Staying friends with an ex

Former Member

Do you think it is possible to stay friends with an ex without it being wierd. I've just got back from my ex of 4 years house and everytime I see him it makes me feel strange. I can't really explain the feeling but I try not to see him too often as it always seems to put me in a bad mood. We split up about 10 months ago so it's not like it's a new thing.

Do you think it's a good idea to carry on being friends with someone after being a couple for so long, would be interested to know what you all think from personal experiences? I don't like the thought of loosing touch after being part of each others lives for so long but not sure if it will ever work as friends?

Cheers my loves

Former Member

It depends on the circumstance. If they were a complete knob to you then no but if its going to cut you up seeing them then I wouldn't recommend it.

Former Member

Last year me and my ex of 3 years split up. We tried to remain friends. We are no longer friends though as we kept arguing. I don't know whether or not we should have given each other a few months space or what, maybe thats where it went wrong but we ended up falling out big time. Its sad really. He was my best friend for about a year before we dated, my best friend throughout those 3 years and now he hates me. I'd be lying if I said that doesn't upset me. I would have loved to have kept our friendship and I did try but it just didn't work out. Personally, I don't think it can work. Boy, my life would be so much easier right now if it could

Former Member

Well personally im not friends with any of my exes, but thats not to say i wouldnt be. I think once both sides of the couple are completely over each other then they have a basis for a strong friendship!

Former Member

In my case, I've managed it, but the circumstances were completely different.

Former Member

icey said it. IF both people are over each other then it has good grounds. But if that's not the case, it's going to be a very unequal friendship.

I recently deleted all contact information because even if I was over the person, he wasn't over me and I felt that it would just be cruel to try to initiate contact while that was the case. I don't harbour any bad feelings, and learnt a lot from this, and still think he's great to talk to, but it's not great to know the other person is still hurting and hoping. Therefore I decided I would leave it to him to initiate contact if he needs to talk to me or feels ready to.

Former Member

Depends how you split and if its like, straight after.

I think you still love him.

Former Member

Rachael wrote:

It depends on the circumstance. If they were a complete knob to you then no but if its going to cut you up seeing them then I wouldn't recommend it.

Exactly. Also the risk is that one of you could have feelings for the other, depends on the circumstances and who broke up with who. That could make it weird though.

Former Member

Usually too much bitching and slagging off goes on to be friends. Plus nine times out of 10 other half lies and doesn't tell full story so the mates that each of you have end up disliking the person you split up with.

Suppose it depends on how honest people are?

Former Member

Bomberman444 wrote:

Usually too much bitching and slagging off goes on to be friends. Plus nine times out of 10 other half lies and doesn't tell full story so the mates that each of you have end up disliking the person you split up with.

Suppose it depends on how honest people are?

Yes that is true, shame that.

Former Member

I think a good friendship can come of it, but only after some recovery time after splitting up. There's a couple of ex's I never want to talk to in my life again, but there's a couple, where the break-ups weren't messy, who I could easily be friends with again.
As already pointed out, the friendship is likely to be fairly unequal.
I have a situation where my boyfriend split up with his ex of over 3yrs and then got with me, a few months after. She also got a new boyfriend but they still talk to each other alot. She seems quite possessive, even though she broke up with him and has moved on, I think she has a jealousy issue and just can't let go. She calls him usually every other day, which I think is a little excessive considering I've been with him for 5 months.
I've mentioned to him that it upsets me, but he just says how there's no feelings there and he couldn't care less how much she calls cos it doesn't bother him. I believe him 100% but I know she she has more feelings for him. I've tried to let it go because I feel selfish saying anything about it, but am I being unfair?
To be honest, I think they should have had a break after splitting up. They've been in constant contact since the break-up and I think this hasn't allowed her to detach herself from him.

Former Member

i sort of managed it...things weren't the same. We eventually lost contact for a few months and in that time both had serious problems with depression and shit. I tried to contact him but i never heard anything...so i figured he didn't want to know me anymore and had moved on with his life.
About 4 months later i heard from him, he was still very low and we talked about things that had happened to us...and it went from there. We're back together and better than ever!

