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struggling with urges.

eylaheylah Posts: 4,396 Community Veteran
in Health & Wellbeing
struggling with sh urges rn im missing my mum sm rn its upsetting me bc ive lost the only person who i was staying alive for now i have noone. im alone broken a broken mess. i tried reaching out bc i was rly struggling but instead was told to stop bothering ppl which has upset me sm. i am omly 2 days free from sh so its rly hard bc even though mum isnt here i dont want to let her down. i hate myself and dont want to do my life without her but i will. :( im safe. i am just struggling with everything bc i have to live with my sbusive dad which has caused me sm fear bc hes so obnoxious and nasty. :(
keep your face always toward the sunshine and shadows will fall behind you. 🤍

Comments

  • toffuna101toffuna101 Posts: 1,502 Extreme Poster
    sendings hugs @eylah it sucks that the support groups are down right now otherwise youd be able to vent there. since youre 18 you could reach out to childline as they cater for under 19s. but its your choice.
  • eylaheylah Posts: 4,396 Community Veteran
    i dont trust childline or any helpline bc they break confidentiality so i dont reach out plus dad had ago at me other day bc had police out so. thankyou though..
    keep your face always toward the sunshine and shadows will fall behind you. 🤍
  • toffuna101toffuna101 Posts: 1,502 Extreme Poster
    yeah thats true. childline has set rules of confidentiality, so if you reveal you self-harm they can only break it if youre at risk to yourself or others. i revealed that i self-harmed once and they didnt break it, but that may be different depending on the severity of the wound.
  • eylaheylah Posts: 4,396 Community Veteran
    all times i told them they called police so i dont trust them or any helpline. plus i cant afford going hospital bc my mum died in that hospital and bc of triggering past experiences so im just gonna struggle bc im just yeah. :/
    keep your face always toward the sunshine and shadows will fall behind you. 🤍
  • toffuna101toffuna101 Posts: 1,502 Extreme Poster
    i understand that. hopefully you dont have to go into A&E or hospital. you always have the mix to fall back on in case things get worse.
  • eylaheylah Posts: 4,396 Community Veteran
    plus if i do anything id be letting mum down bc i told her before we let her gain her beautiful wings to heaven is i would keep strong for her. :( ( safe dw).
    keep your face always toward the sunshine and shadows will fall behind you. 🤍
  • eylaheylah Posts: 4,396 Community Veteran
    everything is getting to me rn im crying bc i miss my mum :(.
    keep your face always toward the sunshine and shadows will fall behind you. 🤍
  • toffuna101toffuna101 Posts: 1,502 Extreme Poster
    its normal to cry during grief; it gets all of your emotions out.
  • eylaheylah Posts: 4,396 Community Veteran
    sat here having a panic attack bc i was asleep and i thought of mum thinking she came back im struggling sm rn. :(
    keep your face always toward the sunshine and shadows will fall behind you. 🤍
  • EmLizEmLiz Moderator, Staff Posts: 50 Boards Initiate
    edited September 18
    @eylah I can't begin to imagine what you're going through - I'm sending you so so much love and strength during such a difficult time. I'm so sorry you're going through such a painful time right now. It's completely understandable that you're feeling overwhelmed, especially after losing someone so close to you. Grief can be incredibly hard to cope with, and it's okay to feel sad, lost, or even angry right now.

    I completely understand your concerns about confidentiality, and it's totally valid to feel hesitant to reach out to helplines. From what I know, these services only break confidentiality if they feel you're in serious danger. If you ever feel ready or able to, they could provide some extra support to talk through your thoughts and feelings <3. They're really there to help during times like this.

    I'm really glad to hear that you're staying safe, even though I know it’s incredibly hard. I'm just sharing some resources just in case you need them for immediate support at any point:
    Crisis Messenger (24/7) | text THEMIX to 85258
    Samartians (24/7) | call 116 123 | email jo@samaritans.org

    Are there any other friends, family, or people you feel safe talking to about how you're feeling right now? Sometimes sharing with someone in your close circle can also make things feel a little lighter.

    Please remember to be gentle with yourself. You’re going through so much, and it’s okay to take things one step at a time. You deserve kindness, especially from yourself. As always, we're here for you whenever you need us. <3

  • eylaheylah Posts: 4,396 Community Veteran
    i have noone… literally only got my obnoxious dad so ill be alone in this bc i am done with everything.
    keep your face always toward the sunshine and shadows will fall behind you. 🤍
  • eylaheylah Posts: 4,396 Community Veteran
    only person who ever cared abt me is dead so no i dont. im not txting shout bc they call police helplines are not helpful. im fine.
    keep your face always toward the sunshine and shadows will fall behind you. 🤍
  • AzzimanAzziman Moderator, Community Champion Posts: 2,060 Boards Champion
    Hey @eylah, just wanted to reach out and check in on how you're doing today? I'm so sorry to hear that you're going through a painful time, and can understand how hard this is for you given your situation with your father.

    I hear that you're hesitant around using services due to confidentiality, based on your past experiences. I wanted to suggest some alternative ways that might help you to express your emotions. A diary/journal could be a helpful outlet for you to express yourself. And of course, please feel free to keep using this space to talk about how you're feeling too.

