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Am I A Bad Mum?
Former Member
Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
OK here goes - honest answers only please, an no spamming just to be critical...trust me i beat myself up enough daily for my shortcomings without others taking digs.
Where to start?
I have a daughter who is 8 yrs of age - and is my whole world.. Up until she was 5 me and her dad lived apart, so it was me and my little girl (apart from my wonderfully supportive family). However he is living with us now, and so we are in effect a family.
Now the reason i doubt my parenting skills is down to a couple of reasons:
1) Finances: unfortunately over the years paying for a house alone on a part-time wage - and now with my other half only able to contribute some of his wages due to debt - I have also worked up debt. Be it credit cards / loans - i have them and because of this things are tight. To make matters worse, whenever i am on a downer i spend - and so i am my own worst enemy.
I'm still just about paying the bills, but it leaves with not alot for treating my daughter to days out or holidays - although we have been on hol. in the uk this year.
I feel such guilt that I cannot take her out and about and do something special most wknds - this is not being frivolous, but life is short, and how long are your children young enough to appreciate going out with 'mum'??
She also wants a brother or sister, but this is going to take a miracle...i grew up with siblings, so i know how nice it is to have company - whereas she has only me! my other half works alot of un-sociable shifts, so i am the primary carer.
2) Lack of friends: because i left work to do an apprenticeship i lost contact with school friends, and now i only work at a small place, where because i am only part-time, my boss works me overly hard leaving me no time to talk to my 1 other colleague.
I don't go out because i won't leave my daughter, and we dont have the money, so i have no friends at all apart from my daughter, who is my best mate in the whole world.
But because of this - it is just me an my daughter and that gets me down. i so want a friend someone who has a child so we could go out for coffee and the kids could play while we chat....people advise you to get out for the night and do a dance class, but i dont want to dump my daughter for the evening, i cant afford and my daughter is too important to me.
Because of my frustrations due to the above 2 reasons, I am tearful some of the time, which occasionally my daughter sees, and sometimes i get irate when around her. I am so lucky in that I get to drop my daughter off at school and pick her up, but instead of relishing the special time with my daughter, I sit there moping. Please dont misunderstand i play with my daughter, play doh, bandhero, badminton etc. but sometimes i feel too overwhelmed with how i am screwing her life up - and just plonk us in front of the tele.
i need to break out of this rut but have no idea how - please can anyone give me advise as I am now scared i have become a lousy parent. My daughter is the most wonderful little girl in the world, so why am i not content playing and being mum?
Where to start?
I have a daughter who is 8 yrs of age - and is my whole world.. Up until she was 5 me and her dad lived apart, so it was me and my little girl (apart from my wonderfully supportive family). However he is living with us now, and so we are in effect a family.
Now the reason i doubt my parenting skills is down to a couple of reasons:
1) Finances: unfortunately over the years paying for a house alone on a part-time wage - and now with my other half only able to contribute some of his wages due to debt - I have also worked up debt. Be it credit cards / loans - i have them and because of this things are tight. To make matters worse, whenever i am on a downer i spend - and so i am my own worst enemy.
I'm still just about paying the bills, but it leaves with not alot for treating my daughter to days out or holidays - although we have been on hol. in the uk this year.
I feel such guilt that I cannot take her out and about and do something special most wknds - this is not being frivolous, but life is short, and how long are your children young enough to appreciate going out with 'mum'??
She also wants a brother or sister, but this is going to take a miracle...i grew up with siblings, so i know how nice it is to have company - whereas she has only me! my other half works alot of un-sociable shifts, so i am the primary carer.
2) Lack of friends: because i left work to do an apprenticeship i lost contact with school friends, and now i only work at a small place, where because i am only part-time, my boss works me overly hard leaving me no time to talk to my 1 other colleague.
I don't go out because i won't leave my daughter, and we dont have the money, so i have no friends at all apart from my daughter, who is my best mate in the whole world.
But because of this - it is just me an my daughter and that gets me down. i so want a friend someone who has a child so we could go out for coffee and the kids could play while we chat....people advise you to get out for the night and do a dance class, but i dont want to dump my daughter for the evening, i cant afford and my daughter is too important to me.
Because of my frustrations due to the above 2 reasons, I am tearful some of the time, which occasionally my daughter sees, and sometimes i get irate when around her. I am so lucky in that I get to drop my daughter off at school and pick her up, but instead of relishing the special time with my daughter, I sit there moping. Please dont misunderstand i play with my daughter, play doh, bandhero, badminton etc. but sometimes i feel too overwhelmed with how i am screwing her life up - and just plonk us in front of the tele.
i need to break out of this rut but have no idea how - please can anyone give me advise as I am now scared i have become a lousy parent. My daughter is the most wonderful little girl in the world, so why am i not content playing and being mum?
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Comments
Also having another child really don't sound like the best plan with your current problems. She might think having another sibling would be fun, but by the time the child is old enough to be a friend, she would have grown up, perhaps even started college and have her own worries about her life. I think you should have a serious talk with her over that one.
