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The truth about who I am

Amy22Amy22 Posts: 4,695 The Mix Elder
I felt like it time I apologised I guess (maybe I am being way over too apologetic right now). But I feel like I need to apologise. The reason why I feel like this is because I am not a great person. I'm not that nice and actually I hate myself for who I am. Sometimes I wake up and just see someone I just don't like you know. I do bad things all the time, I'm indecisive, I rely on the Internet 24 7 for answers which make me more anxious. I have used AI for stories and to generate ideas for fun and I hate myself. I feel so lazy for using AI sometimes idk. Sorry.
Just a person who likes pop culture and films

Comments

  • JJLemon18JJLemon18 Community Champion Posts: 2,056 Boards Champion
    Aw you don't have to apologise for anything! I hope this isn't because of what I talked about on my thread :sweat_smile:

    I agree with everything lunarcat said, but want to add that I know many many people relate to most of what you said here, including myself! Hating who you are, being indecisive, relying on the internet (that one I specifically relate to a LOT haha), and using AI. And I doubt you would hate other people who would do these same things would you...

    To me you're a really kind and caring person! You got to treat yourself with the same respect you treat others! ;)

    Sending a big virtual hug (or a virtual cookie if you prefer that :cookie: )
    Believe in me - who believes in you
  • Amy22Amy22 Posts: 4,695 The Mix Elder
    Thank you @JJLemon18 so much for your kind words. I dont think this was because of your post. Sometimes I tend to have stupid silly low moments now and then, where I rant about things. I don't know really sometimes I can say the wrong thing like today I guess around family and my jokes or humour are considered too negative. I guess wish people would take me lightly and my negativity sometimes. I don't mean to be negative but I guess that's me and how I deal with things. I tend to worry too much sometimes. I find it hard to give myself respect sometimes because I find it easier to give it to others because I've seen worse things happen to genuine kind people.
    Just a person who likes pop culture and films
  • Amy22Amy22 Posts: 4,695 The Mix Elder
    Hi @lunarcat522 thank you <3
    Just a person who likes pop culture and films
  • Amy22Amy22 Posts: 4,695 The Mix Elder
    Also the fact I got a stupid kink and I am writing this straight after reading some devinart blueberry tf and artwork and youtube video.s Im so weird and that the fact I have to come `right on here to write about it. *Im such a creep and I hate myself everyday because of this arhGhgh
    Just a person who likes pop culture and films
  • Amy22Amy22 Posts: 4,695 The Mix Elder
    Also this might be me overthinking again but I follow someone on instgram who I really like because wow their art is so cool, but it's weird I am following an eleven year old on insta sorry I need to start following people of my own age idk. I might be overthibking help 😣
    Just a person who likes pop culture and films
  • Sunshine12Sunshine12 Posts: 152 Helping Hand
    @Amy22 there's absolutely nothing wrong with following them to observe and support their art if its cool, i'm sure a young artist would love knowing ppl follow them cause their art is cool, as long as u keep boundaries n don't message i don't see anything wrong with following them! <3
  • Amy22Amy22 Posts: 4,695 The Mix Elder
    Hey @Sunshine12 I think they are kind of famous and lots of ppl follow them anyway. Maybe I might unfollow who knows 🤷‍♂️. I just unfollowed them now because my thoughts were being too much. Sorry. I think and worry about the most stupidest things ever. I just keep feeling I understand younger people better sometimes than my own age group.
    Just a person who likes pop culture and films
  • Amy22Amy22 Posts: 4,695 The Mix Elder
    I just unfollowed them even though maybe I shouldn't have
    Just a person who likes pop culture and films
  • Sunshine12Sunshine12 Posts: 152 Helping Hand
    @Amy22 hey, u don't have to apologise for worrying! its clear to see ur a good person and u don't mean to harm anyone, its totally okay to follow or unfollow them, do whats best for u and that doesn't make u feel bad about ur decisions <3
  • Amy22Amy22 Posts: 4,695 The Mix Elder
    Thanks @Sunshine12 sorry I was having a stupid moment
    Just a person who likes pop culture and films
  • BensonEBensonE Posts: 182 Helping Hand
    Amy22 wrote: »
    I felt like it time I apologised I guess (maybe I am being way over too apologetic right now). But I feel like I need to apologise. The reason why I feel like this is because I am not a great person. I'm not that nice and actually I hate myself for who I am. Sometimes I wake up and just see someone I just don't like you know. I do bad things all the time, I'm indecisive, I rely on the Internet 24 7 for answers which make me more anxious. I have used AI for stories and to generate ideas for fun and I hate myself. I feel so lazy for using AI sometimes idk. Sorry.

