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What makes somebody attractive to date?

Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
I don't get it. I don't think I'm less confident that other guys my age. When people say that confidence is subjective, do they simply say things they don't mean? I would say I have good body language, posture, eye contact, etc. but then I am reserved and don't say much, but then society says this does not denote a lack of confidence?

Comments

  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Well, maybe you are just not good-looking. This is of course always a factor. I don't think confidence is very subjective. It usually can be determined rather objectively by an onlooker.

    I would say the important factors can be divided in 2 categories: Looks, and non visual things. There is only so much do you can do about your looks (actually quite a bit, but I guess we don't have to go into details here). The other thing is, how funny you are, how interesting things you have to say. What opinions you hold, and how you behave (are you friendly, do you interrupt people, do you have worthwhile things to say and do you enjoy to listen to others talking and have interesting points to make about other people's stories etc.). It's a complicated dynamic, but think about what you like in other people. Same interests? Books, traveling,...?; intelligence? taste in music?...
    Now some of these points are important to some people and others can go without having shared interests, so you never know.

    Some people will go for the quiet ones, because they sometimes have quite something to say once out of their shell, but in general I would say with confidence, that outgoing people with tales and jokes to tell will have quiet a lot more dates.
    Some people go for the quiet ones, because they sometimes have quite something to say, once they are out of their shell, but in general I would say that outgoing people with tales to tell will have quite a bit more dates than quiet, reserved people.
    If I meet a hottie, but I have nothing to talk about with her, because all she talks about is soap operas on the TV and how drunk she got last friday I will probably not be interested to pursue her. Likewise, if I meet a girl who does ground breaking research, leads a team of people, reads a lot, travels a lot and is generally successful and interesting, but had 1000 kilo and a face indistinguishable from her butt I will probably not pursue either.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Some people will go for the quiet ones, because they sometimes have quite something to say once out of their shell, but in general I would say with confidence, that outgoing people with tales and jokes to tell will have quiet a lot more dates.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I know that it's a complex mix, well humans are complex as all know.

    i dunno, just seems weird since i want to know what all others do/have, since i want a date. some may call that non-confidence, to me I call that confidence since getting to the root of an issue leads to a solution. :yes:
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    You cant have what others have, people are found to be attractive for who they are on a case by case basis. You can share similar values but people will ultimately like you for who you are, not who you try to be.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    hmm.. but then I reckon there was a set standard and everybody else got it and I didn't. but live and learn.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    There isn't a set standard. Different people find different thing attractive.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Spot on!

    I've had girlfriends in the past despite my disability! I have a good personality and a positive attitude which shines through.
  • Danny!Danny! mod Deactivated Posts: 560 Incredible Poster
    Hi Danston

    I think there's quite a lot of answers to this one!

    Confidence comes in many different forms. Different people find different types attractive. Some people will find a highly confident/full-on guy really appealing, others find that really off-putting. And there are plenty of girls who find an inner, rather than an outer confidence, attractive.

    There is something about positive attitude that's quite important though - whether you're loud or quiet, it can be surprising how much how you feel about yourself gets reflected out to others. So if you feel confident-but-quiet that's great. But if you feel like you lack confidence but are hiding it, then that might be an area to work on (and is something you can definitely do).

    There is a practical issue about confidence and getting dates, which is how many people you speak to. Quite a lot of dating is a numbers game. If you're very confident and outgoing and you go and chat to five different people you're attracted to on a night out, you're a lot more likely to end up with a date than if you only meet one person. A lot of those dates won't go anywhere, but some might well.

    So maybe the important area to push is not in acting differently to how you are (as G-Raffe says, that often isn't very successful), but in pushing yourself to start conversations with more people. It's normal for a lot of those not to go anywhere, but when some do, it's fun!

    Enjoy :)
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I know that confidence is key, and I reckon I am fairly confident. But then it seems weird since everybody know says to be yourself, when I was younger it was all about being hypersocial and loud. It's also that I don't see many people dating a wide pool as society says.

    But then yeah, I understand about being positive. I think I have been too much of a negative person for a while and this is hurting me, and I try to surround myself with positive influences/people.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Confidence isn't key at all. I'm the least confident person ever and I still managed to have a relationship.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    hmm.. I guess this confirms to me that not all things in life make sense. lol..
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    danston wrote: »
    hmm.. I guess this confirms to me that not all things in life make sense. lol..

