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No purpose for my existence
Siena
Posts: 15,687 Skive's The Limit
I’m in a really bad place and everything I do feels like like a bucket list so I can kill myself like going on holiday to beach cause never done that before and now done that. I have no purpose everyone is moving on and completely things and I’ve just worked at primark my whole life and now I’m 26. I feel not much connection to people as I’m just an anxious person. I wake up go to work come home feel extremely depressed just to wake up and go to work to just survive and do the exact same thing. I don’t understand the concept of life when we are just working to survive and just wake up to repeat the exact same painful day. And I know I’ll get replies saying it will get better but it’s been like this for too long I just think I can’t handle anything cause life is tough and you just have to get through it but I genuinely just can’t and I really don’t see my purpose and all I think about all the time is people who are dying and I could save many people who want to be alive right now with my organs. People have partners and I can’t even feel that connection cause I have too much anxiety and I am just numb all the time. I didn’t enjoy my holiday cause I just felt numb and only “enjoyed” myself when I was drinking. Nothing actually feels worth it and I know I’ve said many times of how much I wanna die but the older I get the more I feel like a massive waste of space and really do need to leave. I am safe but I just don’t know how I’m supposed to carry on or that I even want to anymore all i really ever wanna do is sleep and I’m so old and I’ve done fuck all with my life and it won’t change and I have no real connection to anyone for any one to care
“And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
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Comments
You mention that you're struggling to see a purpose to keep going, which is sad to hear but also not uncommon either. When we don't have a reason or purpose to keep going, it's really difficult to motivate ourselves to do so. You've mentioned working at Primark all your life as an example - could you share a little more about why this makes you feel without purpose? Do you have a career path or field in mind that you'd have liked to have gone into?
You land on an important point - not feeling like you've done enough in your life, especially compared to others you see around you. You're not alone in how you feel - many people feel this way at some point in their lives. There's two elements to this - on the one hand, comparing ourselves to others (which might be natural, but also often makes us feel worse and rarely helps us anyways); on the other hand, reflecting on where you are in life and what you wish you'd achieved. To that point, what do you wish you'd achieved in your life, on reflection?
The point of feeling disconnected due to anxiety is a difficult one, and I can hear how you're upset that you've not been able to connect to people or have a fulfilling relationship. Feeling disconnected and isolated is really difficult. Could you share with us how anxiety makes this difficult for you? Have you considered speaking to a counsellor or therapist about your anxiety? It might be helpful to lift a weight off your shoulders and feel a little less alone
I want you to know that, despite these feelings, your life is not over. We can't change the past, but we can do something now to change our futures. You have plenty of time to figure out what you want in life, and what you can do to try and make that a reality. And remember, you don't have to do this alone - people you meet, friends you make, and professionals who can provide support can all play a part to help you on your journey. Purpose is hard to figure out for everyone, and it's something that we discover through our path in life. You might not find the answer today or tomorrow, but given time and effort, you'll experience something that resonates with you and gives you that answer.
We're here to support you through this journey, and listen to you! I'm going to include some support links below that might be helpful if you want to speak to someone, just in case:
You bring much more value to the world being alive than you ever would being dead, no person is a waste of space.
I hear that you feel stuck in a bit of a rut at the moment, just working to get money, to live, to work more and I can hear how exhausted this is making you feel
It's so hard to drag yourself out of bed to go to work everyday when you don't see the point, but it can be even harder to talk about it so well done for reaching out
I completely understand where you're coming from, anxious thoughts often make us feel super distant from what's happening and it stops us from making connections with the people around us. It can make us feel even worse over time as we stop going out as much and talking to people. Then even the idea of doing it at all can be super anxiety inducing.
How do you usually cope with all these anxious feelings?
At work today I had no motivation and just basically wanted to sit down and do nothing so I asked for a break eventho not meant to as 4 hours sat there crying thinking about how useless and pointless my existence is and manager came to find me and we went outside and got me a drink and had a deep chat and he was saying how he doesn’t share the perspective I have of myself cause I was also discussing how I have no personality cause I’m anxious and don’t even have a purpose in that way and he was just saying how there’s a lot of workers he doesn’t like and he wouldn’t take the time to sit with someone and chat for so long if he didn’t like me as a person and he was very nice and just chatting about life
Right now it sounds like you're feeling caught in such a vicious cycle of survival - working to survive, and surviving to work - and this cycle leaves you very unfulfilled. I got the sense too that a part of you is almost asking, 'surely there is more to life than this?' - would that be fair to say? I hear you, Siena, and it feels like such a valid question to ask - to be curious about what you want from life, what brings you joy, and what offers you a sense of purpose.
In some of the hardest moments recently it also sounds like its been very difficult to imagine things ever getting better - is that right? And I can hear that you've been thinking often about dying and ending your life. Again, that just sounds so hard to cope with, @Siena , and I really want to acknowledge how exhausting and all-consuming things are feeling for you. So far, how have you been able to keep yourself safe when you do think about dying? In those hard moments, is there anything or anyone that helps bring you comfort?
Thank you also for opening up about your anxiety. I'm curious - how long have you experienced anxiety for, and what do you know about where the anxiety stems from for you? From what you've described, it sounded almost like this numbing cloud that makes connection with people around you feel really hard and distant. That sounds so isolating for you, Siena. We're right here with you and you don't have to have all the answers!
I really relate personally to what you said about feeling down-on-yourself for not having 'done' certain things by a certain age. It can be extreamly hard getting older when there are all these societal pressures about what life 'should' or 'shouldn't' look like at a specific age. I know it's really hard, but for me it's helped to remind myself that I'm on my own path, and it's okay for my life to look different to those around me. Truly there is no right or wrong way to live a life, and feeling fulfilled will look different to each of us. What do you imagine when you picture a purposeful life for yourself? I'd love to hear more about this
And finally, I just wanted to echo what everyone's said above - that your life is so innately worthy, and that you MATTER so much because you're a human being with a soul and feelings and needs, and I'm really moved that you're letting us get to know you a little bit more. It's wonderful you had that deep chat with your manager. It sounds like he really values you
Keep us updated, Siena, and I'm sending you a big hug (if hugs are your thing!).
Sian