Anybody want to vent or chat about anything? (Triggering stuff edition)

DonnerKebab

This is like the previous feel free to vent or chat about anything discussion, only with a trigger warning in place for the whole thread, so everybody feel comfortable to post what you want here triggers or not, and be warned that some of the things posted may cause triggers for you. This si so everybody can be open and vent.

DonnerKebab

@eylah

toffuna101

hello

DonnerKebab

@toffuna101 Hey toffuna, feel free to speak openly, a trigger warning is in place for the whole thread, so don't worry about triggering anybody. Just be open with whatever you want.

eylah

hey i won’t say exactly what she was saying but ill put it in a spoiler and add a tw

tw// sh

she kept showing me certain pics of things ( idk if i can say bc of guidelines) and it rly triggered me.

she then went on to be rly horrible after i told her im rly triggered by this and she was making fun of my mum not being here anymore and im just sat here in a bawl of mess bc im rly upset abt this. idk why ppl think its okay to be so horrible.

DonnerKebab

@eylah That is beyond cruel of her. Whoever she is, she is not a good person. You would do good to cut her off if you can, because that isn't a friend, that's somebody being cruel for cruelty's sake and you deserve better than that.

eylah

i am just so sleep deprived i am just breaking down every minute. i just want peace in my mind but there is no peace atm it is just constant constant constant.

eylah

thankyou so much @DonnerKebab for the support

DonnerKebab

@eylah no worries. You deserve support. I know it's overwhelming right now already, and to have all that on top, it's just extreme, but you are doing so well eylah. You really are. it's natural to be breaking down so much with everything happening, but there's always hope things might get better in future. It's small consolation right now, but, we've got your back friend, and we're all so proud of you.

eylah

i am debating whether to talk to a helpline not bc im suicidal or anything but bc i feel like im putting so much pressure on you @DonnerKebab abt supporting me etc and i just feel rly bad bc of it.

DonnerKebab

@eylah being able to sit here and talk to you and provide just a fraction of the kindness you've shown me and everyone else, back to you is something that actually makes me happy eylah. Please don't feel bad or worry about that at all. I promise, it's fine, i love helping and supporting. Please use this space to vent and talk freely. And if you feel a helpline with professionals might be better for you, that's fine too. You are an awesome person Eylah, and you deserve this support.

eylah

i rly appreciate you @DonnerKebab talking here with you is rly helping me so thankyou. i put makeup on this morning and i’ve just cried it all off 😂 it is just sad lol my life rly is.

DonnerKebab

@eylah letting it all out and allowing yourself to feel is one of the best things there is. It doesn't seem it, but being able to be open with those emotions, it can make a huge difference. Even if it isn't the full amount and you're still bottling things up, letting yourself cry and feel is the best thing there is and will ease perhaps a little of it bit by bit.
I bottled stuff up for so long and went emotionally numb because for me, it was easier than letting myself feel. You are stunningly brave for having the courage to let yourself feel and cry, and i know how scary it is to do that.

eylah

i want a life where im happy to wake up and be happy that im alive but its been years and years now since i single digits and it is not getting better if anything its getting worse and there’s nothing i can do abt it. im trying every day to help ppl bc helping ppl helps me but i feel so helpless rn that i am doing a shit job at helping ppl. i rly just hate myself as a whole i just want to be happy. loved & cared abt . life is torture.

DonnerKebab

@eylah i get that. i really do. When it's been so long since you've been happy, it seems it will never come, and being unable to change it, it feels suffocating. But can i just say, that you have helped so many people on here so much, and you are doing an amazing job at it on here. You are actually the first person in my life to tell me that you are proud of me. You are doing an amazing job eylah, i want you to know that. And wanting to be happy loved and cared about by someone in your life, it really does help and is a basic human need, and it's heartbreaking you've not had that for such a long time.
I hold on myself because I desperately hope things will get better in the future. I know it's not much consilation now, but things can improve. And for what it's worth, we're here for you, to talk whenever you want to, and to remind you about how great of a person you are. There's always hope things get better, it's just hard to see at times.

toffuna101

potential TW
so basically i posted a thread today about relationships/family and ive been thinking. who would honestly want to be in a relationship with me? its not that im ugly dont get me wrong. its just that i have cerebral palsy and its clearly visible if you looked at me. i use a kaye walker to walk around (if you dont know what that is i recommend you search it up) and my hips make me walk from side to side. i dont sway necessarily and it doesnt hurt when i walk but its noticeable. my posture is also not straight. i try to walk with a straight back but most of the time i just slouch whilst walking. i would get a picture of me walking but i dont think i can get one on my computer and edit it out to cover my face. ive also had people gossiping about me in the past that i look like a witch which is really cruel especially because i cant do anything about my disability other than some physio and maybe surgery. but theres no cure for cerebral palsy so surgery doesnt help me much in the long term. ive had two major surgeries in my life to do with my cerebral palsy, once when i was 8 and once when i was 15. i have two scars on the back of my legs because of it. ive also had another surgery when i was about 6 but i cant remember what it was about. it was probably just a minor surgery. anyways back to my point. would anyone want to willingly be in any sort of romantic, let alone sexual relationship with me? i feel like if i were to go on one of those dating contests or shows id be chosen last because of the way that i look. i feel like someone would rather choose an abled bodied person than me.

