aged 16, with boyf, wants a baby.....advice plz?

Former Member

. Im 16, my boyfriends 18. Ive been with him for about 2 and a half months but we know each other really well, i have been getting broody lately, and he knows, weve had conversations about having a baby, and he sed he'd like kids eventually. He sed that before he would have a kid he'd hav to be really confortable that the relationship will work, and he would have to feel like he would marry the girl tommorow. When I asked him today if he would marry ME, he sed "put it this way, if things keep carrying on the way they have for us so far, i'd marry u in a flash"
a sweet moment.

im on the pill and we use condoms, i wouldnt trick him and he trusts me.

im in college and he works full-time. i think our parents would help out when they get over the initial shock.

within the next few weeks we could both be ready to concieve. Does everyone think this is ok and what advice/words of wisdom would u give.

can i also add that the reason i want a child so young is becoz i want to be young and fit so i can do lots of things with it like go to theme parks on scary rides when its older etc. as my mam was in her 30s when she had me and altho i havent missed out on anything, i'd love to be able to be that active with my child.

Former Member

I'm not being harsh or anything here, but this is just my general opinion on the whole thing <IMG alt="image" SRC="http://www.thesite.org/ubb/smile.gif"&gt; - 2 and half months is no way long enough a relationship to consider having a child with someone. I've been out with people for like 3 months and then broken up with them, you're still getting to know each other really properly!

You say you're at college, don't you think it'd be better to finish your course and then see if you're with him and then maybe think about it again?

Being a teenage mum is really hard work. Read Lollys diary that she writes on thesite, shes a teenage mum and she tells it how it really is.

You say you don't wanna be an old Mum so you can be more active with your kids etc but if you have a baby when you're 22, 8 years from now, or even when you're 20 when that childs 10 you're only going to be 32 or 30 and thats still young! I think you'll still be active then!

Just think about things really carefully.

Former Member

I apply for part time jobs all the time, my boyf works and we'd get help from benefits and stuff! i could stay in college(im in my 1st year) and go to uni, they have creches which if u have benefits, they will pay for!
I understand your point of view tho!

also i have known this lad longer than ive been with him, i know him better than i knew my ex when we broke up after nine mths!

where is lollys diary please?how old is she and her baby?? i would like to read it, and i have thought things through...i really think i could still have a life with a baby....i dunno....i mite just be being stupid but i have really thought it out.....it all started when i had a pregnancy scrae a few weeks ago...the condom slipped off....i had the morning after pill(too much detail! lol) and i really didnt want a kid, then when i thought about it...i realised that it wouldnt be such a bad thing really.....and then i wasnt pregnant, and i was upset coz i'll never know if i killed a baby/foetus(!)

Former Member

having a baby is a LOT of stress. u talk about going to a uni with a creche, only a few of them actually have them ,and u may not get into one of those ones, uni is v. competitive.

the baby would have to be first priority and u mite not do as well as you could usually.
http://www.thesite.org/relationships/families/baby_diary_part_19.html

lolly's baby diary is here, i suggest you read all of it and consider everything before you make up ur mind.

what does ur boyfriend think of being a father at only 18? really, you have so much left to do in ur life, maybe waiting till ur 20? thats still very young.

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There's a girl in my mirror
I wonder who she is
Sometimes I think I know her
Sometimes I really wish I did <IMG alt="image" SRC="http://www.stopstart.fsnet.co.uk/smilie/flowerface.gif"&gt;

Former Member

like i sed...he says when he would marry me he would have a child with me....even tho we dont have to get married....im reading her diary....its what i expect....my sister has had two kids....first one age 17.....she is in college now at 24....and is finally sticking it out....even when the kids were babies she could have gone to college or worked...she just doesnt stick stuff like that out...she didnt even do her gcses....but im more sensible than that.....and iwould have a lot of support, and my boyf would be there for me so unlike lauren, i wouldnt be a single mum. <IMG alt="image" SRC="http://www.thesite.org/ubb/smile.gif"&gt;

Former Member

*bump*

<IMG alt="image" SRC="http://www.thesite.org/ubb/biggrin.gif"&gt;

Former Member

I've read your points and ones put across by other readers and I think that at 16 you are far to young to have a child, don't you want to live your life a bit first? You would be giving up your life for the next 10 maybe more years if you were to have a child. I know you say your bf would support you but a lot of ppl think that and then he does eventually walk out. At the start it would be practically impossible to run a part time job and look after the baby as they need attention 24 hrs a day.
I think that you would be better off finishing college and then seeing how you feel in a years, 2 years time, don't know how long your going to be there for.
Also by the time you have finished college you and your bf may not be together, i now that sounds awful but it could happen. My m8 was with her bf for 16monthes and last month her turned round and broke up with he for no reason at all! We were all completely shocked, everyone thought they would be 2gether for life.

