(TW suicidal thoughts) not being able to find love makes me want to die

bignosegirly0

Disclaimer: I’m safe. I’m heading to work this morning, so I don’t know whether I’ll be okay later on today. But I’ve found a lot of helpful resources that has helped me cope.

HealthyGamerGG offers a lot of good advice on YouTube, if anyone is also interested in helping themselves. I plan to look further into his content to help me help myself.

With that being said, I woke up today feeling extremely low. Knowing I have to go to work today, makes me worry about men who are gonna target me for being unattractive. It’s happened many times, from coworkers, to customers.

Having a lot of experience has convinced me that I’m never gonna find love. The only time I’ve got slightly lucky was with some random woman online, who lived in Africa.

I don’t live in an area with many queer women, so I can’t turn to them for relationships. But the only option I’m stuck with don’t want me back. And they will treat me like a sub human for not looking attractive.

I’ve learned from HealthyGamerGG that a lot people who bullies those who are weaker, are taking their frustration out, from being mistreated themselves. Whether it’s from their parents or other peers.

So I guess by that logic, it’s better to spot and avoid a toxic individual, than to be around one. But I feel so goddamn lonely.

Hopefully, when I get older, I’ll be content with my loneliness (in regards to romantic relationships).

But in the meantime, I just want to die. I’m desperate to experience love. And I know I won’t.

I’ll try my best to cope for today.

Azziman

Hey @bignosegirly0, thank you for sharing how you feel. I can hear how you're feeling upset and frustrated with your experiences with finding love. It's something that clearly matters a lot to you, so your feelings are valid. I'm sorry to hear that you feel you're treated unfairly due to your looks, that's not right at all and you don't deserve to go through that.

It's a tricky situation - being with someone who we know is toxic isn't good, but feeling lonely is also a painful experience as well. You're doing your best, but I can understand how the experiences you've had feel disheartening.

We're here to listen to you and support you, because your feelings are valid. Do feel free to let us know how you're doing and share your emotions with us here. Can I check that you're safe at the moment? I'll include some support links below in case you find you need them:

Crisis Messenger (24/7) | text THEMIX to 85258
Samaritans (24/7) | call 116 123 | email jo@samaritans.org
Papyrus (2pm-midnight) | call 0800 068 41 41 | text 07786 209 697 | email pat@payrus-uk.org
Supportline (hours vary) | call 01708 765 200
Childline | call 0800 11 11

Sian321

Hey @bignosegirly0 , thank you for your post and for being so honest with us here

I know you mentioned feeling like you want to die yesterday, and you were trying your very best to cope and keep safe through this loneliness, which gets all-consuming sometimes. Can I check in to ask how safe you're feeling today?

How did your work-shift go yesterday in the end?

We're here for you!

bignosegirly0

@Sian321 hello, I’ve been feeling better thank you. Thankfully, nothing bad has happened at work for a while. While I do have moments of feeling bitter and upset about not finding love, it does pass.

As dumb as it sounds, I also started a new hobby which sometimes make me glad I’m alive. I’ve been learning the piano recently, and having that as a hobby makes me glad I haven’t succeeded in killing myself.

Laura_tigger82

Nothing that ever helps sounds dumb @bignosegirly0! We are really glad to hear your hobby makes you sometimes glad to be alive.

Can we ask you what your hobby is if you feel comfortable sharing more about your hobby and what brings you joy? Is it the piano or something else - if piano, what do you like playing the most?

We are also really glad that you are here with us

bignosegirly0

@Laura_tigger82 the hobby I'm on about is learning the piano. I apologise for my poor wording. I also partake in making digital art expressing my negative emotions. It's quite therapeutic. But eventually, it does get boring after a while. Naturally, I'm a creative individual and I like creating art. I also like to get back into creative writing.