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Im tired.
Chloe234
Community Champion Posts: 3,545 Community Veteran
Im just tired. I feel like no one understands how much im actually trying to push myself just to get through every day. Emotionally and physically no matter what im doing that day the crash afterwards always just doesnt feel worth it. My life is just a pile full of trauma and hurt and sometimes i just wanna scream and yell that im just not okay but i cant. Every day i have to put on a mask and pretend im okay but im just really not.
I feel like i cant struggle around my family either. I feel like i have to be okay. Like i have to be one of the strong ones. I wait for my own sister to be asleep to be able to just fall apart. Sleep feels like my only escape but theres only so much of that I can do. Daily even just messaging my friends is hard. I just feel so disconnected from everyone and just like the real me isnt there.
Thing is i feel so invalid for how i feel. Like, im not diagnosed with anything. Its not like officially i have anxiety or depression. I just feel this way and sometimes it feels like i dont have an excuse for it. It feels so invalidating in a way. Sometimes it makes me think- am i just making this all up in my head? But i cant be. No one would make themselves feel this way. No one would make up trying to end their life. No one would hurt themselves for the fun of it. No one would purposely not be okay.
Im so tired of trying to be okay but never actually being okay. Deep down i know i never will be and part of me has just accepted it but another part of me wont accept it and i hate it.
I feel like i cant struggle around my family either. I feel like i have to be okay. Like i have to be one of the strong ones. I wait for my own sister to be asleep to be able to just fall apart. Sleep feels like my only escape but theres only so much of that I can do. Daily even just messaging my friends is hard. I just feel so disconnected from everyone and just like the real me isnt there.
Thing is i feel so invalid for how i feel. Like, im not diagnosed with anything. Its not like officially i have anxiety or depression. I just feel this way and sometimes it feels like i dont have an excuse for it. It feels so invalidating in a way. Sometimes it makes me think- am i just making this all up in my head? But i cant be. No one would make themselves feel this way. No one would make up trying to end their life. No one would hurt themselves for the fun of it. No one would purposely not be okay.
Im so tired of trying to be okay but never actually being okay. Deep down i know i never will be and part of me has just accepted it but another part of me wont accept it and i hate it.
🦆💜🦆💜🦆
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Comments
I know it’s not the same as physically screaming but our message space is always open if you want to scream, shout and let it all out and to even vent about it all and don’t worry you won’t be burdening me, or bothering me, or trigger me, or be putting pressure on me. I’m here for you, always and forever and that won’t ever change 🫂
Your family are really rubbish and that really isn’t fair on you and it leaves you feel so so rubbish and in a dark place with no light but we are your family, we are your virtual family and we love you especially for who you are because you are an amazing young person ❤️
Friend you don’t need an official diagnosis to be feeling this way, diagnosis or not how you are feeling is still valid and it always will be ❤️ even if years too come and there is no official diagnosis then that’s Okie, how your feeling and the way and why you are feeling will always matter and it will always be valid.
Life has been extremely horrible to you for years and it’s understandable that it’s left a lasting effect and an effect that will take time to work through and I know lately it feels like it’s not getting easier but as each day passes weather it goes slow or fast it’s a less day that this pain will continue ❤️
Soon you will have free rain to make your life your own and till that day comes and even beyond we will always be here to help guide you through 🫂❤️
Sending you ducks and hugs 🤗 🦆 @Chloe234
Wish to bully me…I’m used to it
Want to talk crap about me…go on then
Want to make me cry…feel free
It sounds incredibly heavy and exhausting to carry so much on your own. The pressure of trying to appear okay while feeling this way inside can be overwhelming, especially when it feels like no one fully understands just how much you're pushing yourself just to get through each day. Like @Rose113 shared above, everything you’re experiencing is valid, with or without labels, and it's clear that you're going through something very real and painful. You don’t have to have an official diagnosis to be struggling - what you’re feeling is valid, and it matters. The exhaustion, the disconnection, and the pain you’re describing aren’t things you’d make up; they’re genuine struggles, and you deserve to be supported.
Having to hold it together around your family and only being able to fall apart in private must feel isolating. It's worth saying that you don't have to be strong all the time, Chloe. You can be yourself here for sure. Are there ways we here can help support you? Please keep reaching out - it's okay to need support.
I appreciate that a lot but youve got your own things going on and i dont wanna make you have to deal with it ontop of all the stuff youve got going on yourself and with other friends
It just feels like they wont care no matter what, that being my dad and sisters or even my mum. I love you and everyone here but sometimes i worry im too reliant. And idk i guess i dont need the diagnosis but then i still feel weird for feeling this way.
I just feel i should be able to cope considering ive been through a lot. I should be used to it.
Its just hard as it feels like a diagnosis would explain a lot but then my family is a tricky one where that process just wouldnt really be an option and they probably wouldnt do it. Its just hard because ive grown up my whole life with what i call anxuety but then i dont even know if it is anxiety if im not diagnosed, as well as when i got a bit older what i can only presume is depression but again i dont know and ive also spent my whole life displaying autistic traits but again i dont have any diagnosises.
I know that i dont need the title to feel the way i do but sometimes i just feel so invalid because i go around saying i think i have these things but then theres people who actually do and have it diagnosed and idk i just feel silly i guess.
I dont even know anymore, it feels like im unhelpable atp. I had a whole anxiety attack tonight for absolutely no reason. I was just having fun in GC with everyone and just couldnt breathe at all. Breathing techniques wouldnt work and i scared myself so much. I caused hassle for all the mods and i just feel like i ruined the evening in GC and SC. I ended up finally snapping out of it after curling up on the bathroom floor and zoning out for a bit and it was horrible.