eylah

the last person i ever got a hug from / felt loved by was my mum. ever since ive been alone, broken and a mess. i find it hard to feel loved by anyone and it rly sucks bc i try to love ppl i try to be myself but it’s never enough and i just push ppl away. it feels so impossible. i am sry if im not making sense rn im just having a panic attack but i rly appreciate you spending your evening supporting me bc talking to you is rly helping me rn. i am proud of you always always will be

DonnerKebab wrote: »

@eylah i get that. i really do. When it's been so long since you've been happy, it seems it will never come, and being unable to change it, it feels suffocating. But can i just say, that you have helped so many people on here so much, and you are doing an amazing job at it on here. You are actually the first person in my life to tell me that you are proud of me. You are doing an amazing job eylah, i want you to know that. And wanting to be happy loved and cared about by someone in your life, it really does help and is a basic human need, and it's heartbreaking you've not had that for such a long time.
I hold on myself because I desperately hope things will get better in the future. I know it's not much consilation now, but things can improve. And for what it's worth, we're here for you, to talk whenever you want to, and to remind you about how great of a person you are. There's always hope things get better, it's just hard to see at times.

eylah

toffuna101 wrote: »

potential TW
so basically i posted a thread today about relationships/family and ive been thinking. who would honestly want to be in a relationship with me? its not that im ugly dont get me wrong. its just that i have cerebral palsy and its clearly visible if you looked at me. i use a kaye walker to walk around (if you dont know what that is i recommend you search it up) and my hips make me walk from side to side. i dont sway necessarily and it doesnt hurt when i walk but its noticeable. my posture is also not straight. i try to walk with a straight back but most of the time i just slouch whilst walking. i would get a picture of me walking but i dont think i can get one on my computer and edit it out to cover my face. ive also had people gossiping about me in the past that i look like a witch which is really cruel especially because i cant do anything about my disability other than some physio and maybe surgery. but theres no cure for cerebral palsy so surgery doesnt help me much in the long term. ive had two major surgeries in my life to do with my cerebral palsy, once when i was 8 and once when i was 15. i have two scars on the back of my legs because of it. ive also had another surgery when i was about 6 but i cant remember what it was about. it was probably just a minor surgery. anyways back to my point. would anyone want to willingly be in any sort of romantic, let alone sexual relationship with me? i feel like if i were to go on one of those dating contests or shows id be chosen last because of the way that i look. i feel like someone would rather choose an abled bodied person than me.

i know it might seem like rn that noone would want to be in a relationship with you but there is a person out there for you. they always say ‘ there’s plenty of fish in the sea’ youre your own unique person and if someone can’t see how amazing you are then that’s on them! but youre an amazing person and i honestly believe that there is someone out there for you. i know im not making sense but i just wanted to reply to you bc you deserve to be heard and listened to.

toffuna101

eylah wrote: »

toffuna101 wrote: »

potential TW
so basically i posted a thread today about relationships/family and ive been thinking. who would honestly want to be in a relationship with me? its not that im ugly dont get me wrong. its just that i have cerebral palsy and its clearly visible if you looked at me. i use a kaye walker to walk around (if you dont know what that is i recommend you search it up) and my hips make me walk from side to side. i dont sway necessarily and it doesnt hurt when i walk but its noticeable. my posture is also not straight. i try to walk with a straight back but most of the time i just slouch whilst walking. i would get a picture of me walking but i dont think i can get one on my computer and edit it out to cover my face. ive also had people gossiping about me in the past that i look like a witch which is really cruel especially because i cant do anything about my disability other than some physio and maybe surgery. but theres no cure for cerebral palsy so surgery doesnt help me much in the long term. ive had two major surgeries in my life to do with my cerebral palsy, once when i was 8 and once when i was 15. i have two scars on the back of my legs because of it. ive also had another surgery when i was about 6 but i cant remember what it was about. it was probably just a minor surgery. anyways back to my point. would anyone want to willingly be in any sort of romantic, let alone sexual relationship with me? i feel like if i were to go on one of those dating contests or shows id be chosen last because of the way that i look. i feel like someone would rather choose an abled bodied person than me.

i know it might seem like rn that noone would want to be in a relationship with you but there is a person out there for you. they always say ‘ there’s plenty of fish in the sea’ youre your own unique person and if someone can’t see how amazing you are then that’s on them! but youre an amazing person and i honestly believe that there is someone out there for you. i know im not making sense but i just wanted to reply to you bc you deserve to be heard and listened to.

thank you @eylah

eylah

i wish i could sleep early bc everything is so hard but i hope i can sleep tonight.

Rose113

Hi, this thread is perfect aha

DonnerKebab

@eylah sorry, i had to step away for a short while to the shop. I'm here all evening, and as long as you need me to be. It's brutal showing such love to the world, and not getting any back. I may have mentioned with my younger brother my care role with him since i was 11. But he is so severe he has no mental comprehension of what words even mean. The concept of family, or anything like that he can't understand. He has the mind of a 6 month old at 18. So he doesn't know i'm his brother, or love anybody because he can't comprehend what these things are. It's painful showing such love and never getting any back. I know. And to lose the only person who did show you the love you deserved must be agonising.

