I’m so fucking pathetic (mentions of self harm and suicide)

bignosegirly0

Don’t worry, I haven’t gotten worse or hurt myself. But self harm and suicide is mentioned briefly.

Being bullied throughout high school made me develop a pathetic coping mechanism. During my teen years, I’d imagine romantic (they’re not, but I view them as romantic) scenarios of bullies saying awful things, to the point of making me cry, feeling immense guilt and suddenly falling in love with me.

In the past, I’ve imagine these scenarios when I’m dealing with suicidal ideation or self harm, caused by the bullying I’ve faced. Often, I imagine a scenario where a bully has drove me to killing/hurting myself and wanting to help me, leading to a romantic relationship developing.

It’s really pathetic, but that’s how I cope lol.

What I hate about myself is how I actually develop feelings for my bullies once they treat me like a normal person. And it’s not even them apologising for what they’ve done. It’s literally just small things, like help in with work or asking me something.

Recently, I suddenly developed a crush on a crew trainer (a girl who’s put me down in the past for the approval of another coworker) and all she did was ask if I’d ever be interested in getting trained in kitchen.

What the fuck is wrong with me. I know deep down, those who’ve hurt me really fucking hate me. And it just shows how I have no self respect for myself. I’m so fucking pathetic.

Faolan

You didn’t deserve the bullying you recieved and I’m really sorry to see that you feel so low ablut yourself because of the way others have treated you . No one deserves that and it really makes me frustrated because I don’t know why we cant all just be fecking kind to each other.

I don’t feel like any of this is pathetic at all. From my perspective it just looks like you’re been treated cruelly and your brain is trying to find a way to rewrite those painful narratives to make them feel less cruel and maybe more hopeful. I don’t know if that makes sense, it made sense in my head lol .

Anyway, I think it’s normal to crave kindness, even from eejits who think it’s great to bully us. And I guess when someone who’s hurt you has done something slightly kind it can be magnified because it contrasts so differently with the pain they’ve caused.

I can relate to doing this because I know well I’ve done it myself with my uncle who I don’t have a great relationship with.

I hope that in time you will realise that you are worthy and that you’re not pathetic and there’s nothing wrong with you. You’re just trying to heal from very real and painful trauma in the best way that you can.

Azziman

Hey @bignosegirly0, I'm sorry to hear what you've been put through. As @Faolan says quite rightly, you didn't deserve to be treated in this way at all. You deserve to be treated well, to be respected, and to be loved. It's sad to hear that you hear you ask what's wrong with you, when you're the one that has been wronged in these situations. Coping mechanisms are just that - ways for you to cope with difficult situations like these. They might not be ideal, but in the moment you're finding whatever way you can to handle the emotional impact of the situation. Be kind to yourself - what you've been through is difficult and painful. We're here to listen to you and support you through this

Sian321

Hey @bignosegirly0 , I just want to say thank you for your post and to echo what @Faolan and @Azziman have shared here

It makes sense that you would want to imagine a different outcome or scenario with the people who have bullied you, and it feels powerful that in the scenarios you imagine, the bullies finally recognise just how much they've hurt you, begin to treat you with dignity, and ultimately grow to care for you a lot.

I know you feel ashamed of yourself for imagining these scenarios, but I can imagine that it feels really gratifying - to have these people who've hurt you finally see you for the valuable, loveable person that you are. I hope you can give yourself some grace because bullying can be a truly awful and even traumatic thing to go through, and sometimes the brain is going to try and process and make sense of it in different ways.

We don't think you're pathetic, @bignosegirly0 , in any way

Sending hugs

ellie2000

@bignosegirly0 bullies r usually hiding their vulnerability. They are cowards. Bullies want ppl to come down to their level