Home Sex & Relationships
If you need urgent support, call 999 or go to your nearest A&E. To contact our Crisis Messenger (open 24/7) text THEMIX to 85258.
Read the community guidelines before posting ✨

Am I A Bad Mum?

Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
OK here goes - honest answers only please, an no spamming just to be critical...trust me i beat myself up enough daily for my shortcomings without others taking digs.

Where to start?

I have a daughter who is 8 yrs of age - and is my whole world.. Up until she was 5 me and her dad lived apart, so it was me and my little girl (apart from my wonderfully supportive family). However he is living with us now, and so we are in effect a family.

Now the reason i doubt my parenting skills is down to a couple of reasons:

1) Finances: unfortunately over the years paying for a house alone on a part-time wage - and now with my other half only able to contribute some of his wages due to debt - I have also worked up debt. Be it credit cards / loans - i have them and because of this things are tight. To make matters worse, whenever i am on a downer i spend - and so i am my own worst enemy.
I'm still just about paying the bills, but it leaves with not alot for treating my daughter to days out or holidays - although we have been on hol. in the uk this year.
I feel such guilt that I cannot take her out and about and do something special most wknds - this is not being frivolous, but life is short, and how long are your children young enough to appreciate going out with 'mum'??
She also wants a brother or sister, but this is going to take a miracle...i grew up with siblings, so i know how nice it is to have company - whereas she has only me! my other half works alot of un-sociable shifts, so i am the primary carer.

2) Lack of friends: because i left work to do an apprenticeship i lost contact with school friends, and now i only work at a small place, where because i am only part-time, my boss works me overly hard leaving me no time to talk to my 1 other colleague.
I don't go out because i won't leave my daughter, and we dont have the money, so i have no friends at all apart from my daughter, who is my best mate in the whole world.
But because of this - it is just me an my daughter and that gets me down. i so want a friend someone who has a child so we could go out for coffee and the kids could play while we chat....people advise you to get out for the night and do a dance class, but i dont want to dump my daughter for the evening, i cant afford and my daughter is too important to me.

Because of my frustrations due to the above 2 reasons, I am tearful some of the time, which occasionally my daughter sees, and sometimes i get irate when around her. I am so lucky in that I get to drop my daughter off at school and pick her up, but instead of relishing the special time with my daughter, I sit there moping. Please dont misunderstand i play with my daughter, play doh, bandhero, badminton etc. but sometimes i feel too overwhelmed with how i am screwing her life up - and just plonk us in front of the tele.

i need to break out of this rut but have no idea how - please can anyone give me advise as I am now scared i have become a lousy parent. My daughter is the most wonderful little girl in the world, so why am i not content playing and being mum?

Comments

  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Over the first one, being only 20, I've been in the same situation for a big portion of it so I can see how that plays on a childs mind and behaviour growing up. Don't worry too much about it, but DO stop spending money to make yourself feel better, because it obviously isn't once you realize what you have done. Get help with managing your finances. You don't always HAVE to do things with your daughter with expensive days out. She is 8, get a football and go play. Even if she is a "girly girl" she should enjoy herself. Being with the right people is still part of the fun.

    Also having another child really don't sound like the best plan with your current problems. She might think having another sibling would be fun, but by the time the child is old enough to be a friend, she would have grown up, perhaps even started college and have her own worries about her life. I think you should have a serious talk with her over that one.

    You can also still make friends with your daughter being there. Again, the park, going to a park with your kid, who could play with others fairly easy with her age, you get to have small talk with one of the other groups of parents. Sounds like something in a movie or TV show, but it can still happen. Even if no long term friend comes from it, just socialising will give you that piece of mind.

    You're trying to hard to be your child's best friend, relax a bit more, you're still a parent at the end of the day. You have long lives to bond with your children, don't try to pack so much into her's and your life in her younger years. Most children won't appreciate, or even remember the times you shared as a youngster. I never realized how little I remembered from my childhood until I recently watched old childhood videos of me and my family. Save the fun times and the bonding for when your daughter is older and more mature, she'll need the diversity and support during her puberty years with stress of school, life decisions etc etc.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    +1 Same from me
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Does your daughter have any interests, such as art or nature? Going out on a walk somewhere, can be really enjoyable, not only for her, but also you (she will also be learning about the environment) If you went for the art option, you would be able to keep the final result as a memento and look back at her drawings/paintings in years to come. And if you were to have an expensive day out with her, from time to time, it would make it more special because it wasn’t happening all the time. When I was a child, my parents didn’t take me to a lot of expensive places, but when they did, it was always a fantastic day because it was seen as a “real treat”. If I’d been taken on expensive days out more often, I think I would have taken them for granted and perhaps not enjoyed them as much, because they would have been such a common event in my life.

    dreamykaz wrote: »
    and how long are your children young enough to appreciate going out with 'mum'??