Have a 2nd think about what you would be getting into if you were 2 have a child. Also maybe you should suggest the idea to your parents as you said they would probably help after getting over the initial shock, that sounds like you know they wouldn't be happy, and what about his parents? Would they help, would they be mad, if you got pregnant it could cause major family rows and im sure you wouldn't want that to happen.

Good Luck <IMG alt="image" SRC="http://www.thesite.org/ubb/smile.gif"&gt;

[This message has been edited by weaversgal (edited 28-10-2001).]

Former Member

All of your points are good, but we have discussed everything like that(on the phone again last night) and i get on well with his family so i dont think they would be annoyed, as long as we explain it was not an accident...that we thought it through well.as 4 my parents been annoyed, they were when my sis had a baby at 17....and then again when she had one at 23!!! so ieither way they wouldnt be very happy! also my boyf sed eother before getting pregnant or being pregnant we would get engaged, and he sed that the point where he would try for a baby, is when he would want to get engaged...he sed that would be sooner than i think...we sed that the earliest we would start trying tho would be christmas, then if i we were to tell everyone i was pregnant when i was 3 months on.....it will feel like weve been together for ages... <IMG alt="image" SRC="http://www.thesite.org/ubb/smile.gif"&gt; he's so perfect, i suggested before tryin for a baby we had a break so he could sleep with loadsa lasses etc. and he was having non of it!! bless!!

PLEASE REMEMBER! CHRISTMAS WOULD BE THE EARLIEST WE'D START TRYING SO WE ARE REALLY THINKING IT THROUGH AND PLANNING FORB THE FUURE! IM CHECKING OUT THE CRECHE FACILITIES AT COLLEGE NEXT WEEK SO I DONT THINK WE'LL BE MORE PREPARED! IM BEING REALISTIC I THINK, IM NOT RUSHING INTO IT, IF I DONT THINK WE'D MANAGE I WOULDNT DREAM OF HAVING A KID, NOTHING IS DEFINATE YET, JUST VERY POSSIBLE!

Former Member

i HAVE TO SAY THAT MY PREVIOUS POST REALLY DOES SOUND NAIVE AND CHILDISH....oops caps lock. but seriously...if i dont think we will/can manage, i wont have a baby becoz i wouldnt want it to have a bad quality of life, do u understand that? It might even be just a phase, thats why we'll wait til christmas, the fact we r talking about it seriously shows we're not dumb---at least thats what i think anyway!

<IMG alt="image" SRC="http://www.thesite.org/ubb/smile.gif"&gt;

Former Member

and as for the security of the relationship thing.....i think u have that risk of breaking up at 16, 18, 25, 36, married, unmarried etc!nothing like that is EVER certain <IMG alt="image" SRC="http://www.thesite.org/ubb/smile.gif"&gt;

Former Member

nikki, look at it this way. A recent study found that the average cost of raising a child from the age of about 5 to 15 was over £150,000. Ok, so it won't all be in one lump sum but it is still a lot of money.
And I think having a child it 16 is bad enough, but with someone you have been with for only 2 1/2 months is worse.

Former Member

but i knew him for about 4 months before we started goin together, and we havent been apart that much, we know each other so well, 2 n a half months doesnt sound long but think of 2 and a half months before today (august)it seems so long ago!

Former Member

Nikki, if you have read mine you'll see that we were only married for 3 months when I got pregnant.But the initial shock is we got married 3 weeks after meeting eachother, dispite his mum being a nasty cow. I don't regret marrying him and I don't regret getting pregnant and I'm only 19.(I was 18 when I got married) If you feel that you two are ready then go for it. But remember that you really have to want the baby aswell because if anything was to happen to yous then you can't think 'oh well I don't want the baby'

Former Member

thanx for the positive advice <IMG alt="image" SRC="http://www.thesite.org/ubb/smile.gif"&gt; I ahd thought about worse case scenario's (evidently!) and i would be completely prepared to be a single mum--even tho i im sure it would never come to that <IMG alt="image" SRC="http://www.thesite.org/ubb/smile.gif"&gt;

maybe we could swap email addys? even tho im not pregnant now, im still a mum-to-be in a way <IMG alt="image" SRC="http://www.thesite.org/ubb/smile.gif"&gt;

Former Member

Yeah sure. I suppose I could even give you advice while I am pregnant as I would be further on

Former Member

i know how u feel niki!!

i am 16 and i have been with my boyfriend who is 18 now for 20 months! i would love a baby but he doesnt want 1 now.

