Feeling invalidated by a friend

Creativeboy23

Hello.

I expressed to my friend that I felt invalidated when she told me to chin up after sharing a struggle with her and my friends in the group chat even though it was well intentioned. She apologised for how the comment made me feel and assured me that she did not intend to make me feel invalidated. She also confirmed that she was looking out for me as a friend. She repeatedly said she does validate me and that my other friends do too, which felt patronising and dismissive of my concerns. I was left feeling singled out and isolated and more invalidated.

She explained that her remark meant to remain optimistic. However, it is not always realistic. It can be harmful to suggest that someone should always be upbeat since it can pressure someone to suppress their feelings and just move on. After, she brought up her struggle which overshadowed how I felt, even though she is going through a hard time and probably wanted to reassure me that there are others with struggles too. Although she apologised for her comment, I felt as though she suggested I was not supposed to feel how I did. It was because she did not try to understand why it felt hurtful, instead justifying it as supportive. I know though it is okay and valid for me to feel invalidated regardless of her intentions but it is hard to believe it.

She focused more on her struggle and intentions than my feelings, therefore it was contradictory of her to tell me that I should not feel that I cannot talk to them. She spoke to me as though she had done nothing wrong, which made me feel like I was at fault when my emotional reaction was valid. As a result, I do not feel comfortable expressing my emotions to her and hurt that she did not take much accountability. I do not think she realised the impact of her comment.

The situation brought up a memory where a helpline worker told me that she does not invalidate anyone when I expressed that I felt invalidated during my call with her. The past experience worsened my feelings of invalidation and made me more sensitive to being dismissed. I have felt that others try to tell me that my interpretation is incorrect making me feel unheard and lonely.

ella

Hey @Creativeboy23. It sounds like you're feeling really hurt and isolated after your friend's response to the things going on in your life.

It's completely understandable that you might feel invalidated when your emotions aren't acknowledged or respected, even if their intentions were good. Their "chin up" comment, while potentially well-intentioned, sounds like it minimised your struggle and dismissed your emotional response. This, paired with focus on their own challenges, left you feeling unheard and misunderstood. Would this be a correct understanding of the situation?

I would like to remind you that your feelings are valid, and you deserve to be heard and understood. by the people in your life.

How would it feel if you communicated your feelings to your friend in a way that prioritises your needs? You could say something like: "I understand you were trying to be supportive, but your 'chin up' comment made me feel invalidated. I felt like my feelings weren't being taken seriously. Could you try to understand why that comment was hurtful to me?"

Let me know how this feels. Take good care of yourself today

Creativeboy23

Hello @ella.

Almost. Only one of my friends made the “chin up” comment and focussed on her own challenge and intentions. Then, she brought up my other friends, saying they validate my feelings too.

She should not have shifted the focus off my feelings.

I will try. I hope it goes well.

Thank you for your help.

Creativeboy23

@ella. I tried expressing how I felt when she focussed mostly on her intention after sharing yesterday how I felt invalidated by the comment. She sent a voice message saying that that the comment was not meant to be nasty and that she was looking out for me as a friend and then deleted the message. I responded telling her that I clearly highlighted in my reply that I understand she tried to be a supportive friend when she made the remark. So, I know that it was not nasty. I did everything I could but I felt unheard and frustrated because my attempt to understand her perspective was not being acknowledged. I feel like she is prioritising her own feelings.

I have done well to try expressing my feelings to her because it can be difficult when you have felt invalidated but I did it. However, I feel upset and again frustrated that she still focussed on the intention behind the statement without trying to understand why the comment felt hurtful. It makes me feel patronised. I think she does not understand what I am saying.

Laura_tigger82

Your feelings are valid and deserve to be heard @Creativeboy23, even if they may not have been the intended way. I can hear how this made you feel frustrated and hurt and not acknowledged, with your friend prioritising her own feelings instead of how you were feeling.

How are you this evening? We are here with you if you would like to talk more about how things have been since this conversation with your friend. Would anything help right now? We are listening and value what you say and feel

Creativeboy23

Hello @Laura_tigger82.

I am feeling really hurt and lonely this evening.

