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i am so angry at myself 😭💔
eylah
Posts: 4,990 The Mix Elder
idk if many know but my mum passed away in september from her liver failure/transplant and her other health issues. i feel so ashamed of myself bc i said to her i would not touch alcohol especially bc she passed from it. but last night i drank alcohol and was threatened with being arrested if i didjt go hospital with police so i did. but i woke up today and i feel so guilty and ashamed with myself bc i did the exact thing that killed my mum and i feel so so angry with myself bc I have failed so badly. im sat here sobbing bc i want my mum back but that ive started going down the path she did. im so emotional rn i wish i had ppl to talk to but im alone 💔. i feel so like she is so mad at me for doing it. i cant do this💔😭.
keep your face always toward the sunshine and shadows will fall behind you. 🤍
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Comments
It sounds like this was one night where you drank alcohol - is that correct if you feel comfortable sharing? I don't think you've failed badly at all. We're humans - we make mistakes and sometimes give into temptations. It sounds like a lot happened last night so no wonder you're feeling lots of different emotions right now. In terms of liver failure from alcohol usage, this requires a large amount of alcohol to be consumed over a period of time. If you want to change your habits Eylah, I want to reassure you that you definitely have time. What happened last night doesn't have to be a defining moment for you - you might find some comfort in just seeing it as a blip. We're all human at the end of the day so please be gentle with yourself.
Is there anything that brings you comfort when you miss your mum? Any comforting items or fond memories you like to think about? Grief can be so tricky to navigate and usually ends up being very up and down. The amount of grief you are feeling just shows how much she meant to you - and that's a beautiful thing.
Please also know that we are right here with you - you're not alone
It sounds particularly difficult that this relates to alcohol, which you promised your mum you would not drink.
Are you able to talk to anyone about how you are trying to manage at the moment and more about what happened to your mum?
Some resources you may find helpful are:
Alcohol Change
Alcohol Health Alliance
Nacoa
If you are struggling with your own drinking, some resources you may find helpful are:
The NHS's Alcohol Advice:
Drink Aware
Alcohol Change UK linked above could also help with this
Are there any of these resources you think you might like to try? Would you like to share more with us about how things are for you today?
I’m so sorry you’re feeling this way, but please don’t be too hard on yourself. Grief can bring out overwhelming emotions, and you're not failing by feeling lost right now. You’re doing the best you can, and it’s okay to make mistakes. Please reach out to someone, you don’t have to go through this alone. You’re loved, and you will get through this. ❤️
hope you're feeling okay this morning/today/whenever you read this - keep going we're all so proud of you
I hear just how furious you are with yourself today and how hard it is to forgive yourself. It sounds so painful too to be afraid that your mum would be mad at you or dissapoinnted if she knew what happened. I completely agree with @AnonymousToe and I believe that your mum would understand - it sounds like there was so much love between you, and I can imagine that her main concern would just be that you're hurting, and that more than anything she would simply want to be there for you.
You said that you feel stupid, and I can imagine it's so frustrating because you feel so clearly in your mind that you don't want to touch alcohol ever, and yet, when things are very stressful or you're struggling to cope, alcohol has been something you've reached for. That makes sense, @eylah , even though it might feel like a battle going on inside you. We don't judge you here in the slightest, and from where I'm standing you've simply been trying your very best to cope through unbearable circumstances.
Grief can feel messy and all-consuming sometimes, and perhaps it doesn't always feel within your control. That's overwhelming, and we're here for you every step of the way, no matter what happens.
You are going through one of the toughest experiences life has to offer. I know it's hard to offer yourself some grace right now and that's okay. I hope you can look through this thread and see the several different people (myself included) who want to offer you the grace, patience, and kindness that you need and deserve in this moment. You are not a bad person, you are grieving. And grief doesn't have any timeline, any guidance, any structure. You're navigating something that's impossible to adequately prepare for. Just by keeping yourself alive, and reaching out for support you're already doing something that requires so much energy. We are here with you through this process
Here are some links that might help with grounding yourself and breathing
When your feeling really bad it can be easy to get into alcohol, but you can get out of it, and trust me you have the strength to get out of it, everyone has inner strength they never even knew they had, and there’s plenty of alcohol support groups that want to help
And about you promising not to drink alcohol and then drinking it, thats ok, we all make mistakes, especially when we’re going through a hard time, it’s how we recover from the mistakes that matters, and you can recover from this mistake and I’m sure you will recover from this mistake