The truth about who I am

Amy22

I felt like it time I apologised I guess (maybe I am being way over too apologetic right now). But I feel like I need to apologise. The reason why I feel like this is because I am not a great person. I'm not that nice and actually I hate myself for who I am. Sometimes I wake up and just see someone I just don't like you know. I do bad things all the time, I'm indecisive, I rely on the Internet 24 7 for answers which make me more anxious. I have used AI for stories and to generate ideas for fun and I hate myself. I feel so lazy for using AI sometimes idk. Sorry.

lunarcat522

@Amy22 I've responded to one of your most recent posts but I thought I'd quickly respond to this one as well. You don't need to apologise for reaching out for support when you need it, we're all here for you and happy to help in any way we can

You do seem like a genuinely good person - you're extremely kind and caring and those are brilliant traits to have. It's completely natural to not like people, you just have to make sure you're treating people with decency, but you're never obliged to like someone "just because".

It's okay if you use the internet as a form of support, so long as you're comfortable asking for support in safe spaces I don't see anything wrong with it, I actually think it's a huge strength to ask for help when you need it!

It's also okay to use AI (generally), lots of people use it for a variety of reasons and so long as you're not using it for obscene/illegal reasons such as explicit images or for plagiarism, I think it's completely okay! It can be a really useful tool.

I hope this has reassured you somewhat

JJLemon18

Aw you don't have to apologise for anything! I hope this isn't because of what I talked about on my thread

I agree with everything lunarcat said, but want to add that I know many many people relate to most of what you said here, including myself! Hating who you are, being indecisive, relying on the internet (that one I specifically relate to a LOT haha), and using AI. And I doubt you would hate other people who would do these same things would you...

To me you're a really kind and caring person! You got to treat yourself with the same respect you treat others!

Sending a big virtual hug (or a virtual cookie if you prefer that )

Amy22

Thank you @JJLemon18 so much for your kind words. I dont think this was because of your post. Sometimes I tend to have stupid silly low moments now and then, where I rant about things. I don't know really sometimes I can say the wrong thing like today I guess around family and my jokes or humour are considered too negative. I guess wish people would take me lightly and my negativity sometimes. I don't mean to be negative but I guess that's me and how I deal with things. I tend to worry too much sometimes. I find it hard to give myself respect sometimes because I find it easier to give it to others because I've seen worse things happen to genuine kind people.

Amy22

Hi @lunarcat522 thank you

Amy22

Also the fact I got a stupid kink and I am writing this straight after reading some devinart blueberry tf and artwork and youtube video.s Im so weird and that the fact I have to come `right on here to write about it. *Im such a creep and I hate myself everyday because of this arhGhgh

Amy22

Also this might be me overthinking again but I follow someone on instgram who I really like because wow their art is so cool, but it's weird I am following an eleven year old on insta sorry I need to start following people of my own age idk. I might be overthibking help 😣

Sunshine12

@Amy22 there's absolutely nothing wrong with following them to observe and support their art if its cool, i'm sure a young artist would love knowing ppl follow them cause their art is cool, as long as u keep boundaries n don't message i don't see anything wrong with following them!

Amy22

Hey @Sunshine12 I think they are kind of famous and lots of ppl follow them anyway. Maybe I might unfollow who knows 🤷‍♂️. I just unfollowed them now because my thoughts were being too much. Sorry. I think and worry about the most stupidest things ever. I just keep feeling I understand younger people better sometimes than my own age group.

Amy22

I just unfollowed them even though maybe I shouldn't have

Sunshine12

@Amy22 hey, u don't have to apologise for worrying! its clear to see ur a good person and u don't mean to harm anyone, its totally okay to follow or unfollow them, do whats best for u and that doesn't make u feel bad about ur decisions

Amy22

Thanks @Sunshine12 sorry I was having a stupid moment

BensonE

Amy22 wrote: »

I felt like it time I apologised I guess (maybe I am being way over too apologetic right now). But I feel like I need to apologise. The reason why I feel like this is because I am not a great person. I'm not that nice and actually I hate myself for who I am. Sometimes I wake up and just see someone I just don't like you know. I do bad things all the time, I'm indecisive, I rely on the Internet 24 7 for answers which make me more anxious. I have used AI for stories and to generate ideas for fun and I hate myself. I feel so lazy for using AI sometimes idk. Sorry.

