Rivers poems (TW for some)

Rose113

a place for my poems so they arnt all scattered around.

why dont you love me?

Why don't you love me?
What happened?
What did I do?
Please just tell me, I can change
I'll be who you want me to be just tell me
Why are you ashamed of my self harm
Why you ashamed of me
Did you ever love me
You were able to choose me
It's not like you had to birth me
If you didn't want me then why pick me
Why won't you be my mum anymore

I know I'm hard to deal with
I know I screwed your life up
But please I want to be loved
Why don't you have time for me
I just want to know
I can get out your life
I'll run away if you don't want me.
I'm sorry I have trauma
I'm sorry I have flashbacks
I'm sorry I get nightmares
I'm sorry, I really am
Please just love me

Tell me what I did
Tell me why you hate me
Tell me why your ashamed of me
Tell me!!!
Please tell me
I'm sorry I'm not who you want me to be
I'm sorry I'm not the perfect child
I'm sorry

Rose113

need a name for this one

The thunderstorms awaken as I'm feeling shaken
Terror and rage rolling through my blood
Endless thoughts and withering tears
I'm shaking with each bit of fear near
Scared of the monster within
It's just taking me for a spin
Self destruct and violence turning into silence
Burning eyes of fire as I try to stop this *removed potential trigger*
The fire roaming free it's the tears hidden inside me

midnight

The endless terror and midnight wither
Sparking off those who fear
Fearing those who shall not flinch
The howling of the ice winds near
Haunting those who fear thou worst
Marching past those who never feared
The friendships with the dark and the joy of the howls it brings
Darkness smiling beyond there body known
Terrorised walks tho uneffected
Not a flinch or tremble or stutter insight
Those who wish up on the dark
live within the things that lark

im good....

I'm good....
Ha wouldn't that be great if it was true
But tho for now will have to do
Can't say that I'm drowning inside
Nor the words "I'm struggling"
I get more hurt than i already am
The key word to my life
The word that connects it all
The reason that makes me wonder why I try
I can't struggle and it be known
Suffer in silence and be happy to all.
I'm good...
Of course I'm good
I'm expected to be
I struggle and I loose a friend
Say I'm not okay and people walk
People take advantage of me not being okay
Sensitive pathetic I am
I'm good and I'm fine...

High school bully

I see your face when I look at the moon
The place that is ment to not be so gloom
It heightens my fear that you'll just pop out
Would you hurt me again or would you leave me out
Your just like everyone else filled with hate

Your true colours always hid behind a wall
A wall of surprises and shock
Never good only bad
You waited for the right time
Then lept at the opportunity at causing me pain
Why did you do it I always exclaim
What was your motif to attacking

You punched me and swore at me in the PE room
I sat there frozen didnt know what to do
Your friend watched for 3 minutes and then dragged you away
Screaming for people's attention as she tried to get u to go

You put me in hospital for all that you did
A broken foot and a black eye
A banging headache and unable to talk
Couldn't swallow
To scared to say anything I sat there staring
Tears running down my face as doctors try to assess me

Unable to stand up
Unable to sleep
Unable to go out
Unable to leave for school
Anxiety racing
Anxiety having a blast
Filled with trembles and fear
2 weeks later
Couldn't go back to school
I cried for days in pain and fear
Scared you'd do it again
3 days suspension and a year leader saying I must of provoked it....

I only looked at her and talked to her friend
Never been the same since
Became angry and violent
It's a heightened response
Im not a bad person
Just someone scared and in fear.

Rose113

The real me

Nobody knows the real me, no one can know the real me
The real me shouldn't exist
The angry and messy me no one can know
The broken and stupid me that is begging to be free
I cant let that side of me out
Not now, not ever, that me needs to be lost forever

Aftermath

Im the person who says it's okay even when it's not
I say im fine even when I'm lost
I lie about my feelings so it doesn't cause a knot
Behind close doors is where the truth rots
I break down in tears after being strong
It floods back when I'm alone
When I don't need to be strong or pretend
I sit in silence and cry the feelings I could never tell
Hours of being strong and alive
Im now sitting all dead inside
I feel my heart pour as I loose control
The words I cant say
The words I cant let loose to the ones I love

Rose113

The roses tug at her heart...

The roses dig deep carving at her heart
The pain of the stabbing turning to nausea
With every twist and wrip she tries to keep it in
It's pulling at her heart as she tries to grip hold.

She is grasping for air as its being pulled free
She can't do this its tearing her apart
Shes heartbroken now and unable to move
It's locked around her heart pricking her at every breathe

She drops to the ground unable to take the pain
Shes done and mentally gone
It's already taken her heart and ready to take her life
She wants it to be done now so she can be free
She wants it all to go away now its stabbed her.

