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*is in a similar situation* but unlike you, I have self harmed (but have only really cut myself once) and do seem be upset all the time now.:(
hope youre feeling better
Oh I feel meh as well. Really meh. So meh, I did it this morning and feel like doing it again at work now. :crying:
All I want is some treatment or something to fix it :thumb: that'd be great. The past couple of years have been quite tough for me, with everything gradually getting worse and worse. Next year I'm going to buy another motorbike though, and I know they make me happy (might be materialistic but it's lovely).
I'm clever as well at uni, despite missing so many lectures, in seminars I get what they're talking about and sometimes end up explaining it to the rest of the class (well to the seminar leader who then explains it
In fact at the end of A levels I stopped attending school and only went to the exams. Was so glad when it was over. A couple of years ago my cousin hung himself, which was quite difficult to bear as he was only a year older than me. He'd been suffering from schizophrenia, which is very apparent on my mums side of the family. My mum was ill, where she had to go to a mental unit for several weeks. I'm not sure whether it was depression or... whatever because she was often ashamed of it. I used to try to be light-hearted about it but found it upset her so I shut up about it after that. Anyway... my brother got ill then, and was on ADs for quite some time, things got bad for him though and he tried to take his own life.
That was one of the scariest moments of my life. How do you react when you hear that about your brother? Nevertheless... life carried on slowly. My brother got married and seemed happy, and grown up and it was great. My dad got diagnosed with cancer, and I was scared but didn't want to look weak in front of everyone, so just used to say he'd be fine. He might have been as well, but he had a melanoma that spread to his glands / blood or something and was then unstoppable. In the end a sarcoma in his chest cavity meant he collapsed and ended up in hospital, they kept him sedated which was good, as he had a tumour in his brain that was degrading his mental function and a tumour round his windpipe preventing him from breathing.
I was glad in a way when he passed, because there was no way he could have been comfortable otherwise. I remember feeling embarrassed, saying 'I love you' to him, tears running down my face after he had passed, because my family were in the same room. They couldn't just leave it either... my sister had to say 'what did you say?'.. I didn't reply so she asked again and my mum told her.
Oh yea, my aunt died of cancer a few months before this. Anyway, moving on... 6 months later my cat died. This really hit me hard, because although she was a family cat, she was closest to me, she used to sleep on my bed every night and she would put her paws on the bed, then I'd put my hand on her paws and then she'd rest her chin on my hand and sleep. About as affectionate as a cat gets. I've always felt bad about her, that I didn't look after her enough. I remember once she scratched me and I joked on here that I wasn't going to feed her, and someone called me an animal abuser... she was always well fed and well looked after, always saw the vets regularly. I don't know what else I could have done but... I dunno.
After that my half brothers mum passed away, of cancer again. So once again, get out the black tie and suit and to another funeral. I always get chills in my bones at funerals
Anyway, so now life plodded on, I was clinging to the last person I could always rely on - my girlfriend - as everyone else was dropping like flies and even now I don't like to burden my mum with stress. The next 6 months were some of the most difficult of my life. She met another guy. They were seeing each other. She wouldn't be honest with me, said it was me she really loved. Fuck, I even said to her 'Look, if you want to be with him.. that's ok. I'll be upset but it's ok, just be honest with me please?'.
She said right up until the end she wanted to be with me. But after a while so much lying builds up a pile of hidden crap. And it took a small nudge to get the guy she was cheating on with to tell me absolutely everything. Heh, I screwed with his head a little in the moments after, saying she hated him for ruining things between me and her and never wanted to see him again. My own little piece of revenge I guess. When she had said she needed space, I would give her a little and he would just go and try and kiss her.
Regardless, we split and then continued seeing each other. He doesn't know this, he thought afterwards that they were 'in love'. She used to say how awful he was to me, and she wished he would back off. She continued seeing him though, for two weeks at least. Then she met another guy off the internet. She fell for him really badly, she stopped seeing me and was smitten. Of course, he only wanted one thing and she knew that - I think it was part of the appeal.
