I'm really not okay

Chloe234

Im just really not okay, I'm trying to play it off as yeah I'm okay, yeah I'm good but I'm really really not. I'm falling to pieces but I'm just hiding it all. I'm staying in bed all day everyday but it's different than usual because most days I feel like I physically cannot bring myself to get up because I'm just so exhaused.

I feel like such a shitty person as well and I'm trying not to show how much I hate myself but I really really really do. I wish none of my past happened to me and it's just really not fair. Maybe I wouldn't be such an awful person today if it didn't happen.

I want to just curl up in a ball and cry but nothing ever comes out. I'm in so much pain mentally but I'm just trying to hide it. I don't feel like I'm allowed to struggle.I don't even talk to my family at all about how I feel because I don't want them to know, I want them to be able to carry on with their lives how they please and not have to sit there worrying about me every five minutes because no family should have to do that.

I'm back at college on Monday and usually I'd be counting down the days but I'm honestly dreading it so much. I physically haven't been able to do my homework which I've been set which is so unlike me because usually I get it done immediately and now I have 3 days just to try and catch up but there's so much. I love my course but sometimes I'm worried that it's too much for me and I'm not capable of doing well in it when I should be and it's just another thing I have to live with my mental health affecting it.

I'm so tired and I'm trying to just keep carrying on but I'm just stuck like this and every day the mask comes off when everyone's asleep and I'm just here falling apart. It's half 1 in the morning yet I can't sleep because I'm just flooded with absolutely everything.

I also feel so so so lonely and like I have nobody even though I know that's not true and I hate that too. But if it's not true then why is the loneliness so so painful. I'm just so tired.

shannonxg_

chloe, i don’t really know what to say and im so sorry about that but your feelings are valid🩷

i know from listening to what you’ve shared while i’ve been on here and in chats in the past few months that you’ve been through a lot and don’t deserve any of it.

i promise you are not at all a shitty person, i know you might feel that way about yourself but you’re honestly not!! you’re such a special person that makes the world a better place - i just wish that life was better for you and that you didn’t have to experience anything you’ve been through.

i’m so proud of you for continuing on everyday, even though it is SO difficult for you right now, and i think you should be really proud of yourself too!!

always here for you, you’ve got this chloe🫶🏻

Gemma

Hey @Chloe234 - you've done so well to share all of this with us. It sounds like you’re carrying a tremendous amount right now, and it makes sense that you’d feel overwhelmed and exhausted. It’s really hard to keep going when it feels like you’re putting on a mask for everyone else and can’t even get the rest you need. The pressure to act like everything’s okay when inside, you’re feeling completely different, like you’re falling apart, can make it feel even lonelier. I’m so sorry you’re going through this.

I hear you when you say you feel like you’re not allowed to struggle, like you have to protect your family from seeing what you’re dealing with. That’s a lot to handle on your own, and it’s understandable that it feels unfair - especially knowing how much you’ve been through. You mentioned wishing that certain things hadn’t happened in the past, and that’s totally valid. Our past can weigh heavily on us, and it’s okay to acknowledge that pain.

The things you love, like your college course, also seem to be causing stress right now. It’s normal to feel pressure to keep up with everything, and it sounds like you’re frustrated because you know how capable you are, yet things feel harder than usual. Would it help to talk about what makes it feel too much sometimes? Or what you think might help you feel less stuck?

Just know that you don’t have to have it all figured out or keep hiding how you feel. This is a safe space, and we're here to listen whenever you’re ready.

Sending lots of hugs

Chloe234

Thankyou @shannonxg_ I appreciate the reply a lot apologies it took so long to reply

Chloe234

Thankyou @Gemma

I just feel like it's easier for others If I'm okay and not being a burden. It saves them stress.

I don't know what makes it feel like so much, I guess I just don't ever have the energy and motivation. I'll sit and force myself to do it most the time as I know I have to but it's just complicated when I'm struggling so much already and the amount of college work is overwhelming. Everyone else is managing but I'm not and I hate that

amy02

Gosh @Chloe234 sending you big hugs right now I can hear how all this must be so overwhelming for you. Hopefully you've managed to get some better sleep in the past few days. You're so strong for sharing this with us and we're here for you. Is there someone at your college you are able to speak to about the workload? Hopefully they'd be able to provide time extensions or something for students who are struggling? You are absolutely not a burden and deserve to be supported and heard x

Chloe234

Thankyou @amy02 apologies for delayed response I'm exhausted

Last night I managed to get some sleep but I think that was pure exhaustion as I just haven't been sleeping properly but fell sleep 9:30 last night and woke at 6:30. I'm still exhausted though

I could mention it to my tutor but it's all part of the course so I can't really be having longer extensions and also idk I don't wanna make it seem like it's the wrong course or anything because it isn't I'm just mentally not doing great and it's reflected on my learning

ebyrne556

Hey @Chloe234 i’m really glad that you got some sleep last night (yay for small wins haha) but I’m hearing that you’re still really tired. Is there a way that you’re able to get some extra rest today even just time to get away from the coursework and watch some Disney?

I can understand why you don’t really want to mention it to your tutor and I guess some tutors are more supportive than others. maybe if you don’t want to do it verbally you could do it like in an email or is there another member of staff that maybe you might feel more comfortable going to? Even support staff in the college. At the end of the day they should bethere to help you to get the most out of your course

Thinking of you keep going @Chloe234