Life feels stuck and I'm mad at myself

RainbowPenguin

So... I feel really stuck in a rut right now. Career wise, life wise, everything really. In so many different ways (and I've got some kind of cold, not much energy, so that's not helping):
- I don't like my job much, except that it pays fairly well, mainly because it's boring work with super early shifts (5 or 6:30 am start often).
- I want to find a new one, or maybe go freelance, but I'm always tired after work and I have to go to bed early most days because of the early starts, and I'm not sure what useful skills I have after over a year of repetitive boring office work
- I want to write non-boring stuff on my blog, and do workshops and stuff to learn new skills, but see above re time and energy
- I'm also trying to study to finally pass my driving theory test, but at the rate I'm going...
- I don't want to keep living with my parents miles away from the city. But rent is so expensive, so then maybe I should save for a house - but then my sector isn't the most well paid so what about the mortgage?
- I want to travel but I'm worried about time, money, etc
- I want to get out and build networks and friendships but because of my shifts I can stay out late in evenings, especially not with the long journey back home
- And of course, I feel like I should be able to solve all those issues and move forward with my fucking goals already, but I've barely even gotten around to writing those goals down and dividing them into smaller bits. And I'm so fucking furious with my stupid self because I can't stop procrastinating, all the time, turning on YouTube videos because it feels like the only way to unfreeze my brain even though it just distracts me. Like, i feel like I'm never going to do or experience anything meaningful or worthwhile on my own because I'm so stupid and useless and pathetic.

Sorry, self-loathing rant over.

eylah

idk what to say but im sending you love and hugs 🫂.

RainbowPenguin

Update: feeling better now. Still flu-y, headache and so on, but I don't feel like shit emotionally at the moment. The insecurities and stuff I talked about... it's still definitely hanging around in my brain lol, but I don't feel like I'm stuck in a downward "you suck in every possible way" spiral right now!
It's really hard being even a little bit sick, especially when I was actually starting to feel more confident about stuff and especially especially on my week off work ☹️ I'm struggling to find a balance between resting and, like, not letting my brain kind of stagnate, if that makes sense?

RainbowPenguin

@eylah thanks 💜 hugs are v much appreciated 💙

eylah

im here if you need to talk . hugs 🫂

Azziman

Hey @RainbowPenguin, thank you for sharing your feelings with us here. It sounds like you have a lot on your mind, and it's a good thing to reflect on where we are in life and whether we're on track with goals that we have in mind, though I'm glad to hear that you're feeling better physically and emotionally.

While you're not happy with several things, it can feel like you're not happy with things wherever you look, and the prospect of trying to turn this all around can feel really daunting. Actually, the way you've outlined this above is really helpful - breaking it down into particular things. Trying to fix "life" is a big task; breaking it down into smaller elements that you can tackle one at a time is more manageable! Out of those tasks, which of them do you feel you should tackle first? It might be the easiest, the most feasible, or the most important one, or perhaps a mix

The very fact that you mention all these things and what you want to achieve says to me that you have hope and ideas of what you want to achieve - two very important ingredients to achieving things that make you feel worthwhile! And of course, we're here to listen and support you through this journey

eylah

RainbowPenguin wrote: »

Update: feeling better now. Still flu-y, headache and so on, but I don't feel like shit emotionally at the moment. The insecurities and stuff I talked about... it's still definitely hanging around in my brain lol, but I don't feel like I'm stuck in a downward "you suck in every possible way" spiral right now!
It's really hard being even a little bit sick, especially when I was actually starting to feel more confident about stuff and especially especially on my week off work ☹️ I'm struggling to find a balance between resting and, like, not letting my brain kind of stagnate, if that makes sense?

i rly hope you feel better soon

RainbowPenguin

Hey @Azziman 🙂 I guess the most important task right now, or the most important big thing, is finding a job with more regular hours. Doing non-work writing (for example on my blog) also comes to mind, as does learning driving, but those are more about smaller regular bursts of work over time.

Tbh though it's really hard to think clearly or feel optimistic about this stuff right now... I still feel exhausted nearly all the time, my head hurts, and I've got one of those hacking chest coughs that takes all the energy left out of you, etc.

I'm just so frustrated that I've been resting and drinking and trying to do everything you're supposed to but after three days I still feel shattered. (Gen note for the group lol -) it has to get better soon right? Plz tell me it will 😢

eylah

RainbowPenguin wrote: »

Hey @Azziman 🙂 I guess the most important task right now, or the most important big thing, is finding a job with more regular hours. Doing non-work writing (for example on my blog) also comes to mind, as does learning driving, but those are more about smaller regular bursts of work over time.

Tbh though it's really hard to think clearly or feel optimistic about this stuff right now... I still feel exhausted nearly all the time, my head hurts, and I've got one of those hacking chest coughs that takes all the energy left out of you, etc.

I'm just so frustrated that I've been resting and drinking and trying to do everything you're supposed to but after three days I still feel shattered. (Gen note for the group lol -) it has to get better soon right? Plz tell me it will 😢

it will get better i believe it will it sounds like your body needs rest to then be ready to fight everything again in future. im sending you so many hugs. 🫂