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@DonnerKebab yh there's something nice about a diesel. I'd probably pick petrol they do an electric version of that Ford Puma but it's expensive. I think it will be 2 wheel drive probably front wheel drive too. So cool, I think the top spec had massaging seats.
I think I remember it @DonnerKebab yh awd cars are cool
An all wheel drive meant Clarkson's car on the float was evenly balanced, whilst May and Hammond who had back wheel and front wheel drives were front heavy or back heavy causing them to almost sink. 😂
I’m never gonna win my battle no matter how hard I try it’s never gonna happen, I’m already at rock bottom, one day I’ll loose. I’m tired of this constant battle where I’m just fighting myself, my head is at war with my heart constantly. I saw a quote on instagram that said “you can take a person out of trauma but not trauma out of a person” that hit hard…
I was meant to die 8th July 2022 at age 15 that was the day my battle was meant to end instead I had police at my door who sent me to hospital whilst I sat in the car in pure silence being called a selfish little Brit, the day I got grounded for a month for attempting to end my life. I spent a night in hospital first in a side room where a nurse asked me why I did what I did, then the mental health doctor asking me why I did what I did and he told me that I’d been through hell and endured what a 15 year old shouldn’t have. 3am moves to a ward whilst my mum sat there ignoring me, whilst a nurse put me on a ward on my own because I was told I’d make other children unsafe…the morning after a different mental health doctor did an assessment sending me home saying I wouldn’t do it again. 5 mins after discharge crisis team phone my mum and an hour later they were at my house guilt tripping me. 72 hours of them coming to see me and then referring me to camhs…they was useless and said I made up all the trauma…
I was 11 when I realised why no one wanted to know me, why people never stay in my life without hurting me and leaving me. I don’t want to be here anymore than people want me here, I never was needed, I was just born for nothing. I wish I was gone 💔 I’m sorry
I agree @DonnerKebab anyway we'll chat tomorrow I'm gonna head to bed now. You sleep well
I know your tired of trying and probably feeling a little patronised by me saying this so much, but i know how tired you are of fighting. Of being stuck in survival mode. And that it's been like that for so long. At 11 you said. That's the same age i became a full time carer with no support and was in survival mode since. I know over time it breaks you down, until mentally, you feel you can't go on anymore, at rock bottom, with no hope on the horizon. As stupid as this will sound river, rock bottom, i've been at, i know how hopeless and how little self worth a person feels at that point, and it's fucking horrific. Me saying time made things more tolerable bit by bit, and hope glimmered again after a few years will no doubt mean nothing. Words mostly mean nothing when you can't see any hope at that stage, hitting rock bottom. But i promise, there is hope things improve. From personal experience.
You were not meant to die on 8th july 2022 river. You were meant to have a loving family, to raise and support you, and care for you. You were never meant to go through hell, and be failed by system after system even to this very day. You were meant to have so much better, and the whole world let you down and failed you. This was never your fault, and never meant to happen River. Your battle was never meant to end that day, because your battle was never ever supposed to begin. You shouldn't have ever had to fight that war. And to be let down so so much, even by the hospital and family on that day, is the greatest shame they should ever feel. I am so so sorry you went through that all, but you were never meant to die river. You were always meant to have a happy thriving life. At 15, you should have had a stable loving family, doing whatever it is 15 year olds do, i have no clue honestly what. Instead, everybody let you down, and you ended up in hospital still being mistreated. And for CAMHS to say that, is a fucking disgrace. CAHMS has let so many down for so long at this point, and this is one of the worst failures i've ever heard.
At 11, to think that, and to have it drilled in by systemic failures, is unimaginable. But just because the rest of the world are failures who let you down, it doesn't mean you ever deserved to be failed. You were born for so much more River, you are loved here, and we want you here. You are needed, you are cared for here, and i thank god that you are still here River.
You are impossibly strong. For fighting all of this, all of your life, and still standing today. Still kind at heart. You are impossibly amazing my friend. You just need to be reminded of how amazing you are at times when you've been so worn down by it all. I'm sending 2 virtual hugs today. One for opening up about this and the other for being so strong and handling today as brilliantly as you have.
Sorry if this sounds like rambling or doesn't make sense.
@Redemption night bro. you have a good sleep too
Seeing others having a normal life and never having it yourself stings. And not knowing what life even feels like, it stings so badly. But, there is always hope of getting that. Even after getting knocked down so many times, there's hope of getting that life yourself. I promise you on my life, there is hope of that. That's what keeps me emotionally going.
If it is any consolation, nothing feeling safe since 11 was the exact same for me. hyper viligence. you know a lot about my carer role for my younger brother, but i didn't talk about why my mum couldn't handle him anymore. he had violent meltdowns. The mind of a 6 month old, but with raging hormones of a teenager. With no emotional regulation, violent meltdowns were a daily event. At any time, at any point, anything could set him off, and he would violently headbang the wall, or attack others, including my mum. As my mum got older and struggled with COPD, and my brother got bigger and stronger, it was dangerous. I had to pull him off my mum during his violent meltdowns where he attacked her nearly every day for a long time. Headbutts bad enough to put her on the floor, and he wouldn't stop if given the chance. It wasn't just being a carer for my brother, it was being a bodyguard for my mom, knowing any moment, a violent meltdown could happen. It's eased now a huge amount, but growing up that was it for me. 5 minute lie in in bed, my mum was attacked, ran and had to lock herself in the bathroom, and i raced downstairs when i heard his screaming with him trying to get into the bathroom to get her. A walk to the park with my mum and him, he and my mum went on a bouncy castle, never had enough for me so i waited behind the railings, and he attacked her. Had to jump over and pull him off her, and stop his subsequent attempts to get her. And then you had people at the park looking like they were about to step in and knock my brother out, not understanding his mental condition, so i had to deal with that as well at any moment. I was about 13 or 14 for both these cases, but again, this was usually a daily occurance, thus, no going out at all or hanging out or making friends ever.
I understand being on guard every moment, of every day, for over a decade, and i'm still damaged by it today. I don't know how, i don't know anything about CPTSD, but the times i couldn't react fast enough to stop the first headbutts and bites, i felt fucking awful, and it destroys your self worth and confidence and leaves you deep down, I guess, based on how it made me feel, with hypervigilance at every second, it left me scared of everything and a loser for not doing better. The meltdowns now aren't violent against others, just him headbanging against the floor, but i go in as usual whenever they happen, at any moment, put his helmet on him to cushion his head, and that's it. Steer him away from hard surfaces. It's rough even now, because i have to react fast for his safety, but it is what it is. No safety for so long always alert waiting for the next one to strike, it left me very scared and afraid even today. Can i ask if that's how you are right now?
hoping i never have to go back 🤣 luckily my surgery is in a different hospital so i technically don’t have to go back aha
Glad to hear you don't have to go back to the hospital that was judgy. I hope they are nicer at the hospital you get your surgery at eylah. Speaking of which, how are you feeling about it if you don't mind me asking?
im scared tbh. very scared. being put to sleep is scaring me 😫
@eylah night eylah, have a good sleep
Sorry @DonnerKebab i ended up falling asleep after the vent. You shouldn’t have to be a body guard or a carer for your brother, you deserve a life where you can just be young, you shouldn’t of had to be the adult from a young age. Is there no way to get your brother like a specialist carer that can help so you don’t have to take all the pressure 💕 sending you hugs 🤗