Former Member

MattLiverpool wrote:

Ok, I have a similar situation... I feel i'm well over it, I do still have feelings for her and always will but I don't wanna get back with her, but the ONLY thing I can't take is her hating me, I don't like it when people have a bad view of me and it's wrong.

I wouldn't mind if just every now an again we'd be able to say hello but I say hello an she's says go die, that's literally the situation.

If I saw this post and was on the outside i'd tel myself to just ignore her, go find 10 others girls, but it's just this one girl that annoys me like this an I don't know why.

From personal experiance and watching my guy mates this is pretty normal. Seems just about every girl that splits up with a guy slags him off after they have split up. In fact a lot of time they make up all kinds of bollocks during relationship which they feed their mates on the sly so they have a get out clause.

Easiest way I have always found is to ignore it and not even bother trying to correct either her or the peopel she tells. If they want to be gullible enough to believe random people without bothering to find out truth then they not worth effort.

Plus plenty of lovely girls around.

Former Member

Bomberman444 wrote:

From personal experiance and watching my guy mates this is pretty normal. Seems just about every girl that splits up with a guy slags him off after they have split up. In fact a lot of time they make up all kinds of bollocks during relationship which they feed their mates on the sly so they have a get out clause.

Easiest way I have always found is to ignore it and not even bother trying to correct either her or the peopel she tells. If they want to be gullible enough to believe random people without bothering to find out truth then they not worth effort.

Plus plenty of lovely girls around.

from my experience from my housemates, i find that guys are just as bad if not worse of the same crime

Former Member

Bomberman444 wrote:

From personal experiance and watching my guy mates this is pretty normal. Seems just about every girl that splits up with a guy slags him off after they have split up. In fact a lot of time they make up all kinds of bollocks during relationship which they feed their mates on the sly so they have a get out clause.

Easiest way I have always found is to ignore it and not even bother trying to correct either her or the peopel she tells. If they want to be gullible enough to believe random people without bothering to find out truth then they not worth effort.

Plus plenty of lovely girls around.

I wouldnt slag him off coz he is still my friend and we didnt split up on bad terms.

Mattliverpool in answer to your question I am truely not sure what the feeling is I feel and why it puts me in a bad mood. I guess it's just being in a familular situation in a place you once very comfotable and happy. I know we will not get back together and I would not want to anyway it's just a strange feeling. I think next time we meet up I'll see if he fancies going out coz I think going to his flat where I practically lived for 4 years propably doesn't help.

Thanks for the replies guys

Former Member

MrG wrote:

from my experience from my housemates, i find that guys are just as bad if not worse of the same crime

:yes: I've had mates and past housemates do it too, it's not just the girls.

Bunnie

well i can happily say i am friends with most of my exes, but luckily most of them havent gone on to have other serious relationships, bar one or two (one is now having a baby and is engaged) and i although it was hard at first to accept they had a new life, i have been there for them if they need a shoulder to cry or moan on. there is always something special between a couple that imo will never go away, no matter how hard you try. however saying that, my friends do think i am a complete freak of nature and cant understand why i would choose to stay friends with exes. back on point on though...yes you can be friends schnap x

Former Member

well i thought i could be mates with my ex but we just couldnt, she got a nu bf and it just changed everything, i dont hate her and i dont want her back as i moved on meeting new peeps, going out etc. I still have feelings for her but there not loving ones, i like her alot as friends but its a shame that she feels we cant....do what you feel is in ure heart and if that means not hurting each other then thats how its gotta stay. It hurts but its totally worth sorting it out.

Former Member

Im still firends with my ex. there was a time when we werent friends (obviously) but we are friends now. We dont talk every day, just on odd occasions i get a text/or he gets a text off me. Not being in touch constantly has helped.

