Depressive thoughts. Trigger warning for topics mentioned I.e death.

Riley_2001

Please note, I am safe and doing well with zero plans to do anything harmful or any intention. ☺️ This is some writing I did not long ago. I wish to share it so everyone knows that you’re not alone in such struggle and thoughts, even if it’s extreme like this may seem....

How long will it take for this to end. Why was I born with my feet chained, grounded by my thoughts, despair and depression, yearning with all that I have to have a chance to escape, to fly out there into a better place.. Instead, I rot, I become less human day by day; slowly turning into a mouldy hollowed corpse, the one of which I feel like. l've grown so accustomed to it that when someone looks at me I believe they are making fun of me, or simply looking at something behind me. Why would they look at me - there’s nothing to see but failure. Happiness… love… friendships…relationships - what a strange concept to me now, a burst of happiness is the best I get. Living feels like nothing but killing time until my guaranteed demise… while writing this bound by the sheets of my soon-to-become coffin, I realise that life gets harder each day, being trapped inside a mental cage ignited by despair and depression. Will I ever be happy? Will I find peace of mind? I don’t know, I don’t want to know. I go out into the sunlight and feel its warmth, whilst the gaping desolate hole in my chest doesn’t shine like the rest, the sun illuminating my loneliness, making it all the more desolate. I’m losing my strength. I have no drive to do anything, I am constantly tired and losing a battle within my own mind. The constant reminders that I am failing, of my failures, I am nothing, rotten, forgettable, like a flower during winter, the stem of my heart dying, but I look fine, as if nothing is ever left broken. Il’l finally be okay when I feel the pressure of dirt on my chest and the worms eating my body, the relief I will feel from knowing that it’s all over.

So I ask again, how long will it take for me to end this living hell...

Orchid059

Hi @Riley_2001 I am glad to hear that you are safe currently. I can hear in your writing how intense these feelings were for you and how conflicting your thoughts were. It can be a lot to process at once and often these feelings can be overwhelming in the moment. When you do get thoughts like these how do you often manage them? Writing them down like you have here can be a good way to come to terms with how we are feeling. Your writing is beautifully written and powerful and you have a true talent.

I am going to attach some useful signposting below if you ever do need it

Here at the Mix we take your thoughts of suicide seriously. We hear you and your feelings are important. We just wanted to let you know that if you did feel at any point that you were going to act on your thoughts of suicide, then we would urge you to call the emergency services on 999, or go to your local A&E department to explain your intentions to them, so that they can support you.

Further crisis support services include.....

Samaritans are there for you 24/7. They offer a listening service and emotional support to anyone about any issue, with a special focus on suicidal feelings. You can call the helpline for free on 116 123 or email at jo@samaritans.org. You can also write them a letter and you can find details on their website. Some of their branches offer face to face services and you can find your local branch on their website. For more information you can go to www.samaritans.org.

Papyrus is a confidential support and advice service for children and young people under the age of 35 who are experiencing thoughts of suicide, or anyone concerned that a young person could be thinking about suicide. The helpline number is 0800 068 4141. You can also text them on 077862 09697, email pat@papyrus-uk.org or go to www.papyrus-uk.org The helpline is open 24 hours a day 7 days a week, including Bank Holidays.

The Mix's Crisis Messenger text service provides free, 24/7 crisis support across the UK. If you’re aged 25 or under, and are experiencing a personal crisis, are unable to cope and need support, you can text THEMIX to 85258. Their trained volunteer will introduce themselves, reflect on what you’ve said, and invite you to share at your own pace. You’ll text back and forth, only sharing what you feel comfortable with. They can deal issues such as Suicidal thoughts, abuse or assault, self-harm, bullying, relationship breakdown. You can find out more about it at https://www.themix.org.uk/get-support/speak-to-our-team/crisis-messenger

Further self-help resources....

There's a free mobile app called distrACT, it's available on the App Store (Apple) and Google Play (Android). The app gives you easy, quick, and discreet access to information and advice about self-harm and suicidal thoughts. The content has been created by doctors and experts in self-harming and suicide prevention. You can find out more here https://www.expertselfcare.com/distract/

There is a free mobile app called Calm Harm. You can get it on the App Store (Apple) or Google Play (Andorid). The app is designed to prevent people from urges to self-harm using these activities: Comfort, Distract, Express Yourself, Release, Random and Breathe. You can find out more about it on https://calmharm.co.uk/

Riley_2001

@Orchid059 Thank you for the useful information and kind words. It can indeed be a lot to process but I manage it quite well, I’m quite a strong person. ☺️I hope you have a lovely rest of your day.

Laura_tigger82

You have shown so much strength @Riley_2001 - keep putting one foot in front of the other! Would you feel comfortable sharing the sorts of things which help you manage it quite well?

Riley_2001

@Laura_tigger82 I’m always happy to share that. What helps me manage with such uncertain, anxious, cruel thoughts, is knowing that the majority of them aren’t based on fact. I may say to myself “I’ll be alone forever” ultimately, there is no evidence to suggest that is the case. The mind will try and search for green in a room of blue to support these thoughts and give them factuality or certainty. It’s just being able to remember that a bad situation or a bad night, or even many bad days/nights doesn’t equal a bad life permanently - not making decisions based upon temporary emotions and thoughts.

Journaling also helped me, keeping track of my thoughts patterns. I’d also write positive words and write down my good qualities as a person, instead of just seeing the bad ones that make me feel unloveable.

I hope this may give anyone some ideas or some insight to what helps me when my mind is being rather cruel. ☺️