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  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Lacy wrote: »
    Yeah i get that all the time...men eh! :p

    Yeah, we're an emotional bunch :yeees: :D
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Okay, I'm not the one with a problem. I get upset because he absolutely refuses to explain anything, which sounds quite guilty to me.

    He has lots of female friends, but I don't know many friends who talk like that. The second she started getting sexual, he should have told her he was happy to be mates but nothing more. And if he'd told me she was a friend he wanted to meet up with, I'd be fine with that. But he didn't. He didn't mention it at all, he didn't say he was going to meet her, I didn't even know she existed. I tell him about all my friends and if I'm going to meet someone, I tell him.

    I don't let my male friends speak to me the way she spoke to him because, to me, that's being more than a friend. And, finally, the context in which she told him she was wearing the skirt was more than just a passing remark. I'm not stupid.

    Perhaps I have gone over the top, but by refusing to talk about it for three months he's kind of made me feel this way. Perhaps I didn't 100 per cent trust him to begin with and therefore read his texts. But why is it neccessarily ME with the problem? If he had been open with me right from the start, I wouldn't be in this situation.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Why has it taken you 3 months to want to do something about it?
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Why are you with someone you can't trust?

    Why does he has explain anything to you? I think YOU are the one with the problem - he hasn't (IMO) actually done anything wrong. Unless it's considered 'wrong' to have friends of the opposite sex?

    Your boyfriend doesn't need to tell you everything. If I had a boyfriend, I wouldn't expect him to tell me everything.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I think the irrational side of most people in relationships would be feeling like you are now, but you need to take a step back and look at it with some clarity.

    He hasn't actually done anything wrong, and it isn't wrong for him to have secrets from you. Relationships are about trusting the other person to tell you the important things in life, but not neccessarily knowing every tiny small detail of that persons life. He sounds like he may have been slightly naive in his dealing with this girl, but nothing more.

    You have however broken that bond of trust between the 2 of you by reading his texts. If you have a relationship where you've discussed it and neither party has an issue with the other reading texts, then thats fine, but you obviously aren't in this situation and I'm not surprised with the way you've been acting over the whole sorry situation that he's clammed up and wont speak about it.

    You need to look twice at where this relationship is going and if you can actually trust him.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    this place is a joke, she'd already said she knew she was wrong for going through his phone. she knows that, she came on here for advice and all most of you have done is have a go at her for something she already knew she had done wrong
  • **helen****helen** Mod malarkist Posts: 9,235 Listening Ear
    Sofie wrote: »
    Why are you with someone you can't trust?

    Why does he has explain anything to you? I think YOU are the one with the problem - he hasn't (IMO) actually done anything wrong. Unless it's considered 'wrong' to have friends of the opposite sex?

    Your boyfriend doesn't need to tell you everything. If I had a boyfriend, I wouldn't expect him to tell me everything.

    Dear oh dear, this is all getting very judgemental. If you're just going to be rude about it then it's a good idea to stop replying to the thread to be honest.

    Vick, it does sound like there might be more to this situation than was first presented. It sounds like you going through your boyfriends phone has opened up a whole can of worms that has been festering for a while. If you're able to have an open and honest, non-confrontational conversation with your boyfriend then you might have a good chance of working through this.

    This article may well help: Communicating as a couple. Kazbo has also given some sound insights. take care ;)
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    **Helen** wrote: »
    Dear oh dear, this is all getting very judgemental. If you're just going to be rude about it then it's a good idea to stop replying to the thread to be honest.

    Vick, it does sound like there might be more to this situation than was first presented. It sounds like you going through the phone has opened up a whole can of worms that has been festering for a while. If you're able to have an open and honest, non-confrontational conversation with your boyfriend then you might have a good chance of working through this.

