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Just want the pain to stop (Trigger Warning, mentions of suicide)
TheNightmare
Posts: 2,750 Boards Guru
As you know I’ve been feeling really disappointed lately because it’s taking so long to find work. I’m trying my best, but I still feel stuck at home. The time keeps passing, and I’m not getting anywhere, and it’s starting to bring in darker thoughts. I get hope, but it often doesn’t work out, and I’m just fed up. I want something to work, but the "light at the end of the tunnel" seems further away each day. Time is just passing by, but I don’t feel like I’m making progress, and it’s frustrating.I’m stuck at home with nothing to do because most of the things I enjoy require money, which I don’t have right now. It’s really getting to me. I’ve been in the same place for so long no routine, no money and I’ve had enough of it. I’ve been applying for voluntary roles as a stepping stone to gain some experience, but even after going to see one, they weren’t looking for anyone. It’s not something I originally wanted to do, but I’m trying to make it work, yet I haven’t heard back from anything yet. I was hoping the new year would bring some change, but the way this year has been going, it’s starting to feel less likely.
I really don’t know what to do if things don’t improve soon. If it gets to this time next year, I’ll feel like it’s pretty much done. It’ll be 3 years since I finished college in 2022, and I’ll have been looking for work for over a year by then. That feels like more than enough time, and I’m really starting to worry about it. It’s not like I’m a graduate looking for some specific role. There are jobs I might avoid, but I’m open to doing various kinds of work as long as it’s something I can do. Time feels like it’s just slipping away. I knew after finishing college that what I was doing wasn’t working, so I eventually accepted that and got support. I had a setback, but I’ve been looking for work ever since, trying to get support with it. Even with all that support, nothing seems to be working, and that’s why it feels like setback after setback. I just can’t seem to get to where I should be. It’s not just about getting to where I want to be it’s about getting to where I should be. I just want the pain to stop. I want to be where I should be, but that certainty is slipping further away, and I really can’t continue like this. The time it’s taking is getting ridiculous, and it’s dragging on way too long. I’m just fed up. How hard is it? I know it’s tough to get a job, but other people seem to get them quicker than I have. It’s not like I’m asking for anything special; having a job is just having a job. That’s all I want right now.
Back in July I posted a thread about things getting too much. I put a quote, here
TW mention of suicidal thoughts.
So it’s like I just am relying on some certaincy moving forward because I can't continue like this, I really want things to move forward soon, it's hard keeping determined but surely something has to come up soon.
I really don’t know what to do if things don’t improve soon. If it gets to this time next year, I’ll feel like it’s pretty much done. It’ll be 3 years since I finished college in 2022, and I’ll have been looking for work for over a year by then. That feels like more than enough time, and I’m really starting to worry about it. It’s not like I’m a graduate looking for some specific role. There are jobs I might avoid, but I’m open to doing various kinds of work as long as it’s something I can do. Time feels like it’s just slipping away. I knew after finishing college that what I was doing wasn’t working, so I eventually accepted that and got support. I had a setback, but I’ve been looking for work ever since, trying to get support with it. Even with all that support, nothing seems to be working, and that’s why it feels like setback after setback. I just can’t seem to get to where I should be. It’s not just about getting to where I want to be it’s about getting to where I should be. I just want the pain to stop. I want to be where I should be, but that certainty is slipping further away, and I really can’t continue like this. The time it’s taking is getting ridiculous, and it’s dragging on way too long. I’m just fed up. How hard is it? I know it’s tough to get a job, but other people seem to get them quicker than I have. It’s not like I’m asking for anything special; having a job is just having a job. That’s all I want right now.
Back in July I posted a thread about things getting too much. I put a quote, here
TW mention of suicidal thoughts.
"To be honest for a few years, I have not shared these thoughts to anyone in real life because Im scared to, Ill get seen as crazy and everything but I have had thoughts go through my mind like if I am going to be this unhappy long term or even permanent then is it worth carrying on with life like now just not having a job sorted just at home, down, stressing, society pressure, struggling for money etc. I'm really unhappy atm like, I just want to work, get money, work towards goals etc. I just don’t want it to be like coming across as like im job dodging, there's been points where I have wanted the right job straight away but I don't think I ever said or planned to just never get a job an do nothing, I just have previously wanted something suitable. Wanting to do nothing and not get a job is definitely the opposite to what I want like I want a job where I could earn a living, have a purpose, get nice stuff etc. I need a job to afford to live etc. Doing nothing is my fear atm just things not going better heading into my mid 20s, late 20s, early 30s etc, that's what's making me if I do get to that stage maybe I might consider if its worth going onif I need get to that stage and believed things werent going to improve. I have had these thoughts for a very long time but today I have been really scared of getting to that stage because things dont seem to be getting any better atm, I have not found my feet after leaving school. I was feeling miserable earlier today about everything and stressed last night. I dont have any plans to kill myself but its just feels like as a last resort I think like if I never get a job like what do I do realistically." , This is qoute I made on a thread back in July. These are thoughts I mean when I say dark thoughts when I say they are coming nearer as time goes on. If it did come to this time next year then these thoughts are might become more likely because that's 3 years of doing nothing, I've put way way more than enough time and I have not got anywhere. I think I have made a bit of progress but I'm just not at that end goal of a job and like a purpose. I'm all safe it's just these thoughts are like a last resort kind of thing but hope and certaincy is going dissappear long term. What's preventing me from these thoughts is certaincy, hope that I will get there, people care about me also just that I'm scared. It's just hard going through this battle but they aren't immediate plans or thoughts they are last resort. I'm just honestly stressed, fed up and down etc often with this stuff.
