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I already know this - I wasn't actually moaning about it; I was just making apoint.
I'm in this situation now - there's someone I used to be extremely close to and one night, I made the mistake of telling him that I fancied him. Ever since then, he's been very odd towards me.
I totally agree with you here.
I can understand the 'blunt point of view kermit but i don't think it's gonna help... If it was that easy then he wouldn't be going on about whatever's wrong...
Ok nero you're trying, but you need to sort out whatever issues you have... you obviously have some self-image issues and all this stuff ure tlaking about is making it worse...
These things don't just go away..there is nothing anyone here can say that is gonna make you feel better, go talk to a councillor or psychologist or something (that doesnt mean you are mental
I'm not chatting shite without any experience of what he's saying. I'm honestly not. I don't pretend to feel his pain, but I do recognise parts of his behaviour that were and are parts of mine.
You need the blunt point of view in many cases, I reckon. If you pussyfoot around it, you don't challenge the mental processes that cause this behaviour. If you don't challenge them they don't go away. It's one of the key points of therapy- challenging these coping mechanisms and thought processes that are harmful.
The ball is completely in Nero's court. It's up to him whether he plays, or whether he runs away. But if he isn't going to play then there's little point in him continuing to ask help, because none can be forthcoming.
The only person who can help Nero is Nero. Fact.
yeah sorry ... i didn't see the stuff about you talking to him on msn etc and past experience is more of an insight that i have i suppose
Thanks you for your advice kermit. It has totally changed my life, your hard hitting style has clearly opened my ears. I thank you.
As for the msn chat, you spoke to me for what, 20 whole minutes, and suddenly your an expert on my life. You better get a pen and pad to write my biography quickly!
and yes Kermit everything is my fault, while your at it blame world hunger and disease on me, might as well hey. Lets see how phoning someone up, asking them if they wana go somewhere, hearing them say 'duno, i'll let you know' Then calling or texting them or contacting them in some other way nearer the time and hearing them go 'duno i'll let you know nearer the time' untill its a week past that date and they are still giving the same answer is in any way my fault. Go on, give me some twisted view where i didnt try hard enough, i didnt win them over, i didnt shower them with priase or what ever other view you wish to take to make it my fault people dont like me.
so how about this Kermit, lets go out for a pint one evening, im sure your quite a nice bloke in real life and it might do me some good. Of course by asking you, you'll probably say no with some excuse (i'm busy, i got work, i duno yet) and it'll then be my fault again cos i obviously dont try and all i do with my time on this here site is moan and moan and moan with my 300 odd posts.
You know the point of this original post was that no one is ever there for me, i just want one person to come out to places with me, to give me that little extra push with things, to encourge me and mainly just to talk to me and to listen to me and just to get another view on things. Thats why i post on this site than let it all build up into some kind of hate field rage.
He didn't say everything is your fault... He said the world doesn't owe you anything...
It is NOT your fault how things have turned out, however it IS up to you to sort things... i thought about it and he has given some decent advice imo... try as hard as you can to stop focusing on the negative.. challenge ure thoughts as soon as you find ureself thinking crap like you say ('ppl don't care about me' etc)...
But namely you need to go see someone professional... they can help you with something as minor as feeling a bit down or with feeling like utter shit... You are just picking out the negative bits.... even randomers like me are taking our time to give a bit of advice, people care they just have no obligation or responsibilty to make things easy for you..
I understand how you feel but go and get something done... just tell someone who can REALLY help how you feel, there is only so much ppl can say / do over an internet messageboard. (and from this i don't mean find a random stranger to talk to... someone that knows what they're doing)..
Lastly... i'm not in any way having a go at you... so please dont try and find anything negative from this post cos i dont mean anything by it... im not implying any underlying meanings, nothing..
Professional help...hmm its mentioned a lot but i dont have the money for that sorta stuff, and at the end of the day i just see it as chatting to someone who cant actively help me. It's like talking to a wall, they listen but their advice is rather non commital. Its very easy to sit there getting paid and saying 'make new friends' i want someone to be there with me to help me make new friends, not to be on my own.
And i appreciate most the replies in this thread, cos you take your time to reply to me and say nice stuff generally, i just wish i had something a bit more solid, i dont even have a best friend, thats all i want really. Someone there for me who cares. I used to have one but she got married and well her bf didnt like me talking to her and she disappeared from most peoples lives.
It's been more than that, and no, I'm not an expert. But you post and ask for advice, this is my advice. Other people give different advice. I don't care whose you choose, but you don't choose any.
If you sit on your arse and blame the world it is.
*sigh*
This is what I mean. You're blaming the world. The world owes you nothing.
Maybe these people don't want to go out with you? It happens. Not everyone will like you, not even some people you may consider friends. That's life.
There's nothing magical to say, but this is telling:
That's what's wrong.
You can try too hard. It's easy to do.
You don't need to "win someone over", you need to be yourself and let things develop gradually. Most times it'll develop into nothing.
The problem is that you are terrified of being rejected, if you want my opinion. It makes you look needy and pathetic. You don't attract people with those vibes.
Go out for the craic- if you meet someone good, all the better. If you don't, never mind.
Most people will never be your friend. It's a hard lesson to learn, but you must.
If you set out thinking that you need to shower people with praise to "win" them, then that's where you're going wrong. People just want a good craic from their mates, they don't want someone who arse-licks, and they don't want someone who's needing them 24/7.
I'm very good company. Honest
There's nothing wrong with moaning. Honestly, there isn't. But if you're not going to listen to a single poster on these boards, then there isn't anything else that can be said. I don't mean listen to me, I mean do something about it. You may think I chat shit, but that SG or katralla or any other poster has it right. Follow their advice. But don't just sit on your bum and whinge.
