Home Health & Wellbeing
At The Mix, we want to make our services as helpful as we can. To do this, we’d love to ask you a few questions about you, your visit to The Mix and its impact. It should take only about 5-10 minutes to complete. Take this survey and get a chance at winning a £200 Amazon voucher​.
Come and join our Support Circle, every Tuesday, 8 - 9:30pm! Sign up here
Read the community guidelines before posting ✨

Not worth reading...

2

Comments

  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    She lost her mum 3 years ago so fully understood my point...she was disappointed because she thought I would do well with them and it made me doubt myself but as soon as I went back to my job I knew it was the right choice. She also told me if I felt differently in the future and a job came up, I should reapply because she would highly recommend me and also told me that I would have a very successful career in HR regardless of which company it was with :)
    The recruitment agency were awful and despite already telling him the truth last Friday he said he was surprised and was really quite narky with me on the phone. By the time he had called me I was already in floods of tears so when I was on the phone he said I sounded "disheartened" like they had turned me down...when I explained I just hadn't had a brilliant weekend and this was all just getting on top of me - he basically told me that was my fault.
    I'm really glad it's all over...I need some sort of stability and my job can offer me that :)
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Sounds like you dealt with it brilliantly.

    Remember that feedback you got from the person at the company - that shows the skills you managed to convey to them even when you were having a rough time. That's really really positive feedback on your professional competence so will stand you in good stead for when you decide to go for a change in the future.

    Remember that the recruitment company will now have to go out and do more work to find another candidate, so they're unlikely to be pleased with the situation - but then that's their job so don't beat yourself up about it.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    A couple of days before my Dad actually died, I had to call into my workplace to tell them I couldn't go in as I'd just had the call that he was dying and so I needed to go south. The woman I spoke to at my place of work actually tutted and complained all about how I was leaving them understaffed. I was like, "Really?! Have you just heard what I said at all?! My Dad is d-y-i-n-g..." Left it there and complained about it later, but it just goes to show how some people are so concerned with their financial priorities that they forget all about compassion.

    The recruitment agent probably had targets etc (they get commission depending on candidates etc) so ignore him. As Scary Monster says, you've dealt with the situation incredibly well. Very proud :)
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Thank you both :) I really appreciate it.

    The way you were spoken to Purple_roo is absolutely disgusting!! Thats appalling!! Some people have no idea!

    I completely understand the guy from the recruitment agency and why he was annoyed and I even said to him last week that I understood his position and was very sorry and at that point he said it didn't matter - I guess I was naive for thinking he would still be ok with it when he realised I generally meant it!

    I was really unsure on how to approach it when I got there - as in whether I should have been honest or not - but I'm glad that I was. I will always be left with the "what-if I had taken it" but I honestly think I've had enough big changes in the last 6/7 months to last me a lifetime!

    All of this has made me realise just how much I miss him right now too...its playing on my mind a lot...
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    It's completely appalling. She got a slapped wrist for it when I complained after having returned to work. Oh well - she'll learn one day. I didn't let it affect me - I knew exactly where my priorities lied!

    Other big opportunities and changes will come along in the future, and perhaps you'll be more ready for them then. And who knows, they may even be much better for you! I missed out on interpreting for the Beijing olympics as I had to do exams that I'd missed just after my Dad died, but now I have an awesome job, a gazillion qualifications and some right old champions for how I work. It could have ended up completely different, but it's worked out pretty good as it is.

    The feeling of missing him will ebb and wane, though it'll always be present in some form or another. As I've said before, at some point it changes from being an absolutely devastating feeling to a sad one. The Cancer Research advert where the wellington boots disappear makes me practically sob no matter where or when I see it, and there was a dance piece that I saw yesterday that made me tear up (here's the link, but be warned, it is very likely to make you sad: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IvK4N2I9w3E) but it's a lot easier now for me to indulge the feelings and then pick myself up and move on from them. I've even had 'happy' sad remembrances. Have you had dreams about him yet?

