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anyone afraid of being alone?

Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
was jus wondering if anyone's totally comfortable being alone most of the time? i'm going bak to uni and i know i'll be completelty alone after a lot of shitty things that have happened to me (read previous posts for more details if u guys want to!...) and i'm dreading it.
but i think i should jus accept the fact that things'll go down for a bit n jus concetrate on having fun on my own.....
i know i should jus go out there n make new freinds n stuff, but i've always found it so difficult! i'm an international student and a lot of people don't get why i don't drink a lot, sleep around n stuff....and in a culture where people tend to think u're wierd if u dont like getting sloshed (i've experiencedthat one)...and where u're sense of humour kinda differs from theirs it's difficult to find friends to hang with....

Comments

  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    tinydancer wrote:
    was jus wondering if anyone's totally comfortable being alone most of the time? i'm going bak to uni and i know i'll be completelty alone after a lot of shitty things that have happened to me (read previous posts for more details if u guys want to!...) and i'm dreading it.
    but i think i should jus accept the fact that things'll go down for a bit n jus concetrate on having fun on my own.....
    i know i should jus go out there n make new freinds n stuff, but i've always found it so difficult! i'm an international student and a lot of people don't get why i don't drink a lot, sleep around n stuff....and in a culture where people tend to think u're wierd if u dont like getting sloshed (i've experiencedthat one)...and where u're sense of humour kinda differs from theirs it's difficult to find friends to hang with....

    I spend most of my time alone, although thats mainly due to staying at home while my parents are at work. I go to Uni but I live at home and so dont have many friends and like you I am different from what is widely considered the norm for persons of my position ie exactly like you I dont drink, sleep around and I also have a slightly odd sense of humour.

    Rereading your original post Im not sure exactly what your looking for but if it makes you feel any better there are others like you out there (or failing that at lest one other).
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    tinydancer wrote:
    i know i should jus go out there n make new freinds n stuff, but i've always found it so difficult! i'm an international student and a lot of people don't get why i don't drink a lot, sleep around n stuff....and in a culture where people tend to think u're wierd if u dont like getting sloshed (i've experiencedthat one)...and where u're sense of humour kinda differs from theirs it's difficult to find friends to hang with....
    i bet there are loads of other international students at your uni. why don't you join a society, they're very welcoming to new people and they arrange activities such as going for visits to different cities, going to the cinema/theatre, or just meeting up for a chat. look out for societies from your country of origin, or an erasmus or international society.

    the main thing is for you to make the effort and you'll get something out of it. also don't presume what people are going to be like or what they will enjoy. they might surprise you.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    i faced being alone after spending my entire adult life in a relationship or lilving in shared houses and i have one tip.........

    forums :heart:

    i actually made real life friends from the internet, and a lot of "net friends" msn is my saviour and without it i think i'd have lost the plot.

    You cant simply go out and make new friends its not that easy, you will fall into a friendship if appropriate, so keep your head up when your around people look approachable.

    But other than that, spam away :thumb:
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I must admit the only people I have really talked to over the last few months have been people I met on an online game. Otherwise I just wouldn't talk to anyone.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Firefly-86 wrote:
    I must admit the only people I have really talked to over the last few months have been people I met on an online game. Otherwise I just wouldn't talk to anyone.

    and thats just from a game, imagine if you actually ventured into forums and chat rooms.

    The stigma of meeting people on the net is null and void now. Maybe its just me but i dont feel at risk to predatory rapists or axe murderers (maybe thats cos i live in cornwall too) but i think you can tell if someone is nice and genuine if you chat to them for long enough about each other's lifestyles and interests. If you share them - cool. And with profiles like myspace and faceparty now you are leaving your idenitity completely open.

    My social life is gleaming just because i joined a clubbing forum, but being a single mum i am stuck in on my own most of the time, but my status on msn is always busy LOL just cos i have too many people on there wanting to talk to me,

    Stops me being lonely tho :D
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Being alone is very scary. If it progresses too far it will seem like existence is null and this isn't reality. That's the conclusion I'm finding myself being drawn to anyway. With the way I think and what I do, it's inevitable that I will probably be driven insane because of the self-critisism and the endless endogenous effort and expectations. But weeeee! What a ride.

    The fact remains, there is no comfort with yourself.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Well its upto you really whether your alone or not. You have to make the effort to get to know people and talk to people.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I thought about this myself too.

    I mean, I am never making a headrush into a girl. I am polite and smalltalk with her - be it for hours - but nobody is ever interested. Be it, enjoying the convo, or meeting up again, or whatever.
    when I was doing ambulance shifts I saw a lot of middleaged guys, in dirty flats, no money, no partner and I always thought, "please god, I don't want to end like this."