    Hey @Amy22

    I know the feeling of not feeling comfortable being yourself, its actually a SEND/ASD trait not feeling comfortable in your own skin

    Use of AI is completely fine I know that there is now at least 1 university course that let's you reference AI materials
  • Amy22Amy22 Posts: 4,695 The Mix Elder
    Hey @BensonE

    Thanks for responding I really appreciate it a lot :). I've always felt uncomfotable in my own body sometimes psychically and mentally. I hate myself that's the fact and I'll always will. Its funny because I got ASD, ADHD, OCD practically nearly everything and like maybe that is what it is right now affecting me.
    Just a person who likes pop culture and films
  • BensonEBensonE Posts: 182 Helping Hand
    Amy22 wrote: »
    Hey @BensonE

    Thanks for responding I really appreciate it a lot :). I've always felt uncomfotable in my own body sometimes psychically and mentally. I hate myself that's the fact and I'll always will. Its funny because I got ASD, ADHD, OCD practically nearly everything and like maybe that is what it is right now affecting me.

    I remembered you have ASD, ADHD hence I made the comment because I felt it was fitting
  • Amy22Amy22 Posts: 4,695 The Mix Elder
    @BensonE You've got a great memory to remember all of that :sweat_smile: I really appreciate it!. I practically got all the A's and stuff when it comes to mh I guess. I just don't like who I am right now and maybe I need to work on myself to improve who I am. I also hate the fact that I got weird obscure interests and I have
    such a stupid fucking kink where I read devinart blueberry inflation stories and I love willy wonka and the chocolate factory. I read and watch videos of Violet becoming a blueberry. I must be some disgusting creep because deep inside there's something wrong with me.
    . I'm just scared sometimes people will find out about me and end realising that I am a bad person which in retrospect they are right because that is what I am. I also feel like such a massive burden on all those I love most as well because of my ASD as I have extra support sometimes because I struggle to do certain tasks. I often find myself feeling awkward when people help me because I don't want them to be wasting their time helping me when they could spend it doing something more enjoyable and helpful. Maybe I am just over exaggherating every single thing I do right now. Having to over-analyse, having to hate, wanting the need to self-destruct. Maybe I just overthink everything right now because it is easier to do sometimes. Then there's time when I don't do anything at all and I feel guilty because I want to do things, I want to be active, I want to be up and have a get go but I don't. I know this is executive dysfuction as I have had it before in the past I think where I wanted to do things but personally had no energy whatsoever to do the things I fucking love. All because I stop myself from enjoying the beauty of life itself. Maybe I don't deserve to be happy at all. :/
    Just a person who likes pop culture and films
  • BensonEBensonE Posts: 182 Helping Hand
    @Amy22 Right Amy I'm gonna started off with my youthworker instincts and ask. Are you safe tonight because it sounds like you got alot of self hate going on tonight and a struggle with your self :(

    Second, you do deverse happiness it takes time to find and honestly it's okay to have down moments SEND is a difficult thing to navigate let alone in our society where there's a 50/50 split on those that accept us and those that don't and even within the accept category there is various different types of people. It's incredibly difficult for us. It's why us ASD people stick together and protect each other

    I'm gonna share a quote I came across a while ago which I told a mate of mine

    Austism isn't just a condition it's also a community/family

    You are not alone in this nor should you go through this struggle alone you got everyone here at the mix whom care about you

    As I say alot in support groups here on the mix, the mix is like one big dysfunctional family (yes it's a spin on a lilo and stitch quote) so please do reach out to us all

    Even here on the boards there is a ND section where alot of other ND people respond on as you may have already discovered
  • Amy22Amy22 Posts: 4,695 The Mix Elder
    Hey @BensonE thank you so much and yes I am safe. I was safe anyways I just needed somewhere to rant really I think I should have put this in the ND category here on TheMix because I think it's more fitting. I was having a bit of an anxiety episode last night but I am doing much better now and I feel way better. Thank you everyone for your lovely support and messages <3. I really appreciate it!.

    Also sometimes I find around my menstruation cycle I can be more anxious than usual.
    Just a person who likes pop culture and films
  • BensonEBensonE Posts: 182 Helping Hand
    @Amy22 i think this belonged in both places

    Anxiety episodes are completely normal and part of life
  • ebyrne556ebyrne556 Moderator Posts: 1,111 Wise Owl
    Hey @Amy22 just a checkin from me to see how your week has been <3
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  • Amy22Amy22 Posts: 4,695 The Mix Elder
    ebyrne556 wrote: »
    Hey @Amy22 just a checkin from me to see how your week has been <3

    Hi @ebyrne556 not too bad I just rwad some blueberry tf stories on both my phone and laptop as well as feedee stories and god I feel so bad about it sometimes/ However, I am getting there slowly :sweat_smile:
    Just a person who likes pop culture and films
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