    There are a number of factors. Like Danny said, it's a matter of exposure too. What is all the confidence in the world if all you do is sit at home and watch reruns of little britain with your cats? It's a numbers game and you need to get to know a lot of people to have success with a fraction of those. The more you talk about confidence the more it sounds like you don't really have that much and just try to convince yourself and others you do. If you are not absolutely hideous and not to cowardly to talk to random people then getting a date is a hundred times easier than finding a job.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    StrubbleS wrote: »
    There are a number of factors. Like Danny said, it's a matter of exposure too. What is all the confidence in the world if all you do is sit at home and watch reruns of little britain with your cats? It's a numbers game and you need to get to know a lot of people to have success with a fraction of those. The more you talk about confidence the more it sounds like you don't really have that much and just try to convince yourself and others you do. If you are not absolutely hideous and not to cowardly to talk to random people then getting a date is a hundred times easier than finding a job.

    But then confidence is the key in dating, this is what most people say. Besides, you do not know me, so how can you say how confident I am? Confidence is to some degree subjective anyhow.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Why do you think confidence is the key?
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I don't think confidence is key. I just think you have to have a minimum amount to let your personality and what makes you interesting / attractive shine through.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    danston wrote: »
    But then confidence is the key in dating, this is what most people say. Besides, you do not know me, so how can you say how confident I am? Confidence is to some degree subjective anyhow.

    confidence is the key to have the courage to talk to someone. Other people could come and talk you up, because they like your tattoos or whatever. Confidence is not needed, but makes it so much easier. And usually you are confident, because you are successful (and know it, which makes you feel good about yourself), or you are good-looking and know it (because of positive feedback or because you are not of the kind of sort who just find themselves ugly just because) or for other reasons. Confidence means believing in yourself. This does not come from nowhere. You have something that makes you O.K. with who you are, and THIS is what is attractive to other people.

    Confidence is a blurry term, because confidence has a REASON. You use that word always without context. What is it that gives you your confidence? Why are you confident, and what does this confidence allow you to do? Do you meet a lot of people? Do you start conversations with people you do not know? Can you enthrall people with sapid conversation? Do people like being in your vicinity or envy you for success? You always talk about your confidence without any context. It looks like you either don't even know what it means or hope people believe you are confident by talking about it.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    StrubbleS wrote: »
    confidence is the key to have the courage to talk to someone. Other people could come and talk you up, because they like your tattoos or whatever. Confidence is not needed, but makes it so much easier. And usually you are confident, because you are successful (and know it, which makes you feel good about yourself), or you are good-looking and know it (because of positive feedback or because you are not of the kind of sort who just find themselves ugly just because) or for other reasons. Confidence means believing in yourself. This does not come from nowhere. You have something that makes you O.K. with who you are, and THIS is what is attractive to other people.

    Confidence is a blurry term, because confidence has a REASON. You use that word always without context. What is it that gives you your confidence? Why are you confident, and what does this confidence allow you to do? Do you meet a lot of people? Do you start conversations with people you do not know? Can you enthrall people with sapid conversation? Do people like being in your vicinity or envy you for success? You always talk about your confidence without any context. It looks like you either don't even know what it means or hope people believe you are confident by talking about it.

    I know who I am, what I want and accept myself for the large part. I generally don't care what others think of what I do or who I am, or who likes me and who doesn't. To be honest, I don't talk freely with others, not because I'm scared or shy, but I'm reserved and blend into the background. People may say this is being aloof or IS being shy, but I don't really fear anybody, and IMO somebody could be loud and outgoing but be crumbling inside. This is why I say confidence is complex and subjective.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Why do you think confidence is the key?

    Basic human psychology, which is why it's often said in society.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    danston wrote: »
    I know who I am, what I want and accept myself for the large part. I generally don't care what others think of what I do or who I am, or who likes me and who doesn't. To be honest, I don't talk freely with others, not because I'm scared or shy, but I'm reserved and blend into the background. People may say this is being aloof or IS being shy, but I don't really fear anybody, and IMO somebody could be loud and outgoing but be crumbling inside. This is why I say confidence is complex and subjective.