    It gets funny to a degree that I think I have some horrible disease written on my forehead or something, because it just never works out.

    I am direly afraid of being alone.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    StrubbleS wrote:
    I thought about this myself too.

    I mean, I am never making a headrush into a girl. I am polite and smalltalk with her - be it for hours - but nobody is ever interested. Be it, enjoying the convo, or meeting up again, or whatever.
    when I was doing ambulance shifts I saw a lot of middleaged guys, in dirty flats, no money, no partner and I always thought, "please god, I don't want to end like this."

    It gets funny to a degree that I think I have some horrible disease written on my forehead or something, because it just never works out.

    I am direly afraid of being alone.

    But you will still have family and friends. You wont be alone in the world.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    GoodFella wrote:
    But you will still have family and friends. You wont be alone in the world.

    Yes, that's right. But at some point of life you will move out, and won't be in touch with your family that often. Maybe you move even away.

    A Partner is a whole different thing than friends and family.

    Of course I value my friends, in fact I meet every single day different friends of mine. It's really nice, but they won't stimulate parts of me a partner can do (and I am not speaking sexually here now.)
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    StrubbleS wrote:
    Yes, that's right. But at some point of life you will move out, and won't be in touch with your family that often. Maybe you move even away.

    A Partner is a whole different thing than friends and family.

    Of course I value my friends, in fact I meet every single day different friends of mine. It's really nice, but they won't stimulate parts of me a partner can do (and I am not speaking sexually here now.)

    Yeah your definetely right about that, i know what you mean about that. Its just i think people have to be careful when they say there alone because the majority of the time there not. But i understand where your coming from.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    GoodFella wrote:
    Yeah your definetely right about that, i know what you mean about that. Its just i think people have to be careful when they say there alone because the majority of the time there not. But i understand where your coming from.

    How would you define alone then?
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I would say alone is when you have no one. Let me give you an example, when my grandad died his cousin who looked after him was basically left alone, she had to go back to live on her own in the middle of nowhere, her side of the family don't really seem to give a monkeys about her and she lives alone with no friends or family near her, all she has is us calling her and trying to show we care. I would say that is being alone.

    I think thats a case where you cant really do much, its sad and i guess it annoys me now when people say there alone. You still have family and friends who care and i guess its all upto whether you wanna feel alone or you can do something about it and make an effort.

    But then i do understand the case of feeling alone, by not having someone like a partner.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    StrubbleS wrote:
    I thought about this myself too.

    I mean, I am never making a headrush into a girl. I am polite and smalltalk with her - be it for hours - but nobody is ever interested. Be it, enjoying the convo, or meeting up again, or whatever.
    when I was doing ambulance shifts I saw a lot of middleaged guys, in dirty flats, no money, no partner and I always thought, "please god, I don't want to end like this."

    It gets funny to a degree that I think I have some horrible disease written on my forehead or something, because it just never works out.

    I am direly afraid of being alone.

    I share you same fears (even though I currently have a partner). This has been a concern for me from day one pretty much, always the fear of being alone in later life.

    I see people like that who seem to have no-one, but I like to try and think that no matter what happens to me, I can avoid this. If my friends and familt didn't want anything to do with me, my girlfriend left me, I was living on my own etc. Then I would make the effort to get out there and meet people. I'd go to evening classes, make an effort to socialise with people at work, join clubs etc.

    I'm a big believer in you being in control of your destiny. If you want something to happen it will do. If you don't want to be alone then you can do a whole host of things to avoid that. You can't make people want to be your friends or girls to want to be with you, but you can make it so they are more likely to.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    being the youngest in the family by about 25 years theres this nagging voice thats just kind of saying if you dont find someone soon then you will be alone for the rest of your life. Ok sure that may be a long way off but still the thought is there and im not exactly being active in searching for friends although strangely enough the contacts I have online are more of a family than my real family so in some ways i suppose i may always have a family even though ive never met any of them.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    GoodFella wrote:
    I would say alone is when you have no one. Let me give you an example, when my grandad died his cousin who looked after him was basically left alone, she had to go back to live on her own in the middle of nowhere, her side of the family don't really seem to give a monkeys about her and she lives alone with no friends or family near her, all she has is us calling her and trying to show we care. I would say that is being alone.

    I think thats a case where you cant really do much, its sad and i guess it annoys me now when people say there alone. You still have family and friends who care and i guess its all upto whether you wanna feel alone or you can do something about it and make an effort.

    But then i do understand the case of feeling alone, by not having someone like a partner.

