TW- sh/ I don’t know what I’m doing anymore

Keira

I feel a bit uneasy writing this but I’m realty struggling just now and wanted to offload. I hope thats okay!

I’ve been struggling a lot recently with my mental health in general but it’s just getting worse. I feel like I’m being a burden to everyone if I talk about it and like I’m annoying everyone.

My mum doesn’t keep well so I look after her and am practically her carer. But she doesn’t appreciate what I do for her. It’s never enough. She always tells me what I do wrong but never takes notice to what I’m doing right. And I’ve heard her talking about me recently about how hard it is to live with me etc. I’m also trying to juggle this with college and I’m so behind in college but I really don’t want to have to drop out. Honestly I’m just so lost right now and struggling to see the point of anything.

I relapsed again with sh and I just feel so guilty for being like this. I wish I could just be normal

I feel like people think I’m just being crazy and I’m just making everything up. I don’t even feel worthy of writing this and think I’m annoying you all so I’m sorry.

shannon_164

hey @Keira 🙂

first of all, i just want to say i’m really glad you reached out. you’re absolutely not annoying anyone here, and you’re definitely not a burden. i can see how much you’ve been carrying on your own, and im really sorry things have been so overwhelming for you lately. you don’t deserve to feel this way, and you definitely don’t have to go through it alone.

it sounds like you’ve been trying so hard to manage everything, taking care of your mum, keeping up with college, and just trying to get through each day. that’s a lot, and the fact that you’re still pushing through, even while feeling this low, shows how strong you actually are, even if it doesn’t feel that way right now. i know it must be painful to not feel appreciated for everything you do, especially when you’re already struggling yourself. that doesn’t mean your efforts don’t matter, though. you’re doing more than enough, even if others don’t always acknowledge it.

i know that relapsing has probably brought up a lot of guilt, but i hope you can be kind to yourself about it. you’re not failing, and you’re not broken, you’re just going through something really difficult, and self-harm was your way of coping in that moment. that doesn’t mean you can’t find other ways to get through this. you deserve support and understanding, just like anyone else would in your situation.

i know it’s hard to see the point of things when you’re feeling this low, but i promise you that you matter. this feeling isn’t permanent, and you’re not alone in it. we’re all here, and we all care about you. you don’t have to pretend you’re okay or keep everything bottled up. you’re allowed to feel how you feel, and you deserve to be supported through it.

please don’t apologise for reaching out. we would rather you shared your feelings here (if you’re comfy with that ofc) than struggle in silence.

i’m so proud of you for sharing how you’re feeling and for managing so much! you’ve got this, we believe in you

Keira

Thank you @shannon_164 i appreciate that. It’s just so frustrating when the woman who is meant to love you the most is so negative about you.

She has her own struggles and I try my best for her but it should be my brothers 30th birthday tomorrow and it’s getting to us both so I’m trying not to take things she says too seriously but I can’t help it.

I appreciate your reply a lot. I feel like I’m just annoying everyone when I open up. I know I’ve got to keep trying to get through this but I’m just so tired of fighting but I am trying my best

shannon_164

@Keira i really understand that feeling for sure - i can relate so much to that! i know it can be really really hard when hearing, especially constantly, such negative things about yourself from those that should care most about you, but please remember that all those negatives don’t define who you are - it’s so so clear that you’re a kind, caring & amazing person from what you’ve shared - but i know it can often be easier to take the negatives rather than the positives.

i also can very much so relate to feeling like i annoy everybody, even whenever it’s someone’s job eg the doctors, i still feel like im just being annoying - you’re definitely not alone with that feeling but i promise you that sharing how you feel wont be annoying anybody here for sure, and in the wider world, shouldn’t be annoying anybody - you deserve to be heard and to be able to share your feelings!

do you have any support with how you’re feeling at all? no pressure to answer - only if you’re comfy sharing

Keira

@shannon_164 thank you. It’s just so hard to see the good in myself when all I’m hearing is the bad all the time.

I just don’t feel I deserve it and there’s other people who deserve the help more than me tbh.

I see a mental health team but they aren’t doing anything and they keep telling me they’re going to do things for me and then don’t do them so I’m just getting let down and maybe it’s just a sign to stop asking for help. It’s too tiring waiting around and begging for help when I’m not getting any

shannon_164

@Keira i hear you, and i’m really sorry you’re feeling this way. it’s completely understandable that you’re struggling to see the good in yourself when all you seem to hear is the bad, but i promise you, the negative voices, whether they’re from others or from your own thoughts, are not the full picture of who you are. you do deserve kindness, support, and help, even if it’s hard to believe right now.

i get why you feel like giving up on asking for help. when you keep being let down, it just reinforces the feeling that you’re not worth the effort, but that’s not true. you shouldn’t have to beg for help, and i hate that the mh team isn’t following through on what they’ve said. that’s not a reflection of you or what you deserve, it’s a failure on their part. you’re not asking for too much, and you’re not less deserving than anyone else.

i know you’re exhausted, and i don’t blame you for feeling this way, but i don’t think it’s a sign to stop asking for help, i think it’s proof that the system needs to do better for you, and i really hope you don’t let their failings convince you that you’re not worth the support, because you are.

i’m here, always. you don’t have to go through this alone - you’ve got this

Keira

@shannon_164 thank you. It means a lot. It’s nice to hear someone thinks I actually am worth something. I appreciate it so much