(TW: suicidal thoughts, self-loathing) not being able to find love makes me want to kill myself

bignosegirly0

I’m in a heated mood and I’m probably gonna regret saying this unhinged shit later.

TW: suicidal thoughts, intense feelings of self-loathing

It’s so fucking unfair how I’ll never find love, no matter how much I try to improve my appearance. But it’s evening more fucking unfair that I have to live with it. This is such fucking bullshit. I just want to mean something in this fucking world. I genuinely despise being a femcel. It’s fucking torture. I just want the courage to fucking kill myself. I wish I didn’t fear about how painful it would be to end my life or the fear of failing. Because I’m doing myself no fucking favour by staying alive. If I can’t find love, I would much rather be fucking dead now. Please god, just give me the fucking courage to kill my self. I can’t fucking take this anymore. This shit is too unbearable and I don’t know how much longer I can take it. Nothing is going to get better for me. Just please give me the fucking courage to kill myself. I have nothing to live for.

Mod edit: added spoiler and trigger warning

ebyrne556

Morning @bignosegirly0 just checking in on you this morning and checking that your safe this morning? I am hearing how tough things are right now for you and im sending you a lot of strength. Im hearing how you are struggling to find love and it’s really impacting you. Would you like to chat a bit more about what finding love might look like for you and how this is affecting you? Just to say You will find the right person who appreciates and accepts you for the amazing person you are and altho it might take time you are doing so well to keep going.


You are important and such a valuable member of the community.We are here for you and you are doing so well by keeping going even when it feels so hard right now.

Sending hugs and support and if you need anything today we are here for you but just signposting to some other services as well incase you want to speak to them

Crisis Messenger (24/7) | text THEMIX to 85258
Samartians (24/7) | call 116 123 | email jo@samaritans.org
Papyrus (2pm-midnight) | call 0800 068 41 41 | text 07786 209 697 | email pat@payrus-uk.org
Supportline (hours vary) | call 01708 765 200
Childline call 0800 11 11

Take care

bignosegirly0

@ebyrne556 Hiya, I am still safe this morning.

Growing up ugly, I've always been taught by guys my age and older that they find me disgusting and to love me is the biggest insult. If the treatment I faced stayed in high school, I wouldn't care one bit, but the fact that I'm still getting treated the same as an adult makes me hopeless in finding love. I've tried everything to make myself look better, but I still get the same treatment from men. The most recent example was last Sunday where a customer mocked me with his friend about how ugly I am.

And when I look at how those same men treat women who they find attractive, they suddenly turn into a respectable person who treats them like a human being. Having those experiences has affected me horribly. Everyday, I grief over never being able to find love. I either stay depressed for the whole day or bitter and irritable.

Faolan

Hey @bignosegirly0

I’m sorry for the way you’ve been treated in the past by men it’s awful and it sounds like they have the personality of teaspoons. You don’t deserve people poking fun and making you feel like you’re not worthy because what they say simply isn’t true.

I know this might be frustrating to hear right now but I do really believe that beauty is subjective and there are loaaaads of people who aren’t shallow eejits like the ones you’ve unfortunately come across. You know? I don’t think beauty looks the same for everyone.

Your posts are really sad to read because it’s clear how much you’re hurting but I also think it’s clear to me and everyone looking in from the outside just how hard youre being on yourself. Sure, if we keep telling ourselves that we’re “ugly” and we’re this that and the other we’re going to start believing it. I really believe that no one is ugly. People just conform to look a certain way because society and media pushes those ideas… and just because someone looks different doesn’t make them any less beautiful. Humans feel uncomfortable sometimes with what’s different but being unique isn’t a flaw, sure isn’t that beauty in itself?

I know people have treated you cruel and you’re feeling hurt but maybe once in a while you can try and pick someone thing out about yourself that you do like. I know it’s hard not to see the negatives, like when you posted how to look better outside, when I looked at those pics the first thing I noticed was how blue your eyes are! I’ve never seen eyes that blue and they’re so nice and vivid. I know you might overlook these things in yourself but they are there and I promise ye not everyone is looking at ye and trying to search for imperfections💚

I genuinely despise being a femcel.

Are you actually in any femcel forums / communities or watching any femcel videos?

Sure, be gentle with yourself when you can. You didn’t deserve the harshness you’ve faced and you definitely don’t deserve it from yourself. Try and give yourself the kindness others failed to give you because you’re more than what they tried to make you believe .

bignosegirly0

@Faolan I have visited femcel forums in the past to find people who relates to my issue. But I stop going on them because every time, I encounter extremely sexist posts against men. I think the worst example was when I saw femcels glamorising a real life criminal who stalked and sexually abused her victim, simply because it was a man getting abused.

Faolan

Sheesh, ya incel & femcel communities can be really harsh sometimes. I guess they’re just full of people who are deeply hurt and desperate to show that in someways.

It must’ve felt nice to find someone to relate to but I do think they’re best to avoid. They seem really toxic and almost brain washing in a way. I’m glad you don’t use them anymore, sure for your own mind. You don’t need to read that crap.

I know this post is about feeling frustrated with trying to find love, I feel like now a days people tend to use dating apps to find people they like / who like them. Have you ever tried that?

I do hear your frustrations and I’m really sorry you’ve been made to feel this way. You didn’t deserve any of this. No one should be left feeling so horrible about themselves.

For what it’s worth, I’m glad you’re alive . I do believe you’ll find your way out of this darkness

bignosegirly0

@Faolan yeah, I really dislike how misandrist or misogynist everyone is on the forums. Obviously, I have no right to criticise since I'm not mentally stable either lol. But I avoid those forums for that reason and for the sake of not becoming worse. I have considered using a dating app. The only thing that's stopping me is the fact that I haven't got a car to travel anywhere or go on dates. I'm half way through studying my drivers theory and hoping to pass soon. But I will consider using a dating app when the time is right. And thank you for your support, it really means a lot to have someone listen to me

JustV

Wanted to say it's lovely to read this discussion. I can tell those feelings of self-loathing are so intense for you @bignosegirly0 and I think it's cool that you're confronting them.

I agree with everything @Faolan said. It's really positive that you decided to step away from the incel/femcel forums. It would have been easy to stay and to stew in that environment (like so many do), so for what it's worth: well done for choosing to leave those spaces. Finding your way to a community like this one is a step in the right direction.

Have you ever had or considered having therapy? What you're posting about sounds like the kind of thing that a psychotherapist would be good at unpicking with you, particularly as it seems to relate to trauma and some deep rooted childhood stuff.

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Putting my moderator hat on for a sec, I made a couple of edits to your main post. I added a trigger warning to the title and body of the post, then I wrapped the ranty part in a spoiler just because it's quite intense reading and I didn't want folks just stumbling on it.

bignosegirly0

@JustV I've been to therapy for many different things in the past, starting from high school - college. I haven't had a therapist for a while, but I may go back just to see if I can learn to cope with intense emotions.