Caregiver to a little (age regression) (TW)

Rose113

So I have a friend who age regresses and she has a tricky background and when she is little she will often call me “mummy” I’m okay with her calling me that because I know she trusts me and I’m her safe person but sometimes I feel like it goes to far a bit.

She often tells me that she needs “smack smacks” which is a big trigger for me but I try to shove it away for her but I often find I got to say “no darling we don’t deserve that to happen” and then she gets upset very upset and will hurt herself or swear at me or yell just so she can give me a reason to punish her 🙁

It’s reached a point where she will hurt herself straight away if I don’t “punish” her for being “bad” so now I’ve had to resort into telling her to sit by the wall when she’s “bad” she is only ever happy to be there for minimum 10 mins but when she is in that age regressive state I am aware that she has no sense of time skills so I usually just say time is up after a few minutes.

When she was in hospital her nurse would often contact me whenever she would ask for punishments especially after I reported her previous nurse. Yeah my friend is in a different country but if anyone harms her like a nurse did I will report straight away which is what I did so that nurse got fired and she got a new nurse who was so much nicer but she would often ask to speak to me about my friend she never revealed anything that she shouldn’t like patient confidential stuff and I always made sure she didn’t tell me that stuff she would just ask how to support her age regression.

I guess this is the problem at hand

As much as I do act as her caregiver cos I’m her safe person it is so so so draining dealing with a little, no one understands the fear that comes with it, she has been regressed for 2 months straight and I just can’t do anything more for her.

Faolan

This should tricky and it’s not surprising that you’re feeling drained.

I say it in the nicest way possible but I think what your friend needs at this point is help and support from a professional. Someone who’s trained and better equipped at helping them ground themselves and slip out of the age regressed state.

It sounds like you’re a good friend. Setting boundaries here would help you both, it would help your friend seek professional support and help you to take a break.

I really don’t think the nurses should be contacting you at all. You’d be well within your right to ask them to stop contacting you if you wanted to.

Azziman

Hey @Rose113, thank you for sharing this with us. This is a difficult situation. On the one hand, you're looking out for your friend who trusts you, and you want to make sure she's okay. On the other hand, it sounds like your role is more of a caregiver than a friend.

@Faolan makes a good point in that boundaries are important here. A caring friend is quite different to a caregiver in the level of responsibility and position of trust that you find yourself in. If nurses keep contacting you, it might suggest that they're under the impression that you're a caregiver, not a friend. Being asked to punish someone is definitely not in the realm of a caring friend either.

I can understand that it might be difficult to step back - she's your friend, you care a lot about her, and she clearly counts on your support. But it's also important to look after yourself here too - constantly draining yourself of energy doing a role that you haven't officially taken on sounds like it's taking a toll on you here, and it's not fair on you.

You can still be a caring friend that looks out for her, and I'm sure she'd still really appreciate that. It may be worth considering getting professional support for both of you. For her, someone who's properly trained to be a caregiver and take care of nurse calls etc, and someone who can help her to move forward from this regressive state.

For you, it may be helpful to talk to someone about how you feel about the experience, and how you go about changing your role back to being a caring friend - it's important that you get support too, because you deserve to be listened to and undestood after this experience.

You've done a really kind and noble thing by looking to help your friend out during this time. Please keep being a caring and kind person, while also looking after yourself. We're here to listen to you and support you through this

Rose113

Glad it’s not just me that has noticed it needs to change as I thought I was overreacting 😕

Thank you @Faolan and @Azziman

Sian321

Hey @Rose113 , thank you for your message. I just wanted to share that I agree here with @Faolan and @Azziman . It does sound like you care for your friend a huge amount which is so lovely, however, boundaries here might be important too - particularly when it comes to your friend getting the support and professional care they may need, and you being mindful of your own energy and personal boundaries within the friendship too.

What I'm hearing is that at points your friend's requests to be punished can also feel really triggering for you, and it feels like there's something about taking care of yourself within this too You're allowed to have boundaries and for the friendship to be something that feel mutually safe and comfortable.

