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Ohh dear :no:
You know, if anything were to deter people from you, maybe it's your attitude and not the fact you're a virgin.
if you're so negative, then you will push people away, they won't ant to be your friend. If I were considering dating you and read this, it would put me right off and make me think you're a bitter and desperate person.
I'm sorry, I know you're probably feeling pretty shitty but you need to pull things together. I'm 23, I've never asked anybody if they're a virgin and those who have told me, one who's now 21 incidentily, I've respected. Most people I know respect that too...
At the end of the day, people here are trying to help you, not judge you and you need to make an effort to listen and try to take some of the advice given... If anything, out of respect for those who have taken the time and who have the compassion to try and help you.
If you're not going to do that then I don't see why you bother coming to a website like this which is a community of support and making posts of why society is so shit.
Maybe you should start by learning to accept yourself and accept the fact that there are some people out there who will be childish about the fact that some people are still virgins. That's their problem, not yours. Let them think what they want to because if their life is so unfulfilling and crappy that they want to gossip and spread rumours it is something they lack, not something which you lack.
I know as good as anybody how hard self-acceptance can be. Like many posters on these boards, I've experienced mental illness and low self-esteem and know it can be hard. That's not to say that you have depression, but that if something as trivial as losing your virginity is going to give you a sense of self-worth and if you think that everybody is talking to you then maybe you do have a few hurdles to jump self-esteem wise. However, that's not a diagnosis and I'm no doc... It's just from what I've read.
Anyway, hope something which I've written here gets through to you.
Agreed
:yes: Why does what other people think mean that much to you? There's someone I work with a few days a week who will wind me up about being a virgin (and made some rather odd joke about something else a while back) and I've just sat there and laughed about it; not because it's funny but because I don't care and know that she's only doing it to wind me up.
It takes two to tango. Would I be negative if people I see in real life weren't so bigoted, so hypocitical, so afraid of going against what other people say? Well, perhaps I am a bitter, desparate person. What frustrates me is the people at college are all afraid of one or two ringleader type people who do all the talking and control the whole group. So I say yes, I have a bad attitude, yes I am desparate and bitter and angry! Don't sound too surpised guy and gals.
As I said before, I am taking on board every shred of advice that's been given. I'm sorry if it sounds like I am not. It's just that I am mad, angry and desperate as you said, and I need to talk about this shit to someone. Because there are some people I see every day who are so outspoken and get to express everything that comes into their head because they're in a group of friends who will not laugh at them or take the piss.
To be honest not 100% of what's been said has been helpful. "You're not Richard Branson, are you?" "Im sorry but I don't believe that's true and it's all your fault" etc etc. What the hell man. More than once now I outlined a load of things which I I feel are holding me back from people, it's somewhere else in this thread, and I even posted it again in Jomery's thread. It's not just the virgin thing ffs.
Hate to break it to ya, but that's life. Maybe you should stop being so judgemental and get to know people and at least attempt to see their good side.
:yes:
Personally, I don't care about what other people think about me and whether I'm a virgin or not.
Hornet - you do need to stop being so bitter about this.
Hornet - let me bring in one observation from my point of view.
When replying to other people's comments you've broken down every little thing they've said and quoted them on like loads of little points.
And then posted a reply under each paragraph or section.
Now I'm thinking if that's how you communicate with people in real life, i.e. they talk to you and you break down every little thing they say or reply back that way then you're probably leaving a lot of people dazed and confused.
I'm guessing a lot of people may be afraid to talk to you cos they'll think you're over analysing everything they say too much. Try and study someone you know who is popular and see what it is they do differently.
Quite often people are attracted to other people that make them feel good about themselves .. I get the feeling you may spent a lot of conversations picking at everything someone says to you.
I'd also recommend this book
http://www.amazon.com/Making-Friends-Andrew-Matthews/dp/0843129697
Well, you seem to have negated all reasonable suggestions put to you (usually by indicating that the fault lies squarely with others) that one is only left to assume that perhaps the type of girl you are going after is the problem. Are you setting your sights too high (e.g. vivacious, popular, pretty girls ... who often look for the same sort of attributes in their men)?
