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Secondary school
JJLemon18
Community Champion Posts: 2,061 Boards Champion
Just something I want to ramble/rant about.
Secondary school has been a very awkward and stressful experience for me - its safe to say I was very 'weird'. I talked as little as possible and would avoid as much social contact as possible... but not really... I actually liked everyone's company, although I was never 'close' to anyone and I havent had any real friends (more just 'people I would be around and spend time with'), but I doubt any of them felt the same way about me, I always felt clingy and annoying, and had a feeling that I just bothered everyone by my presence. Regardless. None of them know about this, but I kinda miss them a lot...
I regret so much being so quiet and closed off, I wish things were different, I wish I was different. But that's in the past now, I can't change it. I missed those experience and I will never get them back. But I still think about it a lot
In fact, almost half of the dreams I have at night are somehow related to secondary school (or more just the people from my school). They usually involve some kind of 'final' event or a reunion of sorts, which I believe reflects the real life prom I've been to, which is a sad experience I wont ever forget it seems. But my last dream was very vivid and especially sad, it made me feel miserable for the past couple of days:
It was a dream where we had a fun final event with everyone from seconary school, where we'd meet for the last time (although I only remember being with a small number of my 'friends'. Basically I didn't see everyone, which is even more sad). We all cried wishing we get to see each other again some day, at least once. I also remember telling them that "I used to cry at night thinking we'd never meet again, and regretting not making the the most of secondary school", which was me refering the the dreams I have about secondary school... IN THE DREAM ITSELF.
I was literally crying to someone in my dream, about crying to them in my dreams, as I'm unaware of the fact that I'm in a dream crying to them about crying about them in my dreams... Isn't that crazy??
Anyways.
Tl;dr I regret a lot, and this is something that seems to constantly stick with me and make be feel bad.
I wish I could contact some of those people and catch up with them somehow, let them know how much I appreciated their company and how much I've changed since. But I dunno how to do that, I dunno who to message anyway, and I doubt they care about me anymore regardless (if they ever did in the first place)
I can only wish of some kind of reunion where everyone is there and we catch up with one another, even just once... but I know that's never really going to happen.
Its the past, man. It keeps dragging me down and I can't seem to let go.
But alright, enough me rambling for now. Thanks for reading!
Secondary school has been a very awkward and stressful experience for me - its safe to say I was very 'weird'. I talked as little as possible and would avoid as much social contact as possible... but not really... I actually liked everyone's company, although I was never 'close' to anyone and I havent had any real friends (more just 'people I would be around and spend time with'), but I doubt any of them felt the same way about me, I always felt clingy and annoying, and had a feeling that I just bothered everyone by my presence. Regardless. None of them know about this, but I kinda miss them a lot...
I regret so much being so quiet and closed off, I wish things were different, I wish I was different. But that's in the past now, I can't change it. I missed those experience and I will never get them back. But I still think about it a lot
In fact, almost half of the dreams I have at night are somehow related to secondary school (or more just the people from my school). They usually involve some kind of 'final' event or a reunion of sorts, which I believe reflects the real life prom I've been to, which is a sad experience I wont ever forget it seems. But my last dream was very vivid and especially sad, it made me feel miserable for the past couple of days:
It was a dream where we had a fun final event with everyone from seconary school, where we'd meet for the last time (although I only remember being with a small number of my 'friends'. Basically I didn't see everyone, which is even more sad). We all cried wishing we get to see each other again some day, at least once. I also remember telling them that "I used to cry at night thinking we'd never meet again, and regretting not making the the most of secondary school", which was me refering the the dreams I have about secondary school... IN THE DREAM ITSELF.
I was literally crying to someone in my dream, about crying to them in my dreams, as I'm unaware of the fact that I'm in a dream crying to them about crying about them in my dreams... Isn't that crazy??
Anyways.
Tl;dr I regret a lot, and this is something that seems to constantly stick with me and make be feel bad.
I wish I could contact some of those people and catch up with them somehow, let them know how much I appreciated their company and how much I've changed since. But I dunno how to do that, I dunno who to message anyway, and I doubt they care about me anymore regardless
(if they ever did in the first place)I can only wish of some kind of reunion where everyone is there and we catch up with one another, even just once... but I know that's never really going to happen.
Its the past, man. It keeps dragging me down and I can't seem to let go.
But alright, enough me rambling for now. Thanks for reading!
Believe in me - who believes in you
4
Comments
Assume there IS someone from school who's curious how I'm doing - there is no way of them ever getting in contact with me, I am pretty much completely hidden from social media. I have a Facebook account but there's nothing on it, and no way of someone knowing its me (not mentioning that the account looks like I dont exist lol). I literally set it up the day after prom for the sole purpose to stay in contact with some people, but I've only friended a small number of people (only a few that I was comfortable with), and I did send the occasional "happy birthday" to some but that's about it
It sounds like you have been heavily affected by this recently. As @Sunshine12 mentioned it may be an idea to possibly go on Facebook and try and connect with old friends or aquantices because you never know they may actually want to connect with you and catch up on things. I know this sounds easier said than done but sometimes the first step is to try and make that contact or connection. You sound and seem like a lovely genuine person so I can't see why they woulden't want to connect with you and catch up. You could even arrange to have a mini sort of gathering to chat over memories and stuff. However, I know this sounds easier said than done and it depends on how you feel on wanting to connect with people in the past. Im always here too if you need someone to chat to about anything
Hugs,
Amy22
To be honest, after I left school I had dreams about my old friends, and I’d wake up sad to know I’d never see them again, and I had no way of contacting them. They moved on and forgot about me. Friendships are so unbelievably confusing.
