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what IS confidence and how can you gain it?

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  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    If you just start talking to people that are near you in a pub or something, then no-one will have an issue with that, even if they're not really into you, because it's just a conversation. If you make a conscious desicion to walk up to someone and talk to them, then it makes it seem as if you're just out to pull her, which is fine if she wants to pull someone and thinks you're good looking. Otherwise, she'll probably be quite uncomfortable. What you've got to do is just to talk to randomers, people sitting near you in a pub, on a train, at the bus stop. That way, it won't be a big deal to you, and you'll be able to chat normally and not make an issue of it, rather than picking out a girl and building it up until you eventually talk to her.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Fiend_85 wrote:
    it's nice when you can get a bit of banter going with someone randomly. I am not the kind of girl that will ever give my number to a guy that I don't see regularly and is genuinely a mate of mine. but talking to people, maybe in the queue at a post office would really build your confidence. Maybe if you spotted a reverend in the lunch queue at your local PO you could say to the lovely lady behind you. "he must be here for births marriages and deaths while we're waiting" haha chortle.

    I don't blame you for not handing your number at will and will only fork it out to someone you know quite well. There are alot of weirdos out there (besides me.) I read in the paper about a man who stole women's stilletos after sexually assaulting girls and another bloke who steals womens nose rings. geez....

    Thats a good idea to get a laugh or a smile from a girl but there is a strong possibility that it will backfire on you. Heres a couple of stories.

    My sisters on her way to work on the tube.
    Man: Are you a supermodel?
    Sister: Are you a comedian?

    A mate walks with a girl past a cemetary
    mate to girl: You Know something about that cemetary!
    Girl:what?
    Mate:People are dying to get in there!
    never saw her again.....

    of course ive always got my trusty train tracks joke....
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    If you just start talking to people that are near you in a pub or something, then no-one will have an issue with that, even if they're not really into you, because it's just a conversation. If you make a conscious desicion to walk up to someone and talk to them, then it makes it seem as if you're just out to pull her, which is fine if she wants to pull someone and thinks you're good looking. Otherwise, she'll probably be quite uncomfortable. What you've got to do is just to talk to randomers, people sitting near you in a pub, on a train, at the bus stop. That way, it won't be a big deal to you, and you'll be able to chat normally and not make an issue of it, rather than picking out a girl and building it up until you eventually talk to her.

    you mean make small talk with people? Yeah I can do that. Its just I can't do it with girls.... Its also girls look more mature than me and its sort of intimidating.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    you mean make small talk with people? Yeah I can do that. Its just I can't do it with girls.... Its also girls look more mature than me and its sort of intimidating.

    Why? Girls are the same as boys. You just have to remind yourself that you're not interested in the girl. Be interested after she opens her mouth, but before that, she's just as naff and rubbish as the rest of them. :)
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Thats a good idea to get a laugh or a smile from a girl but there is a strong possibility that it will backfire on you. Heres a couple of stories.

    Yeah, the following would backfire, because they're SHIT. You don't have to come onto someone to make conversation. Just say something. Like if you could help out, say "sorry, I overheard, but what you want is over there" the smallest thing can get you started.
    My sisters on her way to work on the tube.
    Man: Are you a supermodel?
    Sister: Are you a comedian?

    A mate walks with a girl past a cemetary
    mate to girl: You Know something about that cemetary!
    Girl:what?
    Mate:People are dying to get in there!
    never saw her again.....

    of course ive always got my trusty train tracks joke....
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    you mean between the time she opens and closes her mouth?
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Fiend_85 wrote:
    Yeah, the following would backfire, because they're SHIT. You don't have to come onto someone to make conversation. Just say something. Like if you could help out, say "sorry, I overheard, but what you want is over there" the smallest thing can get you started.