    I'm 19 and still love going out with my mum :)

    You shouldn’t feel guilty about not taking your daughter out for an expensive weekend. You clearly love your daughter a lot, I personally think that is a lot more important than days out. Days out won’t be able to protect her and help her through life – your love will.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    hey there, you say you dont have any friends who are mums, i think theres loads of mums in the same position how about something like this

    http://www.netmums.com/boards/Local_Meet_a_Mum.408/ they have meetups and stuff like that. im not a parent so i dont have any personal experience but my friend has two children and she uses the netmum forums a lot, i think shes made friends on there etc.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    As for debt. Cut your credit cards up now. Phone the cc company and explain the situation and they may well suspend or lower the interest charges and suspend your account until it's clear. Same for the loan companies. Sure it's hard and you may struggle with no back up from the cards but it's worth it in the end. I was seriously in debt a few years ago, did this and as of earlier this year i am completely debt free, and it's a good felling. Not dreading the post every morning to see who's taking me to court, or been screwed £30 charge for not paying on time.

    There's some good stuff on here http://www.moneysavingexpert.com/loans/debt-help-plan

    And i don't think you're a bad parent. Your a mum who wishes she could treat her kid more and you're just not in a financial situation to do that at the moment. As the father is living with you, he should really be paying half the family outgoings, rent, council tax, food, utilities at least.

    I honestly believe, if you get your debts sorted, things will become a lot better for you.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    You don't sound like a bad parent at all. You seem very stressed out and it's making you feel down.
    I agree with what people have said.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Just try to make sure its not your spending and treats she falls in love with, and in fact just yourself :)
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    RE: thanx

    Thank you so much for taking the time to respond, and also to provide such a thoughtful answer.

    I also appreciate what you have picked up on with regards to me trying too hard to be her best mate - i have often been criticised for doing this. It doesn't do the child any favours in the long run.

    With regards to what you mentioned about outings to the park - this is a regular outing for us 'if the weathers upto it' but i havent ever really managed to meet anyone to chat with - i think somehow i tend to seem un-approachable, which is odd as I think i am a nice person.

    I think its just gona b down to perseverence but i really appreciate your comments, and you have made me smile :-) so thank you..i needed it!

    JavaKrypt wrote: »
    Over the first one, being only 20, I've been in the same situation for a big portion of it so I can see how that plays on a childs mind and behaviour growing up. Don't worry too much about it, but DO stop spending money to make yourself feel better, because it obviously isn't once you realize what you have done. Get help with managing your finances. You don't always HAVE to do things with your daughter with expensive days out. She is 8, get a football and go play. Even if she is a "girly girl" she should enjoy herself. Being with the right people is still part of the fun.

    Also having another child really don't sound like the best plan with your current problems. She might think having another sibling would be fun, but by the time the child is old enough to be a friend, she would have grown up, perhaps even started college and have her own worries about her life. I think you should have a serious talk with her over that one.

    You can also still make friends with your daughter being there. Again, the park, going to a park with your kid, who could play with others fairly easy with her age, you get to have small talk with one of the other groups of parents. Sounds like something in a movie or TV show, but it can still happen. Even if no long term friend comes from it, just socialising will give you that piece of mind.

    You're trying to hard to be your child's best friend, relax a bit more, you're still a parent at the end of the day. You have long lives to bond with your children, don't try to pack so much into her's and your life in her younger years. Most children won't appreciate, or even remember the times you shared as a youngster. I never realized how little I remembered from my childhood until I recently watched old childhood videos of me and my family. Save the fun times and the bonding for when your daughter is older and more mature, she'll need the diversity and support during her puberty years with stress of school, life decisions etc etc.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    RE: thanks alot

    Thank you for your thoughtful answer.

    You picked up on a good point there - my daughter is mad about art, and we do tend to have the arty time, but never outside - so perhaps combining the 2 would create a new option.
    ella! wrote: »
    Does your daughter have any interests, such as art or nature? Going out on a walk somewhere, can be really enjoyable, not only for her, but also you (she will also be learning about the environment) If you went for the art option, you would be able to keep the final result as a memento and look back at her drawings/paintings in years to come. And if you were to have an expensive day out with her, from time to time, it would make it more special because it wasn’t happening all the time. When I was a child, my parents didn’t take me to a lot of expensive places, but when they did, it was always a fantastic day because it was seen as a “real treat”. If I’d been taken on expensive days out more often, I think I would have taken them for granted and perhaps not enjoyed them as much, because they would have been such a common event in my life.