I don’t know what advice to give you, sorry I’m just rambling on. But know you’re not alone in this. And I suppose most people probably have regrets from secondary school. You got through it though, secondary school is hard!!
@Sunshine12 @Amy22
First of all, i really appreciate you saying this about me, but I really aren't that 'lovely' if you talk to me in person lol. I'm mostly shy and too terrified to say anything, so I end up coming across as weird and sort of 'lost in my own head'. I tend to find it easier to talk online, and be more kind and nice too. In person its hard to keep all this up while theres anxiety constantly nagging at you and loads of pressure making it super hard for me to think properly. Also the fact that I used to be MUCH different back when I went to secondary school. I'm not surprised people didnt care much about me lol. But anyway.
Also I do want to mention I used to occasionally send birthday messages to some people (since fb told me it was their birthday lol) and I used the opportunity to try and start a convo but they always used to respond with short messages and never seemed to want to keep the convo going
Even if I did want to message someone again, I have no idea who. Sending the same message to literally everyone might probably be a bit weird haha.
Also @Amy22, its interesting how you coincidentally had a simillar dream at the time I posted this haha. Feels quite comforting to know I'm not the only one feeling like this. I do wonder tho, how many people from secondary actually keep in contact with others 🤔
@AnonymousToe Thats already better than me! I only started my fb account at the age of 16, yet still didn't do anything with it haha. I'm kinda proud of it ngl xD
Its sad that you had a similar (or worse) experience
Thank you for sharing it btw, that's part of the reason I made this post in the first place
Again, I appreciate the responses. I'm always here for you all if you need btw! (Though at this point PM-ing me is probably better at getting a reply from me in any timely manner
That being said, it sounds like the "plot" of some of these dreams ties into that feeling of regret you mention. I can hear how you feel regret at being quieter during school days, and that it plays on your mind. We can't change the past, but is there something from that experience that you could learn to improve/work on going forwards? That can be a helpful way to address feelings of regret.
I'd also say that saying "goodbye" to school friends is rarely a goodbye forever! A lot of people will encounter those school friends again in some place - it could be at work, going out shopping, or maybe one of them sends you a message out of the blue! So there's a good chance that you'll get to meet some of them again in the future, even if you're not expecting it.
If you'd like to reach out to them, there's no harm in sending over a quick message. Sure, there's a chance that they don't reply. But often I've found that people will respond and will be glad to hear from you, and may even want to meet up! People change a lot during school/university days, and it's natural for some friends to drift closer or further apart. But reconnecting with friends can be really nice, where you're both a bit more grown up. What do you think about giving it a go?
If you've got Instagram I think it's possible to search people up on there and see what they've been up to and possibly see when they were last active. It's also possible to send a message too. My sister was 20 when she reconnected with one her old best friends on Instagram who she hadn't talked to since she was 12 or 13, so it's possible to find your old friends again.
Though I had friends, for the most part I was quiet and shy in secondary school. My peers at university have encouraged me to contribute to discussions going forward and my tutor talked to me about my quietness when I was in year 8. In the past a peer of mine asked one of my siblings why I was so quiet so I can relate.
You did what you could when it came to your friends in secondary school and that was enough. It's normal to feel down about missing out on things we wish we did and that doesn't mean we can't do those things later.
@Sunshine12 I seriously appreciate it, it means a lot!
@Azziman Thank you, its interesting to know its a more common experience to dream of school. I don't see a way anyone ever messaging me first, they don't really have a way even if they wanted to. I myself don't want to seem too annoying either, I messaged some people but theres just no connection between us anymore, they just don't care about me in the slightest. But again, I just overthink everything, like who should I message? Theres not one specific person I'd want to connect with, more just the entire collective of peers from my time at school.
@IsThisJustFantasy its comforting to know its not just me, but its still hard
Also I don't use instagram, I was always afraid to share anything online about me, but now I kinda want to try it out, be more open to people and stuff. But I have no idea where to start or how to make it all work. What might my first post look like, or how much should I share at first. Its all quite overwhelming.
Keeping people engaged can be hard, which can be part of the journey for most people. Some simple content ideas can be about food, visiting places or travel. Educational information and inspirational content are things that are admired by people. With this aside there’s no pressure to use Instagram, and if you ever wanted to give it a go that’s ok. It may or may not work out (which is ok too!). There’s platforms that don’t always work for us and we can find ones that do.
As a final message I want you to know you are cared for ❤️