My other friend said that I may be seeing things the wrong way all the time because of having Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria and that I cannot expect people to validate my perspective when it is completely wrong. Then, he said she was being kind to me the other day and told me to chin up because it is healthy to focus on the positives. She knew I was feeling bad and wanted me to be happy so told me to put my chin up and be positive. He said I was the one in the wrong for taking it as an insult, misread the situation, and took it the wrong way, and that I should not be telling her to see it my way when I was wrong. We all like you and want to be your friend but it feels like we are walking on egg shells around you when you keep getting offended by everything and we feel like we cannot ever say anything to you without you getting upset and if we say nothing then you get upset as well like we cannot win.

I know she was being kind to me. I said to her that I understood that she said the comment to be a supportive friend but it did not feel helpful and made me feel invalidated. I never said it was an insult. Just because a comment is meant to be positive does not mean that everyone will find it helpful. I am allowed to feel invalidated. My perspective is not wrong. You cannot just put your chin up and be positive in a difficult situation. The statement can put pressure on someone to suppress their feelings and be positive all the time which is unrealistic.

He responded he was considering my feelings because he was telling me I might have Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria so that I can understand why I keep getting so upset all the time it was wrong of me to send her all those messages telling her to see it your way when you had got the wrong end of the stick

It truly hurts me to be told that I have Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria, that my perspective is wrong, and that only her feelings were being considered. I felt I was being criticised for my sensitivity which validated past comments my dad and brother made about my sensitivity. They made me out to be the person in the wrong. The eggshells comment put pressure on me to not be offended by future comments and made me feel very isolated and judged. I feel I am not entitled to voice how something makes me feel. He only heard her side of the story.

Creativeboy23

@Laura_tigger82 He said she was being nice to me and was validating my feelings which is why she said chin up and focusing on the positive is as a good thing and helps but to address sadness too but focusing on happy things is good and that is what she was saying and I'm not being funny but I really am making mountains out of mole hills. I think I need to remove you from the group respectfully because I have made people feel uncomfortable because she hasn't done anything wrong to you and neither did sam that time with the cinema so you can come back in the group if you promise to stop being like this with people.

He painted me as the person in the wrong when all I was doing was expressing my feelings but they were not being acknowledged. I was left feeling abandoned and neglected. He only heard her side of the story which is unfair.

Azziman

Hey @Creativeboy23, I'm sorry to hear about your experience here. I can hear how you felt that your friend's comment wasn't helpful in your situation, and that they focused more on their own situation - perhaps with good intentions, but it wasn't helpful for you and you felt invalidated. After all, you were talking about your situation, and it's important that you get space to talk about your experience and feelings.

Then, when you tried to explain why it wasn't helpful, the response you received left you feeling frustrated and misunderstood. I can hear how it might not have been easy to have that conversation, and well done for having the courage to talk about it, but I can understand that the reply you got didn't help to resolve things.

I'm sorry to hear about how the interaction with your other friend went. Trying to diagnose someone else isn't okay, and I can understand that that comment hurt you a lot. Being criticised in that way sounds like it was harsh, and brought up other feelings from that other friend. It sounds like this other friend is also feeling frustrated, though that doesn't mean it's okay to diagnose someone in this way - that's better left to the professionals. I'm sorry that you felt hurt after being criticised for sensitivity - it's not an inherently bad thing to have, and I can hear that that comment hurt a lot.

I can hear how being removed from the group after this experience makes you feel abandoned and neglected. You have your perspective and emotions, and it sounds like you felt these haven't been listened to or understood. You do deserve to be heard and listened to, it's only fair. From what started as an interaction about one comment, it does sound like things have escalated very quickly from then.

I appreciate it's been a few days since your last reply on here, but I wanted to check in on how you're feeling since this happened? We're here to listen to you and support you through this, and please do let us know how you're getting on

Creativeboy23

Hello @Azziman.

Yes. That is what happened. Well said.

I did feel that my perspective and emotions were ignored because the focus was on how she felt and the intention behind her comment.

Since the situation, I have been feeling very hurt, betrayed, and lonely. I have had to speak to many mental health services about my feelings as it has really been impacting me this week. I have been thinking they likely have not come to realise that they have not treated me right, and they are probably talking about me behind my back. I have been imagining bumping into my friend, and then she continues to defend her comment.