Former Member

Moffster wrote:

well i thought i could be mates with my ex but we just couldnt, she got a nu bf and it just changed everything, i dont hate her and i dont want her back as i moved on meeting new peeps, going out etc. I still have feelings for her but there not loving ones, i like her alot as friends but its a shame that she feels we cant....do what you feel is in ure heart and if that means not hurting each other then thats how its gotta stay. It hurts but its totally worth sorting it out.

i dont love you either any more, im falling in love with rob. i didnt say we couldnt be friends, your attitude towards me is the whole reason we couldnt b friends.

Former Member

Oh no. Please don't bring yet more dirty laundry onto the boards. There's been so much of it recently you could fill the washing basket with it...

Former Member

Its possible. Just hard. Very hard at times.

Former Member

Mia16 wrote:

i dont love you either any more, im falling in love with rob. i didnt say we couldnt be friends, your attitude towards me is the whole reason we couldnt b friends.

Shut up you fucking weirdo.

**helen**

Mia16 wrote:

i dont love you either any more, im falling in love with rob. i didnt say we couldnt be friends, your attitude towards me is the whole reason we couldnt b friends.

Hey, these boards aren't the place to air your laundry as Christele pointed out in another thread you posted - and tbh there really isn't anything to be gained from it. There are other places where you can communicate your feelings without publicly hurting them or making others feel uncomfortable.

Thanks.

Former Member

Mia16 wrote:

i dont love you either any more, im falling in love with rob. i didnt say we couldnt be friends, your attitude towards me is the whole reason we couldnt b friends.

dear god you're giving lincoln a bad name.

Former Member

Bomberman444 wrote:

Usually too much bitching and slagging off goes on to be friends. Plus nine times out of 10 other half lies and doesn't tell full story so the mates that each of you have end up disliking the person you split up with.

Suppose it depends on how honest people are?

Way too true.
Girls tend to be the worst at it though so i've noticed. They attention seek and like to piss off the ex bfs gf for some stupid reason.
If a relationship had ended its ended for a reason and I think ex's being friends is impossible.
A good mate of mine lost friends because of an ex... its flaming stupid. It should be left between the ex's and thats that. People seem to enjoy lying and causing misery.

Former Member

I was only ever friends with one of my exs. But she went all weird when i got a new mrs?? Never understood that one.

Former Member

Maybe she felt jealous when you got a new girlfriend? Maybe she still had feelings for you and thats why she went "weird" when you got a new girlfriend. Maybe she couldn't deal with it. Alot of exes can't.

Former Member

twonk1 wrote:

I was only ever friends with one of my exs. But she went all weird when i got a new mrs?? Never understood that one.

Find most ex's don't like it when they realise you have completely forgotten about them and moved on. Plus girls never seem to see things as B&W as guys do in relationships I've found from experiance and talking to my group of friends at uni.

Former Member

Schnap me Baby wrote:

Do you think it's a good idea to carry on being friends with someone after being a couple for so long, would be interested to know what you all think from personal experiences? I don't like the thought of loosing touch after being part of each others lives for so long but not sure if it will ever work as friends?

I've never managed to maintain a friendship with an ex myself; though I'm making a half-arsed attempt at it at the moment. In the past I've never felt it was worth it, as if I was counting them as my "friends" then I'd really have no need for enemies.

Generally speaking though.. I think it's incredibly hard to cut loose a shared history, as you said, though I think the past as a couple keeps a lot of people in unhealthy situations of trying so hard to remain friends...and ends up stopping them from moving on. Especially when the break up is fresh. I guess what's needed is to weigh everything up and see if keeping them in your life is worth all the dredged-up feelings (painful memories?) you may get when you see/talk to them.

It's a tough one, definitely. :chin:

Former Member

*Stacey* wrote:

Maybe she felt jealous when you got a new girlfriend? Maybe she still had feelings for you and thats why she went "weird" when you got a new girlfriend. Maybe she couldn't deal with it. Alot of exes can't.

When we split, she had 'relationships' and I still spoke to her so why would it be different when I get a girlfriend?
So I didn't want to get back with my ex but we were friends, or so I thought.