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What's the point....
Former Member
Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
...of anything when the one thing you want will never happen? I would do anything to have my dad back...even if that meant it was me that my family didn't have instead...
I just want it to end...I want it to stop hurting and I want the time back...I know I'm never going to have that and I have to learn to live with it but I don't know how and I just think what's the point of carrying on?
I just want it to end...I want it to stop hurting and I want the time back...I know I'm never going to have that and I have to learn to live with it but I don't know how and I just think what's the point of carrying on?
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My mum died when I was 11, and I struggled for years, sometimes even to understand what it meant that she was never coming back. I self-harmed and have suffered with depression. My siblings were all older and had moved out, it was just me and my grieving father in a house that had been filled just months before. My grades suffered, I was alternately painfully isolationist, and meaninglessly rebellious. I learned to project a semblance of stability, of being "normal". But I had physical symptoms of the stress I was under.
Now, I'm 26, I have a BEng in mechanical engineering and an MSc in engineering design. I'm working with the IMechE on my professional development so that I can become a chartered engineer. I work for a medical implant company designing bone replacements for patients with cancer. I have a large and loving family from my brothers and sisters and their children. I live with my partner, we have two dogs, I love my little home family and I'm happy. We've got long term plans to move to the coast when I've got more experience with my career, and maybe when I retire we'll go to New Zealand or Canada. I have little things that make me happy, she irons my shirts because I suck at it, and I'm learning to ride a motorbike.
The world is filled with ways to move forward, keep going.
I'm just tired (mentally, emotionally and physically) of trying to get through each day telling everyone I'm fine and trying to carry on as normal.
I'm sorry that I contributed to his suicide.
I miss his daily phone calls and I miss him just being here in general.
I'm not surprised that you blame yourself, and I say that because I blamed myself for my mum, and she had cancer. People will tell me that it's absurd, and silly, she was sick, and there was nothing I could do. Try to remember that your dad was sick too, and while it's not the same, sometimes you can't do anything. You can't be with someone 24/7, especially when they are your parent. He also would probably have been aware of how socially strange it would be for him to rely on you, and kept things from you for that reason.
You'll be ok.
I blame myself because I could see it coming and I did nothing. I understand he was ill but I didn't try and help. I will never forget the night before or the morning because of how he was...he told me the night before "he couldn't live like this anymore" but I thought he meant he couldn't live with my mum anymore because they had, had a massive argument...he was in genuine despair that morning and I just went to work because I couldn't stand the arguments...I guess that just makes me selfish.
You're young, no-one would blame you for not wanting to hear another argument, for getting tired of the drain on your own internal emotional resources. We all wish we were superhuman when the people near us are hurt. But we're not. We get tired, we need a break, we want to escape.
You thought he meant living with your mum. If you had genuinely thought he meant taking his own life, I expect you would have acted differently.
I know this sounds bloody awful and I hate myself for even thinking it but I resent my mum for arguing with him...I understand people argue but she always has to make a point and continue to make that point long after it's necessary. He would never normally apologise and the fact he was pleading with her to listen to him and he kept saying sorry should have made her realise he was genuinely sorry.
I knew something wasn't right and if I could just have that day back I really would never have gone to work...I would have tried to get him help...I would of done anything.
Out of both parents he was the one that could tell me everything would be ok and mean it. He was one of the most selfless people I know and he put everyone else's needs before his own. It never mattered how many times I screwed up he would forgive me and he always made my mum see sense if she was angry at me for making a mistake. We both had the same sense of humour and could sit here and laugh for hours...he always said laughter was the best cure for anything and if I was ever upset he would make me laugh until my sides hurt.
I want to stop missing him so it stops hurting.
Resenting your mum is a natural thing too, but try to bear in mind that in her head she is thinking something like "If only we hadn't argued so much, he's dead because I couldn't control my temper, he's dead because of me, because I couldn't let the little things go". It doesn't make it better, but blaming her for something that isn't her fault any more than it is yours will cause more pain.
Your father sounds like when he was up, he was a wonderful man, you will miss him any time you wish you could have shared something with him. But it will stop hurting like it does.
Perhaps a little blunt but the sense of this I think is that, as Fiend_85 says, it's natural to hang on to all the 'what ifs' but try not to let them take over as they often don't get you very far. Finding an outlet for all that anger towards your mum wil help, be honest about how you feel but do try and remember that we all do what we feel we can at the time. If we knew what was going to happen in the future we would all be likely to change things in our lives today but no one can predict these things.
When you're ready to look forward both you and your mum will be changed from what's happened and despite all the arguments, no one can take away all the good times that you did have together as a family.
Give yourself space to just feel it all. There's no rules on how you should be dealing with this so try to be kind to yourself and keep posting when you need to
I guess I only really think of the "what-ifs" when I'm feeling really low but after spending 4 hours in the sun today I'm feeling better :-)
I took part in a charity abseil in his memory...I'm really struggling with the fact he wasn't there to watch it or to talk to about it afterwards...
It's been an emotional day all round...it brought back that overwhelming sense of missing him.
I also had a bit of a wake up call about how this is impacting on my mum...I just feel so guilty...
The charity abseil sounds like it was a lot of fun, I'm sure he would have been proud.
Remember what I said a few weeks ago? Probably not - I rarely do. But here goes again. It will never completely stop hurting, and time doesn't heal, but what it will do it increase the gaps between the sad bits, and increase the time you spend with happy memories being able to look back at all the great things about your dad, and the good stuff in your life today.
The afternoon in the sunshine is one really good example of that. Hold onto that, and remember that the high points come round. You may find that helps next time you're feeling sad.
Each day is a new day, with new challenges, and new feelings about them.
In my life, today was my first day back in the office after 6 weeks away. It also means its the first day back in the real world where I can stop hiding from the less good bits in life. I've had chocolate bounty cake, and good gossip with some colleagues - so there have been some very good bits. As well as the moments I was sitting in the traffic on the way to work trying to work out how I'd get throgh today.
Did you ever do anything about counselling?
I'm not surprised that you blame yourself,
and I say that because I blamed myself for my mum, and she had cancer.
I got in contact with the uni counselling service as I'm on a placement year so still entitled to the service but they said I would need to wait until after Easter. Also, when I spoke to my doctor he said that it was all natural reactions to the situation and that I wouldn't really benefit...he said if I was still struggling in a few months then that would be when I would find it useful...
Do you have any one in your life who looks after you, or could look after you a bit rather than you always being the one who's looking out for someone else?
In my case I've got some friends through one of my hobbies who are slightly older than I am, and are good for chilled out chats and having an offload to occasionally. Cousins/uncles/aunts/ slightly removed relatives might be another one.
As for your doctor, he's probably right with respect to jumping on meds, and Easter is closer than it feels with regard to the counselling service. Hold tight, we're all still here.
In terms of family, it all gets quite messy...it is long and complicated but I just don't have any family that I could really go to..especially when the one I could rely on to help me through anything is not here any more.
I wouldn't want meds...my doctor was referring to counselling...I am unsure about it though because I don't know what to expect from it...
I just miss him...