A hobby you mean? Which can also be a good way to meet new people and make friends...
It's so easy for people to say "oh join a club" and you'll meet your brand-new best friend instantly, it doesn't generally work that way and almost definitely not when you're in the frame of mind that you appear to be in. I know you think these other people are completely at fault in the situation, but it's highly likely that you're pushing them away as you're trying to press in emotionally with them. If you invite someone out, text them again to remind them, wait for their reply and hear nothing...well then I'd say that was a welcome indication that they're no friend of yours. Especially if they know your state of mind currently. You might be pissed off at my saying this, but I don't really know if you're in the right frame of mind to make new friends right now...loneliness is a powerful thing, and if you attract any new friends at all then it's likely they mightn't be the most constructive new additions to your life. The friends you have right now are probably largely doing you more damage than good, if they're systematically destroying your emotional health in the way it seems they are.
Don't get me wrong, I'm not slating your entire group of accquaintances, I don't know them and don't think for a second that they're evil and have wicked intentions toward you. I think maybe they're very hesitant to forge ahead in their relationships with you (and meet up with you, spend social time) because you seem so very dependent on their approval.
Maybe it would help you to meet new people, if you have an interest or hobby then now might be the time to pursue it. But I can't help thinking the same situation would arise with any new people you meet while you still have such negative self-perception. People posting on this thread with the "tough love" approach aren't attacking you, some top-notch advice has been dispensed here but you're not looking at this from a perspective where you can see its value.
Anyway, I don't have any tangible advice, other than that I think you should seek some kind of advice from a medical professional. There's no shame in it, and I think it would help. I'm sorry I can't give better advice, I feel terribly lonely myself sometimes, but it's definitely down to me (and my damn brain, which I wish I could switch off) and not the people around me - I think the difference between you and I is the fact that I know root of it is in my own nature, and not the destructive nature and intentions of other people. I've got my fingers crossed for you anyway, it's distressing to see posts of this nature.
I'm not sure I'd be any help whatsoever, but if you need to rant and rave you can always PM me.
That's true. However, the OP can either sit on here or moan about it or do something about - like joining a club, which is a start.
Im a really un-confident person and im always shy around new people to the point where i cant eat in front of them, or in fact communicate at all other than saying "yes" or "no".
After alot of personal problems in my second year of uni i was left thinking i hadnt actually made many friends at uni, and someone who i thought was a friend turned out to be the complete opposite. So as soon as my 3rd year started i sat in lectures on my own, people sat next to me (as they do..to fill up seats) and if i missed something a lecturer said i would ask the person next to me in a friendly way if they heard what was said. If the class was given a group task i would ask the people near me if i could work with them, even if i had never spoken to them before. I now just about talk to my entire course members at uni. Which is about 50 people. Of course they are not all friends, but most of them are just people who i would say hello to if i saw them.
I have made an extra 3 "good friends" on my course
Another example of a situation was when it came to accommodation. I decided to move in with 3 people i had never met before, into a student house share. Ive always had a particular weakness with my ability to talk to men, so when i found out that the house i was interested in was home to 3 men, i forced myself to move in. I was nervous, scared and all the rest, but after living with them for a few months i feel totally at ease with them all (just about) and i have made yet another 3 friends
The point of my post is that when you force yourself in a situation, and force yourself to do things, it gives you an adrenaline rush, which is self fulfilling. Its kind of rewarding and when you realise that it is not so bad, that it makes you want to do it again.
By this process i have gained more self confidence and gained more friends.
Maybe you could take a similar approach? Its clear to me that you are lacking in self confidence because you seem to think that nobody likes you and that the world is against you. Its probably not true. It doesnt have to be something irrelevent to your life, just merge new things into your every day activities.
I personally think that you should forget these so called "friends" of yours and make some new ones. It wont happen overnight but if you push yourself enough then it will happen.
Not *all* new people that you meet will become friends. Thats just life.
But if you aren't going to get off your bum and do something constructive- and heaven knows enough constructive advice as been given- then there isn't much point.
Forcing yourself to seek medical assistance for your troubles is the most important step. And from that you get the other steps, you stop being dependant on other people's approval in life.
I don't exactly have mates coming out of my ears, but I don't care anymore. I think that's the difference.
Kermit is brusk sure, but he mentioned jobs... Want some more advice?- get a telesales job, for a month- I've done it and Boy. Does. It. Ever help you put rejection into perspective. You'll also gain assertiveness, persuasion, understanding what the other person doesn't know that they want and wrapping it up in a bow.
You say you've tried it all and that you speak to a few people, but even the most popular person won't make friends by speaking to a 'few' people- probability wise. If your existing friends don't GIVE (compassion, company, loyalty, fun) then they're not your friend really, remember give/recieve.
And how many friends do you really need? what for? Your post seems a bit like- "oh if only I had longer legs/bigger boobs/a smaller nose etc, my life would be better." But, such concerns are really masking what would make your life better. No one is perfect or lives this "Hollywood" ideal lifestyle- really, honestly truely, even the people who look like/act like they do. They seem that way because they just get on with it.
Er..leave it? Shit happens.
clearly not enough shit has happened to you to make you learn some empathy :wave:
So? Life isn't about instant fixes and quick success. You have to work for things if you want success.
Yes, life is hard. EVERYONE has difficulties. The trick is to overcome them.
In a club, you're more interested in pulling a bird/bloke, dancing or simply having a good time with your friends. Making small talk with strangers is secondary to that.
Keep on trying.
No one has to like you.
He doesn't deserve empathy. Especially if he keeps whining on about how no one has any time for him.
I forgot. People on the Internet can sense your personality! :yeees: :rolleyes:
theres that small thing called consideration
He does.