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Confusion
Former Member
Posts: 24 Boards Initiate
Hi everyone, I found this website after searching the internet for support with my situation. I am hoping to find others who can maybe relate.
This has been on my mind a lot recently I've been feeling confused and actually quite annoyed and embarrassed about it and I think finding others who can relate will help me feel better.
When I was about 8, my parents took me to Somalia to see my family. While we were there, my family took me to a woman in the village and something happened that I didn’t understand at the time but now i understand it as being castrated. My family said it was normal and that all girls go through it. They told me it was a part of our culture and that it made me clean.
I believed them for years and didn’t think much about it, in fact. I didn't think about it at all but a couple of months ago I was with my girl friends. We'd had a couple of drinks and ordered food and decided to watch a programme called naked attraction. We had a bit of a laugh and my friends started comparing their bodies and their 'private parts' to the women's on the TV. They jokingly asked me to point out which one looked most like mine to which i replied "none of them, i'm castrated". Obviously this was a big shock to them and it was a big shock me too because I had just assumed it was the most normal things in the world - apparently not. My friends are just the kindest, most supportive people ever. They didn't ask me questions but they each reached out to me once i'd gone home expressing their concern over what i'd said. So i decided to google female castration.
I’ve been trying to read up on female castration, and the more I learn, the more worried I get. I’m scared because I don’t know what this means for my future, if i can have children, if i can get married.
Has anyone here been through anything similar and can offer some support or advice? Sorry for the long post.
This has been on my mind a lot recently I've been feeling confused and actually quite annoyed and embarrassed about it and I think finding others who can relate will help me feel better.
When I was about 8, my parents took me to Somalia to see my family. While we were there, my family took me to a woman in the village and something happened that I didn’t understand at the time but now i understand it as being castrated. My family said it was normal and that all girls go through it. They told me it was a part of our culture and that it made me clean.
I believed them for years and didn’t think much about it, in fact. I didn't think about it at all but a couple of months ago I was with my girl friends. We'd had a couple of drinks and ordered food and decided to watch a programme called naked attraction. We had a bit of a laugh and my friends started comparing their bodies and their 'private parts' to the women's on the TV. They jokingly asked me to point out which one looked most like mine to which i replied "none of them, i'm castrated". Obviously this was a big shock to them and it was a big shock me too because I had just assumed it was the most normal things in the world - apparently not. My friends are just the kindest, most supportive people ever. They didn't ask me questions but they each reached out to me once i'd gone home expressing their concern over what i'd said. So i decided to google female castration.
I’ve been trying to read up on female castration, and the more I learn, the more worried I get. I’m scared because I don’t know what this means for my future, if i can have children, if i can get married.
Has anyone here been through anything similar and can offer some support or advice? Sorry for the long post.
7
Comments
I also know its not legal for someone to put there child through in the UK but it may be legal on other countries but also what happened to you was extremely wrong. You dodnt deserve it at all.
I read a few years ago that there is a surgery that you can have to essentially "fix" what happened but then again I'm not sure for certain. Would you be able to talk to your gp
Wish to bully me…I’m used to it
Want to talk crap about me…go on then
Want to make me cry…feel free
I'm so sorry this happened to you, no wonder you're confused and worried
I just found this organization which provides help and advice to women and girls who have experienced FGM, among other things - here's the link in case it's useful
but let this sink in
you do not have to fight by yourself
~ lyrics from Willow by The Little Unsaid
I think you are both right about the term and It looks like It was indeed FGM. I don't even know what to say. I should have figured this out sooner.
I'll think more about going to see my GP. The thought of showing anyone, especially a professional makes me feel anxious. I guess it must bring back memories of the trauma. My friend offered to go with me but I said that I'm not ready yet.
Thank you so much for that link, that website is so informative. It debunked so many myths that I was fed by my parents and other family members.
This whole situation has made me feel unwell and it brings back so many memories of the pain and trauma i experienced.
I appreciate your replies, thank you
As far as I know, you could make a GP appointment just to talk about it, and then if you felt comfortable enough with the doctor you can decide whether to have an examination or not. You could even make a phone appointment to start with so that you know you'll only be speaking to them. If you're able to explain your anxiety around this I'm sure they would understand and be very sensitive about it (in fact I'm sure they would be anyway, but I know that doesn't necessarily quell the anxiety). You can specifically ask for a female doctor if that helps.
