Feel free to ignore

Rose113

I'm to tired to deal with all this want to relapse and disappear, I'm fed up and hurting. I can't do anything right without people wineing at me why won't people love me and care about me. What do I keep doing wrong. I hate me, I don't want to be me. I'm safe but I don't want to exist. Trying not to cry yet it's getting harder and harder. It's all too much. I'm falling apart and have no one to help me. I burden all my friends. I can't trust or rely on anyone. It's too much, it's all too much to cope with. I don't want to be me. I just need this shit to end. I need my past to go back to being hidden away forever. I wish I wasn't a girl. I want to feel like me yet I just feel like an intruder. I have no one. I loose everyone. I'm just the therapist friend. I have 100 Snapchat messages that I haven't opened or replied too. I have 65 WhatsApp messages that I've ignored. I have 5 messages on here. I want someone to support me but I don't want to talk to anyone. I want to be alone but I don't want to be alone.

I want to walk for miles in the countryside alone until there's no where else to walk to. I want to blast music and scream. I wish I didn't have family. I wish I had friends that I wasn't just the therapist too. I'm to tired for this. It's too much. I have to live yet it feels like I'm being tortured. I'm back to feeling unwell again physically and mentally. All I do is ruin people's lives. I'm better off dead and alone....but still I'm safe

If you read to the end then sorry for burdening...

Gemma

Hey @River I can really hear how much you're hurting right now and you're doing so so well to keep reaching out and talking about these things. This isn't an easy thing to do.

When you say want to relapse, I assume you mean SH - is that right? It's positive to hear that you're feeling safe. You're never alone in our community and we're here to listen and support you through this. I'm aware I sent over some signposts for support with SH in your post on the hugs thread but I'll pop them below here too.

Battle Scars is an organisation offering support around self-harm. They run online peer support groups on Zoom at a range of times and days over the week. They also have a Facebook group that can be accessed by anyone, anywhere. There is a range of resources and information on their website at https://www.battle-scars-self-harm.org.uk/

Alumina offers free online support for 14-19 year olds who are struggling with self-harm. It is a 7 week online course where you can connect in with other young people. It is completely confidential, so you don't have to worry about anyone else at home finding out. They also have lots of information about self-harm on their website. To find out more, or to sign up to the groups, their website is https://alumina.selfharm.co.uk/

There’s an organisation called CALM which offers help, information and advice to anyone. They deal with issues such as self-harm. The CALM helpline is open everyday from 5pm-12am (midnight) on 0800 58 58 58. You can webchat with them via their website, and find out more about them at https://www.thecalmzone.net/

There's a free mobile app called distrACT, it's available on the App Store (Apple) and Google Play (Android). The app gives you easy, quick and discreet access to information and advice about self-harm and suicidal thoughts. The content has been created by doctors and experts in self-harming and suicide prevention. You can find out more here.

When you say you can't do anything right without people whining at you, would you like to share a bit more about that? It sounds really tough to have those experiences, and we're here to listen if you'd like to share more.

You mention that you've been trying not to cry. Sometimes it can be a real relief when we let those emotions out. It's okay to feel this way and sometimes really sitting in our feelings can help us understand more about those emotions and where they're coming from.

We know you're a very caring person @River and that you often look out for other people which I can see by the amount of message you mention you've received. But you're right that you also need and deserve someone to support you too. I'm hearing that you want that support but you're finding it difficult to open up. This is really common, but know that we're all here for you in the community and will be here whenever you're ready to share.

I wondered if you felt comfy enough to reach out to your GP or local mental health service to see what they can offer you in terms of support?

Remember that if you are struggling to stay safe or would like someone to talk to, you can always reach out to some of these services below:

*If you need urgent help or have any concerns for your health or safety, the quickest way to get help is to call 999 or go to your nearest A&E. 
*Local urgent mental health helpline | Open 24/7 | Find details about your local service here.
*Crisis Messenger - Our crisis messenger text service provides free, 24/7 crisis support across the UK. If you’re aged 25 or under, you can text THEMIX to 85258.
*Papyrus - If you are having thoughts of suicide, you can contact HOPELINEUK for confidential support and practical advice. You can call them on 0800 068 4141 or text them on 07786209697.
*Samaritans are reachable by phone and email 24/7. Whatever you're going through, you can call them any time, from any phone on 116 123.