i know it would be really silly to hava a baby now becos we are both so young

have u thought that becos he is only 18 if u did have a baby he would be scared off by the commitment of it all and then u would be on ur own, that is what scared me. and also my friend is just 17 and she had a baby when she was 16 and her bf has started being really immature and quite nasty to her,

i would wait a while if i was u,

Former Member

<IMG alt="image" SRC="http://www.thesite.org/ubb/frown.gif"&gt;

Former Member

everyone has different opinions <IMG alt="image" SRC="http://www.thesite.org/ubb/frown.gif"&gt; i dont expect everyone to think im right in wanting a baby now(i keep writing baby but i mean child, i dont just want the baby and then be bored when its older....like puppies turning into dogs!)

im not gonna concieve til after christmas so i have plenty of time to save-up some money and think things through <IMG alt="image" SRC="http://www.thesite.org/ubb/smile.gif"&gt;

Former Member

i think, that whilst ur arguments are good n proper, ur completely fucked in the head.

it's expensive, it's trying on everyone involved, it restricts everything u do for the next 18 years - do u want to waste away the best years of ur life thinking non-stop about what is best for the baby/child/teenager?

2.5 MONTHS! FUCKING HELL WOMAN are u totally insane? and...oh, i guess it's ok then, u've known him nearly 7 months - wow, that's a shit long time, isn't it!? ive got friends i've known for fucking ever that i wouldn't have babies with!

yeah, ur right, whatever age u are u'll always have uncertainty in a relationship, but by the time ur 23/24, another 8 years, u'll be far more experienced and better equipped to make an informed decision about a relationship.

i think ur out of ur mind, and i hope thesite is going to get this across to u. u should not be having a baby at this age, no matter how well prepared you are.

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If there's anything more important than my ego around here, i want it caught and shot now

Former Member

Im sorry i know you dont want to hear this but i have to say that i agree with turtle.
When i was 16 i was with my b/f for 9 months thought everything was sooo good & i wanted a kid. we broke up eventually.
i have now been with my current b/f for 6 years & im not ready for kids now & im 22. i know that we have ups & downs & that im not totally sure we will last. what im trying to say is we all get so wrapped up in how good things are & how good they will be that we forget the reality. i really urge you to wait.
are you actually living with your b/f?
as this will always open your eyes as to what your partner is really like!

Whats the hurry you are still young & have plenty of time, if you are so sure then whats the harm in waiting at least a year or two?
i dont mean to go on but i really think you are making the worst decision.

good luck whatever you decide just be sensible <IMG alt="image" SRC="http://www.thesite.org/ubb/wink.gif"&gt;

Former Member

I agree with turtle, but I didnt have the guts to say it!
You really aren't thinking straight, you will be severely restricting your life if you go ahead with this, and you will be restricting the lives of all those around you. Don't even think about doing this until you are in your 20's.

Former Member

Nikki honey u sound a bit lost in the dream of having a baby are u totally sure this is what u want?

I'd agree with most of what other ppl have said here, just make sure u go out with the guy a bit longer to make sure he isn't going to run away as most guys do when commitment is looming.

My friend who had a baby at 16 said it ruined her teenage years but now she wouldnt give her kid up for anything, make sure its what u really want ok.

Former Member

I think you're caught up in the whole "in love" thing. You and your b/f haven't been 2getha that long and you've had all these feelings come rushing. If I was you I'd wait until I'd finished college then see if you still feel the same way and if you're still with your b/f. I know you said you'd be fully prepared to be a single mum but I'm not sure if you actually would be if it came to that. I know I wouldn't be prepared! But you do seem dead set against the idea, and the decision is yours and your b/f's in the end, but I think you should wait a while. <IMG alt="image" SRC="http://www.thesite.org/ubb/smile.gif"&gt;

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*~OtHeR - wOrLdLy~* <IMG alt="image" SRC="http://www.stopstart.fsnet.co.uk/smilie/angel.gif"&gt;

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Former Member

Can I just ask why are you so dead set on wanting a baby at your age? Cos I'm a bit lost as to why you want one...

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*~OtHeR - wOrLdLy~* <IMG alt="image" SRC="http://www.stopstart.fsnet.co.uk/smilie/angel.gif"&gt;

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Former Member

Originally posted by Nikki_S:
I apply for part time jobs all the time, my boyf works and we'd get help from benefits and stuff! i could stay in college(im in my 1st year) and go to uni, they have creches which if u have benefits, they will pay for!

Ok sorry to keep making posts lol, but I just re-read everything and your point about benefits kinda made me a lil angry. You said that you'd get help from benefits but you can't rely on the fact these exist. I really don't think you should even try for a baby until the both of you are settled and comfortable money wise etc.