Also, please don't be hard on yourself or think you 'should' have figured this out sooner, there is absolutely nothing about this which is your fault
but let this sink in
you do not have to fight by yourself
~ lyrics from Willow by The Little Unsaid
Thank you so much for the reassurance, perhaps I am being a little hard on myself
I'm so pleased to hear that you have such a supportive bunch of friends who are looking out for you. It sounds like we all need friends like yours.
I want to say that none of this is your fault and what happened to you is not okay. Nobody is allowed to hurt you physically or emotionally, and your feelings matter. All women and girls have the right to control what happens to their bodies. FGM is a very upsetting and distressing experience and it’s important to remember that it's wrong and you don’t need to go through this alone. Childline/NPSCC have a helpful guide which you might like to take a look over.
It's worth sharing with you that FGM (and being taken from the UK abroad for FGM) is not allowed in this country and you are entitled to report these things yourself, although this is entirely your decision. The staff team will drop you a DM just to check in with you privately on this too to make sure you're feeling supported.
It's really positive to hear you say that you'll try booking a phone appointment with your GP to discuss this. It's important you're feeling supported as I'm hearing that things are feeling uncertain in terms of your future and you're worried about being married and having kids yourself. There are lots of lovely support services available to you who can support you with exploring these kinds of things, including supporting you with your sexual health now and in the future. I've popped some links to services below that we'd recommend having a look into:
As has been shared above, FORWARD provides advice, one-to-one support and signposting to other services for women and girls affected by any form of violence - you can call them on 020 8960 4000 (Monday to Friday from 9.30am to 5.30pm) or email at support@forwarduk.org.uk
You can still contact NSPCC and Childline at 18 - NSPCC wants to make sure you get support if you or someone you know is worried about FGM so they’ve got a helpline just for these kinds of worries. You can contact the NSPCC helpline by emailing fgmhelp@nspcc.org.uk or calling free on 0800 028 3550. You can see Childline's advice around FGM here.
Karma Nirvana is a national charity supporting victims of honour-based abuse and forced marriages. They recognise that honour crimes are not determined by age, faith, gender or sexuality and so they work with and support all victims. They have a helpline offering direct support and guidance to victims, those at risk and if you are concerned that someone else is at risk. Their helpline number is 0800 5999 247. This is open Monday-Friday 9am-5pm. To find out more, their website is: https://karmanirvana.org.uk/
Refuge supports women through all forms of violence and abuse. This includes FGM. They offer community support, access to refuges, advocacy, culturally-specific services for women from minority ethnic groups who may be facing additional barriers and much more. You can access support via their helpline number 0808 2000 247 and this is open 365 days a year, 24 hours of the day. Alternatively, you can send a message via a form on the website with details of how and when someone can get in touch with you safely.They also operate a webchat which is open Monday to Friday 3pm-10pm. As this is mainly a support service for women and their children, they are limited in the support that they can offer men, but they may be able to support through one of their one stop shops or online community. For more information, visit their website: https://www.refuge.org.uk/
I'm not sure where you're based but Women & Girls Network (WGN) offers a range of advice, practical help, counselling and signposting options for women and girls across London affected by gendered violence. This includes, but is not limited to, childhood sexual abuse, domestic violence and rape. This service is free, women-only and survivor-led. They have a dedicated young women's team for those aged 11-25, and they support all self-identifying young women, including non-binary people who feel that this service would best support them through your experiences. They also have a sexual violence line which is open to people of all genders on 0808 801 0860. Their advice line is 0808 801 0660 and is open 10am - 4pm Monday to Friday and additional hours of 6-9pm on Wednesdays. Their email is advice@wgn.org.uk You can find out more on their website: https://www.wgn.org.uk/
We're sending you lots of hugs and strength. Keep reaching out - we're here for you and we care about you.
I just wanted to thank you all for your support, kind words and sign posting. It has been really helpful.
A little update :
I had a face to face appointment booked on Friday with my GP. I had every intention of telling her about my situation but I buckled under the pressure and I just said that i'm struggling with headaches. I was instantly disappointed with myself but I don't think i'm ready to voice it out loud yet.
I got in touch with my mum to talk about it some more, we have quite a difficult relationship and initially she the conversation went ok. She was telling me the same stuff, that it's normal, it makes us clean etc but then she started to get angry that I was asking so many questions and questioning her answers.
