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i am so angry at myself 😭💔

eylaheylah Posts: 4,990 The Mix Elder
idk if many know but my mum passed away in september from her liver failure/transplant and her other health issues. i feel so ashamed of myself bc i said to her i would not touch alcohol especially bc she passed from it. but last night i drank alcohol and was threatened with being arrested if i didjt go hospital with police so i did. but i woke up today and i feel so guilty and ashamed with myself bc i did the exact thing that killed my mum and i feel so so angry with myself bc I have failed so badly. im sat here sobbing bc i want my mum back but that ive started going down the path she did. im so emotional rn i wish i had ppl to talk to but im alone 💔. i feel so like she is so mad at me for doing it. i cant do this💔😭.
keep your face always toward the sunshine and shadows will fall behind you. 🤍

Comments

  • KatieKatie Moderator, Staff Posts: 136 The Mix Convert
    Hey @eylah firstly, I'm so sorry for your loss. I can't imagine how you are feeling and how it's been for you these last couple of months. I'm sending you so many hugs right now <3

    It sounds like this was one night where you drank alcohol - is that correct if you feel comfortable sharing? I don't think you've failed badly at all. We're humans - we make mistakes and sometimes give into temptations. It sounds like a lot happened last night so no wonder you're feeling lots of different emotions right now. In terms of liver failure from alcohol usage, this requires a large amount of alcohol to be consumed over a period of time. If you want to change your habits Eylah, I want to reassure you that you definitely have time. What happened last night doesn't have to be a defining moment for you - you might find some comfort in just seeing it as a blip. We're all human at the end of the day so please be gentle with yourself.

    Is there anything that brings you comfort when you miss your mum? Any comforting items or fond memories you like to think about? Grief can be so tricky to navigate and usually ends up being very up and down. The amount of grief you are feeling just shows how much she meant to you - and that's a beautiful thing.

    Please also know that we are right here with you - you're not alone <3
  • eylaheylah Posts: 4,990 The Mix Elder
    edited November 17
    @Katie wasnt first time ive drank alcohol since mums passed last night i had severe side effects idk if i can share but police was concerned and bc i tried leaving he came running after me which made me so upset bc i didn’t want to be there :/. ik mum died from liver failure bc she had to have a emergency transplsnt but bc of her other issues she had she couldn’t cope and she was taken of life support. ik i have time etc but its the guilt i feel bc i told mum i wouldn’t touch alcohol but i have. on multiple occasions now and i just feel like im just a shitty person :/. sry if i sounded rude im rly sry i rly appreciate you replying to me katie it means a lot. ❤️
    keep your face always toward the sunshine and shadows will fall behind you. 🤍
  • Laura_tigger82Laura_tigger82 Moderator Posts: 5,307 Part of The Furniture
    Your feelings are valid @eylah - it is okay to not have wanted to be there, even if you recognise they wanted you there because they were concerned about you.

    It sounds particularly difficult that this relates to alcohol, which you promised your mum you would not drink.

    Are you able to talk to anyone about how you are trying to manage at the moment and more about what happened to your mum?

    Some resources you may find helpful are:

    Alcohol Change

    Alcohol Health Alliance

    Nacoa

    If you are struggling with your own drinking, some resources you may find helpful are:

    The NHS's Alcohol Advice:

    Drink Aware

    Alcohol Change UK linked above could also help with this

    Are there any of these resources you think you might like to try? Would you like to share more with us about how things are for you today? <3
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  • eylaheylah Posts: 4,990 The Mix Elder
    edited November 17
    today? im back at home rn but im just in lot of pain rn with my hips again ( injured them few years ago) but rn i am waiting to see a hip surgeon. im trying to think that im not letting my down and that i can make her proud of me again but from heaven. sry just constantly having a mental breakdown 💔. ive mentioned my mum in multiple posts but im just finding it hard to talk abt her especially bc its my birthday next month and first birthday without her. 💔 thankyou @Laura_tigger82
    keep your face always toward the sunshine and shadows will fall behind you. 🤍
  • TheNightmareTheNightmare Posts: 2,492 Boards Champion
    eylah wrote: »
    idk if many know but my mum passed away in september from her liver failure/transplant and her other health issues. i feel so ashamed of myself bc i said to her i would not touch alcohol especially bc she passed from it. but last night i drank alcohol and was threatened with being arrested if i didjt go hospital with police so i did. but i woke up today and i feel so guilty and ashamed with myself bc i did the exact thing that killed my mum and i feel so so angry with myself bc I have failed so badly. im sat here sobbing bc i want my mum back but that ive started going down the path she did. im so emotional rn i wish i had ppl to talk to but im alone 💔. i feel so like she is so mad at me for doing it. i cant do this💔😭.

