Everything's just a lot?

Chloe234

The past few days have been really really hard. Ive just been really low and hopeless and its all just a bit much. Thing is im somewhat also kinda getting support yet i just dont feel any better around it. I relapsed on tuesday night with my self harm after managing to stay clean for 3 weeks which just made me feel even shittier. And altho nothing massive is going on little things are and its all just adding up. I have to see my mum on saturday which is going to be so hard considering i dont get on with her so im just gonna have to fake it all and just deal with it and imagine shes not a horrible person. Money is really bad at the moment as well. Dad hasnt addmitted it but debt collectors came to the door earlier trying to find him so it must be bad and its scary because things can get bad once they get involved..I think. College is also pretty shit too. But ill get used to that. Im also just so disconnected from my family and its all just really shit. I just wish everything was better and okay

Lucy_21

I’m so sorry you have so much going on Chloe and yes it doesn’t have to be one big thing that happens to make it matter small things piled up matter just as much and hopelessness in times like that are valid. I’m so proud of you for being SH free for three weeks because although it doesn’t feel like it it is a big accomplishment because yes it doesn’t seem like lot to you but that’s almost a month and honestly just a day is amazing so well done. You can do it hon we’ve got you you can go clean again don’t worry you just hit a bump that’s all. Keep your head up ❤️

Orchid059

I hear how you are hurting at the moment Chloe and you have done so well to reach out. I see you- you're not alone. While you may feel particularly low at the moment remember that this feeling will pass and there's always reason to have hope. You mentioned the support you are seeking out at the moment doesn't seem to be helping you. Is there a reason you feel this way? If its a recent support you've been receiving I would try and keep it up if you can, because it may take time to feel the benefits.

As for your relapse try not to see this as a set-back because you are doing so well- it's important to be patient with yourself and to be kind because you are only human. It's important to note that if these urges get any more frequent and it's feeling too much to reach out to the attached services below.

Call HOPELINEUK on 0800 068 4141 or the Samaritans on 116 123.
Text SHOUT to Shout's textline on 85258.
Call the NHS on 111 and select option 2.

Keep reaching out to let us know how you're getting on because we care for you

JustV

Building on what the others have said @Chloe234, keep in mind that your ability to be self-harm free relies on having the right supports and enough mental space in your life. I can see you've got a lot going on so in a way it's not surprising that you've relapsed - try to think of it as a thing with a cause and effect rather than a personal failure to beat yourself up for.

Also interested in your answer to @Orchid059's question:

Orchid059 wrote: »

. You mentioned the support you are seeking out at the moment doesn't seem to be helping you. Is there a reason you feel this way? If its a recent support you've been receiving I would try and keep it up if you can, because it may take time to feel the benefits.Keep reaching out to let us know how you're getting on because we care for you

Being able to 'troubleshoot' the support you're getting and whether it's helpful/not helpful is a good skill to have, so it might be useful to explore that a bit more.

Chloe234

Thankyou @Orchid059 and @JustV

You mentioned the support you are seeking out at the moment doesn't seem to be helping you. Is there a reason you feel this way? If its a recent support you've been receiving I would try and keep it up if you can, because it may take time to feel the benefits.

I'm just gonna explain it all because it probably won't make sense if not. Since my attempt in February I was re referred to CAMHS (they dismissed my referral before because this multi agency rapid response team got involved when I went into hospital.) And a few weeks ago I got a call to say I'm still on the waiting list but they have this site called silver cloud which they think would be good for me. So they're getting me to work through modules on there and it's basically self CBT.

Through that I have a supporter who does weekly reviews and checks in and stuff. So I've been working through it and it's just been pretty isolating and like it's something they just want me to do to stall me. My supporter is trying to organise something where she can see me though so I can kinda put a face to the name and it'd be a bit less all online which if all goes well will hopefully be next week.

She also told me that they've also got an intense CBT worker who they've assigned me however I don't need to start with him until I'm ready. I'm iffy about that though because it's a male and because of my past sometimes I struggle opening up to males. But atm I kinda just have to wait it out because it's kinda that or nothing.

Self harm
I guess altho then I feel I just should be able to now relapse. One of my main worries about for becoming a teacher is my scars and I feel like all I'm doing is making it an even bigger problem by creating more. Idk I just feel so so shit about it and pathetic for it

amy02

We're here for you @Chloe234 You are doing so well for sharing with us and trying your best. I can definitely understand why the online support may feel isolating - are you able to request a female CBT worker if that's more comfortable for you?

Sending the biggest hug

Chloe234

amy02 wrote: »

We're here for you @Chloe234 You are doing so well for sharing with us and trying your best. I can definitely understand why the online support may feel isolating - are you able to request a female CBT worker if that's more comfortable for you?

Sending the biggest hug

Thankyou @amy02

I could but then I feel like it took so long to even get this that if I ask it'll mess everything up again. I also don't feel comfy enough as I don't want it to appear as me being ungrateful or something. Especially with the fact I'm probably lucky to even have this atp

Chloe234

Ended up having to come into college today just to keep myself safe. Had a really rough night mentally last night and I was supposed to be home alone today but didn't feel I'd be able to stay safe so came in on my day off. Feel so disapointed in myself though for kinda getting this bad again but I guess it's good I took the steps to come to college to avoid being unsafe
(I'm safe)

ella

Hey @Chloe234 ,

I'm so sorry to hear that you had a tricky night. It sounds like you made a really brave decision to go into college today. Are you feeling a bit better now that you're there?

Do you know how you might keep yourself safe tonight? No worries if you don't, that's something we can plan together if you need to!

We're here for you if you need to vent or just need someone to listen.

Sending hugs, friend

Chloe234

Hey @ella

I was thankyou, I'm gonna talk to my tutor next week about the fact I'm struggling so I might end up getting support in college.

I'm not home alone so I should be okay. It might be a rough night but I won't do anything with my family in the house. I just gotta deal with everything.

I was supposed to have a call from my supporter on this silvercloud thing today but she didn't end up calling or doing my review which is a bit iffy and feels a bit shitty but oh well.

Laura_tigger82

Hey @Chloe234. Would you like to share more about how you are currently feeling?

It sounds really difficult that things have got really bad again but glad to hear you feel college and your family can keep you safe.

Do you know when this support might be re-arranged for? I am hearing the disappointment, you were expecting to receive support whilst really struggling and it didn't end up happening

We are here with you and care about you