She told me that i'm a disgrace and no daughter of hers. I think she will calm down soon but only time will tell.
It's so frustrating but that's where i'm at right now.
How are you feeling about having got in touch with your mum to talk about it some more? You deserve to be able to ask questions. Do you have any questions which you would like to ask us? We can try and answer your questions and signpost you to further resources that might be best placed to answer your questions if this is more appropriate.
You do not deserve to be told words like "you are a disgrace or daughter of hers". I recognise you have a difficult relationship with your mum but you deserve to be treated with kindness and respect. What might help in the meantime whilst your mum calms down? We are here for you and hear your frustration
It's okay to not feel ready to voice it out loud yet. You're doing really well to talk with us here and you can go at your own pace - whatever you feel comfy with.
I'm wondering if you have considered looking into contacting any of the support services we signposted you to above? They have specialised knowledge in this area and we'd hope you find some real understanding from them around what you've been through and next steps in getting you some support. Some of them offer text-based services which you might find more comfortable - for example, Refuge have a webchat service and Forward also have an email service that you can contact.
I'm sorry to hear that the conversation with your mum went like this - like has been shared above, you don't deserve to be spoken to in this way. It sounds so difficult to manage such a strained relationship with your parents and your mum in particular and I'm sorry that she got angry at your questions. Childline have a lot of info on FGM and a link to a statement opposing FGM which they say young people can show to parents - these resources might be useful in conversations you're having with your parents.
Please remember that you're not alone and there is support out there for you. No matter what has been said to you, what happened to you is wrong and you're deserving of love and kindness.
Thank you for taking the time to respond, you have been so kind. I feel okay after talking to my mum, I had expected the conversation to go in the direction it took so I was more than prepared for what happened. I've been keeping my mind occupied with work and seeing friends so I haven't had a lot of time to think about it which is good because I know that I'd keep getting worked up.
Hey @Gemma
Thank you so much again for your support. The signposting has been so helpful. I was feeling upset and pressured after talking to my mum so I did read over the list of sign posting. I reached out to karmanirvana and we chatted. They're supposed to call me back Thursday
The statement is brilliant, if mum ever replies or gets in touch again i'll remember to consider showing her that
Thank you both again, this website has been my saving grace. You have all helped me so much!
You're doing so well sharing this with us and talking to your mum - we're all really proud of you
Sending big hugs and I hope you have a good evening! We're here for you.
I just wanted to update this post to say that I've since reported my parents (my father in particular) to the police after receiving some horrible threats. I'm not sure if the police have taken my report entirely seriously but only time will tell. I spoke to 2 male officers who seemed to invalidate and not realise the depth behind the threats my family send me. When I spoke with them directly I briefly mentioned the castration to which they asked quite insensitive questions, or asked them in a direct way. I'm not sure which, but the one officer pulled a disgusted face, almost a wince, which made me feel awful.
The issue is still being dealt with but the whole experience so far with the police has been wholly uncomfortable and not very reassuring.
I've decided to stay with a friend while this is ongoing. Stress stress stress.
The charity Karma Nirvana checked up on me again, they suggested I ask for a Liaison officer so i've done that and they told me to keep being persistent until they listen and take my report seriously. I just have to wait now and see what comes of this.
What a horrible experience with the police. It's disappointing and frustrating when they don't respond in the way we need them to. The reactions and questions from the officers sound incredibly insensitive and invalidating, and it's understandable that this made you feel awful. You deserve to be heard and treated with respect and empathy.
I'm glad to hear that you're staying with a friend during this time. It's good that you have someone supportive to be with while you navigate this. Karma Nirvana's advice to ask for a Liaison Officer sounds like a positive step. Being persistent can be really tough, but it's important that your report is taken seriously.
While you're staying with your friend, are there things that could help you manage the stress, even just a little bit? It might be helpful to find small ways to take care of yourself during this time.
How are you feeling about the support you've received from Karma Nirvana and your friend? It sounds like they're providing some of the understanding and advice that you need right now. You've done so well to reach out to them.
Keep us updated @Anonymoose1
That sounds so stressful and frightening, I'm so sorry
You're doing really well
but let this sink in
you do not have to fight by yourself
~ lyrics from Willow by The Little Unsaid