Longish rant

sputnik

Am feeling very anxious about the weekend, I'm going to stay with my dad for a few days. I feel anxious being away from home anyway, but it's sometimes good to have a change of scene. But at the moment I just feel exasperated with my dad. I feel guilty because I know that in many ways he's great, and I do really appreciate that and that I'm lucky to have him. But most of the time I don't like being with him, to be honest. I feel tense and awkward and like I just can't relax or be casual with him, I feel bad about myself and I'm afraid of what he's going to be negative about next or if he'll get annoyed. He's quite reactive and I feel very threatened by him getting annoyed/angry, a presumably learnt response from childhood (not that I've ever been in actual danger with him, but psychologically I feel scared).

He gives a lot of subtle cues that he's annoyed, or rather, I pick up on a lot of cues that he's annoyed - the few times I've asked him why he's annoyed he'll be like 'what? I'm not annoyed', even though his tone clearly indicated it. I feel hypersensitive to his moods and behaviours, trying to predict what he's going to respond well to and what not. His minute (and overt) criticisms wear me down. He is exhausting to be with. Most of the time I don't take note of how stressed I feel when I'm with him, I'm just so focused on trying to get through the day.

My parents split up when I was seven and I've lived primarily with my mum since then (and older sister), regularly visiting and staying with my dad, which I always hated as a child because I hated the transition of leaving home and re-adjusting, then having to re-adjust back again at the end. I felt powerless and incredibly angry at being 'passed' back-and-forth between them. My mum told me recently that when she split up with my dad, she felt like life was so much easier without the extra stress he created. I felt angry again - so she got to 'escape' that stress but my sister and I had to go on being subjected to it?

Usually I feel least stressed when I'm on the phone with him, because he's not actually there with me I suppose. We often have really long and interesting conversations, he can be very insightful and kind and supportive. It's also very reassuring to know I can message him and he will respond. Having two such contrasting 'versions' of him is a bit mind-boggling, I feel like I both love and hate him at the same time, and that I can't cope without him but I also want to scream at him.

So why am I going to stay with him, you might ask? Actually, I'm not sure, after writing all this down... XD
I have so few people in my life, mainly just immediate family, and he's one of my main sources of emotional support. I feel guilty about not wanting to see him, and also I do want to see him, even though I don't... plus the change of scene might be good for me, if I can get through the anxiety of traveling there and adjusting to it... and him... I keep feeling like I must be seeing things in an overblown and skewed way, and that my own behaviours are just as much to blame for how I feel. I don't really know. I feel like it's unfair to try to explain to him how I feel, because maybe I'm wrong. Maybe I'm 'the problem'. Plus, I don't know how to explain it to him in a way that won't either make him feel hurt and defensive, or miserable and self-loathing. I have tried to talk to him about some of these things before, and sometimes he responds OK, but I don't feel like he makes an effort to change his behaviour, or that he is actually aware of it in the first place. There was a time recently when he was here visiting my sister and me, and he got angry about us apparently criticizing him, and I wanted to say 'YOU telling ME about feeling criticized??! Take a look at yourself for goodness' sake!' I don't think that'd go down well though even if I could. When he gets defensive/angry, I can barely speak at all, let alone find the words to say a proper sentence.

Wow, this is long. I'm not expecting any replies (though that'd be lovely), I just wanted to vent a lot of stuff that's been stored up for a long time. Thanks for reading.

Maisy

It makes sense that you'd be feeling anxious about going to stay with your dad given that transitioning from one place to another and the tense relationship with your dad can both take it's toll on you. I understand that how you feel towards your dad is conflicting for you- in that there are many good qualities that your dad has, and yet at the same time, many negative qualities too. But it is okay to both love and dislike (even strongly) a family member.

It's hard being on the receiving end of criticism and constantly worrying about whether your dad will get annoyed or angry. It makes sense that you'd feel you'd have to be on the lookout for any changes that could signal anger or annoyance (even if you've never been in danger). Could it be possible that sometimes your dad isn't always annoyed when you think he is? I ask because if he was genuinely surprised that you thought he was annoyed when he wasn't, it might be that sometimes he is not aware of how his tone of voice and other mannerisms comes across to others as being annoyed. Of course, there's always the chance that he really was annoyed but didn't feel comfortable explaining why (which doesn't help you).

