Damn womens mind games

Former Member · February 2006

Hey, don't be in a mood with me- wasn't meant nastily! Was being flippant, bit of humour or whatever. Ok, I'll give you an example where my point is- when it seems like a woman is a controller, the intricacies (sp?) of a relationship mean that it's not strictly true to say that she is in control. Example:

Man and woman are in a LTR. From an outsiders perspective it appears that the woman makes all the decisions and is bossy.

Break down:

The man has consciously/ subconsiously decided that he will take a back seat in decision making.

Possible Factors:

(1) He enjoys the 'cared for' feeling that giving the rights to these decisions brings.

(2) Submission due to apathy

(3) He is excited by the possibilities beyond his own imagination or thinking-scope/style.

(4) There are more, but you don't need an essay and I cannae be arsed to write one.

Explanations:

(1) Remember how carefree you felt when you were little? It's a bit like this.

(2) The relationship is not that important to him.

(3) There are mental stimulouses (sp?) to be gained by submission, including but not limited to: sexual kicks, doing things you might otherwise choose not to and thereby experiencing new things, absolving guilt for a desire...

(4) I'm supposed to be working but thesite's friggin addictive!

Results:

(1) A few including but not limited to: the strength of emotional contentment that comes from knowing that another person responsible for you makes decisions for your best wellfare; being able to 'relax' from your role in another relationship, if you have a high pressure hard decision making job for example; a demonstration of trust- it's 'proof' they care if they make good decisions on your behalf.

(2) He has allocated more importance to decision making in other areas of his life.

(3) Um, for the sexual example- he has thought about/never thought about anal play, if he has he might have suppressed the desire to explore this. The reasons behind suppressing this could be, fear of rejection, negative associations, social acceptance etc. By allowing the woman to take the lead he may more fully enjoy the stimulation as he can absolve himself of 'guilt', there was no possibly scary rejection of a suggestion, the pleasure of 'receiving'.

(4) This bullet point is a pointless one really. *please note, this is humour and not a malicious dig*

Conclusion

The man is in control to some degree in all these points (except 4 which is a joke

). He decides consciously or even

Former Member · February 2006

as the case is in most decisions in all life and realtionships, sub-consiously, that he wants the results as outlined above. So, when a woman takes control, the man as much in control by determining through actions who is in control, to what extent, and in what situations.

Does that make sense? It made sense while I wrote it. Dude, don't take it personally if I have a dig at you. I am not a malicious person, me having a dig is more likely to mean that I like you enough to share the joke/ take the piss, than to mean that I don't like you or what you to feel bad.

Katralla x

Former Member · February 2006

Firstly Id like to point out that the dynamics of a sexual relationship arnt necessarly very different from other relationships, friends, boss or family.
Althrough theres a whole "other part" of a sexual relationship that isnt there in other kinds, its still remarkably similer who will dominate whome and for what reasons.

Normally in order to be dominated myself and I guess most people, Id have to beleive firstly the person had benifits to me in mind (or us) and secondly they knew what they were talking about, so like wise If I thought I had a better idea or was wiser about a particular situation I wouldnt accept anyone elses direction (well maybe sometimes you know)
I quite like it when I trust someones judgment and they say do this do that it means I dont have to bother thinking about it, weather this be in the boxing gym doing training, shopping when my mums "decided" we need to go "no that dosnt suit you, try this on,,,just try it on it'll look nice trust me" (and she's usually right dam it)

To be in a relationship of any kind and be permanently be dominated probably crosses the line into an abusive relationship.

Former Member · February 2006

This may be controversial, and don't throw eggs at me but... even in an abusive relationship, when it's between ADULTS, there is an implicit acceptance of the abuse by continuing to remain in the relationship. *ducks from eggs* This can be for various reasons though- low self esteem, the alternative situation appering to be worse. Not knowing how to get out of/ or not being able to get out of the relationship is definatley at least one exemption to my 'implicit permission' theory .

ETA: the trust part in giving someone your submission is that they won't abuse their position. Being able to truely trust someone with your life is powerful.

Former Member · February 2006

katralla wrote:

Does that make sense? It made sense while I wrote it. Dude, don't take it personally if I have a dig at you. I am not a malicious person, me having a dig is more likely to mean that I like you enough to share the joke/ take the piss, than to mean that I don't like you or what you to feel bad.

I understand what you're saying now. I can't stay right now, got things to do. Maybe carry on this discussion later.

Former Member · February 2006

A relationship with a signifigantly dominant and submissive partner isn't something I'd ever be interested in, it can certainly apply to all relationships too, as the previous poster said.

