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Hi whitelillies,
Hugs- I hope you're not doing too badly. I just wanted to pick up on one thing you mentioned here- watching your dad's suicide. I'm no doctor so please don't take this as a diagnosis, but i was present when my dad died and ended up suffering from a sort of PTSD-type disorder called complicated grief. If you watched your dad die, or were privy to the sight, it's conceivable that you could end up suffering from this as well. In which case, there are many treatments available. One I underwent was emdr, which you can google to find out what it is. How are things looking for you and counselling? It really may be of help to you to work through these feelings- though it usually gets worse before it gets better.
Hang in there.
I put off counselling...I know I shouldn't but everytime I go to register with the uni service, I tell myself that I'm stronger now and I don't need it...but then I get another setback and just end up ranting here...I guess I just feel like I should sort myself out but it's hard...
Thank you for the information though...
I want all the pain to go away...it's unbearable. Sometimes it's easier to give up.