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My voice
JJLemon18
Community Champion Posts: 2,082 Boards Champion
Heylo. This post has been a long time coming. In fact, this is something I always wanted to talk about even since joining the mix over a year ago. And I keep meaning to post about it for many months now but I've never got to doing it, for some reason.
Its about my voice - or lack thereof. I believe my voice is secretly the biggest cause of many of my problems, but mainly social anxiety.
Its almost like my voice hasn't changed after going through puberty, so instead of sounding like any 'normal' guy I sounded like a squeaky toy xD but honestly I don't think I'd care care less if not for one huge problem. Talking for me has been incredibly difficult, especially because I kept losing my voice out of nowhere in the middle of talking, or finding it impossible trying to be loud. I couldn't get my voice to be loud enough for the teacher to understand what I was saying in school, and so I couldn't communicate much unless I was in a quiet place and right close to someone. Teachers always told me to "speak louder" even though I felt like I physically couldn't, which was always one of the most stressful experiences. And I was always getting the same question (and I mean always; last time I met someone new at university like 4 months ago I was asked this exact question!). "Are you ill? You sound ill" Which always pissed me off so much because yes, I am ill almost 24/7, but they ask because they say I 'sound' ill, which is what my voice always sounds like even when I'm feeling completely fine (and I wasn't ill at all when asked that question 4 months ago). So I always knew my voice wasn't just different, its wasn't normal, there was surely a problem with it.
Because of this I found talking to people really hard, so I always preferred to be quiet (and this is mainly why I despise phone calls, and I will NOT answer them unless its my parents lol). And every time I had something to say, but couldn't, I would keep it for myself and later go through the situation in mind what it might have looked like if I did say what I wanted, which usually made me really sad and full of regret while telling myself "I'll talk more next time"... but I never do. Which damn - I only now realise how depressing that sounds after writing it out
From a year or so I started wondering if maybe I'm doing something wrong, in terms of speaking. Maybe I just don't know how to speak properly, and I've done it wrong the entire time. Somehow. So I found out theres this thing as a 'voice therapist' (I think thats what they're called) and I noticed how beneficial it would be for me. But, I had to be referred there by my GP. So I went to my GP, and they told me that I first have to have some kind of test done on my throat or something to make sure its not something else thats stopping me from talking. So having no other choice I said "fine". But as we all know, nothing is that easy...
Firstly, I found out that the waiting queue was over a YEAR LONG! Like how?? Idek.
But the second problem, and this one is kinda humorous. I was required to first book the appointment... exclusively by phone. Like "Ma'am, I am asking for support cause I can't make a phone call. And you're telling me phone call is the only way to book the appointment??" And so I ignored when they called me and I put it off completely...
Now I want to mention one last thing. I got covid last year before christmas and since then I have completely lost my voice. Like saying anything at all felt almost impossible, unless I whispered. But since then, over time, I've been learning to talk a little 'differently'. And I realised that my voice had slowly become quite deeper and I dare say more 'normal'? I have to say that talking has been feeling significantly easier than it used to too. But many of the problems still stayed, like social anxiety. That's not going away anytime soon. And neither is my phone-phobia lol.
I dunno what to think of all this. And I dunno what to expect from this post. I kinda just needed to finally get this out after all these years. But I will accept any advice anyone might have here.
I know how much you all miss my long posts, so I'm here to deliver xD but seriously, thank you for reading
Its about my voice - or lack thereof. I believe my voice is secretly the biggest cause of many of my problems, but mainly social anxiety.
Its almost like my voice hasn't changed after going through puberty, so instead of sounding like any 'normal' guy I sounded like a squeaky toy xD but honestly I don't think I'd care care less if not for one huge problem. Talking for me has been incredibly difficult, especially because I kept losing my voice out of nowhere in the middle of talking, or finding it impossible trying to be loud. I couldn't get my voice to be loud enough for the teacher to understand what I was saying in school, and so I couldn't communicate much unless I was in a quiet place and right close to someone. Teachers always told me to "speak louder" even though I felt like I physically couldn't, which was always one of the most stressful experiences. And I was always getting the same question (and I mean always; last time I met someone new at university like 4 months ago I was asked this exact question!). "Are you ill? You sound ill" Which always pissed me off so much because yes, I am ill almost 24/7, but they ask because they say I 'sound' ill, which is what my voice always sounds like even when I'm feeling completely fine (and I wasn't ill at all when asked that question 4 months ago). So I always knew my voice wasn't just different, its wasn't normal, there was surely a problem with it.
