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Struggling (TW)
Former Member
Posts: 19 Settling in
I've been really struggling recently. Since an incident at the beginning of the week which resulted in the police and an ambulance being called on me, I've self-harmed almost every day and done more. I also haven't been taking my medication and I'm worrying more and more that I'm the cause of my friend's death a couple years ago because i told her i was being watched and I worry she was killed because of it. I recently told another friend after getting quite drunk at a party and now I'm worried that I'm going to lead to the death of that friend too. I feel like my mental health services care coordinator doesn't care but at the same time I don't want him to care because I don't want them to think I'm too high risk or anything. We've had a few 1 minute conversations recently but they've just been to tell me to come for my medication (which i won't do). I've been trying to distract myself but it's really starting to feel like what's the point and I'm running out of distractions - I've played piano, played a game, tidied my room, tried reading (but couldn't concentrate), rang a helpline (who broke my confidentiality which annoyed me) and more. I feel super stuck.
I can't even tell why I'm struggling. I haven't been stressed at all. I recently finished my exams so don't have that to worry about (apart from the results). Everything is also OK at home, like my parents are getting along and my dad hasn't been drinking. It's just so frustrating and confusing. I'm also meant to have a job interview next week but I don't feel well enough for it but will feel bad if I cancel.
I can't even tell why I'm struggling. I haven't been stressed at all. I recently finished my exams so don't have that to worry about (apart from the results). Everything is also OK at home, like my parents are getting along and my dad hasn't been drinking. It's just so frustrating and confusing. I'm also meant to have a job interview next week but I don't feel well enough for it but will feel bad if I cancel.
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Comments
I firstly just wanted to check in with you as I'm hearing you have self-harmed almost every day this week - can you let us know if you're feeling safe after self-harming?
The organisation Mind has a great article with some tips on coping with urges to SH. There are also apps like Calm Harm and distrACT with tips and techniques on coping with SH - we'd always recommend trying these things out.
It sounds like you've been going through a lot and so it's understandable that your mental health would be impacted by this. When you say you are worried you were the cause of your friend's death as you told her you were being watched, would you feel comfy sharing a bit more about this with us? It sounds like you're having similar worries about a current friend of yours - do you know what is causing these worries?
I'm hearing that you've also stopped your medication. We know that stopping medication without medical advice can have serious side effects and so we'd really urge you to reach out for some medical support around this (this could be from your GP, mental health services, or NHS 111).
I can see you're doing so much to look after yourself in trying lots of distraction techniques. I'm sorry to hear these haven't all been helpful. Do keep reaching out here and talking. There are lots of people who care about you, us included.
If things are every feeling difficult, do reach out to these lovely services below:
*Local urgent mental health helpline | Open 24/7 | Find details about your local service here.
*Crisis Messenger - Our crisis messenger text service provides free, 24/7 crisis support across the UK. If you’re aged 25 or under, you can text THEMIX to 85258.
*Papyrus - If you are having thoughts of suicide, you can contact HOPELINEUK for confidential support and practical advice. You can call them on 0800 068 4141 or text them on 07786209697.
*Samaritans are reachable by phone and email 24/7. Whatever you're going through, you can call them any time, from any phone on 116 123.
The staff team will also drop you a DM just to check in to make sure you're being supported.
With respect to my friend, she was the first person that I told I thought was being watched all the time, and I knew i shouldnt have told her and she died a few later and now I'm just worried about the same thing happening again. But otherwise I don't know why I'm worrying about it now.
I know I shouldn't have stopped my medication but I can't get it out of my head that people are monitoring my thoughts more and that scares me, especially because I'm having bad thoughts.
I wanted to reflect on something from your earlier post. It stood out to me that you described some incredibly heavy and intense stuff going for you mentally, then in the second paragraph said "I can't even tell why I'm struggling" followed by reasons why you should be happier.
Humans do this a lot - we're logic machines by nature, so if our mental health is bad we like to try and find concrete, real-world causes. But the truth is we can have lives that look good on paper and still be struggling (even severely) because our minds are complicated things. It's also possible that there is a root cause or a blocker that you're not aware of.
We're basically just living bags of meat so we often don't make logical sense.
On a serious note though, it sounds to me like you've got a LOT on your shoulders right now and it completely makes sense in my mind why you'd be struggling - carrying guilt about your friend's death(!), a medication change, anxieties about being watched, not being cared about by your support network, and an encounter with emergency services. Sounds like you need to give yourself some slack because that's stress if I've ever heard it.
Do you mind if I ask how your friend died? And what is your medication for?
You're doing well, even if it doesn't feel like it.
my friend apparently took her own life. It was actually around this time a couple years ago which I didn't realise until just now. That might be one of the things triggering me right now.
I take medication for symptoms associated with depression (which occasionally comes with psychosis but rarely).
I actually spoke with my care coordinator today and he unfortunately made me feel a bit worse. He's a little dismissive but I don't think he means to come across like that, or at least i hope he doesn't.
Is there someone else that you could talk to about how you feel - your parents or another family member, or perhaps someone at school that you trust? Of course, you're always welcome to express your feelings on here as well - we're here to support you through this. And best of luck for your interview - do your best!
I actually didn't do the interview in the end. I'm finding it a bit harder to gather my thoughts properly so thought I would've done awfully. I might try and do some volunteering though, kind of feels like less pressure.
I know it might feel nerve-wracking to talk to the psychiatrist tomorrow, but remember they're there to help. They won't judge you, and their goal is to understand what you're going through and work with you to find ways to feel better.
I've come up with a few options for you:
Maybe you could mention that the conversation with your coordinator was difficult. Sometimes just acknowledging that can make it easier to open up about what's really going on.
Focus on how you're feeling - what's been difficult, what scares you, and how you see yourself feeling better.
The most important thing is to be honest with the psychiatrist. They can't help you properly if they don't know what's going on.
I know some of these things wont come easy, which is completely okay. Just take your time and maybe even write down what you'd like from the session and take the list with you?
Would you like to talk some more about what you might say to the psychiatrist tomorrow?
Sending hugs!