    I see, Talk to her seriously, dont open with a joke cause then she will think/know your trying to pull her. Just let convo flow from that and see where it gets you.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Exactly. Don't try and pull every girl. We can smell desperation, and it's not pretty.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I CAN'T pull...
    I DON'T pull its not me, Id rather meet a girl and get to know her.
    I don't think im desperate because I never try anything on with girls. Just if they speak to me, I speak to them. Simple as. I kind of believe in "only speak when spoken to."
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    hehe
    you said panties....
    just kidding

    My biggest fear is that a girl (the pretty ones imperticular) would tell me to fuck off if I try to speak to them or look at me like "Why are YOU talking to someone like ME!?"

    silly I know but....

    Avoid ice queens then & you're ok.

    Don't use cheesy lines, especially if you're not wanting to pull them immediately anyway, and have a common subject (eg. train times or whatever) so you've always got that to fall back on as the reason for initiating conversation if you get the ice queen treatment - i.e, you ain't gonna look a prick even if she thinks you are.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    believe it or not you should try your luck in america...my friend said when he moved for college found it easy to get chicks because of his accent he looks nothing like jude law but they keep thinking he reminds them of jude law or hugh grant...amreican women dig the aussie or brtish accent as long as its not to extreme.

    see there is always a chance to get a girl.

    some times you do not even have to try if a girl can be attracted to someone because of accent then hey you got a chance.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
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  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    ^^^^ of course :lol:

    There's a certain novelty (not always in the positive sense) to an accent but if you can't back it up with personality and a certain element of charm and confidence (not to say you have to be some lothario) then you'll be fucked whether you try and pull or start a relationship in Birmingham, UK or Birmingham, Alabama. That's a bit of an extreme step to take, anyway.

    I don't think anyone can dole out advice about gaining confidence - especially as I suspect a lot of us are possibly a little lacking in that department ourselves - but there's a lot to be said for faking it. Acting as if you're a confident self-possessed person will do you no end of good, it will make those around you feel more confident themselves and most definitely warm to you. You don't need to run around spouting chat-up lines and freaky dancing in clubs, just be chilled and when there's an opportunity to strike up a conversation/ask a question/ask someone how they are then for god's sake just take it. You might get knocked back a million times but you just dust yourself off, don't sweat the small stuff... some people are arseholes but most would have a polite chat with you even if they're not remotely interested. In that case, it's all practise :thumb:
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I would consider myself quite a confident person because i'm not afraid to voice my opinions, even if i know not many people are going to agree with them. Plus i am happy with the way i am - as others have said, once you have accepted yourself for who you are then you will become confident - plus an element of not caring of what others think may also help.

    I personally do not respond too well to random people talking to me on the trains or in the post office queue. It often seems forced and is cringe worthy - but then again some conversations flow naturally. Its just the luck of the draw
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    briggi wrote:
    ^^^^ of course :lol:

    There's a certain novelty (not always in the positive sense) to an accent but if you can't back it up with personality and a certain element of charm and confidence (not to say you have to be some lothario) then you'll be fucked whether you try and pull or start a relationship in Birmingham, UK or Birmingham, Alabama. That's a bit of an extreme step to take, anyway.

    I don't think anyone can dole out advice about gaining confidence - especially as I suspect a lot of us are possibly a little lacking in that department ourselves - but there's a lot to be said for faking it. Acting as if you're a confident self-possessed person will do you no end of good, it will make those around you feel more confident themselves and most definitely warm to you. You don't need to run around spouting chat-up lines and freaky dancing in clubs, just be chilled and when there's an opportunity to strike up a conversation/ask a question/ask someone how they are then for god's sake just take it. You might get knocked back a million times but you just dust yourself off, don't sweat the small stuff... some people are arseholes but most would have a polite chat with you even if they're not remotely interested. In that case, it's all practise :thumb:


    its amazing....believe me my friend looks nothing like jude law...he just came to the states changed his style up started dressing more fashionable lost a bit of weight and the gals always notice his accent...its a good icebreaker...you go to a store see a cute gal and "say do you know where this is at?"or whatever your looking for... and that accent alone hooks em.

    the only charm you need is a smile and your accent basically.

    so for the guys out there like johnny if all else fails you can go to other places in the world you dont have to stay in one place to find love.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    So he started dressing more fashionable and lost weight? Chances are he was more confident from that. Plus the accent is always a good icebreaker, but it's not enough without something to go with it. Wouldn't work with my accent anyway. I'm more Peter Kay than Jude Law.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    So he started dressing more fashionable and lost weight? Chances are he was more confident from that. Plus the accent is always a good icebreaker, but it's not enough without something to go with it. Wouldn't work with my accent anyway. I'm more Peter Kay than Jude Law.

    hahah well it could work but you would have to be devishly handsome if you sound like kay.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    im too much like ichi the killer most days to bother with people...
    just kidding

    I KNOW deep down girls appreciate being talked to but as I said they look much older than me.