But he stood her up and we became 'friends'. Not friends with benefits, just friends, but it was a bit peculiar because of everything that had happened. But I didn't feel bad you know? I never worried about infidelity or her cheating, it was simple 'lets not discuss all the crap and just hang out, sit down together, watch a film, have a chinese, and enjoy having some company'. We were both pretty lonely in our lives and though we've got other friends... we had none we felt as at ease with.
So this continued, this nostrings friendship, I came to university and she came up to see me, we would watch star wars (and omg I lost episode V
I'm ashamed to tell my friends that we are provisionally back together, because they all know what happened and they all think I'm too good for her. Which may well be true, but having all your friends telling you what you're doing is wrong rather than talking to you about stuff is demoralising. Nobody really talks to me about stuff.
Made smaller because I wrote way too much. Sorry
You have to sometimes do selfish things to make you happy. I read everything you wrote as well, if you want someone different to talk too let me know.
Personally I cant be arsed to do anything at all at the moment. Everythings a pile of fucking crap and I dont want to deal with any of it any more.
I'm the same.
Anyone know I explain to the doctor (haven't made an appointment to see anyone yet) that I have the urge to self harm for no reason and that I have no idea why on earth I've been feeling depressed for the last 6 week - 2 months for no reason at all? (apart from a few weeks where I just constantly argued with a friend of mine which caused me to become depressed and cut myself)
Appologies now for any random stoopidness i may post
In between losing my job, people I know dying, been next to broke and generally stressed, I've been having panic attacks, been depressed, and also scaring the crap out of my family with the fits I have been having.
I'm on my way to a job interview now, and I'm quite scared to hell about it, I'm on a fair bit of medication as well.
I hope that 2007 brings a new slate of life for me, during which I get to see the neurologist I'm booked into see, the psycologist.
Just been generally a bad time and needed somewhere to talk to someone/some people about it apart from my immediate family, and I rediscovered why I really dislike hospitals.
Well I hope I get this job, cause I seem to break every other day, and don't want to anymore. I've not posted in here because of any problem with self harming with sharp objects, I've just been making myself ill by sitting outside in the cold wind and rain and trying to imagine happier times.
Tis all
"You've really got to focus Rich, we're all really really worried about you."
Ah. So it's not just me being overly worried, I am actually throwing my life away
I'm like this and my placement have figured this out. They also claim that I'm quiet and distant.
I keep trying to cut myself for no reason at all - is this normal?
"No energy = no motivation = Franki might fail after all" - i like it a lot
well done Loopi...hope it continues tomorrow
really since work ive been looking so forward to cut myself ...and im feeling guilty about that now too...just fucking great
As for me .... had a shit day. I too hate my boss who sees that I'm struggling, doesn't help and then gives me a shit load more work to do. Tears again.
thanks tho....it means so much to see someone who knows how it feels
My ex is sending me abusive texts, trying to bring me down.
Someone else I was with, and still like loads, is with someone new, even tho he told me he wants to be single. So I'm really not worth anything to him.
Self-esteem is lower than ever. Really want it all to stop.
Kinda wanna go straight onto anti-depressants, 'cos I don't wanna wait for St Johns Wort to kick in. Don't wanna feel like this over xmas.
Sorry I'm really screwy.
You know where I'am ok? You need to rant, bitch or whatever, feel free to fill my PM box. I'm okay at the moment. I'm not a big festive season fan anyway, so give it a week and I might be not be coping so well.
I can't cope living like this and regretting everything all the time. It's too much for me. Arg, just needed to vent. G'night. Will probably regret posting this in the morning...
FUCK.
Anyways here we go.