Hey @Amy22

I know the feeling of not feeling comfortable being yourself, its actually a SEND/ASD trait not feeling comfortable in your own skin

Use of AI is completely fine I know that there is now at least 1 university course that let's you reference AI materials

Amy22

Hey @BensonE

Thanks for responding I really appreciate it a lot . I've always felt uncomfotable in my own body sometimes psychically and mentally. I hate myself that's the fact and I'll always will. Its funny because I got ASD, ADHD, OCD practically nearly everything and like maybe that is what it is right now affecting me.

BensonE

Amy22 wrote: »

Hey @BensonE

Thanks for responding I really appreciate it a lot . I've always felt uncomfotable in my own body sometimes psychically and mentally. I hate myself that's the fact and I'll always will. Its funny because I got ASD, ADHD, OCD practically nearly everything and like maybe that is what it is right now affecting me.

I remembered you have ASD, ADHD hence I made the comment because I felt it was fitting

Amy22

@BensonE You've got a great memory to remember all of that I really appreciate it!. I practically got all the A's and stuff when it comes to mh I guess. I just don't like who I am right now and maybe I need to work on myself to improve who I am. I also hate the fact that I got weird obscure interests and I have

such a stupid fucking kink where I read devinart blueberry inflation stories and I love willy wonka and the chocolate factory. I read and watch videos of Violet becoming a blueberry. I must be some disgusting creep because deep inside there's something wrong with me.

. I'm just scared sometimes people will find out about me and end realising that I am a bad person which in retrospect they are right because that is what I am. I also feel like such a massive burden on all those I love most as well because of my ASD as I have extra support sometimes because I struggle to do certain tasks. I often find myself feeling awkward when people help me because I don't want them to be wasting their time helping me when they could spend it doing something more enjoyable and helpful. Maybe I am just over exaggherating every single thing I do right now. Having to over-analyse, having to hate, wanting the need to self-destruct. Maybe I just overthink everything right now because it is easier to do sometimes. Then there's time when I don't do anything at all and I feel guilty because I want to do things, I want to be active, I want to be up and have a get go but I don't. I know this is executive dysfuction as I have had it before in the past I think where I wanted to do things but personally had no energy whatsoever to do the things I fucking love. All because I stop myself from enjoying the beauty of life itself. Maybe I don't deserve to be happy at all.

BensonE

@Amy22 Right Amy I'm gonna started off with my youthworker instincts and ask. Are you safe tonight because it sounds like you got alot of self hate going on tonight and a struggle with your self

Second, you do deverse happiness it takes time to find and honestly it's okay to have down moments SEND is a difficult thing to navigate let alone in our society where there's a 50/50 split on those that accept us and those that don't and even within the accept category there is various different types of people. It's incredibly difficult for us. It's why us ASD people stick together and protect each other

I'm gonna share a quote I came across a while ago which I told a mate of mine

Austism isn't just a condition it's also a community/family

You are not alone in this nor should you go through this struggle alone you got everyone here at the mix whom care about you

As I say alot in support groups here on the mix, the mix is like one big dysfunctional family (yes it's a spin on a lilo and stitch quote) so please do reach out to us all

Even here on the boards there is a ND section where alot of other ND people respond on as you may have already discovered

Amy22

Hey @BensonE thank you so much and yes I am safe. I was safe anyways I just needed somewhere to rant really I think I should have put this in the ND category here on TheMix because I think it's more fitting. I was having a bit of an anxiety episode last night but I am doing much better now and I feel way better. Thank you everyone for your lovely support and messages . I really appreciate it!.

Also sometimes I find around my menstruation cycle I can be more anxious than usual.

BensonE

@Amy22 i think this belonged in both places

Anxiety episodes are completely normal and part of life

ebyrne556

Hey @Amy22 just a checkin from me to see how your week has been

Amy22

ebyrne556 wrote: »

Hey @Amy22 just a checkin from me to see how your week has been

Hi @ebyrne556 not too bad I just rwad some blueberry tf stories on both my phone and laptop as well as feedee stories and god I feel so bad about it sometimes/ However, I am getting there slowly