Keep going @River

Rose113

@Gemma yeah SH mum whines at me all the time over stupid and dumb things I'm not allowed to cry.

I've been waiting for my own counsellor to book an appointment to see me again but think she gave up on me.

Laura_tigger82

You should be allowed to cry @River - your feelings are valid. You don't deserve to be whined at all the time. Hopefully, you will be able to book another counselling appointment soon. Do you feel comfortable maybe reaching out to your counsellor to send them a nudge to book another appointment or is there anything else which might help whilst you are waiting for another counselling appointment?

Rose113

@Laura_tigger82 if she doesn't want to book one with me then I guess it's fine, I don't need help, I've been fine alone for years

Orchid059

Hi @River I can understand how difficult all this is for you currently- it takes a lot of courage to reach out and seek support. Remember it is perfectly okay to allow yourself to cry as sometimes it offers a sense of relief; like a weight off your shoulders.

I can see how feeling like the therapist friend can seem exhausting at times especially when you feel like the support isn't being reciprocated- you deserve to feel heard as well.

Remember also that you are not a burden so never let that prevent you from saying how you feel or reaching out for help as the way that you feel is completely valid.

You have mentioned that your are currently waiting for an appointment with your counsellor. They won't have forgotten about you I am sure, but sometimes these things take time so in the meantime feel free to visit the links Gemma posted above and we are always here if you want to drop us a message or have a chat.

Keep us updated on how you are feeling

Rose113

Not allowed to cry!!

Sunshine12

River wrote: »

@Laura_tigger82 if she doesn't want to book one with me then I guess it's fine, I don't need help, I've been fine alone for years

Hey, I’m sorry to hear about your experiences, u shouldn’t have to feel like a burden on someone who’s literal job it is to help people! There is no shame in continuing to ask for help, otherwise the help wouldn’t be there to accept. I’m also rrly sorry about how your mum is dealing with your feelings, that just feel rrly belittling, of course u are allowed to cry and even “whine” if u want!!! This could sound like a rrly crappy recommendation, but I find journaling my thoughts to be a helpful release. Sending love ❤️

Orchid059

I can understand you're frustration @River that must be so overwhelming for you. Would you mind sharing whether you feel like it is just around your mum you feel like you cannot cry or not at all?

Do you have any hobbies that you enjoy doing that might help you during this time? For example when I feel overwhelmed or down I often turn to music and go for a walk to get some fresh air.

Keep reaching out to us

Rose113

I sorry, I very sorry, no be mad at me

AnonymousToe

Big hugs @River i don’t think anyone’s mad at you, we just want to help you

Rose113

Mad mad

Gemma

We can really see how much you're going through right now @River. Like others have said here, you shouldn't ever have to feel like a burden and I'm sorry that your relationship with your mum is feeling quite strained. It's really important you're able to get some support to help you through this.

It sounds like you were particularly struggling last night. We're certainly not mad at you and we're here for you. It's really brave of you to keep reaching out for some support. When you do have those moments when you're really struggling we'd encourage you to reach out to a 1-1 support service who can best support you. You really deserve to have that dedicated space to talk about what you're going through.

I've popped a few places below that you may like to reach out to:

* Childline - offers information, advice and confidential counselling to anyone aged 18 and under on any issue affecting them. Their phoneline is open all day every day by calling on 0800 1111, or you can go to www.childline.org.uk to access their webchat service.
* Papyrus - you can contact HOPELINEUK for confidential support and practical advice. You can call them on 0800 068 4141 or text them on 07786209697.
* Samaritans are reachable by phone and email 24/7. Whatever you're going through, you can call them any time, from any phone on 116 123.

You mentioned to us that poetry is something that helps you, perhaps this might be something to try doing today? You're amazing at writing

Keep going @River.

Rose113

@Gemma sorry

amy02

I'm so sorry to hear you struggling recently @River there's no need to apologise at all. We are all here for you and want to support you through any difficult emotion which you might be feeling. How has the rest of your day been? Have you managed to do some things to take care of yourself?