(TW: suicidal thoughts, self harm, body image) life doesn’t feel worth living

bignosegirly0

I know I wrote a post not too long ago about a similar subject, but this is something that plays in my mind 24/7. And while I have some days where I cope better, today is not one of them. I’ve been too depressed to do anything besides rot in my bed and scroll through my phone. Even though I tried making art, I just instantly lost motivation and got back in bed.

But yeah, I’m gonna be super annoying and constantly vent about the same thing because I have no one else to talk to and can’t distract myself from it, even if I’m at work, the gym or just doing anything in general. I’m just a miserable bitch 😀👍

I can’t fucking do this anymore. I’m not planning on killing myself since it’s likely to be unsuccessful. But I can’t fucking do this anymore. I don’t want to exist in this world. I don’t want to waste my adult years rotting in my room because I’m too ugly to have a social life / relationship. I have nothing to look forward to in life. Being ugly feels like a life long punishment that you could never escape from unless you decided to kill your self and succeed.

I hate having to work with people who constantly mock me for never being able to find love because men find me fucking appalling to look at. I hate working around pretty coworkers who get treated better than me, because I know I’ll never be like them. It shatter my heart every time I see the same guy who drove me into relapsing and cutting myself again, be in a relationship with the most stunning woman I have ever seen. I so desperately want to experience love like they do, but I never will.

Having body dysmorphia is bad enough. But having it whilst actually being conventionally ugly and being told your entire life that you’re ugly feels like you’re being weighed down by a shit ton of bricks.

At least if you’re attractive with body dysmorphia, people will reassure you that it’s all in your head. Whereas if you’re ugly with body dysmorphia, you’re left with nothing but hopelessness.

And I’ve really tried everything to be more attractive. I’ve really fucking tried. I’ve tried enhancing my face with makeup. I’ve tried looking beautiful naturally. I’ve tried losing weight. I’ve tried gaining weight. I’ve tried dressing up to look as if I’m going to a special event. I’ve tried dressing causally like other people my age. I’ve tried fucking everything, but I’m never good enough. There is no hope for me, I’m completely fucked.

I wish euthanasia was legalised in the UK. And as ridiculous as it sounds, I wish being ugly was a valid reason to take your own life. Especially when many psychological studies show that attractiveness grants you a more successful life, in comparison to being unattractive. There is nothing for me to look forward to. If i can’t experience love, can I at least have the freedom to die peacefully?

Azziman

Hey @bignosegirly0, thank you for sharing your experience here with us, it's brave to be open about these feelings, and I'm glad you felt you could share this in this thread. We see and hear you

I can understand that you're not feeling in a good place right now. It's okay to express your emotions here! I can hear how you're struggling to find a reason to keep going in life, and that you feel frustrated around physical appearance and how people are treated differently based on it. I don't think you're alone in feeling this way - you'd hope that people would treat you fairly, and I don't think it's unreasonable to expect that standard. You do have value and you do deserve respect!

Being mocked about your love life and being treated unfairly due to appearance are awful to go through, and I'm sorry that you've had to go through that. I hear how having body dysmorphia is difficult anyways, but having these experiences as well exacerbate those feelings so much more. To hear how this impacts the hope you hold in the future is upsetting, and makes it clear how much this is weighing on you.

It's clear that you've tried a lot to do something about this - changing your appearance, weight, dress sense - but that it's not giving you the results that you want. It's something that's affecting you a lot, and you're driven to try and do something about it. I wonder, have you spoken to a therapist or counsellor about how you feel? Being able to talk to someone about body dysmorphia and how you feel about yourself and the experiences you've had can be really helpful to lift a weight off your shoulders and perhaps feel a little less alone. Is that something you could consider trying?

I know that you've had experiences related to your physical appearance that have hurt, but from what you've said, it's clear that you're someone who's really trying their best to help themselves and that you expect fair treatment like others. You as a person still have worth and something to contribute, and I hope that you can still hold onto that. We're happy to have you here as part of our community!

I've included some links below to some support services that might be helpful, in case you'd like to speak to someone about how you're feeling:

Crisis Messenger (24/7) | text THEMIX to 85258
Samaritans (24/7) | call 116 123 | email jo@samaritans.org
Papyrus (2pm-midnight) | call 0800 068 41 41 | text 07786 209 697 | email pat@payrus-uk.org
Supportline (hours vary) | call 01708 765 200
Childline | call 0800 11 11

bignosegirly0

@Azziman thank you for your response. It really means a lot to me. Thankfully, I’m feeling better than yesterday.

I have been to therapy in the past for my body dsymorphia. During that time, i was wearing a mask in public to avoid being targeted again. Thankfully, there were some issues that were resolved. But unfortunately, there’s others which I’m still trying to solve.

Obviously, being around a group of individuals who are judgmental towards others for their looks brings me down. Hence, I’m still trying to find a new job with a more mature work team in order to heal mentally.

Despite having moments in life where I feel there is no hope, I know that things will get better in the future.

Laura_tigger82

I can hear how some issues you are still trying to solve @bignosegirly0. What might trying to solve these look like for you at the moment? Would you like to talk about these issues?

It is really positive to hear some issues have been resolved. Your feelings are valid and you deserve to feel supported and healed mentally.

Keep holding onto the hope - I know sometimes that can be easier than said than done but you deserve for things to get better. We are here with you along this journey

bignosegirly0

@Laura_tigger82 My main problem how my rumination has made me into a bitter person, develop anger issues and make regrettable decisions

I mainly ruminate over two depressing beliefs which I am convinced are factual:
• I'll never find love due to being ugly
• I'll never have value in this world because I'm an ugly woman

Although I've developed these beliefs as a child, I started obsessing over these beliefs daily when I was 18 and started working in a workplace where I was getting picked on for my looks. Although I'm bi, I constantly crave male validation from the point where I begin to lose my attraction to women. Everyday, I fantasise about being beautiful enough for a man to confess his love to me (and not have it be a dare set by his friends), just so then I could finally mean something in this world.

I don't know how to discuss this without sounding creepy, so I'm gonna apologise on my behalf for what I'm gonna further discuss. Since we live in a hyper sexual world, I notice that society bases a woman's values on how sexually appealing she is towards the male gaze. With that in mind, I'm constantly craving sexual validation from a man in order to finally have worth in life.

But I don't put myself out there to pursue sexual validation from men, because enough men in my life have taught me that I'm too ugly to find love. Once again, I'm convinced that it is impossible for a man to find me sexually attractive due to past experiences.

When I repetitively obsess over these beliefs, it makes me into a bitter person who can easily get upset and can sometimes snap at people if they act like a dick towards me.

Sadly, I know there is no cure for being unlovable, so instead, I try and focus on managing my anger. For starters, I've tried journaling. Although it can be helpful, it's not like I can randomly whip my book out and start writing during the heat of the moment. I've tried many mindfulness techniques (square breathing, meditation 5 senses etc). But I think the reason they don't work for me is because when I try focusing on something else, my brain instantly shifts back to the negative thoughts. Currently, I am still researching techniques.