In an ideal world, what do you think you'd like to do next in this situation? If success was guaranteed, what would your next step be?

We're all here for you

Rose113

@Sian321 i have tried to get her professional help and I’ve even spoken to a professional who she sees but they don’t do anything. I’m happy to help her at times but she is so so demanding it’s like all the time my attention is on her. She doesn’t have parents and lives at a youth shelter so she doesn’t have anyone and the staff she is with are really nice but she relies on me too much and it’s just hard and brings so much of the past up for me and I’ll admit it’s causing me to neglect myself a lot but I can’t set boundaries when she is always little

Next in the situation I’m not sure maybe for the load to be shared like I’m glad she trusts me enough to rely on me but I also also hate it because it’s so hard to keep up 🙁

Katie

Hey @Rose113 just hopping in to say I agree with what's being said here. Boundaries sound like a really important next step. The care you have for others really is so genuine and kind, but I hear you've been neglecting yourself a lot lately. It's so important your needs are being met too, and that you have the time and energy to meet them. You've already taken the first step in identifying that something needs to change here - that's really powerful

Rose113 wrote: »

Next in the situation I’m not sure maybe for the load to be shared like I’m glad she trusts me enough to rely on me but I also also hate it because it’s so hard to keep up 🙁

I hear that you'd ideally like the load to be shared. Is there anyone you could speak to about this who could support you to do this? I hear the staff at the youth shelter are really nice and you have been trying to get her professional help. Do you feel comfortable sharing what steps you've taken already to reach out to others?

You also mentioned that she's in a different country - is that right? I'm wondering how the logistics and the distance between you and your friend is affecting you Rose? It can feel quite draining to be supporting someone when we feel unsupported ourselves, and I can imagine that being in different countries can have an even bigger impact.

You're doing so well opening up to us and identifying something needs to change here to look after your own wellbeing

Rose113

Hey @Katie

Thank you

She’s in Australia and currently back in hospital and I was up till 2 am trying to deal with her like I don’t want to sound mean but I was just being pestered a lot by her last night

I’ve spoken to her nurse multiple times yet the nurse just comes to me all the time and it’s like aren’t you meant to be the professional here.

I’ve spoken to the youth shelter that she’s at and the lady that u spoke to has been looking out for her a lot but I don’t know I’m not a professional by any means on age regression but she really does need help but it’s so out of my control with her being in Australia.

Katie

Ahh that is quite a big distance isn't it @Rose113 - the time difference sounds like it could have a really big impact on being able to support her. I don't think you sound mean at all either. Night-time here is morning in Australia right? You need to be able to rest and care for yourself, and if that means putting yourself first and prioritising your sleep, I hope you're able to feel empowered to do that

Rose113 wrote: »

I’ve spoken to her nurse multiple times yet the nurse just comes to me all the time and it’s like aren’t you meant to be the professional here.

It's really kind and caring of you that you've spoken to her nurse for her, but this doesn't really sound fair for you. You're right that the nurse is the professional here, and it does sound like she's overstepping boundaries by coming to you. Have you been able to speak to her about whether you feel comfortable with her coming to you for answers?

Rose113 wrote: »

I’ve spoken to the youth shelter that she’s at and the lady that u spoke to has been looking out for her a lot but I don’t know I’m not a professional by any means on age regression but she really does need help but it’s so out of my control with her being in Australia.

I also hear you've spoken to her youth shelter and there is a lady that is looking out for her. That's reassuring to hear Rose that she has somebody close by, because that physical distance between you sounds pretty tricky to navigate. There's only going to be so much you can do as you're on other sides of the world, and you've already done so much vouching for her.

I can hear that your heart is in the right place and you have a lot of care for her - but do look after yourself too Rose. You're important and your wellbeing matters

Rose113

Thank you @Katie i feel so bad for doing this but I’ve just been ignoring her messages and calls I just can’t cope with helping her rn