    I’m so sorry you’re feeling this way, but please don’t be too hard on yourself. Grief can bring out overwhelming emotions, and you're not failing by feeling lost right now. You’re doing the best you can, and it’s okay to make mistakes. Please reach out to someone, you don’t have to go through this alone. You’re loved, and you will get through this. ❤️

  • eylaheylah Posts: 4,990 The Mix Elder
    thankyou im definitely not loved but thankyou
    keep your face always toward the sunshine and shadows will fall behind you. 🤍
  • AnonymousToeAnonymousToe Posts: 2,391 Boards Champion
    Big hugs @eylah im sure your mum would understand how it happened. You’re going through possibly the hardest time of your life so it’s ok to slip up. We’re here for you 🫂 🩷
  • eylaheylah Posts: 4,990 The Mix Elder
    that made me emotional your comment @AnonymousToe ( in a gd way!) thankyou so much 🩷🫂
    keep your face always toward the sunshine and shadows will fall behind you. 🤍
  • sinead276sinead276 Posts: 1,679 Extreme Poster
    just wanted to echo what everyone else has said already - you're doing super well with everything that is going on in your life at the moment. it's perfectly okay to make mistakes every now and then - it's what makes us all human and its how we learn and grow.

    hope you're feeling okay this morning/today/whenever you read this - keep going we're all so proud of you :3
  • eylaheylah Posts: 4,990 The Mix Elder
    but how can someone be so stupid (me) and do the exact thing mum did before she died. :/ bc that’s ridiculous of me :/ its definitely not a mistake bc ive done it more then once. im so fucking stupid :/.
    keep your face always toward the sunshine and shadows will fall behind you. 🤍
  • Sian321Sian321 Moderator, Staff Posts: 130 The Mix Convert
    edited November 18
    Ah, @eylah , last night sounds extreamly difficult. I'm so sorry that you were struggling that much and feeling so alone. That feels heartbreaking, and honestly horrible to be threatened with being arrested when you were just missing your mum so badly.

    I hear just how furious you are with yourself today and how hard it is to forgive yourself. It sounds so painful too to be afraid that your mum would be mad at you or dissapoinnted if she knew what happened. I completely agree with @AnonymousToe and I believe that your mum would understand - it sounds like there was so much love between you, and I can imagine that her main concern would just be that you're hurting, and that more than anything she would simply want to be there for you.

    You said that you feel stupid, and I can imagine it's so frustrating because you feel so clearly in your mind that you don't want to touch alcohol ever, and yet, when things are very stressful or you're struggling to cope, alcohol has been something you've reached for. That makes sense, @eylah , even though it might feel like a battle going on inside you. We don't judge you here in the slightest, and from where I'm standing you've simply been trying your very best to cope through unbearable circumstances.

    Grief can feel messy and all-consuming sometimes, and perhaps it doesn't always feel within your control. That's overwhelming, and we're here for you every step of the way, no matter what happens.

    <3
  • eylaheylah Posts: 4,990 The Mix Elder
    thankyou yeah they threatened me that bc apparently i was drunk and disorderly but i was literally crying not swearing threatening or being aggressive. what made me more upset was the lady threatening me with it was same lady who came to me when i was sa last week. she was so horrible and i just struggling to breathe rn im rly not doing well at all. thankyou ❤️😣
    keep your face always toward the sunshine and shadows will fall behind you. 🤍
  • briannatbriannat Moderator, Staff Posts: 64 Boards Initiate
    edited November 18
    Hey there Eylah <3

    You are going through one of the toughest experiences life has to offer. I know it's hard to offer yourself some grace right now and that's okay. I hope you can look through this thread and see the several different people (myself included) who want to offer you the grace, patience, and kindness that you need and deserve in this moment. You are not a bad person, you are grieving. And grief doesn't have any timeline, any guidance, any structure. You're navigating something that's impossible to adequately prepare for. Just by keeping yourself alive, and reaching out for support you're already doing something that requires so much energy. We are here with you through this process <3

    Here are some links that might help with grounding yourself and breathing
  • eylaheylah Posts: 4,990 The Mix Elder
    thank you 🙂
    keep your face always toward the sunshine and shadows will fall behind you. 🤍
  • eylaheylah Posts: 4,990 The Mix Elder
    rly struggling again i don’t want to drink bc ill feel so guilty afterwards but man its hard. :/ i feel utterly shite
    keep your face always toward the sunshine and shadows will fall behind you. 🤍
  • amy02amy02 Moderator Posts: 362 Listening Ear
    Gosh @eylah I can hear how much you're struggling right now and I am sending love. <3 We are here for you and are so proud of you for trying your best <3 Remember you are not alone in this
  • eylaheylah Posts: 4,990 The Mix Elder
    im just so fed up bc its to much for me 😣 Thankyou Amy ❤️
    keep your face always toward the sunshine and shadows will fall behind you. 🤍
  • eylaheylah Posts: 4,990 The Mix Elder
    edited November 19
    last night couldnt of got more worse omg i cant deal with life anymore i dont want to be here anymore. 😣💔 safe
    keep your face always toward the sunshine and shadows will fall behind you. 🤍
  • JMMV2005JMMV2005 Posts: 93 Budding Regular
    @eylah I’m really sorry for your loss, no one should ever go through that

    When your feeling really bad it can be easy to get into alcohol, but you can get out of it, and trust me you have the strength to get out of it, everyone has inner strength they never even knew they had, and there’s plenty of alcohol support groups that want to help

    And about you promising not to drink alcohol and then drinking it, thats ok, we all make mistakes, especially when we’re going through a hard time, it’s how we recover from the mistakes that matters, and you can recover from this mistake and I’m sure you will recover from this mistake
  • eylaheylah Posts: 4,990 The Mix Elder
    i cant share everything here bc of guidelines but its not a mistake etc and its bc of everything going on in my life rn. thankyou though
    keep your face always toward the sunshine and shadows will fall behind you. 🤍
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