I have had a problem with shyness and being around people for as long as I can remember, and it's something that seems to get worse as I get older. I have always had a hard time dealing with groups of people and being in public or crowded places. I can get really self conscious and feel people are judging me (stupid i know). I just can't cope with attention and have on many occasions actually walked away and gone home because of it. Obviously this doesn't go down well with friends when i've met up with them but I just get to the point where I have to walk out and just relax. One thing that adds to the problem is I can't compare myself to the people around me, I kind of still think people percieve me as though im 12, that im still the same height, look the same etc (if that makes sense?). I know i've got taller and everything but I feel smaller compared to everyone else (even though in 5'10). I feel as though im weaker and below them even if thats not the case.
Also another thing that I feel really bad about is that I get worse when the friend and people im with are having a good time, chatting etc and im not really involved. It bothers me that im meant to be having a good time with them and im not. It's as if their enjoyment makes me sad which I feel a cunt about, why shouldn't they be having a good time?
Added to that I have an issue with smiling as I had a good few years of dental work on my teeth including a number of braces which I really didn't like (not that anyone does do they lol?) and I have always fought against actually smiling because I think I look an idiot when I do. The dental work was a success and I have a good set of gnashers now but I still try my hardest to not smile or laugh too much, If I do i look at the floor etc just because I don't want to draw attention to myself. This all meant I have spent most of my life avoiding going out with friends and socialising. I am just too analytical about interaction with people and 99% of the time self critise and focus on the negatives.
It all got a bit much and a couple of years ago I got to the point where I couldn't stand being so anxious of social situations and the shyness because I just felt I was being left behind as the people I knew where moving on and I felt I was never going to change. I self harmed and ended up in hospital after an overdose on paracetamol. It was all a bit of shock to the family but at the time I really wasn't bothered. I also cut my arms up. I don't do any of this now, I take out any anger or frustration I have on a punch bag and doing weights but I do worry about just how comfortable the cutting was.
The thing that really bothers me though is the isolation I have put myself in to avoid social situations and seeing people, friends and people I know from school have all moved on getting A levels at college and going onto Uni or into work while I stopped after 2 months at college. I just didn't feel like I fitted in and wasn't prepared or really able to start making new friends because I found it such a tough task and couldn't cope with the constant anxiety and stress.
I did ok and got on well with everyone at school because of the way its 9-4 and everyone is in uniform. Outside of that I found it difficult. I do feel like my own worst enemy at times because I have made things more difficult for myself and the family by not getting a job and going out but I just can't cope with the anxiety issues anymore. I know there are probably people with it worse than me but I feel like im constantly being held back because of it. Academically I have always been very good but I couldn't go through 2 years of college hiding in the library during lessons, it wasn't open enough to start with. I miss playing sunday footie as well, football was one of the main reasons I was got on well with everyone during school, without it I would of been worse of. Small blessing I guess.
I just wanted to type this up and hopefully find a few people who can relate to it. Im not looking for any sympathy or anything like that. Just wondering as anyone had similar issues and got over it? I have got counselling sessions coming up and im hoping that can finally help because i've have been to similar things before (after the hospital visit) but it didn't really benefit me much. Sorry if it doesn't make much sense im not very good at explaining how I feel.
Is there anyway you can block his number?
kate.
you don't need to destroy yourself. you are beautiful, special and wonderful.
i love you, kate, and i'm not giving up on you.
(The LAST time im gonna mention this, I swear)
The case with me and a girl, told her I liked her and she declined. It was simpy unrequited but it still bothers me because I regreted some of my actions whilst I was infatuated and came across the wrong way, Its the guilt of it that makes me feel like crap. I feel really horrible when I think about it.
however I try not to let it affect me, question is how do I get rid of the guilt?
sorry if I asked this before but I really need to vent and was reading about urequited love and it sounds really bad. they say that sometimes it never goes away and sometimes it ends in suicide.
Without knowing exactly what you did, it impossible to say. Best thing to do is just work through it your own time, there realy is no way to get over it otherwise. Guilt is a bitch on your emotions.