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*~OtHeR - wOrLdLy~* <IMG alt="image" SRC="http://www.stopstart.fsnet.co.uk/smilie/angel.gif"&gt;

<IMG alt="image" SRC="http://www.stopstart.fsnet.co.uk/smilie/elefant.gif"&gt;

Former Member

i do want a kid now, but last nite i slept at my boyfs house and he sed his ex is claiming she thinks shes preganant on the groundsshe is havein morning sickness shes prob lieing so i said we should wait and see what happens, hes ringing her tonite to find out if shes been ytested. shes prob trying to get him back but he hates her coz she cheated on him and if shes lying about this im gonna knock her out!

so everyone offering advice, cheers but im gonna have to wait a while anyway coz if she is pg, we'll have to wait til its born so he can do a test to see if its his kid.


and bytheway, yes i live with my boyf, i moved into a shared house a few months ago so thats how i met him!

Former Member

Nikki, you cannot seriously be prepared for what a baby will do to you at 16.

Firstly, I've got to silence the cynics who say that you and your bloke won't last. i met my fiancée at 17 and we're still happy and together nearly 6 years on. I knew at 2 months, so possibly you know too.

BUT, don't you think this is the time in your life when you are supposed to be enjoying each others company? It may sound selfish but at 17 I didn't want to share my bloke with anyone and he was the same towards me. I couldn't imagine having to put our relationship in second place and be mum and dad, totally responsible for a child.
There is so much out there that you could be doing and seeing. U and your man should be relishing that whilst you can.

It is also a bit selfish to be bringing a child into the world when basically you have nothing to offer it. I know u have
love, but these days it is not enough. You need life experience, finance, a stable home, you'll need to know how to run a home. Can you honestly provide all of these. And I don't think you shoould get too excited about social security benefits. They pay very little. Basically just enough to get by, with no extras for leisure or luxuries. And by luxuries I mean own brand beans, a packet of biscuits as a treat. U will have NO money for a wee night out when it al gets too much to bear.

Finally u need to be aware what a baby can do to a loving relationship. i have two friends who totally adored each other. They were so much in love and we all thought they'd be together forever. Since their baby was born last year their relationship has been totally and utterly destroyed because of the toils of working/being parents/running a home. They have different priorities as hes out workin and shes at home with the baby. When he comes home he's looking to relax, put his feet up with the paper and she's craving adult conversation. This is just the tip of the iceberg.

Oh and one last point.

University+baby=absolute nightmare.

Imagine being up all night withthe kid being ill or teething and having an exam the next morning. or the baby being clingy and demanding when u have coursework due. Lecturers are understanding, but a deadline is a deadline.

Whatever you do decide, best of luck to u. Keep us up to date....

Former Member

Ok, no offence, but bad idea. I'm 17, and pregnant, and no it wasn't planned, but i'm ok with it. But this is so much to go through this young. You say u can stay in college, but a young baby needs its mother as much as possible, and not being with it through its early years will be so hard. Yes uni creches are free, but your work will suffer having a two year old to amuse. Its not all cuddles and talc, for the first 3 months it'll do little else but cry eat and sleep, and not drinking 4 9 months? its only been 5 and i'm pining. think of ure body, no bikini's if u get stretchmarks, and it'll never be exactly how it was. No clubbing or parties 4 the next 5 years, no going to posh resteraunts or holidays to ibiza. I think its great u want a baby young, but how about in your early 20's? you'll still be fit enough to go on thrill rides well into ure 30's. I won't tell u it's all bad, because it's not, but b4 u go into it, make sure u know EXACTLY what ure getting ureself into.

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Devon
The earth is made of dirt and wood, and I'd be water if I could

Former Member

no offence or anything but..... erm........... ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR MIND!!

as the person b4 said, you're caught up in a dream, you can't be half as ready for those responslbities.... think of this, when u have this child, you can't go to anymore parties, you'll have to keep working to support this child, you'll have to drop out of school.... etc etc etc

it'll be bye bye social life....... and what will be your situation if your boyfriend leaves you?? the child will be all your resposibility... are you sure you're ready for this???

and c'mon, "2 months??" i bet here are loads of things you don't know about this guy, 2 months isn't enough time to get to know someone...

and to add to all of this you're 16!! i'm 16 and that thought would never even cross my mind! you're still a child....

Former Member

Oh I dunno, you sound like the sort of girl that isn't really getting up to much else, so surely sitting at home looking after a kid collecting child support welfare is going to be more profitable and rewarding that sitting at home, collecting unemployment welfare doing nothing.

Go for it. Its going to happen accidentally anyway, plus if you think your bf might leave you having a kid is a perfect way to keep in the relationship.

You dont want to be an old mother that cant relate to her kids either.

Former Member

Yeah Kza, great advice. I think you're being a wee bit steroetypical there don't you?