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TW/ wish i wasnt here
eylah
Posts: 5,826 Part of The Furniture
im struggling so much atm with everything i have no support around me which is hard bc being by myself is so hard bc i have just been dumped to do things on my own. i know im a adult etc but its hard bc i struggle severely with my mental health and i have been told ‘your at risk to yourself’ etc by my old psychiatrist who has now left me on my own. i thought after everything i did to myself last week that i thought id get help but no i have just been left to just struggle and struggle. life is getting rly hard i dont feel comfortable msging shout bc they called police on me without me knowing on wednesday so idk. im safe etc but im just rly rly struggling. im trying to distract myself but its so hard it rly is 💔. i am failing so much i have nothing in life. ( im safe).
keep your face always toward the sunshine and shadows will fall behind you. 🤍
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It sounds a lot to hear that from your psychiatrist and not feel able to message shout. You have been doing well to distract yourself, what kind of things have you been doing? We care about you here Eylah, sending hugs
sending lots of hugs
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@eylah hey there,
First off I want to say I'm really glad you're safe and not in any danger. I find it really unfair that you keep looking for support only to feel disappointed or abandoned afterwards. You mentioned trying to distract yourself, what do you usually do during these distressing moments ? I'm sorry it feels like nobody cares, that's such an isolating and exhausting emotion to deal with. I hope that you can look at this post and any past ones you've done to look for the examples of the ways we do care about you and your situation here on community, because we definitely do.
How are you now?
my life i feel such a failure at everything bc i do nothing right or anything. im just a useless person on this earth
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I know that those feelings of worthlessness are so hard to combat and can feel super intense. I wonder if it's possible to acknowledge small victories as something that can contribute to your sense of self. Personally seeing how much you struggle (from what you've shared with us here) and knowing that you're still alive and trying despite how exhausting it is, I see that a victory. I've read online that if you're still alive while also being depressed then you're not struggling with depression, depression is struggling with you. It's corny but helps me from time to time. Right now your mind isn't being very kind or supportive, yet here you are still trying. That's huge even if it feels like nothing. You also don't have to do anything to earn a sense of worthiness. You exist, therefor you are worthy. I'm really proud of you
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Also thank you for letting us know you're safe Eylah
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@eylah I'm so sorry you're feeling this way right now. It’s understandable to feel overwhelmed, but you matter more than you realize. Even if it doesn’t feel like it, things can get better with time. You don’t have to go through this alone reach out to someone you trust for support. You’re not worthless, and you deserve kindness and care. ❤️
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And I can hear how much you miss your mum in the middle of all this too. That's a whole extra layer - coping with grieving and missing her everyday. It's been world-altering what you've been through, and it sounds devestating to feel yourself breaking into pieces. I know it doesn't even begin to take the pain away, but I'm sending you the biggest hug. You matter, Eylah. I'm so sorry you're having to fight everyday right now. You deserve so much more than this.
You mentioned that no one likes you, and I wondered whether you were referring to anyone / any group of people particularly here that have made you feel this way esspecially recently, or perhaps this is a general feeling?
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Firstly, that sounds really worrying about your friend, and I suppose I'm just thinking of how you've had to cope with similiar worries in the past and how this might bring up those past memories. Worrying about someone you care about that way can feel sickening, and I can imagine it's just a lot on top of the ways you're trying to survive yourself too.
Can I ask if your friend feels able to reach out to any services for support? I can put some below if helpful:
https://www.samaritans.org/how-we-can-help/contact-samaritan/
https://www.papyrus-uk.org/
https://stayingsafe.net/ - a great website for making a safety plan for yourself
And secondly, thank you for sharing some more about where you're feeling unliked and uncared for. Thats a painful thought, @eylah , and I really appreciate your honesty in sharing that sometimes that's a reality for you here too on Community, feeling as though you're useless and taking up space. It feels important that you can be honest about what it feels like to be a member here.
I know this doesn't take away from how you're feeling at all, but I wanted to share that as a relatively new Community mod, I'm really moved by just how authentically you show up in this space, speaking out from an honest place about what you're going through. The fact that you make posts about what's on your mind is, from my perspective, seriously comendable, and I think that when we are vulnerable, that can often be permission-granting for other people too, encouraging others to open up and take up space as each of you deserve. You're absolutely vital here on Community, Eylah, and a huge part of setting the tone of this space becoming an ever-more honest and real space. So thank you. Thank you for taking up space. Thank you for posting. Thank you for letting us in. It's genuinely such an honour that you choose to share, and we care. I assure you
That being said, I don't mean to say that in order to 'change' how you feel because your experience is valid, and I appreciate that for you, this space can feel isolating sometimes too. Again, thank you for being so real about that, and I hope we can keep a conversation going about this
With care,
Sian
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i was just reading this eylah and just want to say, as much as it can be so hard to, if your friend isn’t willing to try and help herself then you can’t do anything more, you’ve done all you can! they have to be willing to help themselves, reach out, engage with support etc, no one can do anything to help until they are willing to do that🩷
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I appreciate it's extreamly difficult, but I want to echo what @shannonxg_ has shared above too about how ultimately if your friend doesn't feel able to access the emergency support they deserve, you are not responsible yourself for actions that they might take. At the same time, I recognise just how horrible that might feel - to not be able to help your friend. And I can hear you say you feel like you've failed. It sounds like you're carrying a lot of self-blame here, which is heavy.
It is so clear just how much you care for them, Eylah, and I suppose I'm holding in mind just how much you're coping with yourself right now too. It seems like a lot to deal with at once.
I wonder what does feel within your control this evening? For example, any small ways you might be able to show some care to yourself? Already posting here is a fantastic way to continue doing that. We're here for you
its not that she’s not getting it herself its basically like me bc of past issues with the police etc she is reluctant to call them. thats me in the situation if ppl tell me to call 999.
im going out at 6ish with my sister bc why not and plus bc im feeling rly overwhelmed and got self harm urges i just need to get out. exciting news though my sister and her bf have moved round corner from me so im rly excited to have her right near me. i am feeling so much guilt bc i am struggling with so much rn more then I can handle and im having to deal with her bc its i get she doesnt want to call 999 but at least put my mind to rest and lmk your safe etc bc shes not allowing me that sense of relief rn
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