    I'm 19 and still love going out with my mum :)

    You shouldn’t feel guilty about not taking your daughter out for an expensive weekend. You clearly love your daughter a lot, I personally think that is a lot more important than days out. Days out won’t be able to protect her and help her through life – your love will.

    Thank you for giving me hope - I guess i've been 2 hung up on thinking that once she reaches her teens she will turn into a typical teen, get a bf and i will cease to exist, although i am still close to my mum even at 30 so i dont know why i think this.

    And thank you for the part about loving my daughter a lot - i worry myself sick that people secretly think im a bad parent, and to have your comment acknowledging that perhaps im not even though from a stranger has lifted a weight off my shoulders.

    thanks again
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    RE: thank you all of you!!

    To all of you who have commented on my post, I would just like to say a huge thank you.

    I have been so down lately for the reasons I mentioned - and seeing your positive responses and helpful suggestions has really helped me to be hopeful and optimistic once more.

    Never did i think joining this site, that I would receive such a warm-hearted community - so thank you all so much.

    :heart:
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    hey there, you say you dont have any friends who are mums, i think theres loads of mums in the same position how about something like this

    http://www.netmums.com/boards/Local_Meet_a_Mum.408/ they have meetups and stuff like that. im not a parent so i dont have any personal experience but my friend has two children and she uses the netmum forums a lot, i think shes made friends on there etc.

    Yes, yes, yes!

    I've just discovered the wonder that is netmums. My daughter's only teeny, but all my friends are either childless and at work full time, or miles and miles away. I was feeling isolated and kinda alone, and now I've found a local group full of people who were feeling just the same as me and it really helps. I haven't really used the boards yet, but they seem pretty friendly and positive too.
    My daughter is the most wonderful little girl in the world, so why am i not content playing and being mum?

    Because you are not just a mum, you're a person who's a mum, and all people have needs. Don't feel guilty about meeting yours.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Kaff wrote: »

    I've just discovered the wonder that is netmums.

    My mother would be spinning in her grave, if she were dead :d

    Mumsnet is the original site, but there was a rebellion or something, and thus netmums. as a child of a mumsnetter i feel compelled to say mumsnet is better. Much less precious. Anywhoo, either for the OP would give great support.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Sorry, Mrs Evenstar! Mumsnet need to sort out their design, then. Piss poor in comparison, and it puts off people who are as visually shallow as moi! :p

    Tbh it was just a means to an end, for me. Any vehicle that can get you in touch with people who are in the same situation is a good thing! :yes:
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    well I can't really speak for netmums, but of the threads I've seen on mumsnet they seem like a pretty funny, smart and down to earth lot.

    It begs the question though, although it doesn't really concern me, do you think thesite should have a board for young mums? I don't know if either of the above sites do, and it's an increasingly important issue for people in this age bracket
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    You sound like an great mum, because you love your daughter so much.
    I can only imagine how hard it is raising a child and it doesn't help that money is a bit of a struggle, but if you love her then thats all that matters :)
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Evenstar wrote: »
    My mother would be spinning in her grave, if she were dead :d

    Mumsnet is the original site, but there was a rebellion or something, and thus netmums. as a child of a mumsnetter i feel compelled to say mumsnet is better. Much less precious. Anywhoo, either for the OP would give great support.

    ther's no connection between mumsnet and netmums and never has been, no rebellion. Mumsnet is miles better IMO.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Oh my got its byny!

    I would say net mums is better (sorry) - they have a local board with thing to do on it and the whole meet a mum section is great.

    I am not sure where you live but around me there is so much free or very cheap stuff to do with children including art classes - and things at city farms and singing in libraries and loads of other stuff.

    There are lots of websites of things to do as well like this one http://www.famfun.co.uk/

    Have you also thought about doing some volunteering - you could help out at brownies (so your daughter can go along as well) - they always need helpers and the leaders do socialise outside of meetings plus you can work towards qualifications as well - that is just one idea but i'm sure there are loads of others.

    I don't think that you need money to make your daughters life better (but you cant' live off of air) - so your first priority should be to sort your debts out.

    I don't in any way think you sound like a bad mother at all - just you need to realise that your not just a mother - that your a person as well and its OK for you to have outside interests and even positive for your relationship with your daughter.
Sign In or Register to comment.