    This poem works quite well, I find:

    When I am dead
    Cry for me a little
    Think of me sometimes
    But not too much.
    Think of me now and again
    As I was in life
    At some moments it's pleasant to recall
    But not for long.
    Leave me in peace
    And I shall leave you in peace
    And while you live
    Let your thoughts be with the living.
    Traditional
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Let's hope she never has to go through anything similar!

    I agree - there will always be other opportunities and maybe I'll end up somewhere just as good, if not better...its days like today where I wish I hadnt turned it down though!

    I don't think I can watch that video just yet if its that upsetting...I've had happy rememberances...not often but occasionally...I've had lots of dreams...no good ones...have all been ones that reflect my guilt if I'm honest...Going through the flashback stage again at the moment...it always seems to hit most when I'm stressed about other things...still using the technique I learnt in counselling to help with them but its not always effective...

    That poem is lovely :)
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    What techniques have they given you to deal with the flashbacks? This is something I'd really consider going back to sort out. I can't remember what you decided to do counselling wise?
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    She taught me how to shrink the image down and use a happier memory or image to replace it...it worked for a while but when I'm stressed out about other things it doesnt.

    I havent done anything else about counselling...you would think an almost-suicide-attempt would be enough to kick me straight back there but I've given up to be honest. Nothing really matters anymore and to be honest I don't think they would care.
  • ReenaReena Fanatical Poster Posts: 1,375 The Mix Regular
    I think they would care, and even if they don't we will.
    What other techniques have you tried? It may take a while to find the one that works best for you.

    Have you tried ways of de-stressing, then trying that method?
    Maybe this site will help:
    www.everydayhealth.com/emotional.../strategies-for-de-stressing.asp..
    xx
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Okay- has anyone done anything to work on the root cause of the flashbacks, rather than just treating the symptoms? Like the EMDR stuff I told you about? Sounds like that might be of help.

    What's happened sweetheart? As Reena said, they most definitely would, and we definitely do.
  • ReenaReena Fanatical Poster Posts: 1,375 The Mix Regular
    Purple_roo wrote: »
    Okay- has anyone done anything to work on the root cause of the flashbacks, rather than just treating the symptoms? Like the EMDR stuff I told you about? Sounds like that might be of help.

    What's happened sweetheart? As Reena said, they most definitely would, and we definitely do.

    I have done that. Only I keep calling it 'cognitive behavioral therapy.' It was a while now, memory like a sieve these days.
    And EMDR really helped with my negative memories. Shame they don't just fall through the sieve.
    Sorry if I've confused anyone by calling it a different name, but I remember my counselor saying it was linked to it, so maybe that's why. xx
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Nope...root cause wasn't mentioned.
    I'm just fed up. To a point where nothing matters. Nothing matters because I'll never be good enough and nothing that's making me feel like this will change so what's the point. Some things aren't worth fighting for anymore and that includes daily things because right now everything is a massive struggle.
  • ReenaReena Fanatical Poster Posts: 1,375 The Mix Regular
    Nope...root cause wasn't mentioned.
    I'm just fed up. To a point where nothing matters. Nothing matters because I'll never be good enough and nothing that's making me feel like this will change so what's the point. Some things aren't worth fighting for anymore and that includes daily things because right now everything is a massive struggle.

    What do you mean good enough? Why do we have to feel that way? I never felt good enough in the past. But I know now I don't have to be. Trying to be what society and others deem good enough will drive you crazy. Just be how you want to be.
    It all may seem a struggle now and not worth fighting, but one day you might find something worth fighting tooth and nail for, something you may not be able to see right now, but is there.