The fact is, just because the rest of the world has failed you, it doesn't mean that you deserved to be failed. Just because the rest o the world never showed you love, it doesn't mean you don't deserve it. You deserve to be loved for who you are, because who you are is lovely. Honestly. You are making perfect sense eylah. And you really don't know how impactful you saying your proud of me is. Even in the midst of a panic attack, you are still being so kind to others.

Now, about the panic attack, are you feeling okay right now? Breathing good and everything? Sorry i took a while, i didn't see this message till i got back.

DonnerKebab

eylah wrote: »

i wish i could sleep early bc everything is so hard but i hope i can sleep tonight.

@eylah i hope so too. You deserve a good rest and a good night my friend

eylah

@DonnerKebab bless you and your brother sending you both so many hugs 🫂 you’re such an insightful person rly you are you’re so so kind. hugs 🫂

just got rly bad chest pain rn bc i always get it when i have a panic attack. idk why i can’t calm down rn but i just think i rly have ovehwlmed myself. i feel scared abt getting close to ppl and them saying they love me scares me yk?

your words are so important to me and they rly are melting my heart thankyou.

i care abt you all here at the mix. i know what it feels like to have noone fighting your corner, having anyone who cares abt you etc. i know what it feels like and i am going to keep supporting you all

DonnerKebab

@eylah You are an absolute queen. I'm kind because you deserve somebody to be kind to you. You are a special person, who's gone through a very hard time, and your still so very kind after it all. That is what makes you an amazing person. And the rest of the world that hasn't shown you that kindness you deserve, fuck them. Sorry for the language but i think it warrants those words. Don't worry about being unable to calm down, sometimes, it's okay to just let things like that run it's course sometimes, as long as you are safe and okay, just let those emotions run there course. I'm not an expert though so don't quote me on that.

And, i think i know what your talking about about being scared of getting close to people and have them say that, but eylah, you do deserve to be told i love you, by me, everyone on the mix, and by everybody in real life cause of how kind you are. I'm speaking the honest truth here. You have all of us in your corner now, and i can say i'm the stubborn type who's not going anywhere. Sending you all the virtual hugs that can humanly be given, cause you deserve them.

eylah

aw stop it my heart! thankyou so so much aw i have a tear dropping from my eyes!

those words mean the world to me thankyou so ,much honestly its the most anyone has ever been kind to me etc.

this panic attack seems to be going on for a very long time and its rly doing my head in bc i have chest pain and im struggling to breathe.

thankyou all you mean the world to me i hope i can support you all during difficult times and that you all feel supported.

Rose113

I spoke to Kelly’s heroes and then it was this guys shift end so he added the next person to the chat wich was really sweet so it meant I didn’t have to stop chatting but then I felt like I was hogging the service

DonnerKebab

@toffuna101 Somebody who loves you for you. I know it's a small consolation, but there are genuinely nice people out there who will love you for who you are. You are a great person on here. And that is the truth. Sure, your condition and the kay walker filters out all the people who just want to be with you for sex alone, but think of that as a good thing. You know, that when you find somebody, they will be by your side for you as a person, not based on looks, and not for sexual stuff, but you as a person. Looks fade, medical challenges happen for everybody and every relationship, and you will have the benefit of having somebody who is with you from the start of a relationship with similar struggles at the start. Think of it as an early loyalty test. Automatically filtering out everyone apart from those who love you for you. When you get into a relationship with somebody, your relationship will be stronger than one which is weathering no challenges. It's a small consolation, but it's something to consider.

eylah

Rose113 wrote: »

I spoke to Kelly’s heroes and then it was this guys shift end so he added the next person to the chat wich was really sweet so it meant I didn’t have to stop chatting but then I felt like I was hogging the service

i had a guy do that on there too! i rly like kelly heroes

DonnerKebab

Not at all @Rose113 , you deserve that help. It's not hogging anything, you deserve it. I'm glad your finally getting some kindness from them and the guy was nice. Was the next person nice too?

toffuna101

DonnerKebab wrote: »

@toffuna101 Somebody who loves you for you. I know it's a small consolation, but there are genuinely nice people out there who will love you for who you are. You are a great person on here. And that is the truth. Sure, your condition and the kay walker filters out all the people who just want to be with you for sex alone, but think of that as a good thing. You know, that when you find somebody, they will be by your side for you as a person, not based on looks, and not for sexual stuff, but you as a person. Looks fade, medical challenges happen for everybody and every relationship, and you will have the benefit of having somebody who is with you from the start of a relationship with similar struggles at the start. Think of it as an early loyalty test. Automatically filtering out everyone apart from those who love you for you. When you get into a relationship with somebody, your relationship will be stronger than one which is weathering no challenges. It's a small consolation, but it's something to consider.

@DonnerKebab i havent actually thought of it like that. thank you.