Lack of emotional permanence.

Former Member

Hey guys sorry to bother everyone but I wanted to document my struggles so I have somewhere to come back to them. Don't feel like you have to offer up anything even just having somewhere to remember it helps me ❤️

But to cut a long story short I always struggle with emotional permanence (which is where basically you can remain certain that your loved ones love you even if they're not around or actively saying it)

My last relationship didn't help as he lied and cheated repeatedly. I don't like who I am in relationships I lose independence and get more emotional from my own overthinking. But just before Christmas I got with my boyfriend who I absolutely adore and is so sweet but recently I've found myself getting worse again.

I spend as much time as I can with my partner because I overthink and split when we're not together. And I don't want to get to a point where I'm getting upset because he wants to hang out with his other friends because that's not fair on him at all.

Lately I feel like I don't get a lot of time to myself outside of the relationship but it's all my fault in a sense because if I'm not talking to him I can't enjoy myself because I think too much.

I want to move past it but I just don't know how. And i know it sounds horrible but I considered breaking off for his wellbeing because I don't want to affect him but I don't want that, I just want to be human outside of the relationship instead of giving 110%. It feels all or nothing, I always dedicate my life to the person or just be by myself

Maisy

First of all, no need to apologise. I also think it's really good that you have posted this as a way of documenting your struggles. Knowing that you have thread where you can write all your thoughts and feelings down relating to this issue can feel really helpful, I know!

It sounds like your last relationship really affected you given that your ex lied and cheated repeatedly. That's awful for anyone to go through, but perhaps more so when you struggle with emotional permanence.

It can be really easy to get caught up in a relationship and find that we have dedicated all of ourselves to someone and in doing so have 'lost' ourselves. I understand that you feel you try to spend as much time with your partner as you can because you overthink when you aren't together. It's also admirable that you realise that this can get unhealthy and that you don't want to get to the point of being upset when he wants to hang out with his friends. This wouldn't be fair on either of you.

Perhaps it might help a little to start regaining yourself? What things do you like to do or enjoy doing by yourself or with family or friends? When we have other things going on in our life, it can bring a bit of a balance in our relationship too, rather than just relying on our relationship for happiness.

It can be difficult to relax and enjoy things in the moment when we are worrying about what our partners are doing or feeling when we aren't there. Have you tried talking to your partner about how you have been feeling? Maybe you can come up with ways to cope, for example, he can give you something to hold on to when you aren't together to let you know that he cares for you, even if he isn't with you. It could be something like a little note or whatever that you can read when you start worrying. Something else that might help is to remember all the good moments you have had together and all the positive things you can still look forward to in the future as well.

I also understand why you might consider breaking things off with your partner. It must feel awful feeling this way and also not wanting your feelings to affect him. I'm also wondering how you would feel about talking to a counsellor about this? Counselling might be able to help you with emotional permanence issues. Relate https://www.relate.org.uk/ might be a good resource too.

Former Member

Thanks for the reply @Maisy I really appreciate it ❤️

My last relationship definitely didn't help as I worked so hard and did so well at being trusting and giving space and the one night I let him go out with friends he cheated on me but I brushed those fears aside because I thought I was being silly but it turned out to be true and it almost solidified my worries so I find myself trying to rationalise them in a way.

I definitely want to start regaining me as I feel didn't do this fully after my last relationship, I think I've lost myself for a long time now. I enjoy playing certain single player games, and games with my brother and sister who normally play every night. But I haven't played with them for a while now because I spend so much time with my boyfriend, I even realised last night I don't dedicate time to my own therapy or these group chats because I'm normally with him.

I also really enjoy watching the F1 on weekends but sometimes I miss it if I'm with him, and I like going out for walks, reading in bed, spending time with my mum watching TV or going out. That matters a lot to me after her stroke I want to spend more time with her.

I have told him in parts about this before and he's fully supportive and sweet, he understands if I worry or anything and says he's always happy to reassure me or show me anything, he even has his snap location on and says I can check it anytime if I worry he's not at work but i don't want these unhealthy behaviours to surface. I've done really well at never checking his location because he deserves his privacy too. Interestingly he always tells me to focus on good past times and what we're doing in the future and it helps to ground me. He's also given me his favourite jacket so I have something comforting and so I know he won't just leave he said haha


I'd happily speak to a counsellor about it I just struggle with finances at the moment and free therapy is very short lived and typically is just CBT. I do self help DBT stuff at the moment cause it's better than nothing but that website looks really helpful and even offers counselling at a cheaper rate so I might be able to stretch my money to it

Thanks so much for the reply and signpost it's really helpful and appreciated ☺️

AnonymousToe

Hi @Cosycore_Witch
I’d never heard of emotional permanence before but I think that’s something I struggle with, although not in romantic relationships. (Because I’ve never had any lol)

I became very dependent on one of my teachers at school when I was struggling - she listens to me and helped me through so much. I convinced myself she would just stop replying. Everything she said, I’d look into it so deeply and I always thought she didn’t care about me anymore. It was awful. What helped the most though was just finding myself outside of all that. You said you think you’ve lost yourself, and that’s how I felt then. It was difficult at first but I found that spending time doing my own things and just generally having more to my life than that one relationship (I know it’s a totally different relationship though lol) helped a lot. I feel like that’s the best situation you can be in if the person does leave too. Because if your whole life revolves around them, it would be a big sudden change if they went away. Whereas if the relationship is just one of many parts of your life, other things will still keep going as normal and it’ll be easier to adjust. That’s not me saying your boyfriend’s gonna leave you, I just think the best thing you can do is just have fun and do your own things too!

Former Member

i struggled with the exact same thing . luckily, you being aware of how you get in relationships means that you are one step closer to moving past it . it sounds like the grounding method your boyfriend recommended to you is a very good start !
lack of emotional permanence can be caused by a lot of things, but what youre explaining looks to be mainly a defence mechanism, i think . youre right in saying that your past relationship caused you to put your guard up . we use our own experiences as a reference, and our brains turn our memories into a narrative that is far less nuanced than it really was . you though your doubts were silly, you were proved wrong . ergo, you should listen to your doubts . it is verrrry very easy to fall into that trap !
i think another thing i would use as a grounding method is remembering that you are not an extension of your partner . you are not a TV couple trope and you do not need to behave like one ! real relationships can never live up to what we see in media, or the western view of a true-love to solve all your problems, or again, the simple step-by-step narrative the brain creates from what was really a detailed event .
another thing, is that a lot of us (myself included) chase validation from others because we cannot see ourselves in a good light . but the truth of it is, you are the only person guaranteed to be constant throughout your entire life ! this was a very scary thing for me to confront, like a leap of faith, but learning self-assurance and how to care for yourself certainly is worth the fear .
you and your boyfriend are both your own people, not halves of each other . i hope you will be able to trust that he loves you for the person that you are, not just for the fact that you love him ! people betraying that trust is never a sign of you falling short of anything, nor is it a sign that that you should be cautious .
take care !