    Please do your best to look after yourself given the situation, and remember that we're here to listen to you and support you through this difficult time <3
    FAQ | How to report a post | How to report spam
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  • eylaheylah Posts: 4,396 Community Veteran
    Azziman wrote: »
    Hey @eylah, just wanted to reach out and check in on how you're doing today? I'm so sorry to hear that you're going through a painful time, and can understand how hard this is for you given your situation with your father.

    I hear that you're hesitant around using services due to confidentiality, based on your past experiences. I wanted to suggest some alternative ways that might help you to express your emotions. A diary/journal could be a helpful outlet for you to express yourself. And of course, please feel free to keep using this space to talk about how you're feeling too.

    Please do your best to look after yourself given the situation, and remember that we're here to listen to you and support you through this difficult time <3

    sry for the late reply im not gd at all these are getting rly heavy to handle im rly struggling with these thoughts but im gonna try reach out without having them called. thankyou <3
    keep your face always toward the sunshine and shadows will fall behind you. 🤍
  • Laura_tigger82Laura_tigger82 Moderator Posts: 5,299 Part of The Furniture
    You are doing so well reaching out to us @eylah, especially with the impact of losing your mum recently and recent self-harm.

    Did you manage to reach out to the services you were thinking about contacting? If so, we are here for you if you would like to talk to us more about how this went for you.

    We are here for you! Although you don't want to let your mum down, she will be watching you with pride at your courage to keep fighting through this <3
    FAQ | How to report a post | How to report spam
    I'm a community moderator. I'm here to help guide discussions and make sure Community Guidelines are followed. I can't send DMs, but you can message @TheMix or email community@themix.org.uk with questions or concerns.
  • eylaheylah Posts: 4,396 Community Veteran
    Laura_tigger82 wrote: »
    You are doing so well reaching out to us @eylah, especially with the impact of losing your mum recently and recent self-harm.

    Did you manage to reach out to the services you were thinking about contacting? If so, we are here for you if you would like to talk to us more about how this went for you.

    We are here for you! Although you don't want to let your mum down, she will be watching you with pride at your courage to keep fighting through this <3

    i did reach out but stopped halfway through bc they once again mentioned emergency services so i stopped talking to them bc i dont want to deal with that hassel and yeah im missing mum sm :(.
    keep your face always toward the sunshine and shadows will fall behind you. 🤍
  • Orchid059Orchid059 Moderator Posts: 294 The Mix Regular
    Hi @eylah what your experiencing right now must be imaginable and I am so sorry for your loss. At this time just be patient with yourself and give yourself time to grieve. I understand your reluctance to go through emergency services considering your past situations with them. Perhaps booking an appointment with your GP might help as they will best be able to signpost you to the appropriate bereavement services. Do you have any extended family perhaps that you might be able to look to for support? At this time it is important to be surrounded by support, so of course continue to post on here too, as we are always here for you.

    While it may feel particuarly painful right now, the pain will eventually dull and will become more manageable. You are doing so well and you are so brave. You are not alone through all this- we are here for you every step of the way. <3
  • eylaheylah Posts: 4,396 Community Veteran
    im waiting on therapy anyway so wont do much if i go back bc shes done all she can. i dont have noone my nan and grandpa are dead unfortunately so i only have dad and sister who are not supportive. so im alone ehich us shit bc fighting my head is to much its to much for me rn im struggling.
    keep your face always toward the sunshine and shadows will fall behind you. 🤍
  • eylaheylah Posts: 4,396 Community Veteran
    i might have cancer so im struggling sm im fighting everything im going through abuse every day i give up from it all. im safe
    keep your face always toward the sunshine and shadows will fall behind you. 🤍
  • AoifeAoife Community Manager Posts: 3,228 Boards Guru
    I'm so sorry to hear this, @eylah <3

    It sounds incredibly tough, especially with the uncertainty around your results and the situation at home. I'm really glad you're safe at the moment and continuing to fight these feelings.

    I can hear how isolated you're feeling right now, and that can be such a hard place to be in. It sounds like you're not completely comfortable with Shout anymore, especially with the possibility of emergency services being involved which is understandable. Have you considered trying Samaritans? They're known for being good with confidentiality which might help you feel a bit more comfy reaching out. Have you used their services before?

    You're doing so well, Eylah. Just keep taking it one day at a time :star:
    Maybe somethings don't get better, but we do. We get stronger. We learn to live with our situations as messy and ugly as they are. We fix what we can and we adapt to what we can't. Maybe some of us will never fully be okay, but at least we're here. We're still trying. We're doing the best we can. That's worth celebrating too ❤
  • eylaheylah Posts: 4,396 Community Veteran
    thankyou sm @Aoife i appreciate this sm your kind words have made me feel better thankyou sm <3. i have tried them i do like them especially there webchat its so helpful bc i dont like calling so it helps sm :). i have just started new meds bc of deficiencies and stuff and im taking 6 plus meds every day ik its not a lot but it is for me bc i dont like pills. thankyou sm <3. im trying my best is all i can do bc im human and my best is what i can do i dont want to force myself to do well all time bc im allowed down days. thankyou again.<3
    keep your face always toward the sunshine and shadows will fall behind you. 🤍
  • amy02amy02 Moderator Posts: 330 The Mix Regular
    Sending love @eylah we are so proud of you for trying your best <3
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