BPD Suspicions + Relationship Boundaries

celestial_dog

Hello community (:
During the last few years, I have struggled with depression and withdrawal with no particular cause. I have felt mostly disconnected from reality and have su!cide-related responses to everyday things. It's caused me a lot of self loathing and hopelessness and it hasn't really improved, even with very high doses of antidepressants and other medications.
At school in particular, there are random moments of complete hopelessness and distress come in waves (again, no particular cause) which almost always leads to su!cidal ideations. My friend has had to deal with me rambling (due to feeling like there's no other way out) during these moments and I feel absolutely awful. She doesn't deserve that. I have an *extremely* loose identity and nothing really sticks with me. I don't really have any interests, and every time I do develop an interest, it fades within a day or two, and I end up hating it.

So, as much as I hate self diagnosing and self research (I was diagnosed with Aspergers when I was 3 and I hate it), these moments have gotten out if hand and I decided to conduct a bit of research based on these symptoms. Best I could get is "quiet" BPD. It describes a lot of my symptoms and makes sense to me.

Is there anyone here that could help me out with this??? I'm nearing the end of highschool and feel like I cannot bring myself to do anything at all.

I apologise if anything in this post is sensitive.

Azziman

Hey @celestial_dog - first of all, thank you for sharing your experience. I appreciate it's not always easy to speak out, so you've been brave by taking this step to talk about what you're going through - we're here to listen to you

I can hear how you've felt a range of difficult emotions during the last few years. Especially when we don't have a clear cause as to why this is happening, it can feel frustrating to go through these feelings. You've mentioned that you've tried various medications and it hasn't seemed to help - it's good to hear that you're trying to find solutions, but again I can hear that it's frustrating when none of them are showing the results you're hoping for.

I wonder, have you noticed any changes in your life that occurred when you started feeling this way? Sometimes, big changes in our younger years can be a trigger for negative emotions. Or do you notice you feel this way at particular places, or times of the day? You could speak to your GP to see what services or information they can offer about BPD, as they may be able to point you in the right direction.

I can hear how you've spoken to your friend about these experiences. It's really good that you have someone to speak to about how you feel - support is important! But also, you acknowledge that it can have an impact on them due to the nature of the conversation. If you're concerned about it, you could speak to them to ask if they're comfortable with the conversation topic. But if you think it's too much for them, there are alternative places for support available - whether that's counselling services, helplines, text services or forums (like us!). Support is on hand, whatever you decide is best

You're doing ever so well to keep going each day, and to look for support and solutions to this - it's important to give yourself credit for taking steps to improve your wellbeing We're here to support you through this!

Gemma

Hey @celestial_dog you're doing so well to reach out - it sounds like you've had a rough old time of it lately.

I echo what has been said previously that it must feel frustrating that various medications haven't worked for you. You're doing so well to keep advocating for yourself. I also wonder if your GP might be a good port of call here to discuss the research you've done and where you feel you're at. I hear there's a part of you that feels like things have gotten out of hand, and so I sense that getting better is something you want to hold on to and that's important. So it is really positive to hear that you are open to learning more about other options you can access, alongside us, for support.

I'm just aware you mentioned in your post that you've been experiencing suicidal ideations. It's really brave of you to share this with us. Can I ask whether you feel like you can keep yourself safe from those thoughts?

Remember that there are lots of lovely services you can reach out to:

*If you need urgent help or have any concerns for your health or safety, the quickest way to get help is to call 999 or go to your nearest A&E. 
*Local urgent mental health helpline | Open 24/7 | Find details about your local service here.
*Crisis Messenger - Our crisis messenger text service provides free, 24/7 crisis support across the UK. If you’re aged 25 or under, you can text THEMIX to 85258.
*Papyrus - If you are having thoughts of suicide, you can contact HOPELINEUK for confidential support and practical advice. You can call them on 0800 068 4141 or text them on 07786209697.
*Samaritans are reachable by phone and email 24/7. Whatever you're going through, you can call them any time, from any phone on 116 123.

Sunshine12

@celestial_dog hey, hope ur doing okay. Just wanted to reassure u that there is absolutely nothing wrong with researching about conditions to try and understand ur feelings more just like how self-diagnosing is valid if u don't have good access to the resources for a valid diagnosis, of course the actual diagnosis is preferred but that isn't always possible! I agree with the others, i feel like discussing ur symptoms with ur GP could be very helpful and hopefully could be a relief, whether it leads to a diagnosis, or u find out ur symptoms are a result of a life event/trigger, i hope it helps u

celestial_dog

@Gemma thank you for your kind words, I don't think I'll ever act on them as of now