    This article may well help: Communicating as a couple. Kazbo has also given some sound insights. take care ;)

    Personally I don't think anything rude has been said. To my mind, we're just stating what we're thinking, which is obviously quite clear to many of us.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Helen - I didn't mean to be rude about this. I was just trying to state my opinion. And at times it can be a bit hard not to come across as judgemental.
  • **helen****helen** Mod malarkist Posts: 9,235 Listening Ear
    Sofie wrote: »
    Helen - I didn't mean to be rude about this. I was just trying to state my opinion. And at times it can be a bit hard not to come across as judgemental.

    Ok, that's understandable. But while I know you're just giving your opinions, no-one deserves to be flamed when they are going through a difficult or confusing situation. Everyone makes mistakes and everyone has different expectations and boundaries when it comes to relationships. I'm not saying post kiss-ass sympathy, I'm just saying a little empathy goes a long way.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I don't know why I'm posting on here again, as a lot of you have been pretty rude and it's not like I'll ever see you in my life. But I would love to know if anyone of you are 100 per cent secure in absolutely every aspect of your life.

    I've already said that if she was just a mere friend, I would have no problem with it. But I'm sorry, that's not how you talk to friends. If a man started saying sexual things to me I would simply say, "I'm sorry, I'm in a relationship, but I like you a friend", or whatever.

    In case anyone actually cares, I spoke to him last night about it all. It didn't "take me three months" to do something about it; it's taken HIM three months to actually answer my questions.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Sofie wrote: »
    Why are you with someone you can't trust?

    Why does he has explain anything to you? I think YOU are the one with the problem - he hasn't (IMO) actually done anything wrong. Unless it's considered 'wrong' to have friends of the opposite sex?

    Your boyfriend doesn't need to tell you everything. If I had a boyfriend, I wouldn't expect him to tell me everything.

    And doesn't all that depend on the person, your history, your situation? If you had a boyfriend, you might find that perhaps you felt differently about that, depending on the situation.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Hi Vick...please don't let a few of the comments here put you off asking for advice again. Generally we are a nice bunch, just sometimes things come across wrongly in words on a message board. ;)

    Oh and you're right. None of us are 100% secure about everything in life, of course not and I'd say most of us have done things like this and regretted it after. I know I have in the past, but I wasn't secure in that relationship, I did lack trust and belief that he was telling me the truth about things and I think people here are just trying to open your eyes to something like that being the possibility in your case as well. No one's saying it is, just trying to make you look deeper for why you did it and make sure there aren't underlying issues.

    But I hope his answers have put your mind to rest and you can move on from this in your rel.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Thanks :o)

    Yes, looking at someone's phone is a sign of a lack of trust, but sometimes it isn't a one-way thing. The reason I felt unsure about things was partly because of my own insecurities, but partly because my b/f is very closed.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    That face was meant to be a smiley one, btw...
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Thanks :o)

    Yes, looking at someone's phone is a sign of a lack of trust, but sometimes it isn't a one-way thing. The reason I felt unsure about things was partly because of my own insecurities, but partly because my b/f is very closed.

    Does your boyfriend know that you feel a bit insecure?
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Yes, he does... This is only my second proper relationship, but he's had four girlfriends before me. He's very good looking and I've seen girls try it on with him, which it just makes me feel rubbish even though he's never cheated on me. He has quite low self-esteem, but his trust in me has never faltered so I suppose that makes him better than me, lol.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    You just need to remember that he's with you and not any of these other girls that may try it on with him. No matter who you go out with there will always be someone else who finds them attractive as well, but take pride in the fact that others want the person you're with.

    Is there a reason he has low self-esteem, something that has happened in his past that he hasn't dealt with properly etc. When people aren't happy in themselves they find it very difficult to open up and discuss things properly because they don't know how to deal with it themself, let alone knowing how to deal with someone elses ideas on a topic as well. But you just have to trust that if there is anything that major he will open up and tell you.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Yeah, I think I know the reasons why he has low self-esteem, but it doesn't matter because I always support him and hopefully he won't feel that way forever.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    g_angel wrote:
    but fundamentally he hasn't committed any crimes of the heart.

    Just wanted to quote this, because it's hilarious :cool:
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