    I did not say I was lone :confused: I said I am afraid of being alone, as in: In the future it might be that I am alone (for not finding a partner). I know, I know I am stressing to much about it. But I am on the 'search' (not so actively like a cheetah on his prey, you know what I mean), for 5 years now. I got so many rebuffs I'd buy every thesite member a shiny car if I had 10€ for each (note: little exaggeration).

    I am not alone, I am just afraid of being one day.

    /edit: I am talking of 5 consecutive years without relationship. No little things inbetween that did not work out. 5 years of nothingness. This is what heists my courage.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    ok,i dont really hav anyone who totally cares abt me in uni, n thats wat i define as being 'alone'...iv found that pretty much all the people i know in uni hav their own agendas n text me n stuf only if they feel like it - or if they need help - and this doesnt mean that they always reply to my texts n calls!

    also,when it comes to chat rooms n stuff i guess it is a load of fun...and a good way to meet new people(....i wish it was that easy to make friends face to face at uni....)but isn't making friends at ur classes n all supposed to be the normal way of going abt it?...howcome its jus so easy for some people...n not so easy for others?
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I tended to find that friends made in classes generally only ask for help when they need it. As to why some people can make friends so easily i dont know. I think it has something to do with confidence and so-on. I just wish I could make friends that easily.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    because some people are more shy than others. The personality of one person undergoes many many many steps, be it parental raising, friends, enemies, environment, media, EVERYTHING.

    I not sure if it's proven or disproven, but I even think genetics play a role.

    I have it easy to talk to people, male or female, but as soon as I am interested in a girl in more than just a friend I totally block out. I hit myself for opportunities I passed up, because I did not have the guts for it. I know shy people who have partners as well, but you kinda have to be at the right place to the right time.

    It's a dilemma.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I've been alone most of my life. I doubt that a few more weeks/months of that is going to cause me much damage. I'm fine with being in my own company.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I need time by myself, even if it's just half an hour before my bed to chill and listen to tunes.

    If I was with people 24/7 then I'd go mad. Even at work I prefer to sort of talk to different people than just hang about with the same people all day, because I will get dead irritated.

    Don't like the idea of being alone and 50 right enough, but I've never felt the need to be with anyone just so I'm with someone, y'know?
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    stargalaxy wrote:
    I've been alone most of my life. I doubt that a few more weeks/months of that is going to cause me much damage. I'm fine with being in my own company.

    When I was younger, so much younger than today,
    I never needed anybody's help in any way.
    But now these days are gone, I'm not so self assured,
    Now I find I've changed my mind and opened up the doors.

    Help me if you can, I'm feeling down
    And I do appreciate you being round.
    Help me, get my feet back on the ground,
    Won't you please, please help me?

    The Beatles - Help!
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Hey,
    Sorry to hear you're feeling lonely and worried about returning to uni. There's no specific reason as to why some people find it harder to to make friends and initiate conversation with a perfect stranger than others, it's just the way life is I suppose. If you're thinking of going up to someone and introducing yourself don't think that they won't want to talk to you, they might be just as nervous as you are!
    A really good way to meet people is to join a club or society; do you have any particular hobbies or interests? It's a great way to meet new people and you'll have something in common from the start :) I'm quite shy and I recently joined a local rowing club; I'm getting outside in the fresh air, doing a sport and meeting people, it's great. As you're an international student you could join a club for international students, I'm sure there will be other students who feel the same as you. When I was at uni there was a World's Cafe organised and every week the focus was on a different country, it was a great way to meet a bunch of people I'd would have never met otherwise. Perhaps there is something similar at your uni.
    Good luck, be positive and let us know how you get on :)
    xx
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I used to think shit what if I am alone at 50. Guess what? It happned. Its not so bad I am not stuck in a grimy bedsit. But the thought of it is worse then the reality. Its good to be in your own company. But you are never realy alone. You go to work, you get on the tube or bus etc. Its in your head. Enjoy all your life. Even the alone bits. SDA.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    sda wrote:
    I used to think shit what if I am alone at 50. Guess what? It happned. Its not so bad I am not stuck in a grimy bedsit. But the thought of it is worse then the reality. Its good to be in your own company. But you are never realy alone. You go to work, you get on the tube or bus etc. Its in your head. Enjoy all your life. Even the alone bits. SDA.

    :crying: :crying: :crying:
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    stargalaxy wrote:
    I've been alone most of my life. I doubt that a few more weeks/months of that is going to cause me much damage. I'm fine with being in my own company.

    I've always been one of those unpopular kids at school, had no real friends at sixth form or college (barely spoke to anyone last year at college outside of lessons) and work is stupidly cliquey. I can sort of cope with being on my own, I'm used to it now.
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