Because of this I found talking to people really hard, so I always preferred to be quiet (and this is mainly why I despise phone calls, and I will NOT answer them unless its my parents lol). And every time I had something to say, but couldn't, I would keep it for myself and later go through the situation in mind what it might have looked like if I did say what I wanted, which usually made me really sad and full of regret while telling myself "I'll talk more next time"... but I never do. Which damn - I only now realise how depressing that sounds after writing it out
From a year or so I started wondering if maybe I'm doing something wrong, in terms of speaking. Maybe I just don't know how to speak properly, and I've done it wrong the entire time. Somehow. So I found out theres this thing as a 'voice therapist' (I think thats what they're called) and I noticed how beneficial it would be for me. But, I had to be referred there by my GP. So I went to my GP, and they told me that I first have to have some kind of test done on my throat or something to make sure its not something else thats stopping me from talking. So having no other choice I said "fine". But as we all know, nothing is that easy...
Firstly, I found out that the waiting queue was over a YEAR LONG! Like how?? Idek.
But the second problem, and this one is kinda humorous. I was required to first book the appointment... exclusively by phone. Like "Ma'am, I am asking for support cause I can't make a phone call. And you're telling me phone call is the only way to book the appointment??" And so I ignored when they called me and I put it off completely...
Now I want to mention one last thing. I got covid last year before christmas and since then I have completely lost my voice. Like saying anything at all felt almost impossible, unless I whispered. But since then, over time, I've been learning to talk a little 'differently'. And I realised that my voice had slowly become quite deeper and I dare say more 'normal'? I have to say that talking has been feeling significantly easier than it used to too. But many of the problems still stayed, like social anxiety. That's not going away anytime soon. And neither is my phone-phobia lol.
I dunno what to think of all this. And I dunno what to expect from this post. I kinda just needed to finally get this out after all these years. But I will accept any advice anyone might have here.
I know how much you all miss my long posts, so I'm here to deliver xD but seriously, thank you for reading
Believe in me - who believes in you
6
Comments
Either way it sounds really tough dealing with and I can really empathise with what's going on for you
A lot of the information about it is centred around children but it is something that can affect young people and adults too. SMIRA is a good resource.
Once again I don't want to pathologise your experiences but it can sometimes help to have an explanation as a starting point as it sounds like you're trapped in a cycle of wanting support but struggling with the practicalities of reaching out, waiting lists etc which is all extremely frustrating
Sending you a massive hug right now for what you are feeling about the moment.
I read through your post the other night actually and for some reason the social anxiety side of your post kind of resonated with me the most. I think because mostly quite similarly I often struggle to get the right words out or talk to people. I feel the only time I can talk properly is around my own parents but when I am in work or with friends I end becoming the 'shy' version of me. I also have a hard time doing phone calls as well as I also struggle with liking my voice now and then. I did speech and therapy when I was younger just after my diagnosis as I struggled with talking and forming certain words. So I get how you must be feeling.
I just wanted to say that if you were thinking about looking at speech therapy (at the moment I am aware there is a big waiting list for a lot of therapies including speech and language) but it can be quite helpful but there are often techniques that you can use in your day to day life which can ease that fear of hearing your own voice as well as relieving the symptoms of social anxiety as well. I also agree with what @lunarcat522 mentioned above because it does like a very tricky thing for you to go through and I can imagine how stressful it must be for you at the moment.
Again I am always here for you if you ever need someone to talk to.
Sending you a massive hug,
Amy22
It seems like you’re confused whether this is a psychological thing or a physical problem with your voice? It could be a bit of both.
Do you think your voice sounds any different when talking to people you’re comfortable with?
Like for me, I sound normal when I talk to my parents, but at school my voice was so soft and people told me off because I couldn’t talk loudly enough. (That was if I could talk at all..) I literally sounded like I was about to burst into tears all the time 😂 But at home I could always be as loud as I liked.
Because of all that I got referred for a selective mutism assessment which I’ve been waiting forever for, but that’s more the selective mutism side maybe.
But you said your voice was affected by covid so maybe there’s something physical going on too. Did you have the throat test done?
You said about booking an appointment over the phone - could you designate someone else to do that for you? I don’t know if it’s possible as an adult, but you could potentially ask for a parent to do it. It’s crazy they don’t think that through when it’s literally about speaking. It’s also ridiculous how long the waiting lists are but I guess if it’s the only option then it’s better to at least start the process.