So it’s like I just am relying on some certaincy moving forward because I can't continue like this, I really want things to move forward soon, it's hard keeping determined but surely something has to come up soon.
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Comments
I've said this before, but you have been making some progress, even if you haven't hit the milestone you were hoping for. You've been putting time and effort to seek roles, have put yourself out there for jobs, and now are looking for alternative experience through volunteering too. These are all great things to do, and while they aren't the milestone itself, you should be proud of yourself of taking these steps forwards. As you say, you're trying to make this work, and I'm really glad that you keep pushing on and trying - it's the harder path, but the right one for you to achieve your goal
Having said that, I can hear how this experience is painful for you. Feeling rejected and stuck is an awful feeling, and thank you for sharing that with us because it can often be hard to say that. And while that can only happen if you have a goal and are rebuffed in trying to achieve it, the feeling of frustration isn't discounted at all.
There is one other path you could consider. While stable, formal employment is the goal, have you considered self-employment? It's growing in popularity over time (though still in the minority), but there's a wide range of self-employment roles that could be of interest. It'd help you to gain experience and money, and give you some use of your free time, at least until you get the formal role that you're applying for. It might not earn as much, but it's something. Would that be something you'd consider, or have looked into?
I'm glad to hear that final sentence that you've said. You're absolutely right - it's hard to stay focused and determined with all these headwinds, yet you've continued to keep going forwards. Really well done for doing that when it might have been easier to just give up. And that last phrase, "surely something has to come up", contains hope. Keep holding on that, and that opportunity will come your way. I really hope you get something come up for you soon, because you've worked so hard and your efforts do deserve some return! Do let us know how things go, we're right here with you through this journey to support and listen
Regarding your first question, it’s not a complete no. I would prefer a guaranteed income like most people would, as it provides stability. For the program I’m on right now, I do need to be unemployed in order for them to support me, so self-employment wouldn’t be an option at the moment. But I’m definitely not ruling it out in the future.
As for the second question, I actually did consider self-employment a few years ago, early on in my time here. I even mentioned it in one of my earlier posts. However, after some thought, I realized I’d prefer a guaranteed wage, like most people, because of the security it offers.
Do you have any examples of self-employed roles that I can look at, just if I do maybe decide to look at it or for the future? Its a good suggestion and I appreciate it. Thanks again for all the support, and I’ll keep pushing forward with the hope that something will come up soon.
I really appreciate you opening up about all of this - it's not easy to share how you're feeling and especially when things are this heavy. You always talk about your feelings so well and I love how, despite everything, you're always so determined to better yourself. You really are an incredible guy and I so hope that 2025 is your year. You deserve a break though!
You've been working SO hard, dude, and we can all see how you've been trying different approaches, and even stepping outside of your comfort zone with things like looking into volunteering. Those are all mega efforts. I know that the progress isn't visible right now and that can make it feel like nothing is changing, but honestly, what you're doing is something that a lot of people would struggle with. I'm really proud of you for not giving up
I also want to point out something - we’ve seen you blossom here. Watching you grow and change in such a positive way has been amazing. You’ve come so far, and I know that you sometimes struggle to see that in yourself. The effort you’re putting into looking for work, being open to volunteering, and the resilience you’re showing - it’s all progress. And even though it might not feel like progress in the way you imagined, it absolutely is. You’ve made it through some tough moments and kept pushing forward, and that growth is really noticeable to those of us here with you. The person you are today is SO much more capable and stronger than when you first started this journey. The progress is there, even if it’s in ways you didn’t expect. I promise.
What support do you have with these difficult feelings right now @TheNightmare I'm wondering whether it might help to have counselling to unpack how heavy it all is for you at times. Is that something you think you'd be interested in?
I also had a look down our signposting book and I found this link that might be helpful
You're not alone in this @TheNightmare so please keep reaching out and letting us know how you're getting on
Hey @Maia ! thanks so so much for your reply, it was unprompted too, I really appreciate so much. Youve been amazing with supporting me, thanks so mufh for your support this year in the past few months, I really appreciate you. Your support and kindness mean more than I can express, and it honestly makes such a difference in my day-to-day. I’ve been not too bad, thanks, I hope you're all good, not spoke to you for a bit because the chat thread wasn't on on Christmas but I hope you had a great one. Im ok though Just relaxing a bit during this period and taking some time to unwind. I have support from here and other services, but honestly, I find here is the best. The support from the amazing mods like you really makes such a difference. I can’t thank you enough for always being so understanding and encouraging. It means the world to have people like you who genuinely care. I’ve been thinking about counselling and do believe it could be worth a try to help me unwind and work through everything. I’ll admit it’s hard to find the courage, and I don’t want it to seem like I’m making excuses, but I think I’ll get there eventually if I decide I need it. Your kindness and support definitely help me feel like I could take that step when I’m ready. Also, I hope you had a wonderful Christmas and wish you a very happy New Year! You deserve nothing but the best. I’m so grateful for all the support and positivity you’ve given me this year. Hopefully, I’ll see you on Friday – I might have something potentially lined up that could help me move forward. Fingers crossed! And I have to admit, the thought of seeing you again already has me looking forward to it a little more than I probably should.