    Well, which brings us back to my first point. If you don't talk to people and make them aware of your existence then you are leaving your dating success in the hands of coincidence, meaning you are waiting for someone to notice you and talk you up. Which will understandably take longer. If you don't show people your confidence you are hoping that someone comes and inquires about it.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    StrubbleS wrote: »
    Well, which brings us back to my first point. If you don't talk to people and make them aware of your existence then you are leaving your dating success in the hands of coincidence, meaning you are waiting for someone to notice you and talk you up. Which will understandably take longer. If you don't show people your confidence you are hoping that someone comes and inquires about it.

    I guess. I suppose I need to put myself out there more, but then I get confused since if attraction is subjective, then I haven't found my niche yet. I'm a positive person, so I just haven't found the right person yet.:thumb:
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    StrubbleS wrote: »
    Well, maybe you are just not good-looking. This is of course always a factor. I don't think confidence is very subjective. It usually can be determined rather objectively by an onlooker.

    I would say the important factors can be divided in 2 categories: Looks, and non visual things. There is only so much do you can do about your looks (actually quite a bit, but I guess we don't have to go into details here). The other thing is, how funny you are, how interesting things you have to say. What opinions you hold, and how you behave (are you friendly, do you interrupt people, do you have worthwhile things to say and do you enjoy to listen to others talking and have interesting points to make about other people's stories etc.). It's a complicated dynamic, but think about what you like in other people. Same interests? Books, traveling,...?; intelligence? taste in music?...
    Now some of these points are important to some people and others can go without having shared interests, so you never know.

    Some people will go for the quiet ones, because they sometimes have quite something to say once out of their shell, but in general I would say with confidence, that outgoing people with tales and jokes to tell will have quiet a lot more dates.
    Some people go for the quiet ones, because they sometimes have quite something to say, once they are out of their shell, but in general I would say that outgoing people with tales to tell will have quite a bit more dates than quiet, reserved people.
    If I meet a hottie, but I have nothing to talk about with her, because all she talks about is soap operas on the TV and how drunk she got last friday I will probably not be interested to pursue her. Likewise, if I meet a girl who does ground breaking research, leads a team of people, reads a lot, travels a lot and is generally successful and interesting, but had 1000 kilo and a face indistinguishable from her butt I will probably not pursue either.

    But then people say this, but I reckon it's things people say and not mean (it's human I do it too haha..)

    I dunno, I just think what society says about confidence is just projected thinking, not reality. or the "ideal state" of how people should be. It's just I don't get how other guys are more or less confident than I am, but they get dates and I don't. Just feel it's too weird lol.. For example, people say "make conversation", but I find it's largely older people who do this. most younger people don't/won't make random small talk with a Tesco or ASDA cashier clerk, but that doesn't prevent them getting a date haha..

    meh, it's wrong to mope, but it doesn't make much sense.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    StrubbleS wrote: »
    Well, which brings us back to my first point. If you don't talk to people and make them aware of your existence then you are leaving your dating success in the hands of coincidence, meaning you are waiting for someone to notice you and talk you up. Which will understandably take longer. If you don't show people your confidence you are hoping that someone comes and inquires about it.

    er.. on second reading, I don't get what you're saying. If confidence is complex, then somebody who is loud and outgoing is not automatically confident.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    StrubbleS wrote: »
    There are a number of factors. Like Danny said, it's a matter of exposure too. What is all the confidence in the world if all you do is sit at home and watch reruns of little britain with your cats? It's a numbers game and you need to get to know a lot of people to have success with a fraction of those. The more you talk about confidence the more it sounds like you don't really have that much and just try to convince yourself and others you do. If you are not absolutely hideous and not to cowardly to talk to random people then getting a date is a hundred times easier than finding a job.

    sorry I don't do pop culture bullshit. you may be a lad, but meh, I don't care.
  • JamesJames Deactivated Posts: 1,706 Extreme Poster
    Hey danston,

    I think StrubbleS was just trying to help.
    If you need a rant or to vent something, there's a thread for that ;)
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    JPick wrote: »
    Hey danston,

    I think StrubbleS was just trying to help.
    If you need a rant or to vent something, there's a thread for that ;)

    I don't agree, I think he was trying to insult me, but thanks for the link :)
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