Sometimes people are just blunt and say things that can be hurtful without realising that what they have said can be hurtful to the other person. Other times, they really are just being critical. And if this is the case, then I've found that those who are the most critical are often avoiding looking into themselves and seeing their flaws. It's easier to critique and try to 'fix' other people, rather than reflecting about our own flaws and past hurts (which might be the cause of critiquing behaviour). Perhaps thinking about your dad's criticisms in this way, whether he doesn't realise the impact of what he says or whether he is just hurting and finding it easier to take things out on you, might help to detach yourself slightly from the situation. As opposed to feeling like it's your fault or your responsibility to try to avoid any negative judgement from him.

It must've been awful growing up and feeling like you were 'passed' between your mum and dad. And also knowing that your mum felt better without your dad in her life but that you and your sister still have to see him. But it's interesting that you mention you can have some really good in depth conversations with your dad on the phone. Might it be possible at all to think of something to do while you are at your dad's that might be related to a good conversation you had? It might be possible that when you are both doing something that you both like, you may spend less time picking up on any criticisms (and perhaps your dad might critique less). Sometimes it can be easier for some people to communicate over a message or just by voice call, and perhaps more difficult in person. This might explain why you find it a bit mind boggling that your dad seems to have two versions of himself, and why it can feel conflicting for you too.

Regarding the transitioning (and travelling), is there anything you can think of that might help the transition between going to stay with your dad and then coming back home again? I'm not too sure what to suggest but sometimes what helps me with transitions, in general, is to think about what will be happening and what I have to do (basically like planning out a future scenario) which helps me to adjust to a different frame of mind and setting. If I'm anxious, then the best thing for me is to get as much information as possible, for example, knowing times of buses/trains, looking on streetview to see where I have to get off or the route etc. which helps to ease my anxiety a bit. Not sure if this might help you at all?

Sometimes, there isn't really a right or wrong answer. Communication is a two way street, so chances are how you feel about your dad is completely valid (in that, you aren't necessarily blowing things out of proportion) and yet if you were to try to explain all of this to your dad, his reaction will also be completely valid (in that, he might feel critiqued by you because he genuinely doesn't see how he is being critical to you). You can't change someone's behaviour but you can change how you respond to it for example, spending less time together/more time talking by message or phone, or choosing activities that you both like doing so you have something to bond over, or trying to accept that you both view criticisms (or communication) differently (rather than feeling like it's your responsibility to try to avoid criticisms).

I'm glad that you were able to vent here. Keep us updated if it helps

sputnik

Hi @Maisy ,

Thanks so much for your response and apologies for such a late reply. It was really useful while I was staying at his, I appreciate it!
I sometimes wonder if he's unaware that he's expressing annoyance, or if I'm misinterpreting his behaviours. I'm hypersensitive about whether he's angry or not so it makes sense I may assume he is when actually he isn't. I'm so afraid of him disapproving of me I feel disgusted with myself when I feel like he disapproves of me. But I also feel like developing more of a sense of self that is separate from what I think he expects from me, is really important. I think part of the reason I struggle so much with transitions is lacking a stable sense of self, and so it's like my internal state changes with the external change, if that makes sense? And I hate the feeling of adjusting to a different 'me' as well as a different environment and people etc.
Good point about getting more info and making the trip more predictable, I will keep that in mind. I tend to shy away from doing that cos I dissociate from the upcoming transition and don't want to think about it til the last minute XD But I know it's better to be more prepared, it makes things more manageable. And it's looking after yourself as well.

Maisy

No worries, I'm glad my response helped a bit!

It could be a bit of both...perhaps your dad may be slightly unaware of how he comes across and perhaps you are hypersensitive to any changes that might indicate he is annoyed. No-one wants their parents to disapprove of them and it must be even more difficult when you have strong emotions and feel that disapproval quite strongly. It's definitely worthwhile trying to find a balance between trying to please your dad so that he doesn't disapprove and yet develop a better sense of self so that you can separate 'you' from 'him'.

That makes sense. It's understandable that if you feel you don't have much of an identity/sense of self, then you may realise you change to fit your surroundings, making transitions even more stressful because you are trying to anticipate what you need to do and how to act etc. Developing a better sense of self might help with this as you may find you don't have to change based on the environment so much (although it might still be necessary in some cases e.g. you act differently in school/work compared to when you are with friends).

It also makes sense that it feels easier to just not think about things until they are happening soon, but as you said, having more information and making the trip predictable is a way to help yourself too