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I find it hard going about my day.
AlmostEternity
Posts: 10 Settling in
Greetings, and welcome to another ramble session:
I feel like I'm the one person, even among my very large and strange friend group, that no one wants to talk to. There's even a teacher who has made it clear they dislike me(or at least make me feel that way). I know it's somewhat my fault, but I can't push myself to act like I'm happy anymore when I'm not. My mask finally broke. Go figure.
I dread going home, because when my parents do talk to me, it's mostly to insult me(I refer to this as getting their one daily insult in. Yesterday it was calling me a piece of trash. Today it'll probably be 'gay' although I have a girlfriend. It's like I can't please them at all.) or tell me to do something. I only speak when I have to. At one point it didn't bother me as much. Or maybe I got so good at pretending it didn't I convinced myself. But now each one is like it hits me directly.
At one point I thought things were going to get better at home, but it was a false hope. I was actually talking to my mom about how I was feeling, but then it fell apart after Christmas break and things are right back to being how they were before.
Another thing that has been getting me down is having to hear about politics(in the U.S.). My friend group is pretty split among the party line. It's not because I believe the situation is bad or whatever, it's just hearing the arguments in general.
I feel hopeless looking toward the future. I'd say my parents are looking forward to my graduation in less than two years as much as I do, because that's when I move out. But I have no idea what I'm going to do once I move out. I mean, yeah, go to College, woo hoo. But after that, I don't know. My friends suggest ideas of what we could do after graduation, but then go on to tell me, "Oh, it's not definite." I'm a planner, and it annoys me to death to hear that.
My parents have tried to convince me to go to the military, but mentally, even if I could physically(and I am far from the strongest person to walk in a room), I couldn't make it. They can say all they want that is just me holding myself back, but it's more than that, at least to me. I also just don't want to go to the military, period. My parents have pretty much told me and guided me towards a path that would lead to College, and I have no intention of veering now.
I have all these hopes and dreams, and it hurts to think that they won't become a reality, just because others don't think they're possible.
I've been putting off going to the school counselor for a while, but I guess I'll see her today during lunch and see how it goes.
I feel like I'm the one person, even among my very large and strange friend group, that no one wants to talk to. There's even a teacher who has made it clear they dislike me(or at least make me feel that way). I know it's somewhat my fault, but I can't push myself to act like I'm happy anymore when I'm not. My mask finally broke. Go figure.
I dread going home, because when my parents do talk to me, it's mostly to insult me(I refer to this as getting their one daily insult in. Yesterday it was calling me a piece of trash. Today it'll probably be 'gay' although I have a girlfriend. It's like I can't please them at all.) or tell me to do something. I only speak when I have to. At one point it didn't bother me as much. Or maybe I got so good at pretending it didn't I convinced myself. But now each one is like it hits me directly.
At one point I thought things were going to get better at home, but it was a false hope. I was actually talking to my mom about how I was feeling, but then it fell apart after Christmas break and things are right back to being how they were before.
Another thing that has been getting me down is having to hear about politics(in the U.S.). My friend group is pretty split among the party line. It's not because I believe the situation is bad or whatever, it's just hearing the arguments in general.
I feel hopeless looking toward the future. I'd say my parents are looking forward to my graduation in less than two years as much as I do, because that's when I move out. But I have no idea what I'm going to do once I move out. I mean, yeah, go to College, woo hoo. But after that, I don't know. My friends suggest ideas of what we could do after graduation, but then go on to tell me, "Oh, it's not definite." I'm a planner, and it annoys me to death to hear that.
My parents have tried to convince me to go to the military, but mentally, even if I could physically(and I am far from the strongest person to walk in a room), I couldn't make it. They can say all they want that is just me holding myself back, but it's more than that, at least to me. I also just don't want to go to the military, period. My parents have pretty much told me and guided me towards a path that would lead to College, and I have no intention of veering now.
I have all these hopes and dreams, and it hurts to think that they won't become a reality, just because others don't think they're possible.
I've been putting off going to the school counselor for a while, but I guess I'll see her today during lunch and see how it goes.
"So put your best face on everybody, pretend you know this song everybody, come hang!"
Post edited by Claire28 on
3
Comments
I can hear that thinking about the unknown future is difficult. Not knowing what comes after college/university can be a scary thought, and that's partly because it's the first time in our lives that the path isn't clear-cut like when we're at school etc. We get the blessing of choice in what we want to do, but we can also feel overwhelmed and paralysed by the breadth of choice we have at our disposal. What ideas have you or your friends mentioned that are of most interest? I can understand that the military isn't one, and it's important to make these choices based on what you'd like to do, not because someone else wants you to.
You have plenty of time and choices available to make, and they're your choices to make. What are some of these hopes and dreams that you strive for? What matters more is whether you believe you can make them a reality, rather than what others think is possible.
How did your session with the counsellor go? I hope it was helpful to discuss with her. We're here to support you and listen to you
Some of the plans, well, definitely wishful thinking. One of my friends has a big house in his family that he used to live in when he was younger but moved out. He wants to take that house and make rooms available for those in our friend group who are having problems after High School. Another plan was to build a 'village'. Another friend(who at this point has graduated) is set to inherit a large piece of property that is several acres in size. We figured if we all worked towards saving up money, then we could make it happen. We've also discussed where we are all going after high school and plans to meet up if we don't stay together. The friend who has the house in his family plans to stay where we're at. I want to get out of state(we're in the U.S., not the UK. Couldn't find any US based forums. Hope no one minds), Japan being the big dream. Two of the girls plan to go to Germany.
We're all into ghosts and the paranormal, generally spooky stuff, so we thought we'd go on a big ghost hunting expedition at some point, but one of the girls going to Germany is a different type of planner than I am and would rather everything else be planned out first, while I'd rather do it while we are all still together and know there won't be anything else keeping us from doing it. I'm thinking, if we're going to do it, we could go on such a thing on my 19th or 20th birthday.
Talking to the counselor fell flat, in a way. At home, my Mom won't talk to me(and she was the one supporting me to go to the counselor originally. Probably has something to do with the fact the counselor placed me on a plan to meet her weekly for therapy sessions. It hurts a bit that we aren't speaking like we used to), unless she has to. On the other hand, I feel I've reached an understanding with my Dad, who was the one mainly insulting me. At the very least, I think most of it stemmed from how I felt I couldn't talk with him. I also feel the counselor is trying to poke at things that aren't there, although that is her job.