Rose113

The end of the ice cavens....

The ice cavens glisten in the moon light
she smiles with slight sign of happiness
Until the cavens start to crumble around her
Stealing her slight happiness with it

Tall bricks take place of the ice cavens
Smashing them to crystals
The silohuettes from the moon stolen infront of her eyes
She stands dazed at what just happened
Her mind not so clear now building up again
Her thoughts are the bricks she shouts in fear

Hearing it echo she drops to the ground
There's no escape to freedom
It's the dark spiral back once again
She sobs her heart out against the brick pillars
She doesn't know what to do now
Her energy drained from her in an instance
The mystic gritty air getting to her throat

She starts to cough fighting for clear air
Her breathes have been eliminated
The force of her thoughts trying to swallow her whole
Screeching noises coming from her mouth trying to catch at least one breath

The cold hard ground starts to crack
She starts to scramble to keep above
They follow her around like there attached
There her SH thoughts showing up
Trying to suck her in to the habit
They get bigger and bigger by the second
Shes losing control of it all
She let's go giving up as she goes flying into the hole....

Rose113

Anonymous

Oh pfft
Loved what you said
That you'd always be there
What a lie that was
U never cared
Then you left

Started being nasty
Got annoyed when I said sorry
Thank you
For showing that I cant trust
That no one really cares

Least u did one thing right
Always told the truth about me
Called me names
Blamed me for my past

Yes I still remmember
I remmember like it was yesterday
Pretend that it was nothing
But it hurt

Implied that I should be used to it
I never agreed
Although I new it was true
It was deja vu....

lunarcat522

These are amazing @River you have a real talent for writing!

ebyrne556

Agree they r so good @River

Rose113

Scars...

Scars the "silly" thing people do....
The way we ruin our bodies with them...
Yet it's still not enough...
People ask why in the tone so painful...
Why? Why did you do it?...
Or the what did you do that for?...
We hang our heads in shame...
And hide the words in a river of silence...
We don't say when we've done it or why we did it..
Especially to people in our own worlds...
We don't stop we just get worse...
Knowing people don't understand makes us want to hurt more...
Covering our bodies with another set of scars
The memories
The emotions
All being let free...

Why do you self harm people ask?...
How do we tell people why...
Punishments and Emotions...
But not all correct...
Though for me the scars...
Are a symbol of me being not worthless...
The scars fade...got to do it...
Again...
Again...
All so I don't feel worthless...

Still to most not a valid reason...
"Silly" things that you do...
The thing our parents think most...
"Don't ruin your beautiful bodies"...
That's what they all say...
They don't understand...
They never will so we hang our heads in shame...
Continue to make more scars...
It never ends...

Rose113

It's funny..

It's funny how it used to be pink unicorn bedrooms...
Now it's black and white goth themed...
Tutu's and flower tshirts...
Too baggy joggers and oversized jumpers...
Shorts and tshirts...
But now we don't go near them...
Our hair in a bun pinned on top of our heads...
Now our hair down hiding our faces...
Our clear Rosey pink faces...
Now it's layers on layers of make up...

amy02

Thank you for sharing these with us @River !

Rose113

They crash my heart into the never ending ebiss...
My cries echo everytime someone leaves...
Everytime people prove that im better alone...
The never ending pain and thunder in my head...
Fireworks playing through my ears...
yet earth so peaceful...
What I do to deserve this...
I want my life to be done...
My heart sinks as I talk to people...
The panic setting in as I fear they won't care...
I hide and shut myself away
Mute and trapped unable to do anything...
Cant speak,can't cry...
Im sinking in the ground...

Rose113

10/04/24 💔


I don't want to talk
I don't want to be seen
So please just leave me be
Hollow and empty
I just want to sleep
Shut the whole world out
So I'd be left in peace
It's too overwhelming
Just leave me alone

I'm not ready to be seen
Just let me hide and be un noticed
The feelings cutting deeper
The end of social media
The putting away of my phone
I don't want to talk
I don't want to be seen
So please let me be

I want to shut the world out
Go unseen and be at peace
I'm too tired to talk
Don't want a conversation
I'm tired
I want to go unseen
So why cant everyone leave me be
Ready to be hidden so deep
To just be at peace and go unseen

Not forever
Only for a bit
Just let me be unseen
Whilst I'm in a pit
The pain of others to hard to carry
I don't want to talk
I don't want to be seen
I don't want to do anything
So please leave me at peace

Former Member

Wow.
This hit deep.
Feeling like a burden.
I feel sorry .
I relate .
Like what have we done to deserve to feel so unloved and unwanted?!