    A lot of my memories were the root cause for many of my problems, and I had never made the connection until I tackled them and found the weight of those negative feelings so much lighter. :heart: *hug* :heart:
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I can't explain what I mean....just that I seem to have reached a stage where suicide is a peaceful thought and the most appealing and I don't know how much longer I can stop myself.
  • ReenaReena Fanatical Poster Posts: 1,375 The Mix Regular
    I know what you mean about it seeming peaceful. I thought that too.
    I still have trouble explaining how I felt, it isn't easy working it out.
    What have you tried to stop the thoughts so far?
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    The irony is that my Dads suicide is making me feel suicidal.
    The only thing that's stopped me so far is knowing it's impact on those left behind. But I'm becoming too tired to care.
  • ReenaReena Fanatical Poster Posts: 1,375 The Mix Regular
    It would be a great loss to the world if you did. And I know there isn't anything I can say to make it better.
    But I'll be sending the warmest thoughts to you. xx :heart: *hug* :heart:
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Oi Missy. Go and hunt out that thread about the job you applied for. Look at the positive feedback you got from that - clearly you are a talented young lady. There is most definitely a point to it all.

    What's the score with uni counselling at the moment?
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    There is light at the end of this tunnel, WhiteLillies. Even though you're at a low point now, read back through your threads on here and see just how far along the roller coaster you've come.

    Does your uni counselling service have a crisis service? I had one day where I'd been to meditation class and was in floods of tears all the way through, so I plonked myself in front of the receptionist and asked to see my counsellor. Luckily she was available, though I don't think they would have turned me away if not.

    You are allowed to feel this way - you are allowed to struggle and to feel devastated, and it's not a reflection on whether you are good enough or not. Listen to some of the feedback we've given you, how we've mentioned you helping others and commended you for it. It's okay to have bad points where you don't believe it, the important thing is to do something about it. It's okay to want someone else to take over and look after you for a bit, prop you up till you can stand on your own two feet again. Have you got a friend you can go to for a little while, someone who might give you a hug and perhaps cook you tea?

    Keep posting, WhiteLillies. We're here for you.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I get what your both saying...I really do...I just can't see past where I am at the moment and that upsets me too because I'm not like this.
    I think because it's the new academic year I'm entitled to 8 more sessions through the uni again but they don't offer a crisis intervention service :(
    In terms of friends - not really - they don't understand and I've given up trying to make them.
    Thank you for listening...I know I'm just ranting about crap.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    That's fine. I had one morning that really really scared me - I physically could not face getting out of bed. As you say, that is completely not like me at all - I might get a bit down and grumpy sometimes, but I've only once been at the point of give up and can't face.

    Get yourself back into the sessions at uni and hang on till then. We are always here to listen, and you're not ranting about crap in any form - we recognise it cos we've been there at some point or another in some form.

    I wasn't necessarily thinking about talking to your friends or making them understand - more having someone who'll just give you a hug and perhaps look after you/feed you etc without needing to ask any questions...
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    This is the 2nd time its happened - the first was what made me go to counselling to begin with...this time I'm a bit more hesitant about going.

    They won't without me having to explain and having to explain means making them try to understand...I dont blame them...they are mostly younger than me and never been through anything similar so I wouldnt expect them too...its just hard.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    It is hard - but it's not impossible. Have you thought about finding a community group or something similar in your area for parental bereavement?
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    No I hadn't thought of that, I will look into it - thank you :) ...I have also just remembered that I am still on the waiting list for Cruse and was told I should hear by Sept/Oct so maybe I'll hear from them soon too :)
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I finally gave in and registered with the uni counselling service again - first appointment is next week...now I just have to tell my Mum...I don't like this person that needs help :(
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    What makes you so much better than everyone else that you shouldn't need help?
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Nothing
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Right then. Sorry for being a cockend, but really, needing help just makes you... well... normal, or average, or just like everyone else, etc.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Not sure what your thoughts on it are, but does your uni have a chaplaincy?

    Even if you're not into god, chaplains and assisstants are generally good for making cups of tea and listening and being reassuring, and by the nature if the job they've come across it all before.
  • ReenaReena Fanatical Poster Posts: 1,375 The Mix Regular
    Good point Scary Monster. They probably deal with a lot of bereavement. *hug*
Sign In or Register to comment.