I had an extremely dominant best friend up until a couple of years ago, and she dominated my life, crippled my feelings and basically smothered me for almost a decade. I definitely allowed her to become almost tyrannical in her domination, and "enabled" her, to a point anyway. The dominant/submissive categorisation is definitely only healthy up to a point, I think, and I agree that there's a very fine line between a healthy relationship with this dynamic and an abusive relationship.

Anyway, this is waaay off on a tangent. Renzo, I'd say you're best off out of it, for the moment anyway.

Former Member · February 2006

rainbow brite wrote:

I see what you mean, but if to be submissive is a dominant act, and also to be dominant is a dominant act, then surely a D/S relationship is equal. You cant really have that sort of lifestyle without explicit consent from both parties. The submissive is not controlling the dominant, but obviously she/he offers the submission in the first place - its not just taken, or else thats abuse, and thats not what D/S relationships are about at all.

Agreed but you can also see where the dominant person is being 'submissive' though too. Knowing and keeping to agreed or implied limits for example. Yes you are right the sub is not controlling the dom but there are in control of to what extent they are sub. A person might like to make the decision over where they go out but also like to take a more sub role in ze boudoir department. I'm a switch by the way, with a preferance to being a feisty sub.

too much detail? lol

Former Member · February 2006

katralla wrote:

I'm a switch by the way, with a preferance to being a feisty sub. too much detail? lol

nah not too much, but was easy to figure it out reading your comments

Former Member · February 2006

ah, rope tricks * I sigh*. RB- where did you find him? lol

Former Member · February 2006

katralla wrote:

ah, rope tricks * I sigh*. RB- where did you find him? lol

hehe complete lucky find

Former Member · February 2006

katralla wrote:

A person might like to make the decision over where they go out but also like to take a more sub role in ze boudoir department. l

For sure, someone maybe just sexually submissive but not in any other aspect of their lives.
I guess it doesnt matter as long as youve got someone who complements and understands those parts of the others personality.

Former Member · February 2006

stargalaxy wrote:

Shut up, you idiot. Men just like to think they're in control. Women are far more... covert about it all, much more subtle. And this isn't just to be seen in relationships, look at the family. When you lived with your parents, who was REALLY in charge of running the house?

You're trying to apply your situation (can't help being ruled by women) onto everyone else as a universal rule for purposes of self-justification. A bit like gay people who claim everyone's gay deep down.

That makes you the idiot, btw.

rainbow brite wrote:

For sure, someone maybe just sexually submissive but not in any other aspect of their lives.

Would you say it's true that dom/sub preferences in the bedroom are often the opposite of how dominant/submissive someone is day-to-day?

I get the impression from people i know that the dominant but also fucked up ones are the most likely to enjoy being dominated in the bedroom. I ain't particularly into the whole domination/submission thing, although i prefer to be dominated, so that theory would appear to fit.

Former Member · February 2006

"Would you say it's true that dom/sub preferences in the bedroom are often the opposite of how dominant/submissive someone is day-to-day?"

i think thats kinda true, my relationship isn't really dom/sub, but in most situations my boyfriend takes the lead, just cos he's more asserive than i am. sexually we both like taking the lead but when i get into the mood i really enjoy having my way with him

with the whole mind games and valentines thing, i know lots of women dont like to be overt and explicit about what they want, in a whole variety of situations, foolish really because it is common knowledge that guys just dont pick up on hints. i think often we want to be made to feel special, but dont want to ask, because we want to believe that the GUY has decided to treat us becasue he thinks we're SO GREAT

Former Member · February 2006

stargalaxy you dont have a baldy mate :no:

Former Member · February 2006

Spliffie wrote:

Would you say it's true that dom/sub preferences in the bedroom are often the opposite of how dominant/submissive someone is day-to-day?

I get the impression from people i know that the dominant but also fucked up ones are the most likely to enjoy being dominated in the bedroom. I ain't particularly into the whole domination/submission thing, although i prefer to be dominated, so that theory would appear to fit.

not really in my case. Im not submissive in my day to day life, but im not dominant either. Im self aware and assertive, but I certainly dont try and dominate people. Id be a crap manager for example, I dont seem to command authority, and im not sure id want to.
In my relationship, for the vast majority of things, its pretty damn as near to equal as ive ever known, but sexually i prefer to be dominated and for certain other things, i prefer someone else to take charge.
I dont think theres any rhyme or reason for it. I dont have an abusive past particularly, I had a good childhood for the main and its not to make up for something else lacking in my life.

Damn womens mind games

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