I feel weird at the moment

Rose113

I just I feel so weird not like in a “weirdo” way but more like physically I feel wrong. Time has stood still for me but everyone else’s lives are still happening and I’m trapped in this imaginary box that is trying to protect me except it’s not yk? I don’t know it’s silly I know

I suppose it’s related to the grieving of my grandma and the fact that it doesn’t feel Christmassy this year, it’s like I’ve lost the Christmas magic that people expect me to have. My family talking about having a good Christmas but how can you with grandma being gone 💔 have they forgotten about her already whilst I’m here thinking about her 24/7

The funeral date is the 14th January which is weird because her birth date is the 14th of June so it’s kinda weird and she nearly passed away on the 14th December but she held on to the 15th 😕

I’ve forgotten her voice and I stare at pictures of her hoping it’ll come back, when I was visiting her in hospital I refused to hug her cos I thought I’d hurt her but I wish I could go back in time and hug her so tight 💔 crap now I’m crying my eyes out. I just miss her so so so so so much. I see her a lot and I know it’s my mind playing tricks but she’s still there in the corner of the room.

I try stay distracted as much as possible like tomorrow my aunt taking me for a tattoo but every night it comes crashing down 💔 I want her to hug me tight and I want to wake up from the horrible nightmare but I can’t. I can’t even accept that she’s gone 😕

I’m getting bereavement support with a service online and there okay I guess but it’s only like coaching so you don’t really talk to them they just send you support everyday on message. I’m also waiting to hear back from another place.

This will be my first funeral and I don’t really understand them tbh but yeah it’s fine I suppose.

I don’t like all these things changing and the only person who cares for me being gone.

I have this necklace that I bought for my grandma for Christmas and now I can’t give it her so Emma told me to wear it and then it’ll be like my grandma is close to me. It’s a heart necklace. I’ve not taken it off since I’ve put it on, I’ve slept in it every day and night

I suppose this isn’t helping the fact that I think I have some underlying condition that has caused my AGR to become a really unhealthy thing to do yet I can’t stop it. I don’t even understand why it happens. It used to be okay ish to deal with and then it all blew up when it progressed badly which has scared me so much but I can’t go into detail on it on here cos it’s too stupid for that and too scary to share to everyone

I have a doctors appointment on 24th January that Emma from college sorted for me and I’ve started writing what I want to say but it feels stupid and it’s like 3 pages full of pure stupidity 😕

I want the real river back 😕 not this imposter that’s inside me 💔

I’m really really sorry 🥺😭