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The recruitment agency were awful and despite already telling him the truth last Friday he said he was surprised and was really quite narky with me on the phone. By the time he had called me I was already in floods of tears so when I was on the phone he said I sounded "disheartened" like they had turned me down...when I explained I just hadn't had a brilliant weekend and this was all just getting on top of me - he basically told me that was my fault.
I'm really glad it's all over...I need some sort of stability and my job can offer me that
Remember that feedback you got from the person at the company - that shows the skills you managed to convey to them even when you were having a rough time. That's really really positive feedback on your professional competence so will stand you in good stead for when you decide to go for a change in the future.
Remember that the recruitment company will now have to go out and do more work to find another candidate, so they're unlikely to be pleased with the situation - but then that's their job so don't beat yourself up about it.
The recruitment agent probably had targets etc (they get commission depending on candidates etc) so ignore him. As Scary Monster says, you've dealt with the situation incredibly well. Very proud
The way you were spoken to Purple_roo is absolutely disgusting!! Thats appalling!! Some people have no idea!
I completely understand the guy from the recruitment agency and why he was annoyed and I even said to him last week that I understood his position and was very sorry and at that point he said it didn't matter - I guess I was naive for thinking he would still be ok with it when he realised I generally meant it!
I was really unsure on how to approach it when I got there - as in whether I should have been honest or not - but I'm glad that I was. I will always be left with the "what-if I had taken it" but I honestly think I've had enough big changes in the last 6/7 months to last me a lifetime!
All of this has made me realise just how much I miss him right now too...its playing on my mind a lot...
Other big opportunities and changes will come along in the future, and perhaps you'll be more ready for them then. And who knows, they may even be much better for you! I missed out on interpreting for the Beijing olympics as I had to do exams that I'd missed just after my Dad died, but now I have an awesome job, a gazillion qualifications and some right old champions for how I work. It could have ended up completely different, but it's worked out pretty good as it is.
The feeling of missing him will ebb and wane, though it'll always be present in some form or another. As I've said before, at some point it changes from being an absolutely devastating feeling to a sad one. The Cancer Research advert where the wellington boots disappear makes me practically sob no matter where or when I see it, and there was a dance piece that I saw yesterday that made me tear up (here's the link, but be warned, it is very likely to make you sad: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IvK4N2I9w3E) but it's a lot easier now for me to indulge the feelings and then pick myself up and move on from them. I've even had 'happy' sad remembrances. Have you had dreams about him yet?
This poem works quite well, I find:
When I am dead
Cry for me a little
Think of me sometimes
But not too much.
Think of me now and again
As I was in life
At some moments it's pleasant to recall
But not for long.
Leave me in peace
And I shall leave you in peace
And while you live
Let your thoughts be with the living.
Traditional
I agree - there will always be other opportunities and maybe I'll end up somewhere just as good, if not better...its days like today where I wish I hadnt turned it down though!
I don't think I can watch that video just yet if its that upsetting...I've had happy rememberances...not often but occasionally...I've had lots of dreams...no good ones...have all been ones that reflect my guilt if I'm honest...Going through the flashback stage again at the moment...it always seems to hit most when I'm stressed about other things...still using the technique I learnt in counselling to help with them but its not always effective...
That poem is lovely
I havent done anything else about counselling...you would think an almost-suicide-attempt would be enough to kick me straight back there but I've given up to be honest. Nothing really matters anymore and to be honest I don't think they would care.
What other techniques have you tried? It may take a while to find the one that works best for you.
Have you tried ways of de-stressing, then trying that method?
Maybe this site will help:
www.everydayhealth.com/emotional.../strategies-for-de-stressing.asp..
xx
What's happened sweetheart? As Reena said, they most definitely would, and we definitely do.
I have done that. Only I keep calling it 'cognitive behavioral therapy.' It was a while now, memory like a sieve these days.
And EMDR really helped with my negative memories. Shame they don't just fall through the sieve.
Sorry if I've confused anyone by calling it a different name, but I remember my counselor saying it was linked to it, so maybe that's why. xx
I'm just fed up. To a point where nothing matters. Nothing matters because I'll never be good enough and nothing that's making me feel like this will change so what's the point. Some things aren't worth fighting for anymore and that includes daily things because right now everything is a massive struggle.
What do you mean good enough? Why do we have to feel that way? I never felt good enough in the past. But I know now I don't have to be. Trying to be what society and others deem good enough will drive you crazy. Just be how you want to be.
It all may seem a struggle now and not worth fighting, but one day you might find something worth fighting tooth and nail for, something you may not be able to see right now, but is there.
A lot of my memories were the root cause for many of my problems, and I had never made the connection until I tackled them and found the weight of those negative feelings so much lighter. *hug*
I still have trouble explaining how I felt, it isn't easy working it out.
What have you tried to stop the thoughts so far?
The only thing that's stopped me so far is knowing it's impact on those left behind. But I'm becoming too tired to care.
But I'll be sending the warmest thoughts to you. xx *hug*
What's the score with uni counselling at the moment?
Does your uni counselling service have a crisis service? I had one day where I'd been to meditation class and was in floods of tears all the way through, so I plonked myself in front of the receptionist and asked to see my counsellor. Luckily she was available, though I don't think they would have turned me away if not.
You are allowed to feel this way - you are allowed to struggle and to feel devastated, and it's not a reflection on whether you are good enough or not. Listen to some of the feedback we've given you, how we've mentioned you helping others and commended you for it. It's okay to have bad points where you don't believe it, the important thing is to do something about it. It's okay to want someone else to take over and look after you for a bit, prop you up till you can stand on your own two feet again. Have you got a friend you can go to for a little while, someone who might give you a hug and perhaps cook you tea?
Keep posting, WhiteLillies. We're here for you.
I think because it's the new academic year I'm entitled to 8 more sessions through the uni again but they don't offer a crisis intervention service
In terms of friends - not really - they don't understand and I've given up trying to make them.
Thank you for listening...I know I'm just ranting about crap.
Get yourself back into the sessions at uni and hang on till then. We are always here to listen, and you're not ranting about crap in any form - we recognise it cos we've been there at some point or another in some form.
I wasn't necessarily thinking about talking to your friends or making them understand - more having someone who'll just give you a hug and perhaps look after you/feed you etc without needing to ask any questions...
They won't without me having to explain and having to explain means making them try to understand...I dont blame them...they are mostly younger than me and never been through anything similar so I wouldnt expect them too...its just hard.
Even if you're not into god, chaplains and assisstants are generally good for making cups of tea and listening and being reassuring, and by the nature if the job they've come across it all before.