You can also still make friends with your daughter being there. Again, the park, going to a park with your kid, who could play with others fairly easy with her age, you get to have small talk with one of the other groups of parents. Sounds like something in a movie or TV show, but it can still happen. Even if no long term friend comes from it, just socialising will give you that piece of mind.
You're trying to hard to be your child's best friend, relax a bit more, you're still a parent at the end of the day. You have long lives to bond with your children, don't try to pack so much into her's and your life in her younger years. Most children won't appreciate, or even remember the times you shared as a youngster. I never realized how little I remembered from my childhood until I recently watched old childhood videos of me and my family. Save the fun times and the bonding for when your daughter is older and more mature, she'll need the diversity and support during her puberty years with stress of school, life decisions etc etc.
I'm 19 and still love going out with my mum
You shouldn’t feel guilty about not taking your daughter out for an expensive weekend. You clearly love your daughter a lot, I personally think that is a lot more important than days out. Days out won’t be able to protect her and help her through life – your love will.
http://www.netmums.com/boards/Local_Meet_a_Mum.408/ they have meetups and stuff like that. im not a parent so i dont have any personal experience but my friend has two children and she uses the netmum forums a lot, i think shes made friends on there etc.
There's some good stuff on here http://www.moneysavingexpert.com/loans/debt-help-plan
And i don't think you're a bad parent. Your a mum who wishes she could treat her kid more and you're just not in a financial situation to do that at the moment. As the father is living with you, he should really be paying half the family outgoings, rent, council tax, food, utilities at least.
I honestly believe, if you get your debts sorted, things will become a lot better for you.
I agree with what people have said.
Thank you so much for taking the time to respond, and also to provide such a thoughtful answer.
I also appreciate what you have picked up on with regards to me trying too hard to be her best mate - i have often been criticised for doing this. It doesn't do the child any favours in the long run.
With regards to what you mentioned about outings to the park - this is a regular outing for us 'if the weathers upto it' but i havent ever really managed to meet anyone to chat with - i think somehow i tend to seem un-approachable, which is odd as I think i am a nice person.
I think its just gona b down to perseverence but i really appreciate your comments, and you have made me smile :-) so thank you..i needed it!
Thank you for your thoughtful answer.
You picked up on a good point there - my daughter is mad about art, and we do tend to have the arty time, but never outside - so perhaps combining the 2 would create a new option.
Thank you for giving me hope - I guess i've been 2 hung up on thinking that once she reaches her teens she will turn into a typical teen, get a bf and i will cease to exist, although i am still close to my mum even at 30 so i dont know why i think this.
And thank you for the part about loving my daughter a lot - i worry myself sick that people secretly think im a bad parent, and to have your comment acknowledging that perhaps im not even though from a stranger has lifted a weight off my shoulders.
thanks again
To all of you who have commented on my post, I would just like to say a huge thank you.
I have been so down lately for the reasons I mentioned - and seeing your positive responses and helpful suggestions has really helped me to be hopeful and optimistic once more.
Never did i think joining this site, that I would receive such a warm-hearted community - so thank you all so much.
Yes, yes, yes!
I've just discovered the wonder that is netmums. My daughter's only teeny, but all my friends are either childless and at work full time, or miles and miles away. I was feeling isolated and kinda alone, and now I've found a local group full of people who were feeling just the same as me and it really helps. I haven't really used the boards yet, but they seem pretty friendly and positive too.
Because you are not just a mum, you're a person who's a mum, and all people have needs. Don't feel guilty about meeting yours.
My mother would be spinning in her grave, if she were dead :d
Mumsnet is the original site, but there was a rebellion or something, and thus netmums. as a child of a mumsnetter i feel compelled to say mumsnet is better. Much less precious. Anywhoo, either for the OP would give great support.
Tbh it was just a means to an end, for me. Any vehicle that can get you in touch with people who are in the same situation is a good thing! :yes:
It begs the question though, although it doesn't really concern me, do you think thesite should have a board for young mums? I don't know if either of the above sites do, and it's an increasingly important issue for people in this age bracket
I can only imagine how hard it is raising a child and it doesn't help that money is a bit of a struggle, but if you love her then thats all that matters
ther's no connection between mumsnet and netmums and never has been, no rebellion. Mumsnet is miles better IMO.
I would say net mums is better (sorry) - they have a local board with thing to do on it and the whole meet a mum section is great.
I am not sure where you live but around me there is so much free or very cheap stuff to do with children including art classes - and things at city farms and singing in libraries and loads of other stuff.
There are lots of websites of things to do as well like this one http://www.famfun.co.uk/
Have you also thought about doing some volunteering - you could help out at brownies (so your daughter can go along as well) - they always need helpers and the leaders do socialise outside of meetings plus you can work towards qualifications as well - that is just one idea but i'm sure there are loads of others.
I don't think that you need money to make your daughters life better (but you cant' live off of air) - so your first priority should be to sort your debts out.
I don't in any way think you sound like a bad mother at all - just you need to realise that your not just a mother - that your a person as well and its OK for you to have outside interests and even positive for your relationship with your daughter.