Sending big hugs, I really hope you can get some help with it 🧡
@lunarcat522 Yea that's I think what I was referring to when I talked about wanting to go to a 'voice therapist', but I have to get the gp to refer me, which they weren't very eager to do without having some tests on my throat done first
Could be it, I was also suggested this by someone else. Though I wouldn't consider myself as 'mute', I try to speak best as I can (sometimes). Selective mutism sounds to me a lot like me being unable to talk because of a specific 'thing' like anxiety for example, but to me it feels the opposite, that I chose not to talk (or talk in a whisper) because I knew couldn't talk in the first place. If that makes sense? And having it triggered by anxiety wouldn't explain why I still couldn't talk properly even if I'm completely alone by myself, without a care in the world. But I do believe selective mutism may have played a part in this whole situation too.
Hey @Amy22 sorry to hear this is also something you struggle with, I really relate to this. But (and I don't mean for this to sound bad in any way) I know my situation is much worse than this. I really can't stand my voice, I still struggle with getting some words out, and I absolutely become a 'shy' version of me when around specific people or when put in certain situations. But all that is on top of the genuine struggle to get my voice to work in the first place. Maybe it would be much easier to get my words out, or I'd be less shy, if it were easier for me to project my voice properly. Sorry I don't know how to explain this.
Thank you! Same here
I'm glad you asked! I was meant to mention this but completely forgot. I think its more physical than it is psychological, which is why I think its not really selective mutism for the most part. Especially since now, after covid took my voice from me entirely, surely I would have struggled with it even more if it were psychological, but it actually got a lot better! (I'll talk more about that later)
Awh that sounds really tough @AnonymousToe
And I do want to mention that talking my brother (and for some reason its always been only my brother) I noticed I was able to talk much more clearly and confidently compared to anyone else.
Nope, I couldn't answer the phone so I assume they cancelled the appointment... and as you said, I could have gotten someone else to answer the call for me. But there was only really one person able to do that (barely) but I didn't ask them... I don't want to talk about why...
And I want to quickly talk a bit about my 'new' voice since covid. I've been finding it MUCH easier to talk, to the point where I even got the courage to send a voice message to someone (which was not only terrifying, extremely awkward, but also such a big accomplishment for me lol) and hearing my own voice back I couldn't believe that was me talking. It sounded almost identical to other people's voices I heard before, which I guess is a great sign that my voice is more 'normal' now. Although it was nothing like I imagine myself sounding like, and I still really hate it. But I'm slowly getting more and more comfortable with it now.
In fact I'm getting so comfortable with it, that given the opportunity to be alone I literally started to sing
So for now I will do a bit more exploring with my new voice, so no referrals for anything just yet.
Thanks for your help gp. Covid has done the work for you... -_-
But actually, thanks for your replies and support you all. I appreciate it! 🧡
(That was a lot so if I missed anything let me know)
No worries there's absolutely no pressure, and you're right, you don't need to explain yourself, it's natural to have a lot going on or not being able to respond for whatever reason
Just quickly wanted to weigh in here, Selective Mutism is a combination of physical and psychological! It's an extreme anxiety disorder characterised by the physical inability to speak in certain situations that elicit extreme states of anxiety. Many complain it is quite a sore sensation in the throat such as being really tight and straining on the vocal chords. You can find out more from the SMiRA charity: https://selectivemutism.org.uk/
This is amazing well done! Glad to hear you're finding things a bit easier
And I didnt mention but I noted down SMIRA to check out later at some point. Thanks
@JJLemon18 You don't need to apologise for not being as active on here lately. Take as much time as you need right now. It definitely sounds like this is something you have been struggling with a lot right now and I am always here for you
Sending hugs.
Amy
I do find it hilarious how I've always been apologising and feeling guilty about talking too much here, and now I'm apologising and feeling bad for not talking enough
In the end maybe I should just accept that I will be over-apologetic (even if its just to make myself feel less bad about things), and thats okay?
Anyways. Sending hugs
I think really in some ways you should accept who you are as maybe being over apologetic is part of what makes you you and is part of your personality and identity. Sometimes I think we can forget that we are human at times and forget that we shouldn't be ashamed of being too apologetic or even for the things we do because that is part of our personality, kind of in our dna. I see my lack of communication as kind of my identity ish and by being able to accept it a bit it helped me understand myself a bit more.
I also wanted to mention that we also have social batteries inside all of us and sometimes having too much social interactions (specifically for introverted people I find as well as extroverted, ambivert), can drain our social battery. Therefore, we shouldn't feel bad about ourselves because we all need to recharge those social batteries so we can carry on the next day.
It can take a while to fully accept yourself but sometimes the easiest step is trying to at least self forgive ourselves for we are human. I'm always here if you need someone too
All the best,
Amy22
I'm not sure I would want to see being overly apologetic as part of my 'identity'. Like I don't want it to define who I am. Maybe rather see it as something that I do in the moment and nothing more? I dunno.
And about our social batteries. Mine must be really small
But anyways, thank you for your reply