How do you say to your bf when he wants to have sex?

BillieTheBot

This discussion was created from comments split from: Feeling left out and virginity.

Former Member

How do you say no to your bf when he wants to have sex and you want to remain a virgin?

Amy22

Hi @ceb164 welcome to TheMix. I think one place to start would be maybe asking to have a conversation with your bf and maybe explain your feelings to him, saying that you don't feel ready and you want to stay a virgin until your comfortable. What I tend to find is that most people especially in relationships can tend to rush straight to the sexual side of the relationship when the other half don't want to have sex or feel not ready to. I had a similar experience with this myself too. I think maybe you need to have a conversation with your bf first and explain how you feel. Im always here if you need someone to talk to anytime .

Former Member

@Amy22 What if that’s not okay with him but he won’t break up with you and doesnt want to leave you alone? I can’t break up with him I’d crush him so bad but I’m also not ready for that but isn’t comfortable with waiting until marriage…

Azziman

Hey @ceb164 - I can hear how you're in a difficult situation at the moment. On the one hand, you don't want to break up with your partner by saying no, but on the other hand, you're not ready for what is being asked of you.

I'd echo what @Amy22 has said here - communication is really important in relationships, and you should be able to talk about difficult things or differences of opinion with each other, and resolve them as a pair. Being understanding of each other is key in relationships, and hopefully a conversation will allow your partner to understand how uncomfortable this makes you. It might not be an uncomfortable conversation, but then all relationships involve talks that aren't always pleasant or nice to have.

Whatever you decide to do, know that we're here to support you

Amy22

ceb164 wrote: »

@Amy22 What if that’s not okay with him but he won’t break up with you and doesnt want to leave you alone? I can’t break up with him I’d crush him so bad but I’m also not ready for that but isn’t comfortable with waiting until marriage…

I understand you that you feel attracted to him, but even most relationships need to have boundaries and communication involved for the best of both people in the relationship. If your not ready then you may want to say that and explain how you feel. I think it depends on how you want the relationship to go and how you feel about it all. I hope you are okay though,

Former Member

I’m okay I am just afraid and a little confused. It’s my first relationship and idk if I am recognizing toxic behavior right or if I am the one who has sex aversion or if breaking up with him is the right thing. I’ve tried to talk to him about it but he always makes me feel guilty and says things like “you don’t love me,” and “you’re going back on your word.” And then out of fear of losing him he makes me promise that I’ll have sex with him the next time I see him (we live kinda far) or else he’s gonna leave. I think he knows I can’t say no. Now i feel like I have no choice but to break up with him and I can’t.

sputnik

Hi @ceb164 , I'm sorry that sounds like a really difficult situation for you ❤️
It should always be completely up to you whether or not you have sex and how far you go with someone physically, and if he's not respecting that and is only considering his own feelings/wants then I'd say that's a big red flag threatening to leave if you don't and guilt-tripping you is really manipulative and you are under no obligation whatsoever to do anything you don't want to do, whether you've promised to or not. If he cannot accept that then it's his problem, not yours. I know it must be really hard when you really don't want to lose him, but at the same time he's choosing to leave, you're not making him. It's not your job to provide him with whatever he wants ❤️ listen to yourself and what you want too.

ameliaJayne

@ceb164 Hey! Thank you so much for bringing attention to this situation you are going through. It is really brave of you.

No one should ever make you feel like you have to do something. No one should ever make you feel like owe something to them or make you promise that you will have sex with them-if this is not something that you feel comfortable with. It is your body and you get to make the decisions.

If someone does make you feel like you owe them sex, definitely try to verbalise with them that you do not feel comfortable. Try to explain that you just aren't ready yet. You do not have to tell them why you aren't ready. You do not have to tell them a certain date when you think you will be ready. You don't owe them this. They should respect your decision and respond with kindness.

If they continue to make you feel guilty then I think that you should put yourself first and remove yourself from the situation. You are a person who is deserving of love and respect. Breaking up with someone can be difficult but it is important to love yourself more.

I believe in you.

"and to choose to love yourself is the bravest thing you will ever do"