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How everything really is going…
Rose113
Community Champion Posts: 2,617 Boards Guru
Honestly, im at this point where I don’t know how much longer I can be strong for and I just feel like I’m at a point where I’m like “fuck I really can’t go on like this anymore” things started off okay for awhile well to be honest I was having more “good days” than “okay days” and I felt a big change in me but then the past couple of weeks have happened and I’m just left wanting to scream.
I’ve just been feeling so lost and deflated especially after my friend L going missing, which then I heared from her and now I’m back to supporting her but then I lost my other friend to suicide and it’s just taken a major toll on me and I hate it, I fucking hate it, I wish it had been me and not her, I’m so guilty for being alive yet she’s not even here when she deserves a life unlike me, my heart is just shattered.
Then yesterday being such a horrid and shitty day to deal with because of the guy from TikTok worrying me all because my friend told him to not talk to me because I’m going through my own battles and because I’m a young girl (her words) and then him making me feel crap and guilty over it and then him acting like he was going to commit which caused me to start crying in class and then I had to tell my sound teacher and I could see the look in her eyes because I just broke down into a million pieces and sobbed to the point she had to try guess what I was saying and then her referring me to the safe guarding lady in which she said “I’ll have to call home because your under 18” and I replied back with “I’m 18” she was no fucking help at all, my sound teacher was more helpful.
Then having a flare up last night and today to the point that I couldn’t go into college because I’m in fucking agony with this pain 💔 can’t even get a doctors appointment till November.
I had a chat with someone earlier and I ended up completely breaking down after the chat had ended because for once someone had been listening to me and I felt in control with the conversation and like I wasn’t being treated like a kid that can’t make there own choices or knows what is best for them. Was actually the best conversation I’d ever had…ik that’s so pathetic.
I’m back to crying every night and the bad thoughts are back and I kinda don’t want to go college just because I’ll have that free reign to buy sh objects even tho I know I can’t and shouldn’t…I’m 2 months and 1 day self harm free and I’m so proud of that but part of me just wants to ruin it yk. Nothing feels worth it. How do I stay alive knowing that my friend should be alive and not me 💔
I’m just so mentally done…I’m sorry 💔
I’ve just been feeling so lost and deflated especially after my friend L going missing, which then I heared from her and now I’m back to supporting her but then I lost my other friend to suicide and it’s just taken a major toll on me and I hate it, I fucking hate it, I wish it had been me and not her, I’m so guilty for being alive yet she’s not even here when she deserves a life unlike me, my heart is just shattered.
Then yesterday being such a horrid and shitty day to deal with because of the guy from TikTok worrying me all because my friend told him to not talk to me because I’m going through my own battles and because I’m a young girl (her words) and then him making me feel crap and guilty over it and then him acting like he was going to commit which caused me to start crying in class and then I had to tell my sound teacher and I could see the look in her eyes because I just broke down into a million pieces and sobbed to the point she had to try guess what I was saying and then her referring me to the safe guarding lady in which she said “I’ll have to call home because your under 18” and I replied back with “I’m 18” she was no fucking help at all, my sound teacher was more helpful.
Then having a flare up last night and today to the point that I couldn’t go into college because I’m in fucking agony with this pain 💔 can’t even get a doctors appointment till November.
I had a chat with someone earlier and I ended up completely breaking down after the chat had ended because for once someone had been listening to me and I felt in control with the conversation and like I wasn’t being treated like a kid that can’t make there own choices or knows what is best for them. Was actually the best conversation I’d ever had…ik that’s so pathetic.
I’m back to crying every night and the bad thoughts are back and I kinda don’t want to go college just because I’ll have that free reign to buy sh objects even tho I know I can’t and shouldn’t…I’m 2 months and 1 day self harm free and I’m so proud of that but part of me just wants to ruin it yk. Nothing feels worth it. How do I stay alive knowing that my friend should be alive and not me 💔
I’m just so mentally done…I’m sorry 💔
Want to hurt me… go ahead
Wish to bully me…I’m used to it
Want to talk crap about me…go on then
Want to make me cry…feel free
Wish to bully me…I’m used to it
Want to talk crap about me…go on then
Want to make me cry…feel free
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Comments
Keeping going rose we are Sending you hugs and thinking of you❤️