There have been instances where I could have gotten to know some seriously fine girls had I had more confidence in myself, (the whole looking at each other thing) so I really doubt that. It's more often them who set the sights on me.
No, no, no. You could not have read this topic properly or are confusing me with Jomery. I've already said more than once that I have not ignored any of the good advice given to me here, even though it looks that way because I have more to say.
Don't get it. How can I be like that in real life? I'd have to remember every little thing they said to break it down if it was a verbal conversation where stuff said isn't permantly fixed on a screen for perusal. Anyway we're sort of going off the track of the topic here...
Actually DiamondGeezer, I'm starting to feel as though you're only putting your two pennies in this topic for the shits and giggles.
To be honest I don't think there is a problem with the way I look, I say it's a sort of chicken and the egg thing where my attitude discourages them, but I'm like that because I know the only way I could ever have anything to do with them is not as a respected equal, only a fool to be used treated mean and kept clean and ignored when not needed. I'm referring to the people at college here. But then: why SHOULD I change my attitude? If I do, they will just take advantage of that. Because of the various shortcomings (go look them up) I listed more than once, they too are the reasons for people to have no respect toward me (if they found out) This is a problem because they are horrible and will never be able to get my respect.
I partly feel as though I am not missing out on anything at all, by not having friends or relationships. I don't see what I'm missing out on.
Popularity should NEVER be used as a measuring gauge of how right and wrong someone is! I do not over analyse stuff like that, in real life or on the web, anyway who cares about the layout of some of my posts, as long as people can read it?
You think people will turn on you or hurt you?
There are nicer ways of putting that you know.
Is that because there is more of the antagonists than there is of me thus making the majority right?
o rly?
Maybe replace "think" with "know".
No one's gonna take to me if they find out all that crap about me. Can't say I blame them.
I have always found Matt's advice to be spot on, even if a little hard to take sometime. Then again the truth hurts :yes:
:thumb:
I came to lay all my cards on the table, tell people what is wrong with myself and the interpersonal problems I am having, but if it's going to make you like this, then maybe it isn't such a good idea. It seems whatever I do say is just going to wind you up even more. I'm actually trying to be honest about the state of the situation I'm in, and realistic, not negative.
Which are we talking about here, the site or people in real life?
If you mean the people in real life, then "positive" is not a word I would use to describe them, dude listen to me, if you could see what they are like when they are in their little herd instinct mode, no one can oppose them, if you fight back they'll make it look like you're the big bad guy and they're the victim, many many times now they have tried to take advantage of me, to take advantage of the fact that there is a group of them and only one of me, all I can do is ignore them and ignore them and so on, and I'm sure it does indeed make me, to some observer, look very unpleasant and ill-disposed, who is that nasty guy ignoring certain people all the time, etc. Some could argue that the strong, positive thing to do is to do what I am doing with them, to defy them, to stand up to them and not let them dominate everything. They have their flaws too, you know. You ain't putting all the blame in the world on me. Haven't you asked yourself how can I be made so repellent and negative to begin with?
I already outlined this "real me" thing before:
There you go. That is the real me.
I am facing the truth, by posting and telling people everything on here.
Yep. No arguments from me on that one.
No actually, not really. I saw a lot of truth that I recognised in your post, believe it or not. My only nitpick with it is that you haven't seen what the other people in my life are like, and their track record, before you sat in judgement of me. matt, the supreme arbiter of right and wrong in the universe. Okay, put all the blame on me instead if you want, since you can't hunt down and lynch the people I have a problem with, there is only me for you to get. I may be a lot of things like you described above, but then I guess it's the price I pay for not being a sheep.
oh, for heaven's sake. :rolleyes:
You're right there, there's worries and woes other than them at college. Such as, is the rest of my life going to be spent being on such poor terms with people and what can I do, if anything, to prevent it? That is totally the thing I would want the most. The thing is though, how to attain that? What is the first step? I'm trying to ignore that voice that says stuff like "I just don't see any frigging way to turn this shit around"
Well, I dunno, what should it be defined by? Looking at them all, they all seem to be adult things, and I worry that I'll be seen by people in real life that I'm totally not adult enough for 20. If I want to be truthful with people and get to know them it will inevitably mean them finding out some, if not most of, that stuff I listed. (oh dear.)
