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Struggling today
Redemption
Community Connector Posts: 5,237 Part of The Furniture
I have different thoughts that affect my mood especially around times like summer, Christmas, and my birthday. Around those times I feel down because it reminds me another year has passed and I haven’t reached where I want to be. I’ve felt like this for the last couple of years thinking I had a clear pathway yet I’m still in a similar place. I keep telling myself this will be the year but it never happens. The frustrating part is I am actually putting in effort. I’ve done things I dreaded like my Maths Functional Skills and volunteering. I used to hope they’d get cancelled but I still went even when things didn’t go well. I volunteered once a week for a few months but it was demotivating and I didn’t feel valued especially since I wasn’t getting paid. Not being paid hit my confidence because it made me feel like my work or even me wasn’t valued. I know volunteering can be rewarding especially in mental health but for me it was hard since I want to get paid and work to support myself.
I’ve got more support now. I finally found the courage to get counselling which I’d struggled with for years. I’ve had in-person and now online counselling and use online services like this one that help me feel supported. Still I get lonely during the day and when I can’t sleep which happens a lot. The setbacks failures and negative comments over the years are exhausting mentally emotionally and physically. I lose so much sleep and often wake feeling worn out and drained. Most days I feel like shit tired and like I can’t catch a break no matter how hard I try. I overthink everything even small things feel big. For example I missed a mock job interview recently and can’t stop beating myself up over it. Things like that add to the pressure and make me feel like I’ve messed up again even though I’m trying. I sometimes feel ashamed like I’m letting people down or that I’m a disappointment even when I’m trying my best.
I also struggle to trust who’s genuine. When people act overly positive or give generic encouragement it feels sugarcoated or fake. This feeling comes from past experiences like college staff I thought were genuine but laughed about me behind my back multiple times and from different people. That has made me paranoid worrying people talk behind my back or don’t really like me. I get scared people aren’t being genuine with me and that just adds to the pressure. I’ve had bad experiences with friends too which added to my trust issues. Sometimes I’d rather people show their true colours and be upfront even if it’s hurtful because at least then I know where I stand. I’m definitely not an angel few people are. We’ve all made mistakes or done bad stuff but it’s about learning and growing. I’m battling through all this the best I can. It’s really hard and sometimes I just need to vent. I’m glad I can because holding it all in only makes it worse.
I’ve got more support now. I finally found the courage to get counselling which I’d struggled with for years. I’ve had in-person and now online counselling and use online services like this one that help me feel supported. Still I get lonely during the day and when I can’t sleep which happens a lot. The setbacks failures and negative comments over the years are exhausting mentally emotionally and physically. I lose so much sleep and often wake feeling worn out and drained. Most days I feel like shit tired and like I can’t catch a break no matter how hard I try. I overthink everything even small things feel big. For example I missed a mock job interview recently and can’t stop beating myself up over it. Things like that add to the pressure and make me feel like I’ve messed up again even though I’m trying. I sometimes feel ashamed like I’m letting people down or that I’m a disappointment even when I’m trying my best.
I also struggle to trust who’s genuine. When people act overly positive or give generic encouragement it feels sugarcoated or fake. This feeling comes from past experiences like college staff I thought were genuine but laughed about me behind my back multiple times and from different people. That has made me paranoid worrying people talk behind my back or don’t really like me. I get scared people aren’t being genuine with me and that just adds to the pressure. I’ve had bad experiences with friends too which added to my trust issues. Sometimes I’d rather people show their true colours and be upfront even if it’s hurtful because at least then I know where I stand. I’m definitely not an angel few people are. We’ve all made mistakes or done bad stuff but it’s about learning and growing. I’m battling through all this the best I can. It’s really hard and sometimes I just need to vent. I’m glad I can because holding it all in only makes it worse.
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Comments
I can also hear how you're finding it hard to know how to trust, due to past experiences of people treating you poorly and talking behind your back which isn't kind. This is a good topic to discuss with your counsellor as it's not an uncommon experience - I wonder if this is something that you've considered discussing with them?
We're here to listen to you, and to support you through this.
@Azziman thanks so much for replying, I have changed counselling Im having it here now at the mix soon but I used to have it as a center, I think I did discuss my previous experience, Im not sure I mentioned it in that much detail. Always appreciate y'all support me. Hope you're well Azziman
I feel ok about it @Katie thanks, it will clash with our Sunday Support Threads but thats ok, Ill be getting that support replaced and can join you later in general chats