I feel weird at the moment

Rose113

I just I feel so weird not like in a “weirdo” way but more like physically I feel wrong. Time has stood still for me but everyone else’s lives are still happening and I’m trapped in this imaginary box that is trying to protect me except it’s not yk? I don’t know it’s silly I know

I suppose it’s related to the grieving of my grandma and the fact that it doesn’t feel Christmassy this year, it’s like I’ve lost the Christmas magic that people expect me to have. My family talking about having a good Christmas but how can you with grandma being gone 💔 have they forgotten about her already whilst I’m here thinking about her 24/7

The funeral date is the 14th January which is weird because her birth date is the 14th of June so it’s kinda weird and she nearly passed away on the 14th December but she held on to the 15th 😕

I’ve forgotten her voice and I stare at pictures of her hoping it’ll come back, when I was visiting her in hospital I refused to hug her cos I thought I’d hurt her but I wish I could go back in time and hug her so tight 💔 crap now I’m crying my eyes out. I just miss her so so so so so much. I see her a lot and I know it’s my mind playing tricks but she’s still there in the corner of the room.

I try stay distracted as much as possible like tomorrow my aunt taking me for a tattoo but every night it comes crashing down 💔 I want her to hug me tight and I want to wake up from the horrible nightmare but I can’t. I can’t even accept that she’s gone 😕

I’m getting bereavement support with a service online and there okay I guess but it’s only like coaching so you don’t really talk to them they just send you support everyday on message. I’m also waiting to hear back from another place.

This will be my first funeral and I don’t really understand them tbh but yeah it’s fine I suppose.

I don’t like all these things changing and the only person who cares for me being gone.

I have this necklace that I bought for my grandma for Christmas and now I can’t give it her so Emma told me to wear it and then it’ll be like my grandma is close to me. It’s a heart necklace. I’ve not taken it off since I’ve put it on, I’ve slept in it every day and night

I suppose this isn’t helping the fact that I think I have some underlying condition that has caused my AGR to become a really unhealthy thing to do yet I can’t stop it. I don’t even understand why it happens. It used to be okay ish to deal with and then it all blew up when it progressed badly which has scared me so much but I can’t go into detail on it on here cos it’s too stupid for that and too scary to share to everyone

I have a doctors appointment on 24th January that Emma from college sorted for me and I’ve started writing what I want to say but it feels stupid and it’s like 3 pages full of pure stupidity 😕

I want the real river back 😕 not this imposter that’s inside me 💔

I’m really really sorry 🥺😭

Azziman

Hey @Rose113, thank you for sharing how you feel with us here. I can hear how things don't feel the same at the moment. Losing a loved one can take time to process and heal, and it's okay to feel a little disorientated when something like this happens. I can understand how it can feel confusing to "celebrate" Christmas with your family while you've lost a loved one. People process grief in different ways, and it might be the case that being together as a family at Christmas will help each other to grieve the loss of your grandma. Would you find that helpful?

I can hear how much you miss your grandma, bless you. It's natural to want to go back and say and do things that we feel we didn't get to do when someone was with us. It takes time to accept and come to terms with loss, and allowing yourself to go through that process is a healthy way to approach it. It's painful, but in time you'll come to terms with what has happened. It's nice to remember the happy memories you had together as well. What was your favourite memory you've had with your grandma?

The necklace is a really thoughtful gift, I'm sure she would have loved it and appreciated your thoughtfulness to get it for her. I can hear how wearing it helps you to keep her in your memory

I can hear how you're concerned about your health at the same time. It may be the case that the stress caused by losing your grandma could be aggravating it. Either way, it's a good idea to get it checked out by the doctor if it's worrying you. If you'd like to share with us, we're here to listen and support you. There's nothing silly about that, if you're comfortable to talk about it

You're doing ever so well to keep going each day. There'll be a lot of emotions going around at the moment, and your feelings are valid. Let us know how you're getting on, because we're here to support you through a really difficult period in your life. Keep leaning on support services, family and friends too - our social network can really help us through the process of grief

Rose113

I don’t want to be around anyone for Christmas especially with people who don’t acknowledge she’s gone

I don’t remember any memories of her 🥺 i have memory issues which makes it harder but also it’s like ones that I could remember are gone I really don’t like it @Azziman

eylah

sending you so many hugs @Rose113 im always here for you I know how hard greif is bc im still going through it so if you ever need a rant etc im here for you ❤️

shannon_164

@Rose113 i really do hear how much of a difficult time this is for you, and i just want to say you’re genuinely doing so well managing everything and i’m proud of you for that!

firstly, how you are feeling is not at all silly, how you feel is valid - it doesn’t matter that everyone else’s lives are still happening and you feel trapped in an imaginary box that is trying to protect you - everything will happen in its own time for you, it could be super different for everyone else but just remember everyone will take as much time as they need to grieve, so it’s ok that it’s different for you than what it seems for everyone else.

trying to stay distracted all the time can take so much out of you so you’re doing amazingly with that for sure! it’s ok if you’re not ready to accept that she is gone yet, you don’t have to be ready to - you will be ready when you are ready and it’s ok however long that takes!

it’s totally ok that you’re not going into detail on here, but i just want to say that it’s not at all too stupid - how you feel is real and SO valid, i know that you don’t see that right now and that you just see stupidity on a page but i promise you that it’s not true, it’s not at all stupid!

i also just want to say, you don’t have anything to apologise for - you’re dealing with so so much that you shouldn’t have to be dealing with and it’s actually really brave of you to share such difficult feelings with anyone, so i’m super proud of you🩷