Yep.
My point isn't that I'm trying to get you to care, my point is that that is pretty much why I keep all people at bay.
What's a comfort zone?
yes, but how am I supposed to break out of that prison? what moves am I supposed to make? No, I never thought that, I know that more people will come along to replace them.
yes, couldn't agree more, but have no idea how. most of the time, I am truly SHITE with people. there are some good interactions here and there but... If I don't do something about the "crap with people" thing then the future looks bleak.
Yes absolutley. The thing is, this sort of thing isn't likely to happen at college but somewhere else...(this course ends in July). The people in my group at college are mainly those sheep, and one or two are very outspoken and have a lot of dominance over the group, I resent them for this, because I believe the only way to have anything to do with them is not as an equal, or someone respected at all by them. Nirvana will have to found somewhere else, I but have no idea where. loose? eh?
You know, we've all been dicked around and hurt on here (I've been screwed out of over a grand by a 'friend' who embezzled money I gave him to give to a charity... That's my savings down the pan. Also had 'friends' leave me when they find out they can't get in to my pants or ditch me for a girl), but shit happens... It's just part of life.
As for social skills, they take time.
I came to sixth form college so timid my friend used to speak for me, I went to university as the type of person who could not make eye contact and who went red when talking to people... Now I help to organise events in my university, I'm outspoken, I write, I have been known to perform and I talk to any poor bastard when I'm out on the lash.
Like everybody, I have a long way to go before I become the person I aspire to be, but going from a waster and a cutter to who I am now I did because I got fed up of having no social skills and I took the plunge. I think that if you do something that scares you a little once a month then you're living life to the full.
You either want to do it, or you don't. But there is no point in discussing issues if you don't plan on making changes.
So what changes do you wanna make?
That's a shame you feel that way, cos I was very genuine in my reply and suggestion .. I've actually read the book I suggested you take a look at. It's got some handy tips.
So start learning.
Plan on moving out if that bothers you.
??
Nor do I. Does that make me a bad person? Oh noes. :no:
This might develop once you stop putting up your walls that prevent it.
Lots of people don't smoke. I don't smoke. Public places in the UK will be a smoke-free environment soon.
Go out then.
Once you stop putting up defences, and get to know some people, you might find one who you can kiss.
Why would you want to travel abroad on your own? Well, I guess you could for some reason. So do it then.
Plan a holiday.
Well that depends, do you see telling people all that as the first words that come out of your mouth? If so, they'd probably react by considering you to be a little odd and socially backwards. But if you had done that, that would be a fair assessment. What you need to do is actually maybe, not tell everyone all of that stuff at all, or at least, not in one go. It's not really a big deal. It's not the sum total of "you". Talk about trivia and stuff instead.
I don't do most of these things (drive, smoke, drink alcohol that often, never been drunk and never kissed anyone) but no-one seems bothered It's only a big deal if you make it out to be one.
I can't drive, but have used drugs, have been drunk, have been with guys and girls but I agree with you Sofie, it really doesn't matter.
What matters is that you're happy and if you aren't, you should be working on making yourself happy.
Stop moaning and drowning yourself in self pity on here and get out there, take the advice given and do something about this big hole you've dug for yourself.
People have offered great advice and you've just found a reason for why you can't do this why you can't do that.
Give it another go, what have you honestly got to lose?
When you meet people don't give them your sob story, there are 1001 things to talk about. Find out about the people you meet, always a good conversation starter. Just don't give up, there is nothing worse.