    A mate has a theory that we dress like kids if you get what I mean. I just normally wear a pair of jeans and a t shirt almost of the time. Is that ok to wear or is my friend right?
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Wear whatever you feel comfortable in. :)
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I thought so.
    heres a classic question:
    how do you get a girls attention?
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Drop your pants. Amaze her with intellectual conversation. Kill her friend. Produce flowers and wine from thin air.

    Depends what you can do, and what kind of attention you're after. Just say hello :) :thumb:.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    pull a bunny out of my jacket pocket....

    I mean notice that your there because sometimes I walk past a group of girls and feel.....chilly....
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    how do you get a girls attention?

    In a bar? Smile at her and glance over every so often?

    If it's at work or wherever then just go up and chat, don't go up thinking you're trying to pull because it might look sleazy.

    I'm not really confident in myself, but I'm fine around girls because I don't worry about getting a knockback or whatever. I'm ambivolent to myself, I just act the way I feel and I try to be myself and I'm quite determined to be that way.

    Seriously, chill out about getting a girlfriend, just try and learn how to talk to everybody (male and female) and you'd get a better social circle, and if you did get into a relationship and it didn't work out, you'd have the confidence to pick yourself up and start again, rather than go into emotional crisis.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Just wondering about certain aspects is all.

    Im fully aware that if you go for a girl expecting a girlfriend you will be knocked flat on your ass. it just dont stick.

    I just wanna know what im missing cause ive never had one before.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I just wanna know what im missing cause ive never had one before.

    Yeah it can be really nice, but it's not the be all and end all.

    If you aren't content when you're single, then the relationship would be harder because you'd be scared of going back to the dark days of being "on your own".

    It is a gradual process though mate, but it'll come.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    its not that im not happy being single, its just a bit disheatening to be alone (aside from mates) and the fact that everywhere you go theres sex SEX SEX SEX... its enough to drive you Insane.

    Did anyone read how much sex some guys get on that thread? christ!
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I can understand that. but I've never really understood the attraction myself. There are better things to be had. Start easy and work your way up to it. No-one ever built a house starting with the roof.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Fiend_85 wrote:
    No-one ever built a house starting with the roof.

    I did, it was called...."The house that fell down"
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    oh god, after reading some of my own posts and posts from other 'Bitter' peeps on the board. I really feel/look pathetic.

    Just a reminder, Im not bitter about girls. Just trying to get clued up.....

    I just got a few more questions and then ill be fucking off for a couple days...
    1. Do you have to spend a shitload on clothes ie get T.O.T.R gear just to get a girls attention?
    2. If I wanted a grunge girl, Do I have to don grunge gear (I wouldn't mind, i like the music and all sorts of rock anyway) how does one dress as a 'grunger'? (I kinda want that look anyways)
    thanks guys
    John
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    1. Do you have to spend a shitload on clothes ie get T.O.T.R gear just to get a girls attention?

    No, just nice clothes, don't over do it. Keep it simple. Quite often, designer labels are very hard to see on tops or whatnot anyway.
    2. If I wanted a grunge girl, Do I have to don grunge gear (I wouldn't mind, i like the music and all sorts of rock anyway) how does one dress as a 'grunger'? (I kinda want that look anyways)
    thanks guys
    John

    No, you don't have to dress as one. I've went out with loads of grunge girls and I dress the total opposite as them, one thing, you might want to have a friend who is already a grunger to get you into the group as they are usually very exclusive of non-grungers.
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