My mental health has taken over my life completely and i hate it
just wanted to say pretty much what the others have said. we are all always here for you and we want you to remember that your feelings are just as important as everyone elses. if you need a place to vent or just let things out of your mind and onto here then that's okay. i know it can be hard when there isn't things like a diagnosis behind your struggles, but the things you go through are still real and valid and you are absolutely not alone. tbh i think i probably have at least some anxiety - i've always been quite an anxious person - although i don't have any official diagnosis for it, so i get the feeling of it seeming invalid to say.
it must be hard to feel like you've gotta carry all of this on your own as well - just try and remember there will always be someone on here to support you when you need, and that
sending you the biggest of hugs
I also just want to echo what the others have said in terms of having a diagnosis or a label. Whether you have a diagnosis or not, it unfortunately won't suddenly change your emotional struggles. How you feel right not without one is completely valid, but I also hear your frustration in struggling with your mental identity. Being able to look at someone who feels the same as you and has the diagnosis can be validating and maybe even bring you a bit of relief, but I hear you that it feels like you're a bit of an imposter. I truly do not believe you're making this up in your head. You have been so brave and strong sharing your struggles with us and we hear you completely. I know I say it in most messages to you but I will keep shouting it from the rooftops: you deserve support Chloe.
I'm curious what your thoughts are around taking the steps to get a diagnosis, like contacting your GP. Is it something you've tried before? Whilst you do not need a diagnosis, I wonder if it would bring you some peace of mind. No pressure to reply to this today Chloe, or to reply at all. Take your time
ive come downstairs for a bit but I'm just crashed on the sofa. Still have no energy.
I just feel like a waste of resources though, i feel like a hopeless case and ill never get better. Im just stuck this way, and feel like a massive broken burden.
I find GP's too triggering so no i havent tried and probably couldnt.I just gotta feel this way until my mental health wins.
I hear you that you find GPs triggering. Do you think having someone with you might help with it? I'm just wondering how you could get some more support or a possible diagnosis if that's what you're looking for. Can I also clarify what you mean by "until my mental health wins"?
I have no one in my life who would and id also still struggle too much. Im too complicated to figure out but in the past ive not had a great experience with GPs so its just completely thrown me off going at all. I havent been in ages. The GPs would probably just throw medication at me like they do with everyone and i dont want medication.
I guess until i lose my battle to mental health. Im safe and have no plans but i just know that im not gonna win against my mental health if im already like this. I cant even see myself getting through college tho so part of me just figures whats the point even thinking about a diagnosis or long term support.
Thing is recently im really not doing myself any good because im losing myself while im trying to help a friend. Within the past 2 weeks theyve attempted 3 times and every time theyve fallen onto me for support and help and i never know what to do but i cant set boundaries. They only feel able to come to me and i guess although it puts pressure on me and also is affecting my mental health, atleast im kinda keeping them here in a way when they do fail an attempt. Im just exhausted but i cant not be there for them
She called back today but Idk how i feel. I should be meeting her next week or the week after which is fine but a little bit after she wants me to meet this Intense CBT guy called Kia. Theyre also on about doing a CRIES assessment on me which i looked into and its a thing linked to PTSD screening but theyre iffy on when theyre doing it as they dont want to bring up too many emotions if they come to see me in college. Theyre also on about maybe referring me for a youth worker so im able to try get out the house more to do things and to try getting me to see there is good and life isnt all bad but idk its all a bit overwhelming in a way atm.
Part of me wants to try running from it and just tell them to stop it all but idk
Understandably having a friend that has had multiple attempts must be very overwhelming and probably quite draining for you. It's so kind of you to be so supportive of your friend but at the same time too you shouldn't push your mental health to one side. I know you mentioned you find it difficult setting boundaries with them and that's okay, but perhaps signposting them to other services might be more beneficial for them as well as you. That way you are still showing you care but are also alleviating the pressure off your shoulders too.
Regarding the intense CBT service you have been referred to, I think that sounds like a step in the right direction. I know it will be scary at first and things may feel overwhelming but these people are trained to ease you in gently and not to stifle you in any way. How do you feel about it? Do you think you might find it useful? At the same time if it doesn't work for you that's okay. CBT is not for everyone but that isn't the end to your options. We can come together to think about what might be the best next step for you.
The CRIES assessment they want to conduct will probably just be to make sure to rule out any possibilities, and it may sound daunting but they will make sure that you are comfortable, and if it's too much you can stop at any time. The people delivering the assessment will guide you through it.
I think assigning you a youth worker is good news too because it will helpfully allow you to learn so coping strategies and being a bit more independent too. Understandably though it will feel overwhelming because it seems they have suggested a lot of things at once, so take your time with it all and just go day by day. There is no rush so just be patient with yourself.
Let us know how it all goes on
I'm struggling but I think atm the exhaustion is taking over massively. Yesterday I spent the whole day on the verge of tears and I don't even know why.
Maybe idk I just don't wanna be a bad friend and they keep going on how I'm the reason they're staying longer
I don't know, at the moment I don't think I'm ready. It's gonna bring up so many emotions and so much from the past which I don't know if I can resurface. My whole life has been just traumatic and alot and in a way I don't want to relive it.
Sorry to hear yesterday was a difficult day. How are you feeling this morning? I am hearing how you’re not wanting to bring it up to your friend as it will bring up some diffcult emotions from before. I can understand how difficult this is. I wonder if maybe another way of explaining to your friend maybe you could do it like a poem or a voice note or something that means that you don’t actually have to have that conversation face-to-face or verbally? Just taking it out your own pace and if you don’t wanna talk about certain things then it could be difficult saying it’s important that you have those boundaries and if you don’t want to talk about something you don’t feel like you have to
You are so brave and amazing and you have gone through so much in your life already are an inspiration to all of us to keep going despite all the challenges, but I can hear how hard it is.
Sending love ❤️